Markers of Abuse

Platipus6 · 2021-08-02T12:27:29+00:00

Selfishness, inconsideration, breadcrumbing, scorekeeping, stinginess, belligerence, infantilzation (of you or himself), animal cruelty, boundary violations, sleep disturbance, privacy intrusions, humiliation, fauxpologies, allergy disbelief.

Negotiating after you say no.

pickmieshaexorcist · 2021-08-02T13:43:19+00:00

So one thing is that oftentimes, the guy won’t do the worst version of the red flag, but it still makes the woman feel uneasy or bad. But because it’s not extreme, she dismisses it as her overreacting. For example, she’ll look at this list and think, “well, he doesn’t name-call me per se” because she’s thinking “name-calling” is men screaming “b1tch” at her or something equally disgusting. But, she remembers that he’s always pointing out everything wrong she does by jokingly calling her a “dummy”. Low-grade negs that aren’t outright names, but her gut tells her he’s not joking at all.

You can end things for any reason you want. A behavior doesn’t have to be “bad enough” to qualify as a real red flag. How it makes you feel is the only thing that matters.

ButterfliesHurricane · 2021-08-02T12:26:18+00:00

That’s a really good post, thank you and it’s so important to raise awareness. My last relationship had most of the flags you mention here! I had no idea about any of it as it was new to me. It was all very sneaky and started with the love-bombing which I think is the biggest of all and hugely underestimated. Once that dopamine rush that’s induced by the love bombing sets in and we feel good and in love, we just cannot believe what follows are red flags. Maybe we misunderstood? Maybe it’s a blip? It’s out of character, maybe we overreacted? The state of confusion that ensues makes us unable to correctly and logically recognise the following red flags as such. It’s sneaky, it’s never all at once. It’s slowly and gently pushing/trampling over your boundaries.

The best 2 pieces of advice I ever received are: 1) if it looks too good to be true, it probably is; 2) follow your gut feeling, always (I’m glad I followed mine and got out of it!)

Painfulmenstruation · 2021-08-02T12:54:26+00:00

That’s a really comprehensive list!

I love how FDS users are constantly generating content to better equip women to spot the signs of abuse.

I’m currently doing a block of trauma therapy to move on from domestic abuse and FDS posts, the handbook and some items on the reading list have been excellent complements.

barbedwiredaisycrown · 2021-08-02T14:10:36+00:00

Condescending, infantilizing, being contrary for the sake of it, disrespecting your family/friends, "punishing" you when you do something wrong instead of explaining it, ghosting even temporarily (aka random boys trip or business trip to make distance), intimidating you purposely, mean to vulnerable people/animals

I could go on lol

Obvious_Explorer90 · 2021-08-02T14:55:12+00:00

A Savior Complex and Passive Aggression. Hello abuse. If you don't let him constantly "save" you, and be your "hero," he will resent you. He'll just resent you anyway because being passive aggressive and people pleasing are the only things he knows.

These men often come off as kind and caring, but are boiling pots of resentment and anger because their "help" has gone unappreciated and unnoticed.

They want women to become dependent on them so they will always have control over the relationship. They'll look for sick, addicted, traumatized or women with low self-esteem and exploit it under the guise of "help." Its all an ego boost and a power trip.

My ex is like this and I caught onto it when his mask started slipping.

Fetus92 · 2021-08-02T15:05:55+00:00

Playing devil’s advocate when you are being emotionally vulnerable, treating your very real phobias as silly/unreasonable and wanting you to just stop having them for his sake, speaking poorly about co-workers that he then treats like close friends (two-faced), defending the objectification of women in any way (ex: while I can respect female twitch streamers that sexualize their bodies and make big bucks doing it, I think that if a partner openly supports said sexualization it means he himself objectifies and views women in this light, also why the fuck would he think it’s okay to discuss this with his girlfriend?), saying things like “I accept you for you!” but then if you act like yourself, like being awkward/antisocial in social situations or not confrontational, criticizing those traits because they don’t align with what he wanted you to be.

feelgoodlost_ · 2021-08-02T15:39:25+00:00

They really do every single thing on here eventually and still have the audacity to question you. If you see any of those behaviors, leave immediately. Once you’re over it and just grossed out, it’s sooooo insane and pathetic how someone does all that to you and still makes you the bad guy. Lying by omission is the covert abuser’s bread and butter. The covert narcs/nice guys do this all with a smile on their face and towards the end, when they’re full blown monsters, they get so sadistic and behave like toddlers. Such cowards!!!

Not_a_throwaway_acnt · 2021-08-02T15:43:33+00:00

One I missed, he revealed his own personal childhood trauma very very very fast. This made me feel bad for him, and he used it as an excuse whenever I brought up anything that bothered me.

