Are relationship checkups beta?

SaBahRub · 2020-10-20T00:29:25+00:00

If you want to play the “who cares less, wins” game, that’s your choice

SherbertBacon · 2020-10-20T02:00:30+00:00

Every job I've ever had has included a regularly scheduled 1:1 with a person's direct manager to check in on progress, difficulties, etc. It's "beta" to be a nice little softie who doesn't GAF about improving or taking criticism. It's "beta" to pretend like things just magically work out. Lol at all the "fRaMe" losers who can't manage healthy communication with someone they love. Good luck guys.

Honestly some of you try so fucking hard to act "above it all," and as someone on the outside looking in it strikes me as needy as hell.

brimstonecowboy · 2020-10-20T01:48:29+00:00

I would say to use the word "check ups" is beta. I figured you were talking about dudes that are constantly like "where are you? facetime me right now so I can see what you're doing" and " hello, why aren't you texting me?", "who are you with?" and shit like that. Like, watching over and checking up. That's weak and very beta.

As far as a casual conversation every now and again, asking how someone is feeling and if they need anything, or just want to talk about anything, is perfectly normal and healthy when dealing with someone you are supposed to care about.

How is this even a question? It's simple.

NarniaFox · 2020-10-20T01:32:55+00:00

Well, having LTRs is "beta" for people here, so I'm not sure why you're asking it. To confirm your own opinion maybe?

Seriously, I don't see anything wrong with it. It is a bit weird if you really schedule it and it just doesn't occur naturally though, but it's better to schedule talks about your relationships rather than ending up in a break up because neither of us were willing to start uncomfortable talk.

What's transactional about it? It's a way to communicate that some of your needs aren't met or learn that your partner's need should be attended.

2020-10-20T00:09:15+00:00

relationship

is beta to begin with

wekacuck · 2020-10-20T00:38:33+00:00

it seems a little...regimented and clinical? It seems like something someone on the spectrum would do.

Surely just having an in depth chat in bed once in a while would suffice?

xXxINCELFAGGOTxXx · 2020-10-20T03:06:18+00:00

Seems alpha. Dead bedrooms happen to people who aren’t doing this.

wekacuck · 2020-10-20T00:07:46+00:00

What's transactional about it? How's it negotiating anything? Also what's the big deal? Talking beats guessing what's on each other's minds. Not that I think it should be all scheduled and follow Robert's Rules or something.

But yeah it's probably beta if you're hunting things to placate.

Atlas__B__Shruggin · 2020-10-19T23:50:16+00:00

I cannot imagine the kind of men who accede to these things

AnarchoNAP · 2020-10-20T00:24:29+00:00

Seems dysfunctional. If something is a problem bring it up. Don’t wait for your next scheduled meeting. And if this is happening often then maybe reevaluate your life.

Relationships are transactional though. Relationships where you don’t expect the other person to provide things are called friends.

the-lone-squid · 2020-10-20T00:35:46+00:00

That is some retarded ass HR bullshit. If I was a man and somebody said that to me to that I would immediately next, and fuck five other plates

woyspawn · 2020-10-19T23:53:36+00:00

Beta

Any man that does that probably wears rainbow colored underwear

rosephase · 2020-10-20T00:45:31+00:00

Having healthy relationships is hella beta.

2020-10-20T03:04:44+00:00

Some healthy families do things like this once a month or so.

TheBookOfSeil · 2020-10-20T03:18:32+00:00

If there's a problem, speak up. If there's not, then assess yourself and take it from there. If the other person has a problem, they'll say something. Otherwise, don't mention it.

Pastelitomaracucho · 2020-10-20T04:24:01+00:00

A long term relationship needs constant communication. Otherwise people get entrenched in their own worries and assumptions about the other person. Often the assumptions are biased and incorrect.

If my priority is to keep my relationship alive and well for years, then I discuss with my partner how are we doing.

If that's beta, so be it.

rivertorain- · 2020-10-20T13:07:16+00:00

This seems very transactional too.

How exactly? I don't get it.

sritaunicelular · 2020-10-20T15:55:24+00:00

A relationship check in doesn’t sound romantic, but it’s a tool to work on yourself and your relationship, just like couple’s therapy. With therapy People set them weekly or bi-monthly for example, and putting it on a calendar and/or a specific time has more to do with busy lives. Some people even schedule sex, and it works for them.

I do believe any relationship is transactional in a way. You both invest time and resources expecting something in return, and when needs aren’t being met across the board, you end up with problems. So how are you suppose to address them?

Ideally these would happen spontaneously but you’re assuming that both people are equally emotionally mature and self aware enough to bring up concerns. But in my experience, a lot of people tend to internalize conflict or hope “it goes away on its own” which builds up resentment. No one is a mind reader. A weekly process can help people get more comfortable with the simple act of talking about it.

Now addressing the most curious part to me, why would this be considered “beta”? Check ups are beta as in therapy and emotions would also be beta. It perpetuates the toxic stereotype that feelings are for women and not men.

I personally disagree that it creates a mindset of “there’s always something wrong” because the check ups can be about everything, and not exclusively related to the couple’s dynamic. It can be used to express how you felt throughout the week, what isn’t working in your routine, at your job, if you’re particularly stressed or concerned about anything. Also this is 2020, there’s always something wrong going on.

