If you get dumped and stay friends with your ex after the breakup, this is what will happen. [recovered]

Delicious_Ad_1853 · 2022-01-07T17:02:24+00:00

That's definitely a legit story that happens all too often. I have my own version of it. Most of us do.

There are happier ways for it to end, but it takes healthy boundaries, good two-way communication, and plenty of emotional work. Most people don't want to put in the work, though.

Often it's better for everyone to simply cut ties so you have the space to grieve in your own way.

Own_Use_5022 · 2022-01-07T14:33:14+00:00

Sad but true, so move on my friend. After a while u will look back an think man i was hurt and smile about.

hulk_hogans_nutsweat · 2022-01-07T17:58:22+00:00

This is why you don’t stay friends with exes and you don’t become friends with a crush, because what happens with a crush is almost identical.

Deep_Stratosphere · 2022-01-07T22:05:06+00:00

That shit hit home…

2022-01-07T15:08:01+00:00

Hanging around an ex for platonic friendly time is awkward and pointless. There is a better reason to spend some time with an ex, and that is to shag.

ignitedwolf9200 · 2022-01-07T23:16:30+00:00

This is why you ALWAYS cut the cord ASAP. Sorry you’re going through this

HallPersonal · 2022-01-07T22:40:07+00:00

exactly, better to become better off than her by using all that wasted time on making her feel validated towards something that is a net positive for you. all these disney movies were designed as entertainment and not as a guide on how to fall in love. pouring out your love to a woman won't go as the movies go, she will instead get increasingly more and more stand-offish and creeped out.

best to invest in your future at all times.

also it takes 30 days to kick an addiction and create a new habit. i say write down the last time you are gonna message her, put it on your fridge or someplace you can see it, get rid of everything else related to her and after 30 days of no contact, throw out that note. let yourself heal and move on

aidsjohnson · 2022-01-08T01:28:53+00:00

Yeah it really makes no sense. The only times I’ve seen this work is when the dude is just absolutely slaying pussy and isn’t insecure. If you stay friends with the girl after the fact and you don’t get any other women it’s bad for your mental health and you’ll just suffer from oneitis. The best thing to do is cut off all contact. Don’t follow, don’t cyber stalk, don’t even text. Just pretend she’s dead, have a funeral for her in your brain, and move tf on.

brownroush · 2022-01-07T23:05:30+00:00

Forgot to add: one day she’ll start dating someone, and hide it from you…till you find out the hard way.

I went no contact after that

pensivemindtime · 2022-01-08T00:33:00+00:00

This just prolongs pain. It’s one of the hardest things a human can do that doesn’t involve physical pain (well sort of). Especially if it’s one-sided.

Best to try with all of your might to detach. Acknowledge what it was, learn from it, and be on your mission. Common aids are focusing on your health (diet,exercise,meditation) and your financials. You have those secured, you’ll be in a much healthier position. Easier said than done, but that’s what I would have told my younger self.

It does indeed get better with time BUT only if you commit to what you need to do. Of course this is all a personal journey, but there’s no doubt that if I had done these things in a more serious and focused manner I would have healed much faster. All the best to anyone going through this!!

willgo-waggins · 2022-01-08T01:14:27+00:00

There is an entire sub for this.

r/ExNocontact

Read it and live it. It doesn’t work to “stay friends” after a true relationship. It’s fine. Time to nice in no matter how hard that is. And no contact is the name of the game.

TheDandyWarhol · 2022-01-08T01:11:17+00:00

This is weird since I know a guy named Roland married to a Steph.

lostkarma · 2022-01-08T00:18:41+00:00

Eventually you can become friends again with ex. I’m good friends with like 6 of them. They are my best wing women. Since breaking up, I’ve learned that they were not the one woman for me… always see a GF in rose colored shades.

That being said, it did take several weeks of low/no contact after each breakup to get that way. Longer relationship, longer recovery. Also, super important, you can’t hook up with them ever again after breakup (vacation sex doesn’t count), otherwise it ruins ability to be friends long term.

simbuah · 2022-01-07T23:11:53+00:00

Your title is misleading. This is totally on you for saying "you want to be friends" when your intention are clearly different.

