Do not date "newly single" or "recently separated" men. You are not an emotional support animal.

fim_de_semana · 2020-09-09T14:55:33+00:00

I’m not dating right now exactly because I’m still emotional over my ex. I don’t think it would be fair for the other part even if I have no intention of taking my ex back, ever.

hairwashernova · 2020-09-09T15:15:06+00:00

This!!! Ladies, please follow this advice to the T!!!

Once, I dated and was falling in love with guy who was separated from his wife and was going through the process of divorcing her. So that meant I was part of their drama. He was still paying for her phone bills and she lived in their house while he was on base. He really wasn't ready to be in a committed relationship because he ended up asking me to partake in a open relationship where he would get to screw other women and I had to just go along with it.

NEVER AGAIN!!! I supported him through everything (emotionally) to only be dumped in the end. Single men from now on who have no attachments to their exes.

(Also, avoid military men altogether. They talk a big game but there is literally no substance to their words or character. They will dump you the moment things get too "complicated" and most just wanna sleep around with other women. That is all.)

Inspection-Critical · 2020-09-09T17:16:19+00:00

Even if he claims "the previous relationship has been over for a long time,"

Can we also talk about how this is the biggest bullshit lie in their playbook?

Men love to sob about how mean their wife is, how they have a dead bedroom, the marriage has been over for years. This is almost always news to the wife.

gcthrowaway2019 · 2020-09-09T16:24:46+00:00

SEPARATED = MARRIED

Idgaf that the divorce is "not finalized" yet or it's too expensive or too much paperwork. None of that is my problem. Don't try to date while you've got only one foot out the door that can go back in at any time before it's over. Throw him back and date someone else who's not married.

tellmesomething11 · 2020-09-09T17:15:51+00:00

Yeah after I dumped my last ex, he rebounded rather quickly....he appeared to be into her...but he was still liking my posts, actively stalking me, attempting to abuse me ( he would try to set up scenarios where he could show off his girlfriend and would be mad when I didn’t respond). On top of this, he was paying off one of my credit cards because he used it and ran it up. That took him two years to pay off.

I would never date a man paying off debt to an ex, esp one he didn’t have children with. It’s a massive red flag. Oh well, lol!

jeanneeebeanneee · 2020-09-09T18:14:19+00:00

Back in the day, we used to call this "the rebound." Dating someone who's fresh out of a relationship makes you the rebound, and it's not something you want to be. It almost never works out the way you want it to, yet everyone thinks they're going to be that 0.5% of rebounds that develop into a real, functional HV relationship. Don't fall for it.

Summerisle7 · 2020-09-09T14:58:24+00:00

Men going through a divorce are the worst. They'll want you to help them with their legal costs too.

kittykittywoofwoof · 2020-09-09T18:23:13+00:00

Also, do not date men who are within their first year or two of divorce. And make sure they had at least one long term (6+ months) relationship since then. Men do not recover well from divorce.

munissa · 2020-09-09T20:40:13+00:00

Yup. Also I honestly believe everyone who is on this sub knows this but for those who are new, men lie. Whether they say they are “separated”, “newly single”, “staying in a relationship out of obligation”, or “the relationship is practically over” these are all lies. They want to either cheat, is bored of their current relationship but doesn’t have the guts to leave, or is just bored. Don’t be fooled no matter how charming they could be.

mscristalconnors · 2020-09-09T19:06:24+00:00

This happened to me! A scrote lied to me about going through a divorce and tried hiding behind “you didn’t ask me”. Nope. I treated him like garbage and flaunted my dating life in my social media. Fuck him. Burn in hell liar! He hated how he couldn’t control me or get me to bend backwards. He was so mad when I finally admitted I am on the dating scene and not for him.

Anyway, vet these idiots ladies! I knew he was going through a divorce because my intuition told me to look him up.

lil_monstera · 2020-09-09T21:00:24+00:00

Just learned this the hard way. Newly single guy I was seeing insisted we be together all the time, texting all day, expecting me to cook and clean for him and not wanting me to hang out with other men. When I brought up being uncomfortable with the relationship dynamic (without the title) so early on he told me he wasn't looking for a relationship anyway. These newly single men just want a bangmaid.

pangolinplatypus · 2020-09-09T18:54:31+00:00

Had a guy do this to me after his wife had died. He kept talking about how she wanted him to move on, and I assumed it had been something like 2 years. NOPE. She'd been dead for 58 days.

