This is a post about why you shouldn’t focus too much on why L/Z/NVM do what they do.

I want to be clear. It is essential that every woman approaches dating armed with the knowledge of how men do the scummy things they do, and why we as women shouldn’t tolerate said scummy things, and what HV love and courtship look like. However, I often see intelligent, curious, empathetic women getting sucked into the black hole that is the L/Z/NVM’s psyche. I used to be one of them. Don’t make my mistakes. The mind of a L/Z/NVM is a dark place. Those who go do not return.

If someone hurts or mistreats you, it’s natural and understandable to want to know why. We want to know if there were warning signs, if we could have prevented it and protected ourselves (all admirable goals). But we’re also often scared of things we don’t fully understand. Maybe you believe if you knew his reasons, it wouldn’t hurt so much. Maybe deep down part of you wants to excuse his behavior. Maybe you’re still defining yourself by him, so if he’s not giving you attention, you decide the next best thing is psychological spelunking. By thinking and acting in this way, you are still giving the man your energy, and reinforcing his centrality.

Let’s say a new guy canceled on your first date together, citing stomach flu. Why did he do this? Is he really sick? Is this a red pill tactic? Did his dick have a sadz? Who knows? More importantly, who cares? Your time is far to valuable to waste on someone who isn’t prioritizing you. The “delete” part of “block and delete” exists so you don’t spend your evening puzzling out these questions.

Or maybe your boyfriend cheated on you. Why did he do that? Did he want more sex? Was it the variety? Is the other woman smarter/dumber/prettier/wealthier/skinnier/sweeter? Is he a “sex addict?” Who knows? Who needs to know? He clearly doesn’t respect you or value your relationship with him. Block and delete him too.

This also applies to men who want you to understand their “deep, dark, and tortured” psychology, men who send mixed signals, men who post about “how to keep a man” or “what men want” online, men who are afraid of commitment, men who devalue your contributions, men who don’t know how to do housework, men who say they want children and then never take care of them, men who never buy you presents on your birthday or other holidays, and men who “forget” your dietary restrictions. Plus hundreds more subcategories of men being shitty that could fill a doctoral thesis.

Put the thesis down. It doesn’t matter why he does it. I’m here from the future and I can tell you: yes, he knew what he was doing, yes, he did it on purpose, yes he’s going to keep doing it. And even if he didn’t, why should you care why he treats you badly? Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who treats you badly, no matter his reasons? Do you think if you find out why that will somehow make the mistreatment un-happen?

All that matters is one simple question: is this relationship acceptable to you? YOU decide what you will tolerate, in every relationship in your life. Recenter the conversation around you. Put your energy back into yourself. That’s where the real answers are.