“If he wanted to…he would”

SaBahRub · 2021-11-27T19:07:46+00:00

Women for some reason put a lot of weight in words. No idea why

quiturbitchn · 2021-11-27T18:14:20+00:00

I think it’s true in the macro sense but not the micro sense. Like if your partner is going through a stressful period at work and doesn’t have time to text during the day it’s fine if it’s only temporary. If it’s like this all the time that’s when the saying should be followed

Insidious-Sid · 2021-11-27T21:10:30+00:00

Kids these days thing of all human interaction in terms of power imbalances.

That is why kids today are so fucked up.

So, this "whoever cares the least wins" phenomenon has shown up in human dating and mating rituals.

Showing interest in a woman is antithetical because it shows her "she can get you" and she's more interested immediately in men she has difficulty getting.

Actually, it kind of sounds like a sub-type of pre-selection.

Stoic_WillToPower · 2021-11-27T18:06:46+00:00

If you wanted to you would. You don’t want to because you want to create an image of being “cool”. You answered your own question. Being real, honest, and showing intent is better than being dishonest with your feelings and creating facades to manipulate perception.

PsychoticNurse · 2021-11-27T18:06:50+00:00

It's true. Even if he's busy, if he wanted to send you a quick text saying he'll be busy for the next few days, he would send it instead of ignoring you.

If he wanted to take you out, he would instead of just wanting to "hang out" at your/his place. If he wanted to defend you against his friends/family insulting you, he would instead of saying that's how they are and you have to get used to it. If he wanted to marry you, he would instead of coming up with excuse after excuse not to commit.

(I'm happily married but have seen all the above examples with my single female friends)

LalaTheSecond · 2021-11-27T17:59:52+00:00

Dude flirt with the ones you want. The confident ones probably already have a roster. The more shy ones probably won't.

I know why they say that, I just don't agree that ones approaching everyone are going to be good relationship material.

PreparationWorried33 · 2021-11-27T18:11:52+00:00

This statement is applied to more than just initiating conversation. Like putting effort into dates or a relationship in general, making time for someone etc. It’s mostly used to remind/encourage women in dead end situations to leave. It’s also very true. If you’ve communicated about something and tried your best but your partner still isn’t reciprocating. It’s probably because they don’t want to.

Educational-Ad6210 · 2021-11-27T20:36:04+00:00

Regarding playing it cool/doing the outreach, its simple but not a lot of people like the dynamics, that’s why they come up with exceptions of all sorts. The dynamics:

If you are a guy, always reach out unless you are in the top percentage. You can’t afford to act like a king of the mountain if other people don’t view you as such. Please don’t tell me “that’s why men no longer talk to women”, no one cares. Girls will just flock to guys who put themselves out there and this will be the end of story. You okay with that? Excellent. You are not okay with that? Do the outreach.

If you are a girl, always play it cool, unless you are in the top percentage. You can’t afford following the whims of your gina if you are not undoubtably desirable and rare. What do you think will happen if you throw yourself into embraces of every guy? If you are replaceable from the point of view of market value and he is not desperate, which is what I assume you want, he will not be motivated to give you anything of value. You okay with that? Excellent. You are not okay with that? Play it cool.

Exceptions of all sorts do happen but probably it’s not gonna be you.

-Giga- · 2021-11-27T20:58:29+00:00

The statement is so true, it is the one of the reasons I don't humor cOfFE DaTe and 50/50 clowns in any way.

Talk is cheap and with men even doubly so. On one hand, many of them have shit communication skills so getting anywhere is dubious at best. What matters is what they invest in and nothing less. Forget what he said, what is he doing? And by invest I dont solely mean money. Time, energy, skills. When men are properly motivated, they can get anything done. Its impressive, really.

So to me, you expecting me to show up to your cheap ass test drive is a gag. Nothing here that cant be accomplished on Facetime

For the shy guys, I understand shy but at the end of the day, even they understand if they dont pull something outta their ass the next guy wins. And they are all the better for it. Who do you want to be with, the man crippled by the thought of action or the guy really scared but pulled through? Look at the absolute state of fragile men. We cant do anything with the lot.

When they care, they show it. Most of them dont have the grace or the tolerance to politely fake anything that long.

