I exist

Happy-Perception-823 · 2024-05-20T11:58:48+00:00

Trust me I've been where your at. You can all get through this just one day at a time. Brighter days are here to come...your at rock bottom now the only way is up!!

Competitive-Donut790 · 2024-05-19T20:49:07+00:00

Man.

I'm working through the same process as all of are, it seems.

Things that are helping me

counseling - move on and find one who understands you and where you're coming from. Develop the necessary professional relationships YOU need.
groups - I'm able to talk with several people who have been through the same hell and made it out ok. These are in-person friends and online groups. Some are men-only, some are men and women and there's value in both. I jeep em all separate and have variable interaction as needed.
I have been listening to podcasts from professionals about how to deal with various parts of this journey but what was most helpful are teh ones about covert narcissism (my STBX) and trauma responses (mine and hers). Dr Ramani and Surviving Narcissism channels on YouTube are excellent. They helped me understand me my upbringing, HER upbringing, our situation and make peace with the fact that I didn't have the marriage I thought I had

TBH things were way worse than I realized for a lot longer than I was willing to admit even to myself.

I'm taking the time to journal. I've ALWAYS hated journaling and I'm not the best at it, but I'm working at being consistent. It's been interesting
be consistent with my kids they need me and i need them.
be consistent with my exercise and quiet time -- and refuse to fall into the trap of feeling guilty if I miss a day or 5. Learning to give myself the grace I need and being ok with starting over tomorrow.

dirtyweston · 2024-05-18T23:50:55+00:00

Dude, I am in the same boat. I'm in the first week of this whole process and I am where you are: low energy, low interest, barely moving one step at a time.

I don't have a miracle solution, but I've found focusing on becoming a better me is helping out. Also, reading Meditations by Marcus Aurelius has been giving me some comfort.

Hang in there. I'm right next to you in your journey

roshi-roshi · 2024-05-18T21:34:04+00:00

OP-I could have written this same post. I also feel like I simply exist…with healthy doses of hopelessness and despair. I am suicidal, but will not do anything because of my children. All I have is this very small notion that maybe one day I will feel better.

I’m with you man. I cannot give up on possible reconciliation, but my wife wants no communication except texts about kid stuff. She has treated me like shut through this whole process, yet I still want to be with her.

Your last point really hits home. I make hardly any money and am in my late 40s. Mortality looms large. I literally feel like my life is over. I just have this feeling I’m going to end up in some shitty nursing home and that will be it. It’s unbearable.

No_Nature_5979 · 2024-05-18T16:43:20+00:00

Back in 2006 when I went through my shit show of murdered relationship I felt the same way. It takes time and patience. Never let the negative thoughts get too common. I know it’s hard but get yourself moving, get active. I started listening to foreign music with good beats. I didn’t understand what they were singing, but it kept my negative thoughts at bay. Listening to the radio and hearing a love song would send me through a depressive spiral,hence the foreign music . Hang in there, you will get through this.

kitterkatty · 2024-05-18T15:11:26+00:00

My gosh dude. Live for yourself. In the most noble sense. You and nature. Like don’t be an ass but stop giving to anything but yourself. And of course, the kids you created you have an obligation to them. But of course you’re a whole person on your own.

Ark161 · 2024-05-18T02:35:19+00:00

Hang in there friend. I know this is going to sound incredibly fucked up, but sometimes it is just an endurance run….just survive. I’m not going to tell you it gets better because I cycle through all the stages of grief multiple times a day; it is miserable. Though I can tell you this, you do exist, and that is worth something. You are hurting and part of your life has been ripped from you. Even small things help. I haven’t touched my computer or consoles in a month from depression. Sometimes just doing the thing a little bit helps get you back into it. If anything, after a few tries. It will at least, just maybe, help get your mind off of it

Twilightnico · 2024-05-18T02:29:56+00:00

Every goodbye leads to a new hello.

CaliDude75 · 2024-05-17T22:16:33+00:00

It gets better. Full disclosure, I don’t have kids. I petitioned for the divorce. When I moved out & away, I made a concerted effort to get involved in activities, get on the dating apps (for better or for worse), and just generally try to stay busy.

