Ever run into "nice girls"?

shittingduckful · 2015-07-12T19:16:09+00:00

If she's a nice girl, actually nice, who doesn't do things for you just because she wants you to like her. Then you shouldn't try to change her. It's hard to find a nice girl.

musitard · 2015-07-12T19:22:09+00:00

You should just be the person you want to be. You both should be role models for each other.

Any sort of "advice" you have for her is going to be taken as criticism. She's not going to like it and it's going to cause her to close off from you.

Any solid relationship starts with acceptance. If you can't accept the way she is, if you can't live with what she is now, then leave. Only when you are present in the moment and in full acceptance of the world around you, are you at peace. If you can't be at peace in your relationship, then why are you in it?

The most important questions to ask yourself is: Do I accept her the way she is now?

Once you are in full acceptance of each other, then you have a solid foundation for growth and that's when change happens.

If you really want change, create goals and work as a team toward those goals. Don't shove self-help books in her face. Arouse a common desire for your team. What do the both of you want to win at?

If you get her wanting to win, she will find the self-help books on her own. She will do everything she can to win. She will surprise you at how good she is at winning. She may even win a better boyfriend. But you will probably win a better girlfriend too.

helenseberry1 · 2015-07-12T18:57:53+00:00

Could someone explain what exactly you mean, by 'nice girl'? I haven't been on this sub for too long, and it sounds like something I oughtta know! Thanks!

immrtlsaij · 2015-07-12T21:24:33+00:00

she'll change when her heart gets broken and it's not a goal. let her be nice.

cowsbelikemoo · 2015-07-12T22:14:11+00:00

I honestly wish I could change the title to "beta" now. "Nice guy" is such a misleading term. Yes, being nice is good, but being beta is not.

uberrogo · 2015-07-13T02:15:07+00:00

You shouldnt be getting into a relationship to change the other person.

recyclablebantha · 2015-07-13T00:48:30+00:00

I got into a relationship with a girl who is exhibiting all the characteristics of a "nice guy" that I've been learning NOT to do.

She can be kind of a doormat. Doesn't challenge me. Can take everything very seriously and because of it, doesn't always know how to have fun.....

Well, not all the characteristics of a "nice guy."

A lack of real confidence?
Does she play the martyr, rather than asking for what she wants?
Insecurity?

Those things crop up a LOT in your garden variety "nice guy."

Regardless of whether I stay with her or not, I'd love to talk to her about it, but I'm not sure how without offending her. I know when I was in the "nice guy" state it wasn't an easy pill to swallow.....

Really what you are talking about here are two things:

This girl's life lesson.

Her life's path, like all of ours, involve a lesson that she has to keep learning until she's done with it. In this case, her "niceness." Could be that she was attracted to you precisely because you had some qualities that she doesn't have, but wants. Could be that she's ready to process her lesson, actually learn it, and move on. Or maybe not.

Relationship communication: she has difficulty communicating in a way that you fully "get".

She should be clear to avoid confusion and to get what she wants, but she apparently expects you to be a mind reader or more fully tuned in to her, than you are. If you want to talk to her about this, it's obviously going to be tricky. But if you use the language of Conflict Resolution, it may be possible.

In Conflict Resolution, the phrasing is VERY important, because you're dealing with emotional issues and if you want to have a logical conversation about it, you have to do everything possible to avoid triggering an emotional response in the other person. With that in mind:

You'd want to frame everything from the standpoint of how it affects YOU and how it makes YOU feel.
Avoid usage of the pronoun, "you," whenever possible.
Usage of the passive voice is helpful. ("It has been fixed", rather than "he fixed it.") This confines a comment to discussion of the action, not the person. Which is easier to focus on logically.

Bad example: "You really need to express yourself directly instead of being passive."

Good example: "I feel a little confused about what you want when I don't get a direct request."

Bad example: "You need to stop being a doormat."

Good example: "I don't feel comfortable when I feel like I am not being made aware of your state or your desires."