The dirty secret is LVM bank off of the romantic imaginations of women. They do just enough and allow women to fill in their own narratives.. and profit.

Once you hush and you let them be, you'll see. Lotta bullshit artists out there while zero action occurs.

When he cares, you know. When he doesn't you know.

AdTructer · 2021-11-27T18:01:41+00:00

i always hold back, but is a problem that i have

i think is too superficial to interact to someone simply beacuse she looks good

Pastelitomaracucho · 2021-11-27T20:48:43+00:00

As for me it's true. If I really like her it will show.

Super-Peoplez-S0Lt · 2021-11-27T18:58:06+00:00

A lot of times this is used by lazy women who often place all the romantic expectation on the men. These are also the same women who complain about the man they fancy not asking them out. When you asked them if they asked him out, they get defensive and tell you that they gave them "obvious hints" (as if men are fucking mind readers). This statement is sometimes used to justify out of date expectations on men and remove any agency or accountability on women.

CatoftheBanals · 2021-11-27T18:27:42+00:00

When I was dating, this generally was true. If a good guy liked you, he would generally make it known. If he gets off on power games, then is he a guy you want? Do you want to play power games? Would that make you happy?

Just adopt some common-sense parameters. Sending a ton of messages a day is a red flag for both people; no messages for 5 days with no explanation is one as well. It's usually not hard to tell if your interest is being reciprocated.

VasiliyZaitzev · 2021-11-27T19:15:04+00:00

In general, over time, yes. It depends whether a couple is mismatched in terms of communication and on how strict the enforcement is. Ex. If a girl has a rule that the guy has to respond to texts messages within 10 minutes each time, NO GUY is going to manage that. If it's checking in every few days, if he can't manage that, then he's distracted by other pussy.

Same for women. If she's into you, you should be able to tell.

PlayfulLawyer · 2021-11-27T19:36:32+00:00

How true is this statement?

Very true for the most part

I here both sides. If a guy wants to talk to you he will go out of his way to do so. No job or regular old busyness will keep him away right?

I agree with that, especially with the conveniences of modern communication, there's no reason you can't send a text or a DM

But how often if ever do you want to contact someone but hold yourself back? Because I do this all the time with guys I like in order to play it “cool”

I don't, to me playing it cool is simply not responding right away within a few seconds, or the thing that some people do where they send multiple messages on top of each other in a short span of time , things like that

What’s better being the one who plays it cool or being the one who always reaches out?

If you're always the one reaching out , that's a little bit of a red flag I will say

shellstains · 2021-11-27T21:19:14+00:00

Do a mix of both. It’s more unpredictable and men are attracted to a bit of crazy even if they won’t admit it.

cuckspace · 2021-11-27T22:28:57+00:00

Men are hesitant to “reach out” because if they do they run the risk of rejection, ridicule, accusation of harrassment or a combination of all, having their messages screenshot and plastered all over the internet or in a worst case scenario getting a metoo accusation, resulting in loss of reputation, loss of job etc. Women create an environment where it is extremely risky for men to make an advancement and then whine when men behave accordingly in this dangerous new territory.

My new approach is making zero effort at sexual advancement, escalation etc. So far I’m having zero results, but at least I can sleep at night knowing that no woman has anything “on me” that she can use to ruin my social reputation.

TheBookOfSeil · 2021-11-27T19:05:42+00:00

It's mostly an excuse for women to wait and not do anything themselves.

The same statement can be applied to anyone who is capable of making decisions for themselves.

Equality, beaches.

Mrs_Drgree · 2021-11-27T19:11:56+00:00

[permanently deleted]

sorcieres · 2021-11-27T18:01:46+00:00

It's true to an extent. There's a difference between 'playing it cool' vs just coming off as really uninterested and making no effort to talk.

cvslengthbucketlist · 2021-11-27T18:21:07+00:00

It could be either one, like you said yourself people will often hold back not because they're not interested but because they don't want to look needy or over-eager, and guys do this too. Of course there's also guys who do that because they're actually not into you or they're talking to other girls. So it just depends on the individual.

