How can I know if a guy who is chasing me does not see me as a consolation prize?

victoriabowen8 · 2021-03-26T17:00:06+00:00

A man who sees you as a consolation prize will treat you like one. M*n who read FDS and seethe at us misinterpret our insistence on gift-giving, contributing to chores, generosity, paying for dates, etc as us being "gold-digging harpies" but they are actually just angry that we have wised up to how men treat women they view as consolation prizes as you said and women they truly desire.

When a man truly desires a woman, and he is truly satisfied by her, he will WANT to impress her. This is ingrained into male nature all throughout the animal kingdom. If a man sees you as a genuinely desirable woman, he will be obsessed with proving himself to you. A $50 bill for a dinner date will appear like NOTHING to him. He will not view important dates as burdens to wriggle out of, but rather as precious opportunities to impress you and win your favor. Again, a $10 box of nice chocolates and a $20 bouquet of roses (I am overestimating here as well) will seem like NOTHING to him because he will view you from a scarcity mindset, not a "Eh, it's either her or my hand" mindset.

M*n know this. They KNOW that they will selfishly waste the best years of a woman's life if they don't truly desire her (even WORSE because they believe a woman "hits the wall" at 30 so they will waste a woman's life from 25 to 30 and not give a single fuck that they, in their minds, just condemned her to a life of solitude or whatever because they strung her along with promises and then dumped her) and they openly refer to such women as "starter girlfriends." They literally view average women as objectified holes for them to pleasure themselves before they can snag a woman they find truly beautiful and worthy. And make no mistake, they will LIE to you in order to parasite off of you as their starter GF. As their "forever girlfriend" you will be used as a bangmaid, making HIS life easier so that he can focus on his net worth which he will then use to trade up.

So how can you tell if your man views you as his consolation prize/starter GF or if he has committed to you?

He wants to spend time with you...If your male SO would rather play videogames and reacts to you wanting to do things together negatively, this is a BIG red flag because it shows that he is not with you because he loves YOU, he is with you for pragmatic reasons ("it's better for me to live with a woman because I can rope her into doing all my chores and cooking for me, and I can use her body to fulfill my sexual needs without having to actually go out and work for it, so I would prefer a forever girlfriend during my bachelor years to actually having to live as a bachelor") and your wanting to spend time with him is a violation of what he views your proper role should be, i.e. a silent slave who he snaps his fingers for when he wants something - even maybe temporary company - but otherwise disappears.

He wants to impress you...If he has money, he will be generous. He will want to be viewed as a strong, capable provider because he will be desperate to add value to your life in hopes of impressing you and winning you over. He will present you with gifts at any opportunity and if you ask him to do things, like contributing to the chores, he will either pitch it or offer to compensate you financially for your work by paying for all the bills or something. If he truly values you, HE will be desperate to impress you not the other way around

He wants to please you in bed...If a man finds a woman desirable, sex will be a bonding experience between two equals. It will not feel like he is just using you as an object as a supplement to his porn habits. This ties into wanting to impress you. If he views your preferences and comfort as a burden and tries to ignore them, BIG red flag. He should be trying to make you orgasm because men who actually care view making a woman orgasm as a sign of their own masculinity.

And lastly, if a man is actually passionate about you, he will be trying to lock you down ASAP. There is no reason a man who views you as the most desirable would ever want to keep you as a forever girlfriend. When a man first sees you, he will already be trying to find the right box for you. Men are even quicker to cement their first impression of others than women are. If he put you in the "wife material" box, assuming he even has such a box (again, he might still actually be in his bachelor years and not even looking for commitment but is using you as a placeholder because having a low self esteem woman to clean up after him is easier) he will only date you long enough to determine if his first impression was actually correct. Within the first year of dating, he will be talking about the next step. Within 2 years of dating, you should either be getting married or moving on. Think about it. If you start dating at 20 and give each man 2 years to either commit or move on, you will STILL only be able to test 5 men in your 20s. Do not give a man more of your precious time to potentially waste than absolutely necessary. You will speed him along by NOT moving in with him. Do not give him access to your private life. Think about the difference in how a man views you if he doesn't have access to seeing what you do for 75%+ of the time vs. a man who knows every time you go to use the toilet in your shared apartment and wakes up to you every morning already in his bed. Which scenario is more likely to make him feel pressure to lock you down? Exactly.

Thank you for the wholesome award, glad you liked my thoughts! <3

TheDameWithoutASmile · 2021-03-26T17:14:12+00:00

A guy who sees you as a consolation prize will act like you owe them, because they "settled" for you. They won't go out of their way to do nice things for you, take you on dates, or buy you gifts, because they feel like they've already done you a huge favor.

lillylilacladybug · 2021-03-26T15:22:45+00:00

Vet vet vet. I don’t believe every guy wants an Instagram model. Do a lot yes but I also know guys who genuinely find the girls that other guys might say aren’t necessarily Instagram hotties as 10s. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and most people find different things beautiful. The way to figure this out is vetting. Eventually a guy who sees you as a consolation prize will show his true colors. Most people can’t hide their real motives/personalities very long. I’ve personally found these guys to be the ones heavy into porn, onlyfans, and follow a lot of different women on Instagram. They will also make you feel like you owe them because they are giving you the privilege of dating them. Once you start seeing these traits dump them.

