Vetting is overrated

taapy234 · 2021-02-17T04:01:40+00:00

Vetting is NOT overrated.

Because like you said, people ALREADY date people based on opportunity, circumstance and mutual attraction, and mostly nothing else.

People are supposed to vet others. But they don't. Not vetting is about as widespread as alcoholism today basically.

WHICH IS WHY PEOPLE ADVICE YOU TO VET in the first place!

Ever heard guys talk about "post nut clarity?" This is why many guys advice you to jerk off before meeting up with a date. Because you don't want your horniness dictate whether you like the girl or not.

I have known tons of dudes who dated purely out of desperation, and women who base everything on the vagina tingle index.

SaBahRub · 2021-02-17T01:57:24+00:00

Why is zero information better than 1 or more information, now?

PreMedGirlCA · 2021-02-17T05:12:11+00:00

Vetting in NOT overrated. The best way to protect yourself is NOT to take unnecessary risks and endure pain with the one and only life and body you have. That’s high risk behavior and dangerous.

wtknight · 2021-02-17T02:05:51+00:00

The best way to protect and strengthen yourself against emotional pain is not to pretend you can vet out all risks and harm, but actually to take risks and endure them, and inure yourself to the discomfort, becoming stronger in the process.

But then, you have manosphere guys saying that women with a hign N-count are not suitable for relationships. The only ways to prevent this is either for a woman to somehow psychically know when a guy isn't going to pump and dump or plate her, or for a woman to vet men in order to determine if he is actually attracted to her for more than sex, which is what I believe women should be doing.

Barely-moral · 2021-02-17T01:51:18+00:00

But, if we're being honest, compatibility, value-alignment, and other high-level vetting criteria are not the primary drivers of who people end up dating, at least when they're young.

That is the problem

This illusion of principled, systematic vetting being the best way to prevent yourself from getting hurt is just false, and frankly childish, even robotic and unemotional.

Principled, systematic vetting is the best way to reduce risks. Not eliminating them. The point is not avoiding pain but rejecting incompatible people.

Yes. It is robotic and unemotional. That is the point.

AnarchoNAP · 2021-02-17T01:35:57+00:00

But, if we're being honest, compatibility, value-alignment, and other high-level vetting criteria are not the primary drivers of who people end up dating, at least when they're young.

Yes, that's the complaint. The proposition is to do vetting instead of this.

Lateralanouncer · 2021-02-17T03:33:03+00:00

Vetting is important to avoid investing your resources time etc into an unworthy partner. Men being the gate keepers of commitment, like a woman vetting to who she is going to bend over for. You if a man of value need to vet who you give commitment time and resources to.

flapperfemmefatale · 2021-02-17T02:05:14+00:00

But, if we're being honest, compatibility, value-alignment, and other high-level vetting criteria are not the primary drivers of who people end up dating, at least when they're young.

Yeah... that's a bad thing. That's why I wasted time on horrible men when I was young.

801735 · 2021-02-17T01:35:52+00:00

Vetting is overrated

Nah, it's just not an 1 time event, it's an ongoing process.

Vetting not only isn't overrated, we do it all the time anyway. Where else do all the ~~divorces~~ (fuck divorce and marriage) breakups come from?

BlackPorcelainDoll · 2021-02-17T02:07:44+00:00

"Vets" are not standards; for most people, it is just ex post facto informative data to make informative decisions in terms of well-being when proceeding forward should one willingly enter into a monogamous-deal.

Not only does healthy vetting minimize useless harm (not 'useful harm') that serves as a way for development and growth, but reasonable and informed decisions on how to conduct your romantic life are not mutually exclusive with love, emotions, and so forth - if anything, vetting a reasonable management of ones emotions and understanding in how this influences and effects decisions in the future, rather than a lack of, if not purely emotional "based" and driven by useful generalizations and prejudices (e.g. religious fundies, Cluster B personality traits) etc.

The crux of "RP ideology" is that X is inevitable (reality) so it is reasonable to take steps to mitigate unnecessary harm/suffering. Now, how people actually go about this clearly goes off the rails. Clearly, making extensive character judgments off limited data is not enough to inform a long-term decision in any reasonable way (intuition) because this judgmental attitude is done without extensive evaluation of character, however, making judgments on immediate behavior sets the stage to form attentiveness to patternized behaviors (either you've experienced before, and thus can vet "around" or out) or avoid, and is not mutually exclusive with 'passion' and the ooey-gooey. My vetting system has been effective and I seen no reason to change or eliminate it.

