There’s a saying to never associate malice with an act when stupidity or ignorance also explains it. It is one of the biggest chunks of steaming bullshit that masquerades as advice you will ever get served up. It’s telling you to gaslight yourself. If you always assume the best of men, if you take them at their word, you are going to get hurt, a lot, and disappointed, a lot, because there are men who know you want to believe them and who will twist you up trying to make you find the right words to explain why what they’ve done is wrong. Don’t fall for it. Don’t make excuses for them either. It’s not his childhood traumas, past girlfriends, the situation, his lack of social skills- it’s him. Why he hurt you doesn’t matter- he’s proven he’s not safe.

The absolute safest thing for you to do when a man hurts you is assume that he did know what he was doing, he meant it, he wanted to, and he’ll do it again, and act accordingly- this goes for any type of abuse. Your body, your time, your attention, is not his prize or motivation for taking on the journey to becoming a decent person, you are not a redemption arc, and he won’t change. He won’t change- not because you aren’t good enough, but because he isn’t good.

When we search for excuses or the reasons behind why this particular man just doesn’t seem to understand why his behavior is wrong or want to change, we are investing way too much of our energy and focus into someone who isn’t worth it. This goes for overanalyzing past behaviors of exes. Trust he sucks.

The worst relationships I’ve gone through have had red flags about his behaviors that I justified to myself about. I gave him chance after chance to behave. I explained so many times and in so many ways how he was hurting me. I put all of myself into being a kind loving partner. In doing this I wasn’t being kind or loving to myself. I associated his abusive actions to paternal abuse and abandonment, his commitment issues to his parents relationship and divorce, figured I was just too picky or not open-minded enough when we disagreed on core values. I ended up fleeing to a domestic abuse shelter. At least it wasn't a body bag.

There's a reason we dump men at the first sign of him being inconsiderate. It's for our safety. There's a reason we discuss our high standards and vetting strategies. A lot of our content isn't just about dating, it's about surviving. We are taught through our socialization to ignore our gut feelings, to feel guilty about saying no, to think the best of others. We put others potential hurt feelings, especially male feelings, over our own safety. We are worth more than that.