"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft has a whole section describing the abuse tactics of softbois (Mr. Sensitive in the book)

Sunday_V · 2021-08-19T06:52:11+00:00

Holy fuck, I dated this guy! He was my first real boyfriend. Everyone loved him and told me how lucky I was that he was my first. It wasn't until YEARS later, in therapy, that I started to understand how monumentally fucked up that whole relationship was.

It's awful that these guys exist and dupe other women, but there is a certain relief in realising it wasn't just me. Thanks for sharing this, it's going on my book list 👍

plaid-pancake · 2021-08-19T14:19:01+00:00

The last line resonated with me so much. That's every man I've ever known. "You should be thankful that I don't treat you worst, other men are more abusive." All men benefit from abusive men and say that shit to get us to fall in line. "Atleast I don't hit you" like that is some sort of selling point. The bar is so low, just NOT beating you is considered a good man in their eyes. No fucking wonder they hate fbs. Imagine having to do something other than not hit your partner. Imagine not being able to say "hey I'm a good guy, i don't hit you" to gas light your partner into staying with you. That's why men are losing their shit over fds, they might actually have to be good guys to keep a women and that's terrifying to them.

2021-08-19T05:44:51+00:00

This is one of the most important passages in the whole book. In my opinion, this is one of the most insidious types of abusive men. The emotional manipulation, and the weaponizing of therapy terms and "psychobabble" can make a victim doubt her own sanity and emotional regulation.

Anyone can learn the words gaslighting, trauma, bullying, etc. Abusive men are more than happy to use these terms to their advantage in order to skew situations and cast themselves as the victim. Block and delete, block and delete, block and delete. Leave him to process his feelings himself or with a therapist, your energy should be to enrich and better you first and foremost <3

janpra07 · 2021-08-19T05:50:39+00:00

Honestly, this is why it is so scary to trust men. Even when it seems like they are on our side by appearing “feminist” or “sensitive”, this has consistently been used as yet another ploy to gain our attention and trust. And… eventually use that to hurt us.

the_bigbadbitch · 2021-08-19T07:07:50+00:00

I am listening to the book and my god… just the amount of abuse that gets brushed aside. Men have gotten away with Soo much shit. Literally I’ve been abused, mentally, emotionally, physically, nagged for sex and made to feel shitty if I didn’t give it. The book is a great read for women and honestly once your done read it again.

lakat17 · 2021-08-19T07:08:18+00:00

As I began to read this, I honeslty thought, "well, I think I'm assertive enough and experienced to realize this if it happened to me in real life". But Bancraft level of analysis, and seeing how he picked up the contrast between the guys words and how he pushed Lundy and how Lundy explicity showed how this guy became the victim by "begging" Lundy to stop, really paints the picture how insidious it really is. I wish there was more awareness of the abusive behavior around "male emotional fragility". Its critical to discern between authentic emotional and mature responses vs fragile (abusive) male tantrums.

binbeenbetter · 2021-08-19T04:16:58+00:00

Sounds like a certain someone from the most recent bachelorette season

thisissomeshitman · 2021-08-19T06:38:16+00:00

This was my LVX through and through. I gasped when i read this part and also screenshot it for my friends because Holy FUCK. This book is brilliant, but a total shake up for sure.

Angry-Asian-Goddess · 2021-08-19T06:28:43+00:00

I cannot thank you enough for this. My ex was this exact guy, and 3 years of my life were spent in guilt and punishment. I loathed myself because he made me believe I was such a terrible person, and I stayed to make "amends" even when it got too abusive. I thought I was crazy, no one would believe me when I told them the kind of stuff he said to and did to me. I am so grateful I found this community of women ❤

daisy_0720 · 2021-08-19T10:34:09+00:00

Oh God, I think we've ALL dated this man.

A lesson I'm taking forward in the future - if a boyfriend is making you feel like a bad/terrible person, RUN. If you were really the awful person he makes you out to be, he would simply end the relationship, not stick around to emotionally abuse/gaslight you.

Gourmay · 2021-08-19T16:11:12+00:00

The men with NPD I dated were all Mr Sensitive.. it’s a fantastic cover. And it went exactly as described, I was always hurting his feelings with the most trivial comments. He once nearly broke up with me because he casually mentioned a study on saunas and I also casually told him I knew it and the methodology on it was bad because x and y. I work in science.. there were so many insane examples like this and of course I blamed myself. It took a therapist to tell me that although men like Trump are what we imagine as narcs, many of them are quite different. My therapist says “narcissists come in many different flavours”.

Many of these men think like Brad, that if you haven’t hit a woman, it’s all acceptable.