Bandit174 · 2021-02-17T02:21:38+00:00

Just because people often suck at vetting or can't 100% vett for everything doesn't mean it's overrated.

TheBookOfSeil · 2021-02-17T03:23:06+00:00

[permanently deleted]

2021-02-17T07:05:57+00:00

You're talking about the same thing no? Without experience, you are largely going by trial and error. Each time you will learn something, which you can apply to the next vetting process.

Perhaps a mistake would be to apply something to the vetting process without trialling it first, but that doesn't meant he vetting process isn't worthwhile.

JohnDoe9564 · 2021-02-17T01:35:13+00:00

The Toupee Fallacy.

Everyone thinks they're an expert at vetting till it happens to them.

NeuroplasticSurgery · 2021-02-17T03:47:01+00:00

[permanently deleted]

rosesonthefloor · 2021-02-17T03:53:48+00:00

Psychology has shown that humans are very bad judges of character and aren't rational but rationalizing creatures. Our gut and intuition is usually just a rationalization of what we want to be true. Women be like "female intuition yas" yet end up in shitty relationship after another. Men well aren't as arrogant about their intuition but still believe in it, thinking they're the exception.

It's like recruitment. HR + hiring managers make out recruiting to be this systematic and flawless way of picking the best candidate. But they choose shit candidates all the time; turns out asking "what's your greatest weakness" says nothing about the candidate. They choose the person they'd want to hangout with the most; HR criteria is just to bypass discrimination laws.

So in many ways I agree with you. But nothing will change as everyone thinks they're the exception to the rule. Life ends up being trial and error; failing your way to success.

superlurkage · 2021-02-17T05:21:27+00:00

Of course, we should never protect ourselves by checking criminal histories, asking mutuals for information, or seeing if basic data checks out

Caveat emptor and “trust but verify” is for losers! Going in blind is the only way to go!

You can keep trying to get women to ignore our own self interest, but most of us know we are primarily responsible for our physical and social well being, and will be socially and legally blamed if we don’t research, vet and test

pongaminbloom · 2021-02-17T05:47:07+00:00

Vetting is "overrated" for the men who get eliminated before they get sex. It is underrated for women who avoid unnecessary heartbreak, preserve their reputations, and get married to the right person in time to have kids.

Jakes1967 · 2021-02-17T11:56:14+00:00

Vetting is overrated

Fail to plan and you plan to fail.

...vetting is the barricade, the last best defense against winding up in unsatisfying relationships and being hurt by users and abusers.

Rubbish, that's your personal perception. It's a tool to remove blatantly unacceptable candidates.

...pathological pain avoidance is itself a major issue

Agreed, to be human, is to suffer

...vetting is not the panacea people here would have you believe.

And zero vetting, is akin to buying a car off the internet, sight unseen and expecting an outstanding vehicle to turn up. Does it happen? Yes, is it the norm?

...people are constantly engaging in it when meeting new people, consciously and otherwise.

For women it's called preferences and choices. For men it's obviously misogynistic and a hate crime.

But, if we're being honest, compatibility, value-alignment, and other high-level vetting criteria are not the primary drivers of who people end up dating, at least when they're young.

Speak for yourself

The primary drivers are simply circumstance, opportunity, and mutual attraction.

True, but remove standards, choice and preferences and it's doomed to fail..

This illusion of principled, systematic vetting being the best way to prevent yourself from getting hurt is just false, and frankly childish, even robotic and unemotional.

It's a paper exercise, removing the blatantly obvious, as well as those deemed unacceptable via choice and preferences.

....is not to pretend you can vet out all risks and harm

Nobody said all

but actually to take risks and endure them, and inure yourself to the discomfort, becoming stronger in the process.

This is an extremely ignorant and obviously flawed tactic, deemed to fail.

Grand_Duty · 2021-02-17T02:05:18+00:00

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p-u8ZmVYbLI

Feminsmkildredtt · 2021-02-17T02:25:56+00:00

Today it is simple, tomorrow we add one more layer, by the time you have finished your exploration phase, love becomes mathematics.

And the more you date the more love becomes mathematics.

2021-02-17T05:49:08+00:00

Let’s be honest, no one of either gender (beyond extreme cases) is heavily vetting a smokeshow. Vetting is just a way to turn maybes into nos.