If your true intention was being friends with your ex would be a much different experience. I personally wouldn't do it, because I never had that intention.

Alive-Doughnut2345 · 2022-01-08T01:13:46+00:00

Staying friends with your ex is like saying “the dog died but you can still keep it”

Don’t know how much I agree with that but it hits hard

OThinkingDungeons · 2022-01-08T02:43:50+00:00

You HAVE to give yourself space to heal (at least in my experience)

SpinCity07 · 2022-01-07T23:18:38+00:00

I’m so glad I went crazy and burned our bridges. That would have been hell. Sorry for your pain though. I recently got dumped to and know its fucking painful. I’ve been doing neurofeed back however and it helps with the depression. Almost feels like I’m doing spotless mind of eternal sunshine but not erasing memories.

BonsaiDiver · 2022-01-08T00:05:25+00:00

If you stay "friends" with her this is what will happen. You *have* to move on - it is for the best, for both parties.

Hofmannboi · 2022-01-08T00:09:30+00:00

I hear you man. It fucking sucks to care so much about a person knowing that they don’t feel the same.

Don’t be hard on yourself for caring about someone, you just gotta let go a little bit at a time. Stop following her, stop texting her and stay busy.

Doesn’t mean it’s the end, it’s just not right now.

Comand94 · 2022-01-08T00:16:37+00:00

Too late dude, i have to tell you, you are spot on... I have lost myself because of this during 2021. I've literally been going mad and 75% of the reason for it was my ex. I've lost all self-confidence but for the past few months I've been making progress in regaining it (before that, everything I've tried failed).

Anyhow, at the beginning (after the realization has set in when she didn't read or reply to my message [in count 3 - I didn't bug her after I realized she wouldn't talk to me] for a month) I've stopped praying to God after 2.5 years, I stopped drinking my favorite drink, tea, and swapped to water, lost 10kg in 6 months while slaving away in front of my computer and went to sleep wanting to snap my own neck. And 75% of reason was her (other shitty things have happened, buf if not for that, I would have endured).

I often imagined how much fun she's having with her other friends or maybe another guy. Now I understand that we can never be friends, even if I find another love, my past and my ego will haunt me.

I really loved her. She was my best friend and ever since our breakup she hardly cares, she's been like a toxic friend, because colleagues are generally more responsive and more open to you. And the breakup was because she's a dismissive avoidant person and couldn't handle opening up to me anymore, I know she was telling the truth about it, but it makes you wonder why she couldn't at least be good friends after. Welp.

Hopefully your post will help someone.

iluvreddit · 2022-01-07T22:52:05+00:00

Yeah, just don't do it if you are in love with her. Don't even contemplate it.

ExpensiveCheapStuff · 2022-01-08T01:50:04+00:00

You just explained current situation… I hate that you are so right

Geodude07 · 2022-01-08T00:42:23+00:00

"You said you were okay with just being friends"

Is incredibly loaded and selfish. For some it because they miss being given all your attention and did enjoy someone supporting them no matter what. They viewed you as 'family' in the toxic sense that they expect you to give and never get anything back.

That or they say it because they want to believe they are not the reason the connection is dying. They don't want to admit they are treating you poorly and that their need to 'keep' you around stems from a desire to be able to fall back on your freely given affection until you are replaced.

Once in a while there is a way it works, but anyone suggesting you need to do it is full of shit or benefits from exploiting the turbulent emotions you go through in a breakup.

RPslimjim · 2022-01-08T01:43:40+00:00

If you aren’t her boyfriend, you’re her girlfriend.

Don’t date girls and be friends afterwards. Cut off all contact.

Renshato · 2022-01-08T01:35:43+00:00

 d888P d8b d8888P:::P d:::888b::::::P

d:::dP8888b:d8P d:::dP 88b Yb .d8888b. d::::P 88Yb Yb .P::::::Y8b 8:::8 88Yb YbP:::: :::b 8:::P 888 8!:::::::::::b 8:dP 88 Yb d!!!::::::::::8 8P ..88 Yb8!!!::::::::::P .d8:::::Yb d888VKb:!:!::!:8 d:::::: ::dP:::::::::b!!!!8 8!!::::::::P::::::::::::b!8P 8:!!::::::d::::::: ::::::b 8:!:::::::8!::::::: ::::8 8:!!!:::::8!:::::::::::::8 Yb:!!:::::8!!::::::::::::8 8b:!!!:!!8!!!:!:::::!!:dP `8b:!!!:Yb!!!!:::::!d88 """ Y88!!!!!!!d8P """""""

Radan155 · 2022-01-08T06:21:14+00:00

I'm sorry it's gone so poorly for you, that sounds tough.