It got to the point where things got a little chaotic, and I actually had to start saying “no” to some activities.

I’ve met someone special. We’ve been going out for a few months. I don’t know if she’s “the one” (being divorced, I’m kind of over that notion anyways. 🤷🏻‍♂️😆)

I’m pretty content where I’ve ended up two years later. Not perfect, but not bad. Hang in there. 🙂

PigletGreedy2195 · 2024-05-17T21:04:25+00:00

Sorry you are so depressed. You can get out of it. It’s hard and some men don’t make it. Don’t be a statistic. Fight for your kids and move on

RedFridged · 2024-05-17T19:32:39+00:00

When the dust settles and it’s all over…you’ll see the light. It’ll be ok. If you believe in something greater than yourself…then this was all pre planned for some reason that will reveal itself in time. Hang tough.

Funny-Gopher-3381 · 2024-05-17T15:11:41+00:00

I bought an exercise bike. I never wanted to ride it. But things would get so bad that I couldn't function. I crawled on that bike most times. 30 min/day really helped.

Docs consistently say exercise is a great way to defeat depression. But it's a catch 22. Depression is a disincentive to exercise. The hardest step is just getting on the bike. It's all good after that.

Adjust for your favorite style cardio.

Joocewayne · 2024-05-17T14:38:34+00:00

This sounds like a lot of the clinical descriptions of depression. It sucks. Been there. What you are going through is one of the hardest things a man can experience so it is actually an appropriate response.

There’s nothing wrong with experiencing this as long as you don’t stay there for perpetuity. It isn’t normal to expect yourself to be unscathed by divorce and as able to be happy and productive as ever.

Take it easy on yourself and give yourself some slack. I barely functioned beyond going to work at some points. Be kind to yourself and don’t get more depressed over literally experiencing the appropriate emotional response. It will be anxiety and sadness for a while. It gets better though!

A huge positive will be that once you’ve gone through it, it’s often easier to cultivate positivity on your own… away from your ex. Even those men with most pedestalized, idealized vision of their ex wife can usually see how that works.

Cjesq · 2024-05-17T13:34:50+00:00

There’s a lot of good advice and wisdom here (except changing to a male counselor)I won’t repeat it. I’m in the same boat. I guess it comes down to 3 options. Live, die, or exist. Just existing is pretty damn close to death. Sure, we’re breathing, but the emptiness we feel seems infinite. Since we’re choosing to live, then we can also choose how we want to live. That includes the choice to be happy. Whatever that looks like for you is something you have to figure out. But there’s something. You just have to force yourself to keep going. Then you’ll find it.

The negativity we’re used to feeling and are programmed to feel by default can be changed. Once you get into the habit of forcing yourself to live, you’ll realize that you can change your default negativity. There’s no simple solution, but you’re not alone. You can best this.

DarkKn1ghtyKnight · 2024-05-17T11:01:53+00:00

I was you this time last year. Literally. Three kids - 10, 7, 3. I tried to kill myself twice, well, with the amount I was drinking, you’d think I was trying to kill myself daily. So you already have that over me.

Don’t listen to anyone that says don’t have a female counselor, it’s all bunk. My lawyer and therapist are both female.

Find a group, maybe a meditation group, maybe a specialized relationship group where you deal with grief, hell, go to one of the substance fellowships and listen to the message. Which is: Get up off your ass and start living. If you need to add a higher power, do it.

I have my third band practice Wednesday. Physically, I’ve turned myself into Thor using the program Centr (not an advertisement, but their programs are great.)

She rushed into something almost immediately, and is now going to pay for it in court and if she EVER breaks up with this guy.

You do you. I’m a Buddhist, shit happens. It’s what YOU do to rise above it that makes the difference. I don’t say this to be mean, but right now you are wallowing in that suffering. If you have to, see a psychiatrist and perhaps get a prescription for the time being, or if you are in a state with medical marijuana, I tell you from experience, that helped and still helps, and is PCP and psychiatrist approved.

