How do you date man while knowing their depravity

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AAlegend8 · 2021-09-21T02:41:29+00:00

I want to know how to as well. I can’t reconcile what I know with voluntarily exposing myself to emotional and/or physical harm. I’m still waiting for a man who brings something positive without hurting me badly or deceiving me. Plus who can make me orgasm, and who can afford to date.

DivineGoddess1111111 · 2021-09-21T03:15:05+00:00

I'm still trying to work that out. I'm so badly traumatised from my last two NVM that I'm hyper aware of any red flags. Men aren't making it past the message stage with me and usually I can cancel them within 2 sentences. That's how quickly most of them fuck up.

TumbleweedForeign699 · 2021-09-21T07:57:31+00:00

Every time I feel like this, I try to do this:

Validate my own feelings and let myself feel what I feel
When I’m ready to move forward, remind myself that whilst a bit of anxiety about this is normal, I should heal more if I am suspicious of all men - this is not someone who is ready to date.
Do the healing - therapy, working on myself, finding out who I am am as my own person anyway, etc.
Letting go of outcomes and continue vetting

It’s really up to them to be better, not us. We aren’t dealing with fixer uppers anymore - so it may take time to find the right guy. In the meantime I occupy myself anyway bc this is my life and it’s the only one I can control.

BarbwireBoots · 2021-09-21T15:27:56+00:00

I don’t see how you young ones navigate this world. My youth (1990s) was bad enough, and that was before the internet.

If I had a time machine, I would say this to my young self, holding her still so she would listen:

Stay celibate as long as possible. Figure out why you think you’re “missing out” if not getting male attention. That right there is the ROOT ISSUE

Focus on a path that brings you joy and try to find financial independence through it.

Value quality female friendships and cultivate them.

DO NOT COHABITATE WITH A PERSON WHO IS UNSTABLE (read: moody, prone to violence, alcoholic, can’t keep a job, dramatic, shit-stirring, etc) - males, plutonic or otherwise

One strike and you’re out. First red flag - ABORT MISSION.

Drug use besides light social drinking is dangerous and bad for you.

Your empathy is a weapon that will be used against you in a heartbeat. Stop giving The benefit of the doubt

A good man is a needle in a galaxy-sized haystack. Avoiding the abusers is a full-time job if you’re going to put yourself out there. In my opinion, looking for a good man will not yield results because YOU are the one on a hunt. Even if you are reserved and wary, a man might not show his true nature until you have feelings or are hooked. That is why your own independence is key…you MUST be able to walk away if necessary. That’s a huge reason why I never had biological kids. No regrets there, at all.

I guarantee you are not missing out on anything. I want to blast a flamethrower at the abusive cretins who dragged me through untold psychological abuse because I was too damn scared to just be single. Something went very wrong in my brain to make me feel incomplete without a “partner.” Save yourself the heartache - be pickier than you think you are capable of being and wait, wait, wait.

lifesok · 2021-09-21T03:22:39+00:00

I think about the good relationships I’ve seen and the good men I’ve known. While they seem to be few and far between, I try to remember that they’re not. They’re just not in our faces. They don’t follow us, they leave us alone when asked, don’t disturb you at the gym, mind their own business in public, can read and take your ques, etc.

you have to remember that the bad experiences tend to be projected loudly while you hear less of the good ones.

Ironsculpture · 2021-09-21T06:40:20+00:00

The problem I face isn't about getting over all that I know about male nature or what I've personally experienced. A cute face and a cheery demeanor can make me temporarily forget.

Unfortunately every time there's something that instantly turns me off and reminds me of what I'm dealing with. Be it a single offhand comment about how terribly women age while we're in a group (where half the guys have started going bald and have forehead wrinkles, mind you), a racist remark, a sign of jealousy or displeasure regarding my clothing.

Quite a few men I met and had an initial interest in quickly revealed they had exceptionally extremist opinions in regards to other races and homosexual men. The things I heard one particular time did keep me uninterested in dating for a while. Strangely, all of them were friends of very nice and intelligent women.

It's always something, and because of my understanding of men it always destroys any interest I have. They're disgusting trash in my eyes, just like that, they're not possibly nice guys with faults, they're trash. Ignoring red flags isn't even a choice anymore, which is a good thing, but it seems as if a relationship is impossible.

papanezismysaviour · 2021-09-21T08:05:05+00:00

Most men are not relationship-material because they don't want to empathize with women or don't have the ability to do so. Their relationships are shallower than ours, they don't prioritize emotional connection like we do. It's a fact. You just accept that's the way it is and avoid these men as soon as you spot them.

But also, even the best HVM is going to be a man. You have to adjust your expectations that he expects to feel useful and you have to make him feel like that. He won't be one of your girlfriends you tell every sad thing and cry together, he won't do a lot of sappy things out of the bottom of his heart like your girlfriends do. He will do it because he wants to impress you and thinks making you happy is worth it, not because he prefers romance.

Japanese_Lasagna · 2021-09-21T04:35:07+00:00

There are a few good men I know platonically who give me reason to not have zero faith in men, but as far as my dating history goes, basically only NVM and LVM have sought me out, so I found myself continually disappointed. I think only once a HVM showed interest, but he didn’t feel a spark. I’ve more or less given up on considering men as a viable dating option. I haven’t had a crush on one in years, and I’ve gotten quick at filtering them out on OLD to the point that it felt like a waste of time even bothering.

rideoffalone · 2021-09-21T08:55:55+00:00

I gave up a long time ago. I can't deal with the heartbreak again.