Found that out after the third date and a bit of Googling. He was trashed when I showed up for dinner because he'd gotten there early and started drinking, then tried to get me to drive him home because he was wasted and just wanted to "cuddle."

SO yeah. Get the death certificate if you have to, dammit.

Mimory125 · 2020-09-09T15:32:25+00:00

Men don't see women as human beings and they'll never do it. They 'll use and exploit us anytime they want just because society let them do it

reidelmar · 2020-09-09T18:41:21+00:00

I saved this post for the exact reason to come on here and give my own experience + insight now that I have FDS knowledge. Apologies if it's long! I'll try to condense and keep it factual.

I dated a guy for two years who was, the entire time, "separated" from his ex-wife. Our whole relationship was a secret for two years. When we first met, he told me he had been "separated" from her for three years prior. He even lived in his own apartment, shared no kids with her (she was his 2nd ex-wife btw, he had 1 child with his 1st ex-wife) and shared no property with her, literally he didn't speak to her unless it was necessary.

Kinda weird though.. right? Being separated for three years. Hmm. I choose to ignore my intuition on that. Big mistake.

Afterwards all the red flags started popping up so I'll just list them out rather than delve into story mode.

Any man that says he's separated from his ex-wife is still legally, morally, ethically, and hell, even sexually bonded to this woman.
- He was separated for three years + the two he and I were dating = Red Flag number ONE! IDGAF what they tell you, if it's been several months or years and they're just taking their sweet time getting the divorce, they're still together. They’re still talking, they’re still emotionally tied to each other and if you dig, they’re probably still sleeping with each other.

FDS states it and I agree: When a man fucking wants you, he'll do everything in his power to earn you and keep you. It took him two whole ass years to get a divorce through, and he wasn’t even the one that did it! She did. By the time they did, for numerous other reasons, I had already broken up with him (he was a covert narc, I even had a therapist confirm this) and he stated that I was 'impatient' for not waiting for him to get the divorce.

Again, If a man is "separated" from his wife, he's still married. Period.
You ARE the other woman. Period.
He IS cheating. Period.
Until a divorce is finalized, he is not a single man. Period.

Y'all. Look at their marriage timeline! If a man tells you he's divorcing a woman after an odd amount of time, question him, not the wife. Too often we're told that the ex-wives and baby mamas are "crazy". Look at who made them that way!
- Question the reason for the divorce and really take a look at it objectively. Men are way more emotional than females despite that we've been led to believe otherwise. Look at the way he describes his ex-wife and his mannerisms when he does. If it’s crude, contempt, angry, resentful, degrading and paints her as “crazy” = that’s all the things that he is.

Look at how many times he’s been married. Look at the patterns that he has in the women he’s choosing. For me, I noticed that the women he’d date would get younger and younger… then I came in the picture. Y’all, I was 21 when I met him (I was a pickme, thankfully, I've learned and grown) he was 48.
His 2nd ex was around 37 and he was in his late 40s when they got together.
His first ex wife was in her mid-twenties and he was in his late 30s when they got together. See the pattern? Wouldn’t be surprised if the woman after me is barely legal.

Look at how he chooses to spend his time with you. If all he does is complain about his ex-wife, talk about their divorce, ask for your opinion on said divorce (don’t say SHIT. You can get reeled into a legal problem real quick with this) and can’t go a day without mentioning said ‘doomed relationship’, then he’s using you as his therapist-fuck buddy.
- If he takes you on what seems to be ‘high value’ dates that are expensive restaurants and yet, only talks about the relationship = NVM.
- If he spends money on you and always makes a comment about how you’re more appreciative than his ex-wife whenever he gives you something = control conditioning you and he's a NVM.
- If he talks about his kids to you too early in the relationship and tries to get you to meet them too early (like, 6 months to me is too early) = love bombing, future faking via responsibility dumping his kids onto you AND he’s a NVM.
If he treats you like a queen but it comes with all these prerequisites about how you can’t act like his ex-wife or if you speak out against something you’re uncomfortable and he compares you to his ex-wife, he’s a NVM, a narcissist and you better “nope” the fuck outta there REAL QUICK.

So far these are the biggest points I think I could remember that I felt like needed to be made. Let me know if I’ve missed anything! There is a little disclaimer I’d like to say also: in some states and countries, if a couple is separated even legally, and they’re seeing other people, those people that they’re seeing can actually be fined/taken to court for having an affair. Protect yourselves! No man is worth going to court for and getting your name messed up in legal documents that have nothing to fucking do with you!