Every MGTOW on the planet is one knee buckling blowjob from marching on the front lines of feminism.

“Vetting” is usually just sour grapes from those incapable of inspiring lust in who they really want. I know that’s why I do it lmao.

LetsGetin_Formation · 2021-02-17T07:04:31+00:00

This assumes one can continuously fall in love and be as naive as they were when they were young...for years.

There’s a reason why men and women get jaded and bitter as they’re older. It’s the residual pain of their younger years.

Before people vetted, and loved based on circumstance and butterflies, we danced into traps we can see as clear as day now. Why? We were young. We didn’t know better.

The problem isn’t “deciding” to vet. The problem is being a functioning adult and learning from past mistakes. It’s literally human nature to do this since birth. That’s why we admire fearless children but we don’t allow them to run their lives. They are living life to the fullest, but in a delusional state where they’ve never experienced the pain of some of their actions.

Same with youthful, unvetted love.

Your post was refreshing and idiomatic, just like my first relationships. I wish I could feel that way again and I probably will since I’m still young, but I’ll always vet more than the last time.

I’m going to fall and get burned again, but next time won’t be for the same reason as the first. I’ll do my best to vet that out. Each new relationship is a slightly new kind of love and new kind of pain.

SilentLurker666 · 2021-02-17T16:53:23+00:00

The best way to protect and strengthen yourself against emotional pain is not to pretend you can vet out all risks and harm, but actually to take risks and endure them, and inure yourself to the discomfort, becoming stronger in the process.

Horrible advice - you marry an abuser and you'll physically take punches and slaps to the face daily. It might build up your pain threshold and reflexes thou. lol

2021-02-17T18:35:50+00:00

Vetting isn't just to find a compatible match. I consider vetting to be mostly for safety. The less men I let into my life, the safer I am. If I am not going out on random dates w men I haven't vetted, I have less chances of having a bad experience (getting raped or assaulted) or attracting a stalker.

oobertas · 2021-02-17T20:21:13+00:00

frankly childish, even robotic and unemotional.

If this is your idea of what vetting is, is it any surprise you see no value in it?

Is it possible that there are good vetters who do it better than you envision?

Randalcunningham · 2021-02-17T02:15:15+00:00

This is a fantastic post

Demasii · 2021-02-17T01:41:58+00:00

The best way to protect and strengthen yourself against emotional pain is not to pretend you can vet out all risks and harm, but actually to take risks and endure them, and inure yourself to the discomfort, becoming stronger in the process.

I agree with you but to RPers this is just women "hamstering" excuses for themselves.

Sarcasm - Oh look! A woman's heart got broken by a man who made her feel like crap! She learns that she wants a relationship with a man that doesn't need to put her down to build himself up.

Found him! Oh wait! He is a loser Beta!!! She never TRUELY wanted him. Even if she is the one who broke up with the first man. All women only have one shot at happiness!!!

2021-02-17T02:06:27+00:00

I don’t think it’s even possible to satisfy most people out there, and too many women are impossible to please due to sky high expectations and false notions of entitlement . Even if a man did everything right she’d still find fault and wonder if there was something better out there. Men can be just as bad but women have more options as the gatekeepers of sex,

AutoModerator · 2021-02-17T01:31:27+00:00

Attention!

You can post off topic/jokes/puns as a comment to this Automoderator message.
For "CMV" and "Question for X" Threads: Parent comments that aren't from the target group will be removed, along with their child replies.
If you want to agree with OP instead of challenging their view or if the question is not targeted at you, post it as an answer to this comment.
OP you can choose your own flair according to these guidelines., just press Flair under your post!

Thanks for your cooperation and enjoy the discussion!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

moviecooknl · 2021-02-17T06:49:26+00:00

The best way to protect and strengthen yourself against emotional pain is not to pretend you can vet out all risks and harm, but actually to take risks and endure them, and inure yourself to the discomfort, becoming stronger in the process.

Which in result will give you insight on which values are important for you so that future relationships will be with a long term partner that are compatible with your core and most important values. In other words: vetting and screening.

I don't know where I read it, but an author gave the example of a preacher getting in a serious relationship with an active porn star. We all know that they have different core values while they may have no issues when it comes to sexual compatiblity, chemistry and/or attraction. But in the end this relationship is doomed to fail.