Oh, and both narcs I was with cried and cried when they split up with me out of the blue. One of them picked me up, dumped me in his car as We were about to celebrate him for something and I had given him a bunch of gifts, brought me back to mine, then cried on my bed for honestly five hours not giving me any explanation as to the break-up but explaining how much he was hurting and would miss me. And I was just trying to console him, having to swallow up my own pain.

TrixieFriganza · 2021-08-19T08:19:15+00:00

These type of abusers are the real scary sociopaths/psychopaths, they see themselves as the good person who always has right but probably wouldn't even blink to destroy your whole life if you decide to leave them and maybe not through physical violence because they're not like those other men. It's easier to fall in their trap too because it's not usually obvious that they're abusers and it will take time to realise and Accept it as abuse (specially considering how manipulative they are), so important that women are taught of this kind of abuse too and that sometimes it can be even worse than physical abuse. Though I'm sure the type of man in this story will hit if he feels cornered or gets angry enough and hard even if it's maybe not his first choice of abuse because he's a good/sensitive man.

Turbulent_Buffalo_28 · 2021-08-19T15:53:39+00:00

Read that book I found here (actually almost finished it) thanks to the woman that posted it a week ago on another post.

My ex can be classified in almost all categories - Which is disturbing a lot. I’m so glad I managed to throw him out of my life.

Since I read the book, I feel like I got lenses on eyes, seeing so many details I wouldn’t had paid attention before.

Ladies, read that book !

I’m also sharing some parts with my best friend and my sisters

the-cool-hedgehog · 2021-08-19T13:42:16+00:00

My stomach churned from flashbacks, this is so painfully accurate

missdanielleyy · 2021-08-19T16:10:57+00:00

This book is like the FDS Bible, tbh

londochig · 2021-08-19T04:44:51+00:00

Thank for sharing this ❤️

surviveIIthrive · 2021-08-19T10:30:07+00:00

I dislike pathetic men, so I'm naturally immune to this kind of bullshit coming from a male of all things. Any kind of mental defectiveness should be a warning to stay away from them, whether it is aggressive and entitled behaviour or excessive sensitivity and the constant centering around their emotions.

I can't think of a better waste of time than letting a man's emotions and personal mental problems dominate a conversation, much less an entire relationship. I swear men like that are energy vampires.

shutup201 · 2021-08-19T11:23:37+00:00

I hate abusers. They're just cowards who manipulate and exploit weak and vulnerable beings. Nothing but demons, spreading misery wherever possible.

MsWriteNow07 · 2021-08-19T18:03:05+00:00

I was really on the fence about reading this book before, but I’m going to download it right now. I’ve had two of this type of men and I have to say that they have been the worst relationships of my life. Cost me years of peace and sanity.

indisfury · 2021-08-19T05:53:13+00:00

This is very enlightening. Are you able to post the other types as well please? Thank you

sacchilax · 2021-08-20T02:28:27+00:00

Wow. My ex husband got a book written about him.

2021-08-19T04:59:58+00:00

This was so helpful honestly! I really need to read this book

Bellaskywalker1 · 2021-08-19T16:37:17+00:00

Very insightful! This book is Too Good!

Elegaunt · 2021-08-19T22:19:02+00:00

Oof. I always feel rage when I think back to how manipulated I was by a LVX exactly like this. His behavior was so textbook that there is literally a book about it!

quasarbar · 2021-08-19T23:28:31+00:00

Oh look, someone wrote a book about my ex!

scarl_charl · 2021-08-20T01:34:58+00:00

Am I crazy?? All the things that made him a softboi are just absolute red flags to me LOL

hesitantsteps · 2022-07-25T05:42:12+00:00

I'm listening to that right now and realizing how abusive my ex was in so many ways. He fit the description of many of the types of abusers, the softboi being one of them. He was also Mr right, the water torturer, and the victim. :/ I'm so happy I found this book though because it's teaching me so much.

Mamainas · 2022-08-16T05:09:08+00:00

"Men are just plain manipulative.

I’ve had a ton of dates, relationships, and hookups. Either from bars, common friends, or hookup apps (Adult Friend Finder, Tinder, Bumble). And they are all the same. Just differs in the way how they manipulate you. It sucks. "

Title	"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft has a whole section describing the abuse tactics of softbois (Mr. Sensitive in the book)
Author	the_bigbadbitch
Upvotes	1029
Comments	48
Date	August 19, 2021 3:35 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/p771vi/why_does_he_do_that_by_lundy_bancroft_has_a_whole/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/why-does-he-do-that-by-lundy-bancroft-has-a-whole.1057915 https://theredarchive.com/post/1057915

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