4evaneva · 2021-09-21T14:40:09+00:00

I now have the ick for all men even ones who were ‘my type’. I’m not sure what to do about it but I don’t think I’m ready to date again. I changed a lot of my life around but I still would like to have a family. HVM just don’t grow on trees unfortunately :(

esthermaniii · 2021-09-21T16:22:24+00:00

I’m dealing with the same thing. A friend was telling me to “get back in the dating game” and honestly, I really don’t see the appeal when most men I encounter have nothing positive or amazing to offer me

Playbackfromwayback · 2021-09-21T16:47:56+00:00

Finding a man who enhances your life is really really difficult. Like, the odds are slim to none and slim left town. I’m sorry to have to report this but it is sadly my experience.

I’ve learned to enjoy a fabulous vibrator, have great girlfriends, and have my own hobbies. There is no room for a soul sucking man child who will inevitably cause me emotional harm, if not physical. I am literally one of the most successful persons in my field and have hyper focused on myself instead of focusing on caring for/emotionally supporting/financially support some guy.

They’re just not worth it. Focus on you- who are YOU and what do YOU want out of this life?

Spittens · 2021-09-21T17:18:33+00:00

I'm right here with you. I'd like to date (current plague notwithstanding) but I just can't get past all the red flags potential suitors will proudly wave in the first few seconds. I end up absolutely disgusted with them by the time they get around to asking me out, and of course I turn them down with no mercy as a result.

It's gotten to the point that when I see a guy looking for the opportunity to 'shoot his shot' I gtfo immediately.

Suspicious_Bad_5178 · 2021-09-21T16:35:02+00:00

So this is my take after therapy and months of FDS and it's not an easy one. Yes, most men suck (nOt AlL mEn lol) but I finally see that the common denominator was... me. I allowed them to treat me that way, I stayed, I had no boundaries and no self respect. It hurts and I have a hard time forgiving myself for being in those situations but the thing is: I KNEW they sucked, I had hard evidence of them sucking and zero evidence of them not-sucking.

Once you are healed (I'm on my way) and you start loving and respecting yourself, every single sign that you misread before becomes a glaring red flag. This is why this community is so important, there is a lot of information on what the bare minimum is and when to leave.

I have only been in abusive relationships and I have been rap*d by 2 different men, but had I been looking at men and relationships with FDS lens, none of them would have even had a second of my time! I would never have been in those situations.

Please note that my experiences were abuse within a relationship and this obviously doesn't apply to random men that target and attack random women.

My point is that a healed, healthy and informed woman will have a better time dating men. It's as simple as that.

Muffcakelord · 2021-09-21T10:02:00+00:00

I date men only because i hold some standards that ensures that they won't get away with hurting me. Thinking about the boiling frog anslogy i try my best to say quits the second i'm mistreated, and that makes it pretty safe considering most abusers don't get the time to get addicted to torturing you if you leave at first offence, and by first offence i mean not answering you frequently enough or looking at depraved porn or refusing you something you think is fair. There are good men, you just need to vet and take care of yourself to make sure your man isn't gonna be able to be anything but a good man to you.

Ofc there' no guarantees but i would suggest always having a comfortable and realistic plan B or escape plan. Even someone who would be willing to drive to you right away on call to beat him up if he were to turn violent, since women don't have the benefit of police services. That way it should be possible to date men and not be ruined or even hurt depending on how good care you take of yourself

hensbanex · 2021-09-21T11:38:05+00:00

I tend to think of HV men as unicorns. If I lost mine I wouldn’t hold my breath while looking for another one.

hollypocketer · 2021-09-21T21:55:48+00:00

I have been actively talking to men on OLD sites and while searching the web, I stumbled across a site called rawconfessions.

I cant unsee what I saw and I can't look at any man the same again. I started crying and figuring out if anyone can trace those posts but I guess the FBI has been watching the site.. it still doesn't help me.. I feel like every man has that sinister side to them and I just can't shake that feeling from myself.

I don't know what to do to make it go away.

cakewalkofshame · 2021-09-21T21:42:35+00:00

Lmao I can't anymore. Since being on FDS and reading The Gift of Fear, I have such a sense of danger and disgust when I contemplate getting back on online dating that I simply cannot do it.

dancedancedance7 · 2021-09-21T06:57:34+00:00

I mean... it's good to know what you're dealing with. Many men are terrible, and there are some amazing ones as well. You need to be aware of both possibilities.

Shot_Presence_8382 · 2021-09-21T18:58:44+00:00

Q: How do you date man while knowing their depravity?

A: You don't. You work on yourself as a person and grow as a woman. Succeed in your career. Build up your friendships. Go to college or take a class/earn certifications. Raise your children well. Save money. Travel. Spend time with friends and family. Adopt an animal. Eat healthier. Take care of yourself. Take up a new hobby you've wanted to try...

ANYTHING other than date or get involved with men. They are too damn volatile and dangerous to even TRY to get to know. Especially nowadays. The state of men is going down hill and it really, REALLY shows.

LIVE YOUR LIFE and enjoy it as a free woman! There's too many men in the world that squash the light and life out of women. Let yourself transcend and learn to grow and be happy and complete within yourself ✨🦋✨

windymaze · 2021-09-21T12:12:37+00:00

I am lucky to have seen my parents have a great relationship and it sat my standards super high and hearing about the dating horror stories is a good way to learn red flags to look for, I am open to dating but it became so easy to see the 🚩 so u won't waste alot of time when u find out someone is LV.

DifferentBar6 · 2021-09-23T00:24:12+00:00

I don’t date any more. You don’t have to date.

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