Having said that, vetting and/or screening for compatiblitity on all fronts (sexual, values, personality traits, etc) is not a simple process that can be checked off with a couple of dates (especially since people have a tendency to Say A and do B) or even while already being in a years long relationship.

Certain aspects of conflict in values will come out after the honeymoon period and/or during the hard moments that have influence on the stability and security of your relationship; how both partners handle this conflict and react to each other boundaries is also a part of the vetting/screening process.

Iluvalmonds83 · 2021-02-17T14:40:15+00:00

I’ve never viewed vetting as the fail-proof mitigator of ALL risks that the other person is not a good match. Even with great, extensive vetting, There’s no way that you’ll prevent yourself from getting hurt 100%. There’s a risk of failure with every relationship; proper effective vetting just helps lower that risk a bit.

NeedingAdvice86 · 2021-02-17T18:36:00+00:00

You can't avoid vetting or getting vetted.....people do it constantly in every aspect of life from relationships to business to just walking down the street at night. Humans are bred to vet their environment and the world around them.

The real problem is people who disregard the vetting to proceed anyway.....

Like earlier this week, a dude on here was wondering if he should be concerned that his GF texted her Ex on New Years Eve to wish the old BF a wonderful new year and let him know how much she enjoyed\cherished their relationship together.....HUGE FUCKING RED FLAG for his relationship. Of course, the usual horrid PPD "bad choice" harpies all rushed in to tell him that nothing was wrong with her goo-gooing on that sentimental night with an old flame from 7 months ago, they all kept in touch with their 100s of Ex's so he should be ashamed for not trusting his GF. <rolls eyes>

He was being told to overlook the obvious red flag.

It was a prime vetting opportunity for the guy to lower his expectations with his girl and that she was more likely than not to end up ditching him to return to her old BF or would likely jump at the chance to fuck him if the opportunity presented itself in the next few months or so. He didn't have to drop her completely NOW but should just know that he was 2nd choice and if she had been at a party on NYE with the guy in attendance, she would have fucked his brains out. She wasn't over her ex and would likely jump on any opportunities to rehash her feelings if presented without a 2nd thought to him.

Vet her as not relationship trustworthy.... to ignore this vetting red flag was at his peril.

NeuroplasticSurgery · 2021-02-18T20:06:43+00:00

[permanently deleted]

HobbitShaker88 · 2021-02-19T17:18:28+00:00

"The primary drivers are simply circumstance, opportunity, and mutual attraction. Beyond that, most people just are not engaging in some consciously meticulous filtering and elimination of prospects. The actual reality is people seize on opportunities as they present themselves, take risks, get hurt, and experiment again. "

Maybe when you're young...for me when I got closer to my mid 20s I did start a vetting process. Some of the things I started to look for that caused me to filter out men, either by breaking up with them, rejecting me, no longer considering them a crush/love interest, telling them I did not like their behavior and them breaking up with me right after:

-What are his views on women and cheating? When I notice misogynistic behaviors, I will re evaluate the guy.

-How focused is he on money and looks? I dont consider myself to be all that superficial and am turned off by men who are like this. How narrow is his range of what is acceptable beauty in a partner? Is this someone who will turn into a terror when I get pregnant and dont lose 10 lbs right away?

-Is he against marriage and kids? Thats an instant dealbreaker for me.

-How does he treat his friends and family? (Also including behind their back, as this is an indication of how it will be in the future when he talks about you).

-How does he handle conflict? I have had exes straight up never admit theyre wrong/say theyre sorry/think theyre perfect, refuse to discuss a conflict or stonewall me, tell me what I want to hear and then continue their behavior. All poor ways of handling conflict, even if youre attractive to me and compatible with me, our relationship would never last.

-Do you like my communication style? I'm pretty open and can be frank/blunt, not everyone likes this.

-Will they meet my needs? I score highest on Touch and Quality Time for my Love Languages. Men who refuse to meet my sexual needs and time needs wont last with me. I dont think Im clingy or unreasonable in what I expect either. I like my alone time and do need some, but if you literally never spend time with me and prefer your friends over me, I dont care how much I like you we're done. I have tried to make it work with men who are selfish in bed or have a low sex drive too, NOPE.

Title	Vetting is overrated
Author	NeuroplasticSurgery
Upvotes	37
Comments	203
Date	February 17, 2021 1:31 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/lliv2p/vetting_is_overrated/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/vetting-is-overrated.1192296 https://theredarchive.com/post/1192296

Comments