Growing up as a kid, were gender roles more enforced by your mom or your dad?

PM_ME_ZED_BARA · 2021-04-10T03:36:48+00:00

I am a gay man, and my father definitely pushed gender roles on me. When I was young, my father reprimanded me any time I acted feminine. I guess that worked since I don’t act feminine in my adulthood, but I am still gay.

But I can somewhat appreciate his push toward masculinity. Being forced to play various sport was helpful in the long run and pushed me toward fitness and better health. My handiwork skills are cost saving.

relish5k · 2021-04-10T04:15:07+00:00

Neither of my parents pushed me to act "like a lady" other than occasionally put me in a dress when I was little. My mom is not overtly feminine herself and very non-materialistic so I learned everything myself about hair, clothing and make-up. She wanted me to be polite and have good manners but that wasn't gendered.

However both of my parents taught inadvertently that women ought to be thin and beautiful, through my mom's consistent negative self-talk ("I'm so fat" - she wasn't she is gorgeous and has never been overweight), and my dads constant remarking on women's physical appearance, often in high correlation with their character (a woman is nice and ugly or an ugly bitch).

philomexa · 2021-04-10T03:33:31+00:00

My parents let me be and encouraged my talents, however my mother made sure I knew how to girl (everything from man management to setting rollers).

The unspoken mantra of my childhood was "You Can Do Anything." (as long as you're smart and pretty)

IcarusKiki · 2021-04-10T03:51:11+00:00

My mom was the one who gently enforced gender roles, but in a positive way, such as (sometimes unwanted) boy advice. My dad was clueless about that stuff. I think most of my gender roles were self or peer enforced.

stranglethebars · 2021-04-10T07:53:20+00:00

My mom came with the gender roles of things I had to do and would push me towards them. Like having to wear make-up and having to do the chores and having to... Arguing if I would not like something.

My dad came with the gender roles of things I couldn't do and would try to prevent me from doing these things, usually with the reason of protection. Like expecting me to get tired quickly when I'm training for a marathon. Expecting me to need help with technical stuff. Being suprised when neither is true.

. My mom would come to me for technical stuff and other "manly" things I'm good at, because her form of sexism was: why can't you be more feminine ON TOP of who you are.

My dad wouldn't expect feminine shit of me that I already expressed a dislike for. If my mom tried to chase me about make-up he'd go "leave her alone, she never liked that stuff".

Barneysparky · 2021-04-10T04:48:01+00:00

I need to preface my answer, and probably edit it a time or two.

This happened in the early 70's, and is probably why I ended up a fish in a group of male prostitutes in the early 80's. However, it all happened a couple of lifetimes ago, and my parents were stable and surprisingly happily married until death.

One of my earliest memories is laying under the dining room table and declaring to my dad that I was going to be a engineer just like him. He laughed and explained that girls can't be engineers. I think I might have given up on school in that moment. I wasn't allowed in the garage when my brothers practiced with their BB guns, or allowed to help my dad with his woodworking because I might get hurt. You can't you're a girl was something I heard all the time.

My mom on the other hand did not like me embracing my feminine side outside of piano and voice. My hair was cut short and I spent most of the time in my brothers hand me downs, Barbie's and other girls toys were not allowed, I was grounded forever when I came home from a neighbour's house with nail polish on.

So I ran away and joined a band of child prostitutes.

Today....

I am so handy. I'm not as strong as I'd like to be so I can't take on things like welding as a potential hobby but I'm a jack of all trades when it comes to being innovative, problem-solving, and design. Also a master of none, but I enjoy it and my results are passable.

I also hate the idea of wearing makeup. The almost 40 years of rebelling against my mother ended.

houstongradengineer · 2021-04-10T05:06:34+00:00

Old user returned under new name. Female. Young millennial.

Maybe my mother more enforced that "a lady doesn't chase a man, nor does a lady have sex with a bunch of different men with wild abandon." Father enforced the same, but maybe lesser. Not that my parents really tolerated promiscuousness in boys/men, either. Religious boomer parents.

My father probably more enforced that "men do the heavy lifting, open doors, and generally are supposed to romance ladies." Still, my mother backed him up. I'm guessing these were things my father did when he was in love, and he figured that his lovely daughter deserved to be treated that way. He isn't wrong, in theory. It's literally just thoughtfulness. Not like I didn't bake and giggle for my dates, and go where they ask and do what they like. We all have our parts to play. Keep in mind the religious factor of my upbringing.

