Once a liar always a liar?

Easymodelife · 2021-07-23T13:45:43+00:00

All I can say is that if he's capable of repeatedly lying to your face about this, he's capable of repeatedly lying to your face about other things.

You're not going to change him. So if you can accept that he's always going to lie to you and talk to his ex, and that he views his promises to you as worthless, then stay with him, I guess. I couldn't accept that personally. But know this: whatever he tells you, he's not going to change. He's already proven that.

Snoo16620 · 2021-07-23T13:50:21+00:00

He randomly mentioned that if a woman is raped it's "her fault"? That's really worrying. Also be careful. This is potentially a threat. Take care

ello-motto · 2021-07-23T14:46:27+00:00

🚩 He promised me never again.

Men always say shit like this to get back into your good books. He shouldn't have been doing it in the first place. Red Flag #1: Poor judgement, selfish and backtracking.

🚩 Nerdy software engineer with zero friends.

Nerds are often worst than the hotter, well rounded guys you know. They wish they could be like the jocks, but instead they keep it quiet and stew on their resentment.

🚩 He suffers from severe depression and refuses to get help.

Men who aren't bothered to take responsibility to take therapy and find a way to heal their depression aren't relationship material. If you suffer from severe depression, that's not a cue to go into a relationship. That's a cue to get help first. Or else you're just dragging a future partner into it.

🚩 He told me if women get raped they deserve it.

Misogyny 101. Red flag on his world views. This is a dumpable offense and he should not be considered relationship material, yet alone husband material. Be thankful you don't have any kids yet.

🚩 He's still talking to his ex who he promised not to talk to after we got married.

Selfish, and couldn't stick to his word. Another dumpable offense.

🚩 He lied to my face multiple times.

Another dumpable offense. Not the foundation of a healthy or strong relationship.

Someone taking care of you while your ill should be the baseline. Where is the respect for you? If he respected you he wouldn't be doing these things. Where is his respect for the relationship? If he had that, he wouldn't be using his depression as an excuse. He'd be getting his shit together.

Hunny, he's a software engineer. It's literally their job to solve complex problems and turn it into functional code that works. He has the brains to go find help if he wanted to.

arnezuara · 2021-07-23T14:07:24+00:00

Lovely, he was never your “best friend” to begin with. This trash of a man repeatedly cheated on you emotionally. He betrayed you.

Stop letting him gaslight you. Stop letting him define your reality. You have to start saving up to file for divorce. Create an escape plan, but do not tell him until you have your finances, a lawyer, and a place to stay at settled.

MajesticSkyPachyderm · 2021-07-23T15:21:41+00:00

I don’t want our marriage to be a failure.

A failed marriage is better than refusing to listen to your gut and a life with someone who doesn't respect you or women in general. The failure is not on your part, but on his. It's obviously a difficult time for you but make sure that you sit down and really think about what's best for you. Because he's not it.

MsWriteNow07 · 2021-07-23T14:19:53+00:00

You have a lot of health issues already. I don’t think you can afford to have STIs, too. Leave him and get tested NOW.

LilMagsta · 2021-07-23T13:56:36+00:00

This post has so many red flags but YES he is a liar and YES he will lie again without a doubt. The dude is going behind your back and lies about his ex. What else will he lie about??

acgogreen · 2021-07-23T14:04:44+00:00

I am so sorry you are experiencing this situation. This was flaired as "rant" so I don't think you are looking for advice but you need to give yourself credit. You listened to your gut about checking his phone and your gut was right. What else is your gut telling you? Vetting is unfortunately a life long thing.

And in what altered state of mind was he in when he said rape is the woman's fault? I wonder if that was an admission to sexually assaulting someone in the past or even recently.

aenema46n2 · 2021-07-23T14:26:23+00:00

He's already proven his words mean nothing, except horse shit and he can't be trusted. Personally I wouldn't ever want to stay with someone in which I'd constantly have that lingering feeling that they're lying. It never goes away and its usually there for a reason. Trust your gut NOW not later!

creamtart_ · 2021-07-23T14:00:35+00:00

Sis, what you uncovered is the tip of the iceberg. Mentally prepare yourself for the horrors you’re about to uncover, whatever you imagine, it’s likely worse. Please remember that if he has lied about this, you have no idea what else he has lied about. He will always lie to you because he is comfortable treating you that way. He will not change for you.

Listen to your gut. TRUST your instincts. Be better to yourself.

poody456 · 2021-07-23T15:15:02+00:00

I know this is confusing but sometimes people aren’t entirely awful or entirely good. Yes he helped you when you were sick and you love him, so he seems like a good person in your eyes, but seemingly good/average/adequate people can still be bad for us. I know it’s hard to leave because it’s easier to only remember the positives about your relationship, but his actions have clearly upset you and would be dealbreakers for most. I hope this has made sense, you will be okay & best of luck to your healing journey❤️

goddessofspring_ · 2021-07-23T13:47:31+00:00

Idgaf what "woke, modern, morally superior" people say, there is absolutely nothing normal about keeping contact with your ex.

And lying about it = emotional cheating going on

2021-07-23T15:31:08+00:00

Being a decent human being about your illness doesn’t undo or negate the massive red flags of his view about rape, his inability to make friends, and his lack of care for himself. Not to mention he’s still in contact with his ex (and lying about it. Repeatedly)!

Honey, come on. You KNOW this isn’t a good situation. I get that you feel you’ve invested a lot of time, effort, and love into this guy, but… sunken costs fallacy?

And, at this point, isn’t your marriage kind of already a failure on his part?

shesavillain · 2021-07-23T15:46:27+00:00

He’s never stopped lying. He’s using his depression and nerdy personality as a mask to not get you suspicious and even excuse his behavior.