I know for a fact that you can be friends with an ex, just not every ex.

Zenkenzo · 2022-01-07T22:24:18+00:00

Shit bro… that hit deep… honestly therapy would’ve been great for me personally. Especially early on, would’ve made a big difference in emotional progress

shinymusic · 2022-01-08T00:05:25+00:00

STOP JUSTIFYING HER EGO. YOU KNOW IN YOUR HEART THIS IS WRONG!! STOP IT!!

Easier said than done though. My heart goes out to you man. In the same boat.

SpeakerFamous · 2022-01-07T22:17:47+00:00

Im not actually a big fan of these labels and nomenclatures but frankly abundance mentality helps a lot here. I've made some good friends out of hookups and dates that went no where. Actual, good friends.

Im not saying you need to be friends with every failed relationship, but it's worth considering, especially for the less serious relationships (one date/meetup)

Spinuchi · 2022-01-08T00:44:27+00:00

Fuck this is hitting right now.. She is the one who said she missed me after a week and wanted to hangout. We did and were all over eachother simce then its been me initiating. Ive tried sending flirty texts and sometimes she reaponds with a "lol oh ya?" Hours later.. She said she didnt want to stay friends but i have been put in the friend zone.

Went on a date lastnight with someone new amd it was horrible. I called her after and we talked for hours.. Sent her a text today and nothing..

Got another date tommorow I m just gonna cut her off from here

beast_brain · 2022-01-08T01:10:16+00:00

Damn sounds like your going through hard time. Meditation + time will heal you. I remember once I was heartbroken and talked to a friend who is a girl, she said "there's millions of girls" that was 10 years ago but to this day I still remind myself of her comment when things aren't working out with new girl. Also, when another 'dream girl' comes along you definitely forget about the old one your were fixated on.. it's simple dopamine, need novelty.

ExcitingEnergy3 · 2022-01-08T02:09:04+00:00

Sorry, but being friends with your ex, in general, isn't a good idea.

titanicx · 2022-01-08T04:02:28+00:00

That or you'll fuck now and then and still chill.

2022-01-08T04:42:56+00:00

This shit is poetry

Lord_Augastus · 2022-01-08T05:25:23+00:00

Sometimes, just saying, friendship is all thats left in a relationship. Like the love, the lust, the desire for the other person just dies, and it happens platonically too. So becoming friends with the ex is easier after a long relationship. Where there has been years investment into the other person and cutting them out of the life isnt easy and you still have positive emotions towards them. There is a period of adjustment, but relationships that do transition into friendships are usually those that the relationship has become just existing so transition isnt that jarring.

sugar1plum · 2022-01-08T06:00:35+00:00

No friends with exes. Not unless a serious amount of time has gone by or you were never in love to begin with

feing8 · 2022-01-08T00:04:01+00:00

Lol. Are you living in my brain? This is exactly how I am feeling currently lol

singhstaaa · 2022-01-08T00:24:42+00:00

That's painfully accurate. Looks like you have gone through the whole spectrum from being strangers to friends to lovers and then slowly going in reverse, decaying.

Virtual-Nose7495 · 2022-01-08T01:18:36+00:00

Move on. Show that your life is better without your ex. You're progressing in life, making new connections, learning new skills. Don't grovel over their social media. Let yours shine by having others flirt with you in the comments. Then they'll know what they've missed by staying friends.

Rivendesu12 · 2022-01-07T14:37:43+00:00

I think it’s really sad that men falls on this trap. It’s a situation that never should happen. Men have the prize, I don’t see why would you stay as a friend of someone you want for something more, when you can just focus on build your own value and have all the girls you want. It’s that simple. Only thing women have it’s beauty, if a man chase for the same external thing to bring value to his life then his going to kill his internal game, and that boys, it’s game over. Even if you actually want her that much, it’s the worse strategy, since why would she be interested in you when you don’t have your value as a man anymore? If you don’t focus on the purpose and building the value because you are distracted chasing the same girl then there’s nothing attractive in you anymore for her to care.