You'll notice that most of these gender roles enforced were romantic in nature. There was never any "women don't belong in the boardroom" or "boys don't dance" or "girls don't play contact sports or work on cars." There was none of that. I wasn't even taught how to do hair and makeup. I was just not supposed to be a slut, which works for me. It wouldn't have been good for me anyway.

Society as a whole enforced the whole hair/makeup and dresses thing. My parents actively worked to undo the stigma against women in power positions and in STEM. Society tried to set up a more helpless role for me with NO help from my parents at all.

Worth noting that I slightly experiments as a young girl by flirting with boys. Boys responded by continuing the stigma of "approaching is not a girl's place." So I figured that one out really quickly even though it left me dateless for... a long time.

thelajestic · 2021-04-10T09:24:46+00:00

My gran (on my dad's side). My mum is very much into dressing us to be practical, so we had dungarees and trousers and boots. She doesn't do anything with her hair and rarely wears makeup so we didn't see any of that growing up. She did all the DIY and once she finished uni/phd she's worked full time. Only "traditional" role I suppose is that she does most of the housework, but she complains about it a lot since she works as much as him and always told us not to accept it in a relationship. And neither my dad/step dad ever said or did anything related to gender roles to enforce it one way or another.

Whereas when we'd go stay with my gran she'd dress us in all these frilly dresses etc. I have so many pics as a kid looking like some sort of victorian doll. She told us we had to wear dresses to be pretty, she bought us things to style our hair and makeup as we got older. Not so much with other things though - my grandpa retired young so he was always about the house too and he'd iron his own shirts and things. They mostly had an indoor/outdoor chore split though where he'd do most of the garden work (or pay me and my sister 50p an hour to do it 😅).

_mwk · 2021-04-10T09:39:53+00:00

neither of them really pushed anything on me, they pretty much let me be. my mom is a very feminine woman, and i naturally wanted to be just like her as a kid, but when i got to my teens, she did push performative femininity on me, mainly for my own good. she often told me in her own words that life is easier if you're beautiful and she's right.

just_a_place · 2021-04-10T09:52:12+00:00

My gender is male and growing up I think it was my mom who enforced "the roles" the most between me and my sisters. My dad just kinda went along with it.

It was indeed my mom who stressed the most that I should be "manly" My dad was more along the vein of "your life is your life. Do with it what you will, but if you want to do something fun and masculine just ask me," he did the same for my sisters though. Anything manly they ever wanted to learn he'd have no issue teaching them while we were at it like working on cars, fishing, and tinkering with house repairs. My two oldest sisters know how to do basic plumbing, they also know how to do home repair and they know their way around tools and a garage as well as I do and I also know my way around a kitchen, laundry room, and I know how to sow, stitch, hem all my own shit.

My dad is a very self sufficient guy. Although my mom knows how to do all the basic home duties my dad does it better and it's because I think he actually has fun with it. My mom cooks just so that there is food to eat, she has no passion for it. My dad makes the best food and me and my sisters very often crash at his place just to eat with him. We still go fishing like when we were kids, my 2nd oldest sister still likes to come along since she has no bf and no life lol.

A benefit we have is that I can ask my mom and my sisters about girl advice and my sisters can ask my dad (or me) about boy advice. When we feel like we want a serious relationship we can lean on each other to vet potential girlfriends or boyfriends.

Also, don't make the mistake of confusing the enforcement of gender roles with parents just being assholes. My dad in his own weird way always preferred that I be a Man. These are his exact words: "You can be a drag queen for all I care, just be a man about it!" What he meant was that I should not be a pushover, a weakling, or effeminate. Even though my sisters are female he also expressed the same to them, he taught them to be comfortable in being feminine only after they feel secure in that role by learning to be self sufficient. Being feminine does not mean being a pushover just as being masculine does not mean you push everyone around. My dad hated bullies with a passion, when I was in school he specifically taught me that the way to deal with them is to retaliate, and retaliate hard.

Luckily I never had to deal with bullies because I don't carry myself with the type of attitude that would make me a target but I did see a few meatheaded assholes try to push weaker kids around and a few times I would invite the weaker kid to chill out with me and my friends just to see what the bitch ass bully would do - in my own way I guess I was looking for an excuse to beat the shit out of the bully. And sure enough once the kid being picked on was now a part of a group the little bitch that was picking on him would simply back off and I didn't have to really do anything. Bullies are just pussies who need to assert their fragile manhood on other males that they believe won't retaliate against their shit. As soon as their prey becomes a part of a group of pack-males (like wolves) who will whoop his ass if he messes with one of their own they back off.