He randomly brings up rape being the victims fault?! If the lying and talking to his ex, isn’t reason enough for you to want to end it, then excusing rape and blaming the victim should be the reason you leave.

Of course you don’t want the marriage to be a failure but it isn’t your fault that it becomes one. This is all on him.

Lemon_bars_addiction · 2021-07-23T16:15:38+00:00

Leave him.

flowerpower102938 · 2021-07-23T17:02:08+00:00

I'm sorry but your husband is dangerous.

You really really need to consider leaving him.

You already know that the way he thinks is very misogynist and evil.

Please continue to read this sub, in some time you'll understand why we're saying you should leave.

All of the women here have been through what you're going through. They know what will happen next and it's not good....

For the sake of your kids, and your safety, plan your exit.

Good luck!

not_a_paper_pusher · 2021-07-23T17:03:49+00:00

I hear you that you don’t want your marriage to be a failure, it sounds like we both had the best intentions going into our marriages.

I’ve been divorced for eight years, he cheated on me and lied, a lot.

The woman he cheated on me with told me about some of the lies he told to her.

His current wife called me last year asking questions because he hadn’t told her he was previously married, she told me about some of the lies he had told her. I answered her questions and wished her the best.

He hasn’t changed, he still lies, his relationships are built on lies.

Another ex once said “all women secretly want to be raped”, he was emotionally abusive and eventually physically abusive. He was a civil engineering student, quite nerdy, put me off dating since 2016.

I hope you’re ok whatever you choose to do, I’m with everyone here who says to leave him.

Elegaunt · 2021-07-23T17:55:31+00:00

You're his best friend. He is not yours. And for that I'm sorry. He appeared to be a good man. But the masked dropped, and he is not a good man. And for that I'm sorry. I hope you can spend more time on caring for yourself and getting rest so that your body can heal, instead of wasting time on trying to educate and reform this man. He does not want to be reformed. He wants to keep his marriage, and will wear a mask in order to keep it.

It's okay for this marriage to be a failure, as 1/2 of the marriage was a man who was never actually committed to its success.

Aphor1st · 2021-07-23T21:11:23+00:00

He married you because he knows he can’t have her. You are second choice. Look at those texts he is pining for her. Do you think for a second if she decided to take him back he wouldn’t leave you.

Don’t be anyone’s second choice you deserve to be their first.

dancedancedance7 · 2021-07-23T18:23:35+00:00

Someone being nerdy and having zero friends doesn't make them a safer option. In fact it means the person is unhealthy with low self esteem, so they're more likely to make a poor partner.

Anyway your dude is who he is and he will never be better. If you stay you're signing up for it.

Ok-Appearance5982 · 2021-07-23T17:20:42+00:00

I have a feeling that things were not as good as he made them out to be. He just became better at hiding his bad behaviour. The fact that he suffers from severe depression and refuses to get help is another red flag. And then the rape comment is also a major red flag. He seems good at apologizing and talking, but I don’t think he’s being genuine. He also lied to your face multiple times.

BlueSkiesOverLondon · 2021-07-23T20:35:39+00:00

This is a very abstract and theoretical title for what’s actually a very simple (if emotionally difficult) truth: this man is always going to be a liar. He has lied to you unceasingly and boldly, and shows no signs of real remorse or change (if you’re curious what those would look like, check out Chump Lady’s amazing article “Real Remorse, or Genuine Imitation Naugahyde Remorse”).

The truth is there is no “cheating type” (besides “he’s male,” IMO). Cheating is a matter of moral character, not which character you most resemble in The Breakfast Club. it’s a matter of attitude: he believes this is an acceptable way for him to behave toward you. I am nerdy myself and have dated and been friends with male nerds—I can tell you firsthand that some of them are the most entitled, slimey dastards you’ll ever meet.

I think people can change, but it’s hard, so most people won’t. Besides, why would he change? He likes having you as his eternal backup plan, running around trying to figure out what makes him tick and how to make him happy again. And he likes being able to flirt and (he hopes) have sex with other women on the side. As long as you stay with him, you are proving he can get away with it, so he won’t change. That’s a guarantee.

ussr_ftw · 2021-07-23T23:55:16+00:00

HE is already a failure. That's why the marriage is like this. YOU did not fail, he failed YOU.

Don't go the sunk cost fallacy. Don't dwell on the years lost, prepare for the years you will have free from this loser.

gravesearcher · 2021-07-24T00:03:29+00:00

I just want to tell you how sorry I am for you.

You sound a lot like me (I have hashis too and am being monitored for lupus!) I too was afraid of being on my own and I didn't want my life to change either. But I want you to know that life gets better without them. It's scary and hard at first, but soon it will surpass what you had. Trust me.

Sending love and hugs to you

ferociouslycurious · 2021-07-24T04:37:27+00:00

He won’t ever change. He has no interest in ever improving himself. It’s so much easier to play the sympathy card and play stupid helpless man. Oh boo hoo my parents. Real adults seek help from therapists or medicine from physicians, not pity from partners in codependency. I’m sorry he’s been essentially lying to you for so long. I don’t think they know what they mean and what they don’t mean.

Few-Fortune-2391 · 2021-07-24T22:40:21+00:00

17 years...shocked pikachu face

lessadessa · 2021-07-27T13:03:42+00:00

You don’t need to prove anything to him. You knew and he knew. That’s enough. You can just leave.

Title	Once a liar always a liar?
Author	UcfBioMajor
Upvotes	266
Comments	68
Date	July 23, 2021 12:48 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/oq1oyt/once_a_liar_always_a_liar/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/once-a-liar-always-a-liar.793794 https://theredarchive.com/post/793794

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