This is your chance to remake yourself or realize dreams you had stuffed away. Leaning into THAT is going to be the best “revenge” you can get, because YOU are making YOURSELF happy.

NohoTwoPointOh · 2024-05-17T09:45:50+00:00

She???

That’s your first problem.

Get a male counselor who has been through the shit.

NilEntity · 2024-05-17T07:35:00+00:00

I can relate, felt similar to that right after it happened. The initial shock, definitely depression, everything. The future you thought you had, you looked forward to ... gone, never existed, never to be. That's a lot to handle.

While in the past suicide might have been "attractive" in that state, due to my daughter that was also never an option for me, never seriously crossed my mind (my father killed himself, so no way I was gonna do that to my daughter). Not enjoying old hobbies, just existing, had that too. The hobbies will come back at some point when you're in a better mental state.

Take one day at a time. Process it. Process the pain, the shock, the hurt, the sadness. Let it happen, don't ball it up and stuff it down, except maybe in front of your children. You're allowed to feel sad and they can see that, that's perfectly valid in that situation and it's emotionally healthy for them to know they're allowed to be sad, but you can't afford to fall apart in front of them, they need you.

Get some kind of therapy, if you can talk to trusted friends and family about it, it helps to unload some of what you're feeling, also just to rage sometimes, to be angry, to say out loud the things the things you are feeling.

Ideally you shouldn't rage at your STBXW, that's not gonna help in the divorce process. But also you have to get it out of your head that she's "your person", that's gone.

It's very easy to default to wanting to talk to her like you did before, but that's gone. In the best case she just doesn't love you anymore and doesn't want to deal with you and your feelings anymore, in worse cases she despises you and talking to you & about your feelings is the last thing she wants to do.

When you can somehow manage, force yourself to start doing something for your self-care, to start a positive change.
For many - also for me - that's gym, but that's just an example.
It's not even for health reasons right away, although that's a factor. For me it was just a safe and healthy place to escape to, especially during co-habitation, a better alternative than e.g., drowning myself in alcohol in some bar.

It's most likely hard to laugh, maybe try to "force" yourself to laugh, make laughing more accessible. I specifically headed to local stand-ups, something I'd never done before, I watched comedians on youtube etc. to laugh a little again, to arrest the depression downward spiral a bit.

I know platitudes and cliche advice is the last thing you want to hear right now. Just don't dismiss all of it out of hand. A lot of it, especially here, comes from experience, we've all been through that and found our ways to handle, cope, put ourselves back together.

First find ways to handle your situation, improve your mental state etc. to not "just exist", to want to do more than that.

You have children, that's an excellent reason to do more than just exist.
They deserve more than for you to just exist. They lost their family unit as well, through no fault of their own, they go through this as well, they have enough to deal with already, they need and deserve a father who helps them as best he can, so they don't feel the need to take care of you as well.

Not saying you are at fault for putting this on them - although to some degree, in some way, many of us are, in the long run it's health to do a lot of self-reflection and recognize and own your part in it, to do better in the future - but focusing more on them may help add some perspective, give you a reason to get better. Definitely helped me to get my shit together again, not fall apart any more, for my daughter.

Focusing on doing the divorce "well" can help, until it was finalized and everything legally binding that was definitely a cloud hanging over me. Once that's done, that's a big load off your mind.

FrankFranklin1971 · 2024-05-17T06:25:21+00:00

You should really get out & exercise to release that negative energy plus it will make you feel better. Do it consistently for a few weeks & it will become a habit.

Also, & this is extreme, but I mention it to people that are stuck in a rut. Go sit in a lobby of a children's hospital for about an hour. You will or at least should see how much you should be thankful & grateful for because it can always be much much worse. Those little ones would give anything to be able to go out & run around etc. Most of the parents would sacrifice themselves to cure them without hesitation.

I know this because I was in a similar situation about 10 years ago feeling down etc. Our kid then had a pretty serious medical scare that turned out to be ok after about a month but we had to make a few trips to the children's hospital. Let me say I came out of there with a completely different view on many things.