And neither one is "better," relationships are supposed to be give and take, even in the courtship phase. The best strategy is just to talk as long as you feel like you have something interesting to say, not just for the sake of talking. If your "natural pace" comes across as needy or boring and that turns them off then it's better that they saw the real you at the beginning instead of putting on a facade and then flipping the switch once you're going steady.

midwesternMD · 2021-11-27T18:42:23+00:00

To answer OP’s question: like most things, it depends

If I’m chatting with only one match and I’m really into her, I will hold back because neediness has never gotten me anywhere. I try to roughly match her text frequency and delay, but every now and then, I’ll escalate a bit to see if she reciprocates. And if I’m always the one driving the conversation, I start to pull back entirely because I’m not going to be someone’s obvious backup plan.

If I’m chatting with 3+ matches and trying to keep track of which one I’m seeing on which evening, I’m going to “play it cool” because I won’t be messaging any other women when I’m on a date with one of them. I still make an effort to seem engaged with everyone, and clearly I’ll make a little more of an effort with the woman I’m most excited about. But again, if she doesn’t reciprocate that energy, I’ll redirect my attention/effort to one of the other women. If I realize I’m not excited about any of them, I’ll cut them all loose and start over.

And yes, there’s my work/career. Some evenings I’ll work late, other afternoons I might leave early. But I won’t prioritize a woman over my career until I’m in a committed relationship. Dating is a fleeting numbers game. My career? Not so fleeting.

NockerJoe · 2021-11-27T18:56:57+00:00

If its a job or equivalent then he should make time. But if you aren't formally a thing and want him to make a move you need to be available for him to do so.

When I was working more hours I'd still try to make time for a social life, but I've also been the guy who wasn't into it and didn't make time. But I've also been the guy who was expected to do 100% of the initiation and that just isn't acceptable.

Provided you're starting some of the communication and its going reasonably well I wouldn't overthink it but if you're playing it too cool things can run cold and he'll lose interest.

januaryphilosopher · 2021-11-27T19:30:39+00:00

I don't care for anyone playing games or intentionally holding back. I expect to receive the effort that I give in a relationship and I'll take a lack of effort at face value.

Initial_Chemical7121 · 2021-11-27T19:38:25+00:00

I think it’s true. Of course there are more urgent matters that may need to come first, but at the end of the day if he wants to he will. If he doesn’t, it also helps you not waste your time. “Playing it cool” almost never works. You seem like an aloof dickhead and if you have to force yourself to act cool, chances are you’re not.

SnooSprouts1580 · 2021-11-27T20:52:10+00:00

But how often if ever do you want to contact someone but hold yourself back?

Literally 100% of the time.

Stunning-Spirit5275 · 2021-11-27T21:23:48+00:00

I refrain / hold out on talking to women I’m interested mainly out of insecurity. Also, a lifetime of ADD makes it hard to hold a focused conversation in general

Plopolok · 2021-11-27T22:35:19+00:00

For shy / non-confident men, it goes more like this: If he wants to but you act like you don't want to, even slightly, he won't. It's only when he wants to and he thinks that you also want to that nothing will keep him away.

What’s better being the one who plays it cool or being the one who always reaches out?

If you're always reaching out and he never does, you should probably stop. Otherwise, maybe the best is to reach out while playing it cool? To flirt.

social_mule · 2021-11-28T00:04:50+00:00

In my observation people will find a way to do the things they want to do and will find a reason not to do the things they don't want to do.

Shamanhris · 2021-11-28T00:07:45+00:00

Guy here.

When I'm actually interested in a girl - I either tell them something like:

"Damn, I wanna go to ... but I'll probably be alone and that sucks"

or just straight up tell em :

"yo, wanna go out this Friday for few darts games and a drink"

So yeah, if I really like someone I won't hesitate

About the "plays it cool or being the one who reaches out" - 50/50 balance is the best thing to be honest.

SirTruffleberry · 2021-11-27T18:21:55+00:00

Women of today have immediate gratification at their fingertips 24/7. If you don't give them attention, others will. This is why playing hard to get is a losing strategy for guys.

sypherprince · 2021-11-27T19:38:20+00:00

Same goes in reverse too. If she wanted to, she would

Jakes1967 · 2021-11-27T18:28:18+00:00

If a guy wants to talk to you he will go out of his way to do so.

Only if she's worth his time.

No job or regular old busyness will keep him away right?

Bullshit, until she's a major part of his life, his career takes priority.

But how often if ever do you want to contact someone but hold yourself back? Because I do this all the time with guys I like in order to play it “cool”

Never played that stupid game.

