It’s story as old as time: Boy meets girl. Girl and boy fall in love. Boy and girl are married for 30 years. Off-and-on SAHM gets a new job. Starts off calling on lunch breaks to chat, joke and laugh. Enjoying new job. Two months in, girl is secretive with phone, starts being untruthful about where she is, stops sharing her schedule, new clothes, loses weight, buys a bunch of underwear boy looks forward to seeing but never does, starts treating boy like 100% garbage for breathing.

At first, utter denial. She couldn’t possibly do this. Never. Even when you see the messages on her phone and she says that they’re just jokes. Of course. And you’re told how she’s never been able to be her own person and needs space, loves you and always will, says she’s always been supported, but doesn’t want to be married any more so she can live her life.

But I can fix this. I’ll just try harder. Everything was great, like, two months ago. This nightmare isn’t happening. And when you give a few close friends the outline of what’s going on they tell you exactly what’s happening. But they can’t possibly be right. Again, she’d never do that.

I had to write this down early on so I didn’t forget:

No matter what you’re told: - Is there a decision she ever made that you didn’t support? - Is there a time that you didn’t allow her to be herself? - Is there a situation where you didn’t do what you could to accommodate what she wanted or needed to do? - Did you ever give her an ultimatum, ever? - Did you ever abuse her? - Did you not tell her every day that you loved her? That she was beautiful, no matter what her shape, size, state of her hair, makeup? Our pet saying when she left for work every day: “Bye, pretty! Don’t talk to any men, ok? Lol” - Did you not tell her often that she was your ideal? - Did you not tell her often how much you appreciated her? - Did you ever tell her that she wasn’t capable, or she was anything less than outstanding? - Did you ever treat her like she was beneath you? - Did you not give her every opportunity to explore anything she wanted to do in her life? - This is not on you. This is not your fault.

I cooked. Shared cleaning and house duties. Supported the family financially without fail. I’m sure I’m not perfect, but damn, I’m pretty good.

A great saying I ran across recently, probably mangling it: “You can’t make someone care about you by giving them more of what they already don’t appreciate”.

No steps being made to move on. Just two roommates in the house with our grown young adult who has no clue. Just knows that dad is sleeping in the office. It breaks my heart that they’re going to know at some point that we’re splitting up.

The stages of grief are real, but what no one but your therapist will tell you is they aren’t things you go through and then you’re done; you go through one, into another, back to the other one, and sometimes they hit you all at once from every direction.

If you’re lucky, you get a few days to a week of the “f-it” stage, which I don’t think has been officially recognized by the mental health community. It’s like a vacation. But don’t get cocky and count on it being that way for too long, because sometimes “all at once from every direction” might be just around the corner.

If you’re going through this, I sincerely feel for you. I haven’t seen my way out of it yet. I’ve read enough posts here to come up with a roadmap. If I can help with support, DM me. You aren’t alone.

The gym is invaluable. I started off going and telling the consult trainer what my goals were and that I could commit maybe 3 days a week. It’s been 5 a week, and the results are showing up. Great for your self esteem and gives you something to focus on. If you can, get a trainer or friend to show you the right way to work out and so you have someone to hold you accountable to get up and go. My trainer is the sweetest sadist I’ve ever met, and I thank him for it.

Talk to a good lawyer. Even if you’re not quite there yet. They’ll help you understand what the future looks like, one way or the other. Complete uncertainty after having your world obliterated is one more bit of stress that you don’t need.

Think you should get drunk? Nope. Alcohol is a depressant and that’s the last thing you need. And, as the Drive By Truckers sang, “It don’t make you do a thing, it just lets you”. If your emotions are already on the surface, booze will hinder your self-control and your ability to be the best person while going though a terrible situation that you, at least initially, have no control over.

If you’ve got close friends and family, lean on them if you can. They don’t have to know the gory details, but sometimes it helps just to have someone to listen and distract you.

Everyone says I’m handling this well. I feel like a basket case.

End ramble/vent. I may take this down at some point, but I hope this helps someone else to know they aren’t alone.