I learned all of this from both of my parents actually because as pathetic as male bullies are female bullies can be much more vicious and a lot more covert. My mom specifically taught me how to detect and then destroy female bullies just as my dad taught me how to deal with male bullies. Female bullies are a lot more challenging to deal with though, it takes a lot more cunning and skills to deal with them. This is why detecting them is more important, like a cancer, it can be remedied if it is detected early enough. Female bullies rely on stealth, they are more insidious and sneak up on you and by the time you wise up to the fact that she is a fucking bully it's usually too late and she already has dirt to blackmail you with or string she can pull and knows all your buttons to push. This is why my mom always stressed the importance of spotting them first. Once you know a female is a bully you can throw up your walls and block her from gaining any damaging access to you. You can also wise up your friends against this toxic female in order to deny her access to your social circle and wreak havoc in your friendships. A female bully's power is greatly diminished once she has been detected and ousted for what she is.

Siukslinis_acc · 2021-04-10T10:49:38+00:00

Girl/woman

I'd say my grandma(s) tried to push the roles more. they would often say thing like "you must know how to do it, because you are a GIRL", "you can't to that because you're a GIRL". One thing I remember, when me and my brother went to the small traveling amusement park with grandma. She forced me to wear a dress (I wanted to wear pants). My brother went to the pool filled with balls I wanted to go there too, but my grandma forbade me because I wore a dress (that she herself forced me to wear). Till this day dress =

My parents didn't enforce gender roles on me. Occasionally they tried some girly thing on me, but saw that I wasn't interested in them and dropped them. Mom put some makeup on me for elementary school play I didn't like it so she never tryed/forced me to wear it again, sometimes she mentions/asks if I wan it, I answer no and she drops the subject. Dad bought a barbie once. I put it in the deepest recesses of a drawer to never see it again. He saw that I didn't like it and never bough me a doll again.

I think it has much to do with me having an older brother. Many clothes that I wore were the ones that my brother outgrew. Played with my brother, so we used the same toys. When parents occasionally bought us things they tended to buy us the same thing (the ole "why he/she got a different candy than me" sibling dilemma).

PreparationWorried33 · 2021-04-10T12:01:49+00:00

I’m a woman and I think they were definitely enforced more by my mom. My parents both enforced gender roles for the boys but only my mom and grandma enforced them for the girls.

From the age of 8 I started taking on domestic responsibilities for the house and on Sundays that’s when my mom grandma and I did the biggest amount of housework because we’d deep clean the whole house, do everyone’s laundry and meal prep. Whenever we had visitors or on holidays there’d always be more to do because there were more people staying in the house making more mess and more mouths to feed. When I’d complain about wanting to go play my mom would always yell, beat and scold me and say these are things I need to learn how to do or I’ll never get a good husband.

She’d do the same thing with my weight, how I dressed, my posture etc. I’ve never been fat but when I was going through puberty I had joint pains and started gaining some weight. Again, wasn’t fat but my mom noticed I was no longer a size zero and xxs so she started nagging more about the sweets and snacks I ate and moderating my intake. She always would get mad at how I dressed and carried myself because I was a tomboy in early childhood and she beat and dragged me into being hyperfemme. She would always give me lessons on how to be saccharine and sweet in a way that lets you manipulate men and get what you want out of them. She also would always tell me from young to not focus on a guys looks. She said the most important things are how much he loves you, how well he treats you, how much he earns and whether or not he will be generous and spoil you. She’d always say “It’s ok to want to be attracted to your partner but remember cute w/big cocky can’t feed you and pay bills”

Blackgod_Kurokami · 2021-04-10T16:38:38+00:00

I’m male. I would say my parents equally pushed stereotypes on me but nothing extreme. My dad didn’t force me to play sports or anything. Most of my life I was an out of shape chubby boy. My dad likes sports but he and my mom are also overweight. I recall my dad once telling me if we didn’t have extra space in the bed and me or my cousin (female) had to sleep on the floor it was gonna be me because I’m male. My dad is the type who unironically thinks women are naturally significantly emotionally weaker than men. Also recall my mom telling me once I shouldn’t be afraid of a needle or something because I’m a boy. As a kid I thought this was dumb which is what I expressed

just_a_place · 2021-04-10T03:26:50+00:00

[permanently deleted]