Note: this kind of communication is f--king hard, in the moment. You need to stop and think everything through before you let it out of your mouth, because our default is to use easier phrasings that would actually activate peoples' emotions.

colmmaxwell · 2015-07-13T04:15:57+00:00

in contrast to most answers here, I don't find those characteristics in anyone attractive. I hate being the only one in the relationship with a voice. I am looking for a strong life partner, not a servant. I need someone who stands up to both me and others. I need someone confident in who they are. I need someone who's blazing their own trail. I need someone who's going to inspire me and occasionally lead the way.

That's me, though.

ibonedurwife · 2015-07-12T19:46:25+00:00

I think that means she genuinely likes you.. is this someone your just hooking up with regularly or someone you wanna have a relationship with?

ohheyyouagain · 2015-07-12T20:18:01+00:00

Just talk to her and be honest, try that one out. Everyone at some point was "nice" until they got fucked around or fucked over. Guys and girls alike. So try an honest approach if she is what you want.

otitso · 2015-07-13T00:57:30+00:00

I was in a very similar situation as you are, so I understand where you're coming from. I have been dating this girl for almost a year now, and she used to be like the "nice girl" you're describing. She was very submissive and got thrown around by people. The source of her "niceness" is from her lack of self confidence, as some people have already mentioned here.

Honestly, she needs two things from you: patience and encouragement. Don't try to force her to do the things that you want her to do, only suggest them. For example, when I would go to the gym, I would ask her if she would like to come with me. At first she was hesistant, but after awhile she wanted to come with me and even bought herself a workout clothes when we went out shopping. And if you see any improvements, let her know that she's doing great and tell her you see so much potential in her.

You've mentioned that you wanted to talk to her about the issue. The best way, in my opinion, is to be just straight up and tell her that you think she is being taken advantage of other people by being too submissive, and tell her that you don't want her to be thrown around. It might be a harsh truth to her, but it is necessary. After awhile, you'll notice that she's not so "nice" anymore, and she speaks her mind.

bl1y · 2015-07-13T12:43:04+00:00

How can I get her to understand these concepts that the seddit community has been addressing for years?

Are you trying to fix her? Because it sounds like you're trying to fix her. And if so, you've already lost.

You can help someone who wants to change, but you can't make someone want to change, that has to come from within.

aj240 · 2015-07-12T20:59:35+00:00

Maybe she is just a nice person? Even if she is being extra nice, isn't that normal when someone likes somebody? Nothing wrong with that. I don't feel this situation is specifically the "nice guy" situation. I guess you could mention that there is no gaurantee that you'll be stay with her becuase of her niceness. But, I don't see how you could do this wihtout it seeming like you are attacking her personally. Dunno, tough situation.

doctordaedalus · 2015-07-12T22:14:32+00:00

What exactly is it about her being a "nice girl" that you think needs addressing? I mean, once the relationship has begun, the exception to the rule has been proven. If you're wanting her to be more aggressive in bed, or more assertive about her needs, then tell her so, and tell her it will turn you on, and ask her if you can show her what you mean. Walk her through it. If it's not about either of those things, I say just go with the flow.

Wecanbefriendsnow · 2015-07-12T22:22:19+00:00

Everyone is saying it's okay and I mostly agree.

I dated a nice girl for four years. She exhibited the traits you are talking about. Nice to everyone, always willing to help and would bend over backwards for anyone.

For the most part things were great. Where it broke down was communication. She was never honest about her feelings to me. This caused major problems when instead of saying "Yeah I don't like that", she would curl up into a ball and shut off the world. It took me a long time to work out what she was doing.

If you see your girl's actions as true and communication channels are open I'd say go for it.

djporkchop · 2015-07-12T22:45:31+00:00

There is no such thing as "the right direction"

BUVYX · 2015-07-12T22:50:07+00:00

I believe there is no such thing as a nice girl. A girl can act nice, no doubts about it, but saying that she is one is more than anything an idealization of who you want her to be.

People -men and women- have flaws. Girls have to balance their desire of love, their values and hopes, and their biological desires to live a fulfilling life when it comes to relationships. All of them are like this, and all of them make mistakes.

You may find something about her that's gonna make you rethink the nice girl thing. That label is some romantic-comedy bullshit.