Assuming you have your health & a roof over your head & aren't about to be evicted or incarcerated try & be thankful for what you have. I'm not trying to come off as condescending or whatever but it will smack you into a different point of view.

At the minimum get out & exercise some, get the blood pumping. I'll bet you will start feeling better in a couple of weeks if you go consistently.

upvotersfortruth · 2024-05-17T01:45:20+00:00

Grief baby, lean in.

Diligent-Race9204 · 2024-05-16T23:59:14+00:00

Get healthy, Exercise, eat right ,consistent sleep patterns maybe a male one a day vitamin. I say this because it's something I'm trying myself. I know when I'm healthy I feel better and it helps me process things better. Also helps me be interested in other things. Maybe try dating again. I'm looking at an inevitable divorce myself and have considered a gf to help fill in the hole my stbx is making. It sucks the family is torn but this is the best solution I can think of for you and myself. The kids will understand.

TerribleAmbassador69 · 2024-05-16T20:48:43+00:00

Some things that have helped me. Maybe give them a try. They might or might not work for you.

I read (listened to) Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. (It’s not about speaking with violent words; it’s about connecting your feelings/emotions with your met/unmet needs. Being able to focus on the needs behind my feelings was helpful in seeking strategies to meet unmet needs.

There’s an app called Humanly that’s good for learning about this and trying to practice it.

I learned how to meditate. It’s a learning process that was very uncomfortable at first. I don’t do it more than I do do it. But when I’m in a real funk, if I spend 10 min at it I feel better.

Listening/reading stories about people/characters. Watching tv shows and movies. Listening to music like I did before meeting my ex. Those have all been life-giving for me. They help me see the ways others struggle in life. It doesn’t mean I learn how to struggle better. And it doesn’t simply mean I’m not alone. But it helps me see people can cope with stuff in different ways, and that brings me comfort.

No_Pace2396 · 2024-05-16T19:59:55+00:00

Yeah. People telling me to "go build a new life" don't realize they're telling me to go live a life that's not being a father. Go to the gym, nah. Don't care. What else? Take a fucking pottery class? I had a dog, STBX stole him, and I would wake up at night looking for him. I did get another dog and I spend most of my day working then training then going back to work. It's an endless pointless cycle, and I'm old enough to know that the end is coming, and I've seen friends and a girlfriend die, and I believe in living your life instead of existing, but I can't really move on because mom has the kids, they get to decide when to see me (she let them know that and the GAL backed her up), and so I sit in my shit apartment waiting to see if this weekend the kids will come by. Nope, suicide isn't an option because of the kids, so existence continues. I took up vaping.

Dizi357 · 2024-05-16T18:27:22+00:00

Some days you don’t have to do all the stuff that daily life requires. In the situation we’re in RE divorcing, sometimes “good enough” has to cut it for the day, because there’s just so much going on in the brain that you truly can’t give it your all.

Take care of yourself, turn on a stupid silly movie or TV show, and try to chuckle. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. If you have a backyard/patio, maybe invest in a fire pit or solo stove and just go out at night and sit by a fire.

But you’re not alone in this feeling, I myself struggle with what’s “fun” and sometimes just sit around doing nothing and sulking instead. But from experience, I can tell you that those times don’t really help me get better (the opposite actually, I also skew negative by default so it spirals down further). Like the other poster said, life goes on whether we’re ready or not, so you’ve got to do and try what you’ve got to do you can go on with life. The good news is you get to pick now, you don’t need to ask anyone else’s approval, so try stuff you’ve never even thought of or maybe something you viewed as “childish” and eventually, something will spark (a little) joy.

Thevinegru2 · 2024-05-16T17:48:36+00:00

I’m in a similar situation. I guess you have to acknowledge reality. Life is going to go on regardless of what you do. So, now what?

Title	I exist
Author	Equivalent_Rabbit_62
Upvotes	27
Comments	33
Date	May 16, 2024 4:56 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1cthoy6/i_exist/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/i-exist.1518667 https://theredarchive.com/post/1518667

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