What to do?

Owl-right · 2022-01-09T05:31:35+00:00

If he really is such a great guy you should feel comfortable discussing this with him. It's something you need to tackle head on or you will drift further apart emotionally until you will eventually split up due to the lack of communication and disconnection. Are these things you can both work on? Can he understand your point of view? Is your relationship worth salvaging? What do you want the end result to be?

vitryolic · 2022-01-09T06:12:32+00:00

I’ve had a look through some of your other posts about this and some of the garbage advice you’re getting from man-centred Reddit.

Firstly, don’t be ashamed of going through his phone, you only felt the need because you knew intuitively he was hiding something, which he was. Many people in happy trusting relationships share their passcodes because they don’t have things to hide. If he’s lying about something he has no reason to lie about, he’ll 100% be hiding something worse.

There are huge red flags from his end. Lying about a therapist over a year, painting you in a negative light to all his friends, not coming to you directly with his feelings but telling everyone else. ‘Dead bedroom’ is usually an indicator of a much deeper problem that’s presenting itself as lack of sexual interest. Think of it as a person might be getting headaches, but the cause of it is stress. What’s the emotional relationship cause behind the lack of interest?

Sounds like he’s put little effort into resolving things between you, if he complains his only issue is lack of sex. You’re right to think that’s ridiculous, if he doesn’t make you feel loved, supported, safe, and desired, why would you want to have sex with him? You’re not his bang maid to raise his children and perform for him at will!

Prepare yourself for a breakup- in that get your finances in order, plans for alternative accommodation, legal support if necessary. Because often when the man is a breadwinner, he will coerce you and gaslight you into thinking his opinion matters more, and that it’s too difficult to leave. You want to discuss this with him from a place of clarity, power, and safety, where you don’t have to acquiesce to his demands.

DivineGoddess1111111 · 2022-01-09T06:54:34+00:00

There is a reason you don't want to have sex with him.

You're exhausted with a new baby and so called "great guy" is likely not pulling his weight. Does he let you sleep in when he's available in the morning for childcare so you can make up for your huge sleep deficit dealing with a newborn? Does he do extra chores to make up for all the childcare you are doing?

Don't feel bad about going through his phone. I think you haven't gone through his phone ENOUGH. Look for apps you don't recognise or chat apps. Keeping a therapist secret for a year? I reckon he's cheating.

Softrito · 2022-01-09T15:30:50+00:00

The thing that stuck me was how he went and told countless people--especially other women-- about your guys' marriage. It comes across as manipulative and trying rally up people who are against you. They probably have a false belief about who you are based on his retelling of events/ would be difficult when shit hits the fan to get out because people would think you are whatever negative person he portrayed and would not support you.

East-Willingness513 · 2022-01-09T07:08:49+00:00

IT’s is 10000% normal to have less sex after a baby and that is completely fine. The fact that he discussed this with his friends and not with you means he values his friends opinion over your feelings. It sounds like he thinks it’s something you “owe” him because you “belong” to him and have wifely duties. Seeing a therapist in secret is really weird and not something a healthy person keeps from their spouse.

Maybe I’m ruthless but if my husband pulled any of this crap I’d be filing for divorce. Also snooping is fine, trust but always confirm.

mcSnappleteet · 2022-01-09T13:54:54+00:00

Posting a question like this on other subs within Reddit is so dangerous and I cannot believe some of the absolute horse shit that has been said. Less sex is an absolute real thing for many people. And normally, I am all for a person that wants to get therapy but why hide it??? That is so suspicious.

What does your husband do to please you? To get you in a place where you want to have sex? How does he help with the kids and what does he do to help around the house? Low or no effort does not get rewarded. And if you literally have to tell him things to do to help you and he expects sex as a reward.... that's just wrong. Please make sure you have an exit strategy for you and the kids. It doesn't sound like he actively wants to fix things unless you give in and bang him whenever he says.

daisy_0720 · 2022-01-09T06:59:53+00:00

OP, please do not feel guilty about going through his phone. Our intuition is there for a reason and yours was screaming at you that something was wrong. And you were right. If your husband had been open, honest, transparent and sincere, you wouldn't have felt the need to go near his devices.