TrueCenterRealist · 2021-04-10T03:14:27+00:00

My mother. She was hardcore housewife life, and highly respects my father and his authority. Didn’t see my dad as often because he was working all the time, but he was around often enough. My mother was my sole role model for 90% of my life (my dad of course was a role model but more because he was the hardworking man’s man). Honestly glad I didn’t shun those beliefs, it’s worked out for me long term.

athrowaway283222 · 2021-04-10T04:52:42+00:00

as a zoomer: my parents didn't enforce any gender roles on me as in, this is what a woman does. they just coddled me.

as far as femininity goes, i internalized some things from my surroundings, like this is what girls like to play with (dolls, stuffed animals, pink shit), and do (socialize, hang w/ other girls, play pretend kitchen and this and that), and dress like (eh just anything that wasn't overly masc), but i also internalized other more "female empowerment" concepts growing up like girls can do anything boys can, girls should pursue careers and can do it all even if they want to be a mother, girls shouldn't care about what boys do and should in fact stay away from them for mental sanity, 50/50 relationship models (modeled by my parents, almost, my mom does put in a bit more labor and make a bit more money; do not want), etc.

my parents really emphasized career and took pride in my school performance over everything. they did emphasize religious (and cultural being non Western) values and abstinence though; but they hold both men and women equally to those standards. less double standards but a lot of comparison to other kids.

NICHIJOU2411 · 2021-04-10T05:37:10+00:00

Male.

I’d say both pushed me to take in a more traditional role(at least in terms of dating), even though my mom has had several jobs in the past and is working with passing a coding class atm. Both are hardworking and I am glad that I was able to get a work ethic installed from them. You could also say that they are both redpilled, dad a little more so than mom. They both agree it’s the mans job to do the pursuing, but also there are a lot of women in world. Don’t get stuck to one until I’m older. Which makes sense IMO.

HemluckMcGee · 2021-04-10T06:32:36+00:00

My dad and stepmom were the ones who tried to push gender roles on me by making me dress differently and trying to get me to use make up. My mom on the other hand just focused on being hygienic instead. And school. She really cared about that

icedhumblepie · 2021-04-10T07:01:31+00:00

1) Male

2) My mother, who taught us equality, with a little bit of traditional gender roles mixed in so we could function in contemporary society

2021-04-10T09:14:01+00:00

Yeah, same as you. My mum showed me how to take care of my looks and deal with boys, my dad taught my brother how to be a guy.

Pilling_it · 2021-04-10T10:32:46+00:00

Both. They weren't exactly pushing or saying much, but although they wanted my sister and me to study and be able to live on our own, there were things that made it clear that women and men weren't the same. At 15 they were cool with me coming home at 11pm.

At 19 I went to walk at night around the city, went back at 4am. They were asleep, and the next day when I told them that, they just told me to make sure I don't run into trouble. At the same age my sister went out with her friends, they asked her to message them by 9pm to make sure they were safe.

I understand why they'd never straight up told us things, but that would have helped me with people that told me all the bs society feed us nowadays. Once, my father told me my private life was my business, but that it was also my business to be careful with it.

As far as role models goes, I definitely could have had a worse roll of the dice. And having a sister made both of us much more aware of the difference without ever having to speak about it.

ChibsFilipTelfordd · 2021-04-10T10:45:25+00:00

Gender roles weren't enforced by either of my parents. I learned how to be a man from the cruelty and bellittlement of my peers. I say i began starting to act overtly masculine by about 12, and was very masculine by 15

My dad was trying to do his best by this, and when i asked him about manly things he did do his best to tell the truth about how he felt.

Also, he did have me do some masculine things like sports and such, and teach me to be aggressive and confident. But he never pushed me to be manly per se.

My mom on the other hand didn't teach me anything about masculinity.

2021-04-10T12:59:27+00:00

Male.
I was raised by my mother... She tried her best, she was a awesome person, but she had no male knowledge about life. She was a housewife and never had to work.
All I know I learned alone crashing my had against the wall and living.

shnanogans · 2021-04-10T16:36:02+00:00

Definitely my dad.

I remember I played Mario Kart when I was younger and I’d always pick Yoshi as my main, but one day my dad told me that I need to start playing as Princess Peach

OmarNBradley · 2021-04-10T17:29:27+00:00

My father had zero tolerance for psychological femininity and worked very hard to eradicate all traces of it in my sister and me. He spent 13 months forward deployed in the Vietnamese jungle near the Cambodian border, and to him, psychological femininity was weakness, and weakness gets you killed. It was his way of protecting us, and ensuring that we could protect ourselves when he wasn't around to do it. I have written about this before/

He was completely agnostic about whether we looked feminine, dressed up, spent time doing our hair, whatever. My mom tried valiantly to get me to want to do that stuff, mostly unsuccessfully. I wish I had a nickel for every time I heard "Sit like a lady."