That being said, good luck to everyone who’s currently dealing with this and I hope that this comment brings enlightenment even to one woman today and the strength to dump/leave any LVM/NVM putting her through this. Peaceful and healing energy to you all. 💖

heavyballoon90 · 2020-09-09T19:04:00+00:00

I just ended things with a guy I went on a few dates with who was ghosted by his ex two months ago, and trying to process it on our convos. He thought we had similar personalities so he would ask me questions that felt more like he was trying to get into my head and how I think to see if he could figure out why his ex ghosted him. I didn’t feel he was truly interested in getting to know me when he asked questions but more so looking for an answer into why his ex ghosted.

He also started to talk about how traumatic it felt to be ghosted and that’s when I told him these conversations should be reserved for his therapist and that we shouldn’t continue seeing each other anymore. Former me would’ve listened empathically and try to console him. I’m so so grateful for this sub!!

yissssssssssssssssss · 2020-09-09T21:16:30+00:00

Nailed it. Had exactly this experience with the last guy I dated. He put on an amazing show for about a month before the house of cards fell. Such a waste of time and energy. Guys on the rebound are a hard no, whether they think they're ready or not.

N2Gen · 2020-09-09T20:08:00+00:00

This is true as fuck.

Original1one · 2020-09-10T02:33:55+00:00

true. my friend is currently dating a guy who just got out of a nearly decade old relationship about 3 months ago. she said he's already "committed to her" she doesn't comprehend there's a pandemic outside and he's using her to heal and get on demand sex without the hassle. Jesus be some self-esteem.

Proud-Purpose · 2020-09-09T15:37:55+00:00

I'll help him get over stuff if he pays me a lot.

randomgirlimok · 2020-09-09T22:29:10+00:00

Some of them want to jump immediately into another marriage because they don’t know how to take care of themselves as a single person. Case in point, my ex husband who put a ring on the first chick he dated. He said he isn’t an independent person and needs a partner. Translation = manchild

Revy_Ur_Engines · 2020-09-10T00:43:05+00:00

Even if they don’t tell you it’s so fucking easy to stop them because they can’t shut tf up about their ex.

flowers4u · 2020-09-09T19:42:42+00:00

Yes my “friend” did this to a woman after divorced and she begged him to marry her which he did but six years later. She is the nicest/best person in the world and he used his insecurities from his last relationship to screw her around. So sad.

not_a_femme · 2020-09-10T07:39:37+00:00

Men can be broken up for years with a woman and still not he over it in some way. If she's such a bitch, like you claim, then maybe move on.

TheTower_14 · 2020-09-10T11:27:06+00:00

It's funny because dudes complain women use them as "emotional tampons" when they literally use women as full on therapist

nomadzebra · 2020-09-09T22:25:27+00:00

I also think you should be cautious about people who have been single for too long, they can be stuck in their ways and struggle to make room for someone in their lives

redfarmmmmm · 2020-09-10T09:49:59+00:00

If newly single guy tries emotional support bs with me, i always make sure that i treat them as emotional trash dumpster. I let out all my stress at work and complain, complain and complain... if the guy brings up his ex, just next him.

Agnia_Barto · 2020-09-11T01:48:45+00:00

This is few years ago, but still gets me. Went on a date with freshly divorced guy, who wouldn't stop talking about his wife the whole date, actually saying "my wife" like 100 times. I finally said "you can start calling her your ex-wife whenever you're ready", and he replied "well we're not actually divorced yet, just separated, we sleep in different bedrooms". What a creepy loser

oasisreverie · 2020-09-12T19:50:50+00:00

Don't be like me, kids. I dated a man who was still legally married to his wife. He didn't mention that to me at first. He glossed over it like it was no big deal two months in. I was horrified. I thought they had divorced because he told me that she was his ex wife.

If a guy has an ex wife and kids, be extra cautious. If they are recently separated, nothing good will come of it.

Men refuse to go to therapy because they think having emotions and feelings are a sign of weakness. They run head first into a new relationship before they even have processed their feelings! Before actually finishing up the process of the divorce!

Dating men is insane already, but throwing all that drama in the mix is no bueno. We have to protect ourselves and be merciless when we vet men.

Title	Do not date "newly single" or "recently separated" men. You are not an emotional support animal.
Author	Sage_Planter
Upvotes	592
Comments	73
Date	September 9, 2020 2:43 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/iph6kz/do_not_date_newly_single_or_recently_separated/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/do-not-date-newly-single-or-recently-separated-men.212453 https://theredarchive.com/post/212453

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