First of all, confiding details about your sex life to friends is a massive breach of privacy. This is beyond inappropriate. You're concerned about going through his phone, but he has no issues about blabbing the intimate details of his marriage to outsiders. A good man would have spoken to you directly, because he would care about your perspective and want you both to work through things together. Healthy relationships address conflict as you + him vs the problem, not him vs you. Your husband should be your team mate, your partner, your #1 supporter. Instead, it sounds like he's crafting a narrative in which you are the villain and he's the poor, suffering victim. A man who loves you would never treat you in this way, nor would he want others to see you in a negative light. You made no mention of him defending you to his friends.

Re. the therapy. Lying by omission is still lying. This man has already demonstrated that he has no issues keeping significant information from you. What else is he lying about? Often with these types of dishonest people, the lies you discover are just the tip of the iceberg. The full scale of dishonesty usually isn't revealed until months or years later, if ever. This is concerning, not only because he's presumably spending significant amounts of money on a therapist without your prior knowledge or consent, but also because combined with talking to his friends, this man is preparing to gaslight you on a massive scale. There was a post on this sub recently about how therapy is ineffective for certain types of men, as they will weaponize the terminology and 'diagnose' you to be the one with the problem. Be prepared for your husband to accuse you of having some kind of disorder with 'proof', using his friends as his flying monkeys to back him up. You will be pushed into a corner, isolated, and bullied into thinking you are the problem. This is how narcs and abusers operate. If you are not seriously reconsidering this relationship, OP, now is the time.

EDIT: The advice you are getting on other subreddits is absolutely horrifying. OP, listen to me very carefully. You are not dismissive. You are not entitled. And for the love of God, there is nothing wrong with your libido. Women desire sex when they are feeling safe, cherished, loved and protected. Your husband has been lying to you for a least a year, is not supporting you and is actively working against you. No shit you haven't been feeling like you want to have sex with him. Our bodies pick up on these signs long before our conscious mind catches up. Please, please do not read the 'advice' you are getting on other subreddits. Stay here and listen to women who are looking out for you and want you to be okay.

Specific-Composer300 · 2022-01-09T16:39:27+00:00

You did nothing wrong by looking through his phone

LucyStar3 · 2022-01-09T08:34:03+00:00

Just dropping by to say, it's never "overstepping" looking at your life partner's phone. You're supposed to be together through thick and thin, and I don't understand how someone can keep phones as secret in such a relationship.

Noemie_Mathilde · 2022-01-09T10:55:29+00:00

Instead of paying for a therapist, he could be paying a nanny to babysit and take you out on romantic dates, which would probably make you more likely to feel like sex. He could also help out with chores more and help with childcare.

If you say something like "my god, I'm so exhausted and tired lately looking after the baby and doing housework, I barely have any energy left for sex". See what he says and does. If he doesn't get the hint and step up his game helping out around the house or by paying for childcare...then he doesn't deserve you.

oscine23 · 2022-01-09T19:11:20+00:00

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I know that when sex becomes a source of contention or topic of conversation all the time, or a man talks about his NEeDs, I’m turned all the way off. There’s a reason you don’t want to do it, besides the obvious, that you are a new mother and it’s fkn exhausting. Examine that, pinpoint what it is. I think your spirit knows something is off with him and is responding accordingly.

I’d be curious as to what he’s in therapy FOR. Clearly there are things you don’t know about him, and he doesn’t want you to know those things or he wouldn’t be hiding the fact that he’s getting help. Again, FOR WHAT? I suspect you don’t know him as well as you think you do, and that should concern you.

Telling other women about his sex life? That’s a violation. And sounds like a ‘poor me, my wife is neglecting me’ setup for cheating. Is cheating already? Who are these women he’s talking to? Find out.

All in all, the secrets are unsettling. I would straight up tell him that you looked in his phone and you want to know why he’s hiding these things. It’s going to come to a head eventually. Rip the bandaid off.

But by the tone of your post and replies, you look at him as the prize. You can’t operate from a place of strength with a mindset like this. Take some time and pull yourself together and remember who you are, then talk to him. He will of course try to make it about you snooping, but please remember that’s the least of it.

myeggsarebig · 2022-01-09T15:52:51+00:00

Oh, sweetie. You’ve been betrayed. It’s one thing to lightly grumble about your partner’s quirks, but this is such a violation of your privacy, both yours and the marriage. The only person he should be talking to about you, is you.