DownvoteMe2021 · 2021-04-10T03:46:40+00:00

I am a male, born and raised. My mother took on the masculine traits as a single mom. She attempted to give me masculine traits as well (If a boy hits you, you hit back so hard he never touches you again, but you never hit a girl ever). The school wanted to suspend me at 6yo when a school yard bully cornered me with his friend and I beat the shit out of them and kicked his face in. The school said retaliatory violence was not ok (I was the one approached and outnumbered 2-1, but I went straight for the eyes, throats, and nuts). I was later forced to play various sports, most of which I didn't like, but went on to play one at a varsity level (which I did enjoy thoroughly) until it wasn't feasible (I started working).

She kept her masculine traits when she remarried (me aged 10) my submissive stepdad (he is an awesome guy, but remarried another alpha-female later on). She ended up getting another divorce after making both their lives miserable, and is now alone and miserable. I am significantly more masculine than my step dad, but I was able to intellectualize the process and mimic it until it stuck. There are still habits I have to deliberately avoid.

witchfromthewoods · 2021-04-10T03:49:55+00:00

My mother is the one who encouraged traditional roles for me and my sisters I dont think traditional roles are negative or negatively impact me in any way

My father lead by example the type of man my brothers should be and my mother did the same for us girls.

flapperfemmefatale · 2021-04-10T06:18:29+00:00

I'm a woman.

Neither of my parents really enforced gender roles, but my dad did moreso. Fortunately, my parents divorced when I was young so I didn't have to deal with it too often.

SaBahRub · 2021-04-10T03:52:43+00:00

Dad.

Dads seem to be the major enforcers of gender roles, IMO, at least in the sense of “don’t do that; it’s wrong/will get you a beatdown/people will make fun of you and you’ll have to kick their ass.”

Maybe the moms put it to them to be the bad guy/enforcers so it seems like they do more of it

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xFallacyx69 · 2021-04-10T13:35:39+00:00

Both. My dad worked a cool job and my mom didn’t work... my dad pushed me a lil too hard, but nothing crazy, so I guess it worked out. My mom always taught me that women were to be coddled, a true man does blah, blah, blah... which really hurt me in my first relationship. But I think that’s most dudes

wtknight · 2021-04-10T14:53:50+00:00

Neither of my parents enforced them for me, so I didn't end up as that masculine, but I'm still masculine enough to attract a woman due to hormones or whatever it is that controls gender identity.

stranglethebars · 2021-04-10T17:54:05+00:00

I'm a guy, and both my mother and father were relatively flexible about their roles (dad cooking, vacuuming, doing groceries etc. quite often, mom fixing various practical things inside the house that, I guess, men typically sort out). I don't really remember gender roles being pushed on me at all, but my mother sometimes insinuated that she wished either I or my dad were better at/more interested in stuff that men traditionally have been good at (carpenting, electricians' tasks and so on). My dad, who was more intellectually oriented, had no equivalent complaints.

rilakkumkum · 2021-04-10T18:24:45+00:00

More enforced by my mom and sisters. Frickin crazy

Willow-girl · 2021-04-11T01:16:36+00:00

My parents were busy doing their own thing and I was pretty much allowed to follow my own inclinations. It some ways, this was great; in other ways, not so much (for instance, I lacked any kind of parental protection or good advice that might have saved me some trouble).

DXBrigade · 2021-04-11T11:01:23+00:00

Female.
Dad.

ThrowawayCOVID999 · 2021-04-14T12:28:34+00:00

Not sure, I just remember a lot of yelling

Rockbottom503 · 2021-04-14T14:34:15+00:00

Both, in different ways, really my mum was very much a boys don't cry type from very early on whereas my dad wasn't and my mum didn't bat an eyelid when I punched a girl who had been following me round repeatedly booting me because her friends found it funny but my dad completely hauled me over the coals when he found out!

Title	Growing up as a kid, were gender roles more enforced by your mom or your dad?
Author	shnanogans
Upvotes	11
Comments	80
Date	April 10, 2021 3:10 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/mnwve5/growing_up_as_a_kid_were_gender_roles_more/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/growing-up-as-a-kid-were-gender-roles-more.1187160 https://theredarchive.com/post/1187160

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