Kirillb85 · 2015-07-13T00:43:26+00:00

Nice guy isn't a bad thing. I think some misunderstand the definition of what a nice guy is in seduction world. A nice guy is someone who behaves nice in order to win affection, it's not genuine.

Okonkwo69 · 2015-07-13T00:56:39+00:00

what material did u read for being alpha rather than beta?

eacrataes · 2015-07-13T01:17:09+00:00

I am dating one of those. I pressured her to read "no more Mr nice guy" just like I did before I met her. Really opened up her eyes.

ocantu1987 · 2015-07-13T01:51:44+00:00

I got to read "No more mr nice guy" its in my kindle library waiting for me, some guys have said its eye opening/life changing.

GeoffreyDaGiraffe · 2015-07-13T05:08:26+00:00

Just because you see some of yourself in her doesn't mean she has the same issues you had.

sakurafice · 2015-07-13T06:21:57+00:00

Act like you usually do - if she's around some aspects of your "alpha" (or whatever) personality will rub off on her.

By being around you, she'll see the advantages of being assertive and she may ask you questions like "how do you always get your way?" etc etc. Then you can answer honestly, and she'll learn

Leave her better off than when you found her. This is one way to do it.

machinesmith · 2015-07-13T17:17:14+00:00

I'm a little lost, is being a nice guy a bad thing? I'm genuinely curious because I'm one myself - And yes I get you're (probably) a good person but what did you go about changing about the super nice you ?

Bigbighero99 · 2015-07-14T00:20:41+00:00

Hey I created an account just to post in this thread..op, I'm just as conflicted as you are. I've been seeing my super 'nice' girlfriend for about 4 months. She's genuine with no agenda and really cares for me. I came to a realization that I decide most of our dates and activities and she never shares her opinion about things she cares about and defers to me. I usually keep things light hearted and joking around alot. Once I decided to keep our conversations neutral we could sit in silence. I don't mind silence but I feel like I need a confidant or someone to shoot the shit with. I find myself thinking of things to talk about just to hear her contribute a bit We have some differences which is fine but I don't think I should be the only one initiating conversation..

kuja900 · 2015-07-16T01:14:09+00:00

Most of the nice girls I meet seem to be lesbians unfortunately.

horoblast · 2015-07-12T20:43:42+00:00

Why would you hate dating someone who " is exhibiting all the characteristics of a "nice guy"" ?

BlazeBroker · 2015-07-13T00:29:37+00:00

I don't understand why you think the rules for men apply to women in this regard.

TcH3rNo · 2015-07-12T19:07:09+00:00

I don't understand your question. She's a girl. She can get away with anything

lordBobbo · 2015-07-12T18:18:50+00:00

Think rhetorics.

I would start by building some trustworthiness. Talk about how her behaviour reminds you of your own, and hopefully how you are part of this community, in order to give you some legitimacy. The latter is optional, of course. Just my 2 cents

locotx · 2015-07-12T19:25:30+00:00

Not sure why you aren't happy with a nice girl (ya hypocrite) Smile But know this, you can teach a nice girl to be a bad girl . . but you cannot go from a bad girl to a nice girl . . .What exactly is the problem?

DaygameCoach · 2015-07-12T19:59:42+00:00

You haven't given much detail so I have to make some assumptions. BUT, if she is doing anything actually harmful to herself, it's a different story. Here goes:

She is not a man. She is a woman. Do you want to date a woman who acts like a man with you? You are SUPPOSED to be leading, not her...let her be feminine. For a relationship, men want a nice girl.

M3_Drifter · 2015-07-12T23:01:43+00:00

Yes. Fine online-dating pictures. But her behaviour was suspicious. Turns out she was fat. The best advice I have is to tell her "when you do X it makes me feel Y. If you could do Z instead, it would be much better." - or something like that.

Title	Ever run into "nice girls"?
Author	cowsbelikemoo
Upvotes	157
Comments	109
Date	July 12, 2015 6:01 PM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/3d185k/ever_run_into_nice_girls/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/ever-run-into-nice-girls.1390949 https://theredarchive.com/post/1390949

Comments

This girl's life lesson.

Relationship communication: she has difficulty communicating in a way that you fully "get".