I can’t imagine how crushed you must feel. I’m sorry.

Enough good advice on how to get your affairs in order, will be given to you here, so I’m going to keeit short.

Please be kind to yourself. Whatever you do, put your needs first. If you’re fine, your babies will be fine. Now is time to step up and show your children what it means for a woman to respect herself.

I believe in you 💕

candyfox84 · 2022-01-09T17:27:16+00:00

First, big hugs.

I think telling other women about your sex life is one of the most disrespectful things a partner can do. That said, it’s not uncommon. I discovered my ex doing the same thing over text, just generally complaining about me like I was his mean mommy, asking him for things you should expect from a grown man.

I slowly lost interest in the relationship/sex even though I didn’t know what was fully happening. In my case I couldn’t talk to him about anything, that may be different for you.

Having a child is so hard on a woman and unfortunately some men start to complain the minute they aren’t the center of your world. Just live your own life and ignore his temper tantrums. He’s behaving like a child. You’re great just the way you are. XO

sewingmachinesavior · 2022-01-09T23:02:09+00:00

If you are happy with all other aspects of your relationship besides “the sex”, I’d suggest reading the book “Come As You Are”. It’s really amazing, and may help you decipher why you and your husband don’t have matching libidos right now.

I’d also encourage you to be completely honest with yourself: has he been helping that much? Has he been attending to your emotional needs? Does he make you feel special?

If your answer is actually “wellllll, sort of” to some of those, you may need to pull back and look at the bigger picture.

I know that when I don’t feel like having sex with a man, it’s because my emotional needs are not being met within the relationship.

Erocitnam · 2022-01-10T09:57:15+00:00

The fact that he's hiding therapy from you is super concerning. Not because therapy is sinister by itself, but because it indicates him putting up a wall between you two. He's not open to you, he won't be vulnerable, he's not connecting. Some part of him is reserved and he won't share it with you.

europoor24 · 2022-01-09T07:58:59+00:00

The other users have summed it up pretty well, but I’ll add this: if you don’t want to tell him you snooped through his phone bring up the lack of sex casually one night, ask if it bothers him, etc.. if he doesn’t take that opportunity to be honest with bout the therapist etc. Then that’s a bad sign that you two aren’t communicating.

melympia · 2022-01-09T20:51:09+00:00

I think there are a few different possible reasons for lack of libido.

Health issues. Do you experience pain during sex since the birth of your youngest child, maybe? Does he suffer from premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction? Also mental health issues like depression
Incompatibility in the bedroom. Is one of you kinky and the other vanilla? Does one of you prefer sex in the evening and the other in the morning? That kind of thing.
Lack of attraction. Did your partner let himself go and just doesn't feel attractive to you any more? Does he not speak your love language? (If, for example, presents/cuddles/romantic dates/vacations... are your love language and you don't get any - how are you supposed to feel attraction? Also, how are you supposed to feel attracted to a guy who badmouths you to all his friends???
Lack of orgasm. Trust me, I know this from personal experience: If your partner doesn't manage to give you an orgasm at least every once in a while, and every orgasm feels like a major lottery win - you'll lose your drive to try. Because it's a given it will be another failure if your partner can't make you cum.
Stress, exhaustion. With two children, it wouldn't be a surprise for me that you suffer from both. How much "you time" do you have for yourself? How much "us time" with your partner and only your partner? Is that maybe an issue?
Bad behavior. This can range from straight-up abuse to him just not caring about you and your well-being any more, him not making the least bit of effort on your behalf.
Porn. Seriously.
Cheating - although I doubt that's what you're doing, it is one of the things that could ruin your sexual appetite for your partner.

UmmmHiHello · 2022-01-09T15:51:43+00:00

I think you guys should be going to therapy together…. There’s a lot to unpack here and Reddit is not the source for long term progress

Sunshine_Daisies2525 · 2022-01-09T05:33:02+00:00

Reporting because this is the wrong sub. There is one called AskFDS where you can ask questions like this 💕💕

What to do?

Comments

Take your power back.

Title	What to do?
Author	yeetymcbeefy
Upvotes	177
Comments	51
Date	January 9, 2022 12:52 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/rzf50z/what_to_do/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/what-to-do.1093912 https://theredarchive.com/post/1093912