PepermintPanther · 2021-08-02T13:11:52+00:00

I would add Narcissism. No way there is potential for healthy relationship with a narcissist or basically anyone deeply feeling superior over everyone else, e.g., sociopaths, psycopaths. Also lack of empathy is a deal breaker.

Academic-Action-2104 · 2021-08-02T13:15:23+00:00

Nagging should be negging probably?

I’m embarrassed that my ex had pretty much every single thing on that list. Unfortunately FDS wasn’t around quite just yet.

Equal-Ear2312 · 2021-08-02T20:48:31+00:00

bait & switch, breadcrumbing, projecting, rage, shaming, wall-punching, yelling...

dancedancedance7 · 2021-08-02T18:51:17+00:00

Entitlement.

pozzalovah · 2021-08-02T15:45:55+00:00

What is the maximum age gap that is considered acceptable according to FDS?

myeggsarebig · 2021-08-02T19:38:01+00:00

This is something I am going to print and put on my refrigerator. You never know who will read it (eh hem, a dear friend of mine who is coming to terms with a covert-scrote-narc NVM).

2021-08-02T15:48:56+00:00

And they'll call you abusive for reacting to their abuse. Then they leave you while you pick up the pieces and you're at your lowest. They'll forever cry as the victim and have no ounce of remorse with how they hurt you. This list is perfect for recognizing abuse, especially covert abuse.

londochig · 2021-08-02T22:22:49+00:00

This list had me in tears. I wish they'd teach us this in schools. I'd have been saved so much pain, heartbreak, setbacks and money. Definitely saving this post. Knowledge is indeed power.

maiqthetrue · 2021-08-02T19:10:24+00:00

Look for a lack of normal relationships and accomplishments as well. A person who has no one other than their relationship, and does nothing is always trouble. They're going to eventually be controlling and will be jealous of you doing anything.

myeggsarebig · 2021-08-02T19:30:07+00:00

What does monkey-branching look like?

nouvellecreature · 2021-08-02T15:42:57+00:00

Making you responsible for his actions and/or emotions in ANY way. Scenarios like “I’m sorry I did (abusive action), but when you do ______ , it makes me so crazy because I care about you.” 🚩

From personal experience… trust it will not end well.

MeggyCasteejo · 2021-08-02T17:10:01+00:00

Destruction. Whether it's destroying physical items (eg, smashing plates, ripping up actual photos, tearing up your possessions, etc) or destroying digital items (eg, deleting every photo of you from his phone after an argument). Destruction is definitely a red flag.

XxShananiganxX · 2021-08-02T20:57:20+00:00

Don't forget Trickle-Truthing 🥲

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DarbyGirl · 2021-08-02T17:27:37+00:00

Boundary violations - you saying no and them continually pushing, or getting mad, or guilt tripping to get their way.

Sleep disturbance - my stbx did things like refusing to turn off the notifications on his phone at night, and deliberately staying up late making noise or taking his sweet fking time getting ready for bed - especially when I was exhausted and trying to sleep early.

Guilt tripping - over everything. Especially over sex.

Sabotaging - sabotaging your plans. You want to get up early to go to the gym? He tries to intiate sex, or deliberately keeps you up late. You want to workout at home? He's suddenly wanting to go out to dinner, or has 612 questions he has to ask NOW instead of waiting an hour.

Criticism - he has comments about everything. Even innocent sounding "you don't need to color your hair", or "why did you paint your nails, they're fine plain" to the diswhasher being loaded "wrong", or the towels folded "wrong".

The Illusion of Choice - He says you can paint the bedroom whatever color you want. Except that one because he didn't mean that color. Every color you pick out has something wrong with it and god forbid if you actually paint the bedroom the color you want. All "choices" are like this and lead you to not changing anything at all or making a place your home.

Edit to add: Disparagement - also be on the lookout for the guy who calls everyone else an idiot without actually calling them idiots. If he's always telling stories about "why did they do it that way they should have done it this way" run. He thinks it's making himself look smart, like he's the only one that knows what he's doing and everyone else should too, but chances are if he's complaining to you about other people...he's also complaining to other people about YOU.

2021-08-04T01:03:48+00:00

Fast forwarding, Future faking, Cognitive dissonance, Idealization, Distancing

TeaFixesEverything · 2021-08-02T15:47:48+00:00

Can anyone explain to me what "monkey-branching" is? It's a new term for me

pushthebuttonmax1 · 2021-08-02T16:47:48+00:00

Coercion

MysteriousTadpole288 · 2021-08-03T04:43:57+00:00

i have a question. idk if this is stupid but can someone explain why an age gap relationship is unhealthy by itself? what if everything else is good and there’s just an age difference?

Title	Markers of Abuse
Author	arnezuara
Upvotes	386
Comments	99
Date	August 2, 2021 11:45 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/owcshp/markers_of_abuse/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/markers-of-abuse.796899 https://theredarchive.com/post/796899

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