What’s better being the one who plays it cool or being the one who always reaches out?

Being the one who's smiling, when the world goes to shit and calmly getting stuff done.

LackOf_Empathy · 2021-11-27T18:11:31+00:00

I hear both sides. If a guy wants to talk to you he will go out of his way to do so. No job or regular old busyness will keep him away, right?

The thing is men that women are attracted to don't prioritize relationships for good reasons; the more attention you give a woman the less value you are to her, relationships come and go while a good stable career stays with you, and men who are working on a high earning profession simply will have to dedicate most of their time improving themselves.

ToughAnswers · 2021-11-27T17:56:33+00:00

What’s better being the one who plays it cool or being the one who always reaches out?

Everyone is on someone's hook

Gigamon2014 · 2021-11-27T18:15:08+00:00

Lol FYI from guy with quite a significant chunk of experience...

Men and women who try to "play it" or seem cool, NEVER are. In fact they're often the most uncool motherfuckers you can meet.

I hope for your sake the guys you're talking talking aren't objectively desirable because if they are, you're already behind the curve. Back in my single/uni days, I has a bit of a rep for being a fuckboy on campus. One of my exes back then was in a group of three friends, one of them (who was model level hot) crushed on me hard but always played cool whenever she and I cross paths. My ex took the initiative and messaged me on Facebook and we ended up dating her for a year and a bit. And I know for a fact that said ex felt she got one over on her friend because of that.

Women these days complain endlessly about their inability to find decent quality men. I may not be single but when I venture out I notice how weird and almost hostile women behave towards good looking dudes...hell, dudes in general. I see it with guys who look desirable (tall, handsome, muscular). Generation Z/millennials have this obsession with playing it cool IRL and then crying online about their loneliness.

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xQueen-Bx · 2021-11-27T18:30:19+00:00

it doesnt matter if its true, its the only thing acceptable to me

CimZim · 2021-11-27T18:56:15+00:00

It's true. If he wants to do things with you, he'll ask if you're interested in joining him for X or if you'd like to do Y. Or sometimes even just saying he's going to Z, then agreeing when you ask if he wants some company.

KirthWGersen · 2021-11-27T19:29:01+00:00

I prefer to maintain minimal contact by text or calls: I don't like to contact or be contacted often, even when I am in love.

A bit of chit-chat between meets is fine, as long as it does not go on for long. It is not about being busy. I find it intrusive and controlling. And I find lots of other guys do too.

It is giving each other the gift of missing one another.

Texting all too often leads to misunderstanding. Calls tend to end up being a cold and boring waste of time.

That's why guys say to text only for logistics.

It is all about what happens when you are together, nothing else matters, unless you are the clingy, emotionally dependent type.

Notsonewguy7 · 2021-11-27T19:30:01+00:00

Kinda

wtknight · 2021-11-27T19:30:59+00:00

I think that it can be true for shyer guys. But the most attractive men usually aren't shy at all and, if a guy doesn't go out of his way to pursue a woman, then he's really not that interested, and even if he does go out of his way, he may just be looking for a pump and dump or plate.

Kitchen_Apartment · 2021-11-27T19:45:05+00:00

I don’t think it’s a great black and white rule to follow. There are plenty times I’ve wanted to do something or initiate conversation, but I didn’t. That rule doesn’t give room for nuance.

However, I’d look for a PATTERN. That gives insight into someone’s intentions better than a single instance.

lostwanderer28 · 2021-11-27T22:28:28+00:00

Same should apply for her too "if she wanted to... she would"

midwestufohunter · 2021-11-27T22:37:09+00:00

The idea of being w a guy who isn’t head over heels into me gives me the Icks. Is it even consensual? Yuck.

Laytheblameonluck · 2021-11-27T23:53:34+00:00

"If she wanted to...she would have sex with me"

otter6461a · 2021-11-28T01:24:22+00:00

If he wanted to be tall, handsome, rich and ripped, he would

Title	“If he wanted to…he would”
Author	livs4drpepper
Upvotes	10
Comments	117
Date	November 27, 2021 5:55 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/r3iv27/if_he_wanted_tohe_would/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/if-he-wanted-tohe-would.1086259 https://theredarchive.com/post/1086259

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