SnooShortcuts9282 · 2022-01-08T03:54:10+00:00

Imo, the only way to truly become friends with an ex again is after a period of time apart and living completely separate lives and then if you talk again it must be with boundaries.

Candle_Playful · 2022-01-08T01:42:40+00:00

I definitely don't believe in exes being friends, talk about distraction / repulsion (depending on who they are)

My bf is lucky I didn't have kids with any of my exes so he doesn't have to see them

But he's still a little fresh when I voice that I couldn't care less about his ex wife (probably hurt that she's his kids mother but I don't care, ex is ex, and I'm pregnant so I MEGA dgaf)

All relationships suck when they don't work out, but it helps to put them in a box and dislike they're guts for their lack of maturity in my opinion!

mesh3aref · 2022-01-08T08:37:18+00:00

i can relate. my ex of two years and long time friend ended things. we are both still in each others lives and we share a lot of mutual friends. thought i want to fix things she doesn’t. what is your advice please ?

ZaneAhren · 2022-01-08T09:18:14+00:00

u a whole poet this is beautiful

UniqueFarm · 2022-01-07T23:22:10+00:00

I am still friend with an ex. We stopped talking for a few months before talking frequently again. It can happen that for 1 month or 2 that we don't talk but we are happy to know what the other is doing. He is the one I call when I feel very sad (cause he knows everything about my complicated life and he really helped me to accept some things). But oh God I am so happy we are not dating anymore cause damn, I can't stand very specific things about him and whenever he does those things and it annoys me (while it didn't really bothered me before), it just reminds me that I evolved, changed, grew, that I am a different person .. and I am really happy about that.

We have a good relation. Just that when he acts a certain way, I realise that this is something I don't like about a boyfriend but I can accept as a friend.

Edit: I think it worked out cause we took a break during the dating period and the friendship period. He had his life, I had mine. We were barely taling at this time. A few texts every other months but no real conversations. Then it started again, we went on vacation together... I am absolutely not attracted to him anymore

Roldez2893 · 2022-01-07T23:54:42+00:00

This hit hard, my name is Roland and something similar happened to me.

ShredableSending · 2022-01-07T23:19:35+00:00

Damn. You really writing some poetry out here.

NDC03 · 2022-01-07T23:31:23+00:00

Dude. I'm sorry for you.

But some relationships do whither out collaterally... and then it's business as usual.

Possibility-Puzzled · 2022-01-08T00:07:26+00:00

Move on my brother. I know each and every bit of it

blue_barracuda · 2022-01-08T00:21:44+00:00

dawg.

Alive-Doughnut2345 · 2022-01-08T01:13:14+00:00

Timing for this was perfect although we only went on a couple of dates. (I’ve known her for a while though)

I’m madly in love with her. I would love her with all my heart if only she’d let me. She means the world to me. But I don’t know if I can continue with this if she doesn’t feel the same

MA_CA_NV_CA · 2022-01-08T01:54:21+00:00

Facts. I had to learn this the hard way. Probably everyone does. It’s a mental prison.

Sad_Raisin2015 · 2022-01-08T01:56:21+00:00

ANYTHING BUT ROLAND. THE FUCKING AGONY

Extra-Boysenberry · 2022-01-08T02:18:05+00:00

Being friends with my high school sweetheart was possibly the worst thing I've ever done. I still love her god damn it. It was puppy love, but I still think of her way more than I should. I've dated other girls since, but it still never altered my feelings towards a lost love. It's been 3 years since we were together.

viperex · 2022-01-08T04:16:23+00:00

You can tell this is coming from a place of experience

brokenhbutnotbroken · 2022-01-08T04:29:01+00:00

It’s like Pet Semetary.

Fascistlucky · 2022-01-08T04:29:48+00:00

You try to focus on yourself but it doesn't go away. Nothing helps. Its hell.