I have to also say, by TRP and FDS standards alone, a relationship is entered only after a series of risks assessments, planning, rules and scripts to follow. I don’t subscribe to either, but seems that people choose to manage their relationships more logically, and I don’t see anything wrong with that if both people benefit from it.

Jikira · 2020-10-20T16:12:31+00:00

I ask my bf every now and then if I am doing something to get on his nerves, because he works long hours he may not have had the time to tell me. I think that honestly really improved our relationship. As we have little time to actually argue as we both work insane hours. This ensure we can spend the little time we have together hanging out and such.

Barneysparky · 2020-10-19T23:51:12+00:00

relationships are 100% transactional. the problem is that women don't have to hold up their end of the deal.

Saint_Coomercel · 2020-10-19T23:52:18+00:00

She will probably ask him if they can make the relationship open if he did that.

YouSaidChicken · 2020-10-20T00:42:15+00:00

Relationships checkups (also called relationship maintenance) is a situation where one partner wants to air grievances about their partner to their partner.

In reality, the relationship is already over. Start the break up protocols immediately. There is no positive outcome as it just begins a complaining and resentment process.

reluctantly_red · 2020-10-20T01:24:01+00:00

If she's enthusiastically sexual with her guy the relationship is just fine. No other checkup needed.

Doctor99268 · 2020-10-20T01:37:23+00:00

Beta as fuck, lol you think chad/alpha/whatever does weekly check ups recording results in a little note binder. He pretty much has near absolute security.

oneplasticbike · 2020-10-19T23:53:38+00:00

beta af

2020-10-20T03:20:18+00:00

Yes. Reverse it. Ask her how she thinks she's doing as a gf

michael1962-01 · 2020-10-20T10:11:48+00:00

I don't understand the question?

In a ltr every day is relationship.

So if something is off track you name it direct.

Why should you do 'reviews' or such?

That's more a workplace thing.

Sid_Insidious · 2020-10-20T15:19:43+00:00

If you need a "checkup" where you sit down and like mature adults talk openly about your relationship like you're an employee talking to your boss, you've already failed.

She's already shit tested you, and if you need meetings to figure out what she wants you've already failed. If you missed it, you either lack the necessary intuition or you're just happier being obtuse about it.

When a woman needs to "use her words", she's already pissed off because she's being forced to use words rather than just create drama and tension and get her way.

2020-10-20T01:54:23+00:00

asking guys if they have checkups/reviews with their girlfriend periodically to see what they can improve in the relationship?

Physically revolted reading this. This is not beta, it's gamma.

taapy234 · 2020-10-20T03:09:19+00:00

definitely beta if you are doing the "reviews" with your GF. Women and being objective don't mesh well. She's probably going to lie to your face to save her face and have an edge over you. So why bother and show your cards to her when she's going use that information against you anyway? As the famous TRP saying goes, don't listen to what women say, but what they do.

Don't get me wrong. Checkups/reviews are definitely a good thing to do as a self introspection tool though. Women already do this instinctively.

Guys tend to take their relationship for granted from my experience (unless the girl goes really psycho and he is forced to confront it)

the-lone-squid · 2020-10-20T08:27:24+00:00

Yes. This is beyond beta. And quite frankly pretty cringe

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87AudreyHorne · 2020-10-20T11:02:29+00:00

I dont find it beta I find it... corporate and obscene. I'm not a person who operates like that. I would ridicule the shit out of it. That kind of relationship is for people who are dead inside

nucleargnomes · 2020-10-20T12:56:36+00:00

Depends on how formal. If you sit there and let them bareate you for hours on end, yeah probably and that isnt healthy for you. In saying that, if they say they arent happy and you try and negotiate, thats also pretty stupid.

But a check-up doesnt need to be some big formal thing. It can just be as simple as asking "If you could change one thing about this relationship, what would it be? See for me it would be X, Y, Z". Relationships by definition need another person, and if you ignore what they need then they've got every reason to ignore what you need too. A check up isnt just for them. It could also end in you asking for them to take more responsibility around the house, or put some time aside for them over the weekends.

The mentality of "is X beta" is very black and white. The answer will most likely be "if you do it in a beta way, yeah".

shalafi1978 · 2020-10-20T13:22:13+00:00

From my perspective this is nothing more than a scheduled comfort test; you shouldn’t need these kinds of reviews or checkups unless you have issues communication or sticking to and/or don't have healthy boundaries, you're insecure, need validation and/or have serious issues with listening to overt and/or covert communication.

Impressive-Spot-1191 · 2020-10-20T17:33:16+00:00

here is the optimal relationship checkup:

you want to smash?
if not want to smash, when you want to smash?

assess appropriately.

KapteeniJ · 2020-10-21T18:22:24+00:00

This sounds like a good idea. I might try to implement this if things get more hectic. Currently however there is always time to talk to each other in my ltr so no need to bring in these kinda measures.

Zonkey_Zeedonk · 2020-10-22T23:11:36+00:00

I am a woman and if a man I was dating offered to do this/suggested it I would jump his bones right then and there it would be so incredibly hot to me. Communication=WAP. Does that make it beta? I don’t know!

Title	Are relationship checkups beta?
Author	501tracj
Upvotes	8
Comments	190
Date	October 19, 2020 11:46 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/jedvwv/are_relationship_checkups_beta/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/are-relationship-checkups-beta.1194228 https://theredarchive.com/post/1194228

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