I just got broken up with a week ago and we attempted to stay friends. This post could not have hit closer to home. I find myself constantly craving validation from other female friends in my life but avoid doing so due to the long-term loss of potentially getting with them.

I'm taking 18 credits at University and this is not what I need. But things'l turn around. I just don't know if it would be faster to find someone else to court or just fall in love with improving myself (which will take much longer and has a higher risk of failure).

slaybrownbeast · 2022-01-08T05:30:01+00:00

Well guess what, I have never been able to get a relationship. Noone except my parents wants anything to do with me. This pain and trouble you have is an extremely privileged one. I cant wait to bump up my approach number to 1000 and see if a relationship would occur and would like to feel such kind of heartbreak and distress.

youni89 · 2022-01-08T05:43:17+00:00

Does it happen the other way around too, like the girl sing all of that and the boy being indifferent?

alexandhisworld · 2022-01-08T06:41:28+00:00

Oh cringe

UnSegundoPorfa · 2022-01-08T06:56:34+00:00

This is going to happen to me and my wife

Global-Bridge-6787 · 2022-01-08T07:36:49+00:00

That sent a chill through my soul. As an actor, I felt every word of the pain in that and I hope you can find peace, man.

stanthemilkman88 · 2022-01-08T07:51:47+00:00

The whole let's be friends thing is to make her not feel bad for dunning your ass.

I think the best thing to do is just cut contact. Stop torturing yourself. Go find someone else.

NouBady · 2022-01-08T07:52:27+00:00

I agree with that. In my case we were additionaly roomates so it was more fuck up. When she walk around me without saying hello, or she won't talk to me for week... It was hell on earth. I moved as fast as I could. Hope that she might text to me one that so I could ignore her :)

ihs28 · 2022-01-08T10:08:19+00:00

Like the lengendary Ted Lasso once said "It's the hope that kills you"

fulgurdeus · 2022-01-08T10:10:29+00:00

Alright homie, u didnt have to shoot me in the knees.. 26 times each.

I spent abt 8 months of 2021 just crying for my ex, tried to take my life a few times and just overall mega depression.

Now i m doing good as in, she fucked me over a couple of months ago and now i moved on from her the same way i moved on from my other exs, she still comes to my mind from time to time and I cry sometimes, I really wish i could turn back time but i know i cant.. so i try to focus on working on myself, slowly but surely, i ve been retaking the old things i enjoyed doing that i couldnt stomach while i was depressed from the breakup.

And some new things too so thats great.

Havent been able to pursue school in over a year now tho, its gonna take me a while, never liked school to begin with and i rather focus on working out and just being a better version of myself, gain back the confidence i had before even thinking of pursuing a career, i m just exploring hobbies and doing a bunch of shit while I work on the side to keep living.

But yeah, this story u have here hits VERY close to home

EasilyDistractedTim · 2022-01-08T11:10:30+00:00

My best friend of 10 years, the person I share everything with and who shares with me when she's having good or bad news, when her bf has done something that made her happy or angry, or will pick up the phone past midnight when I had a date gone wrong, is my ex.
We had a time of about 2 years when both of us just took care of their own lifes, then we just started meeting for having like a coffe and snacks, keep each other updated, bitch about our lifes..and because we had shared a lot more before, there was a lot of trust..
Sometimes old feelings come up again..but I get to talk about that with her as well and that helped a lot in building a platonic relationship I wouldn't want to loose.

Zubi_Q · 2022-01-08T11:39:30+00:00

And this is why I broke it off completely with my last gf. She wanted to stay friends but it made me very uncomfortable when she wanted to maintain the relationship in messages and meeting up regularly 😅

Old-McDee-72 · 2022-01-08T12:40:30+00:00

Well…time to learn how to be an individual again, instead of half of a couple.

Title	If you get dumped and stay friends with your ex after the breakup, this is what will happen. [recovered]
Author	Selecto_ [recovered]
Upvotes	574
Comments	106
Date	January 7, 2022 2:23 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/ry8ibv/if_you_get_dumped_and_stay_friends_with_your_ex/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/if-you-get-dumped-and-stay-friends-with-your-ex.1269508 https://theredarchive.com/post/1269508

Comments