SayNad · 2021-03-26T19:42:16+00:00

Never IDOLIZE a man and make up fantasies about his supposed "qualities" in your head - instead OBSERVE critically his every steps, his every move, his every attitude - so when he is chasing you, is he truly chasing you for you or is there something else?

A lot of times when a woman fall in love with a man, she starts to make up his "great qualities" in her head and try to minimize the qualities she found off - essentially gaslighting yourself to not see the red and yellow flags he displayed early on because you want so badly for him to be the one, for him to love you the way you love him.

STOP. THAT. Watch him. Observe him. If something he did no matter how minor is not something you will tolerate, block and delete ASAP. DO NOT be desperate for this relationship to "work" - you are not barbara the builder, if he can't measure up to your standard, he is not up to your standard, period.

STOP treating a man, even when he supposedly chasing after YOU - like he is the greatest gift to this damn earth, that you should be honored he choose you, just stop. HE should be honored YOU give him a chance - that's how it works.

If you still can't shake off that nagging voice inside your head that you are WORTHY, you shouldn't be dating right now sis, you should heal and level up first.

everythingandlove · 2021-03-26T15:21:29+00:00

I’m starting to think the same way about a lot of men. Are they even capable of love? Especially some men who are well off and not perhaps the most handsome, etc. would they even care if it weren’t for their pride? It’s just sad imo

New_Article7411 · 2021-03-26T16:18:29+00:00

Prince Charles, Princess Diana and Camilla Parker Bowles, ok?

Sensitive-Sun-3591 · 2021-03-26T18:05:18+00:00

Men who think like this see women as objects. A 10 is just an upgrade to them, like the latest iPhone. This is where a lot of LVM behaviour is rooted. Nothing groundbreaking here - feminists have acknowledged this for years.

Where FDS is really groundbreaking, is that we acknowledge that in a patriarchal society this applies to the vast majority of men. Not some hypothetical man, but the actual men in our lives. And that yes, we are dating them too. And then, we give ourselves tools and strategies that we can apply. Being pragmatic, not theoretical - this is the most valuable part.

Coming together to share insights, developing strategies, and applying them to our daily lives, can help us weed out some of the LVM.

It's not perfect, no one has all of the answers, but if we keep paving this road then at some point we will be able to filter out all the LVM - and maybe even help change attitudes so that society produces less LVM and more HVM. It won't be in our lifetime. But we can carry the torch.

spinsterchachkies · 2021-03-26T15:33:18+00:00

I don’t know if this is helpful, but I know some men that prefer less attractive women because they know men are always seeking out the more attractive women. They don’t want to have to compete with other men, they consider it too much work and don’t want to worry about their SO leaving them.

hopewings · 2021-03-26T15:20:45+00:00

Read the handbook. It has a lot of strategies to vet. Those men will put in some effort at the beginning, but when they're predatory wolves pretending to be good men, sooner or later their whiskers will pop out.

https://www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/iy1e23/how_to_avoid_getting_pavloved_via_technology/

https://www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/e017h7/the_dumb_fox_credo/

https://www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/jhkeca/if_he_doesnt_make_you_cum_he_doesnt_care_about/

https://www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/maxlon/for_those_of_you_looking_for_signs_of_him_being/

From the last post:

"When someone’s genuinely interested in you, they consistently demonstrate their interest and leave you in no doubt about it."

2021-03-26T17:09:51+00:00

I can tell you how i knew my boyfriend is interested just in me when a girl a lot hotter than me with cleavage and boobs that make my eyes notice it but my boyfriend doesn't even blink and doesn't notices it , same for any man i know who is into his partner/ wife. Or optionally take him the gym that is known for lot of hot girls frequenting and ask him to work out with you in peak hours. Observe where his eyes go .

Lemon_bars_addiction · 2021-03-26T16:16:44+00:00

If you even have to wonder this then he’s not the one

LetsGetin_Formation · 2021-03-26T16:38:21+00:00

There’s no use agonizing if you’re the hottest girl he’s going to get when it’s a known fact most men cheat “down” anyway.

You’ll never be the hottest girl and he damn sure won’t be the the most desirable guy out there. Trust me, men are more concerned with this than women are. They decry “hypergamy!!” Every time a woman upgrades cause men can’t comprehend not sleeping with anything that moves.

Choose a man who loves you and leaves no doubts in your mind. Many times if you’re TOO hot for him, the man will grow incredibly insecure and cheat as soon as possible.

Don’t compete with other women. You focus on the wrong things and you will always always always lose a competition that doesn’t exist. Men’s porn preferences alone show you they’re never satisfied. It’s not about attraction, it’s about character. Once you look around and see how many men cheat down you’ll realize focusing on this rather than his character is an utterly useless endeavor.

onceuponasea · 2021-03-26T16:04:12+00:00

I don’t know if this answers your questions but my guy use to obsess over my looks, telling me how I’m a 10/10, that I should model, hottest girl in the world, etc. and still didn’t treat me like I was the prize.

fdssavedmylife · 2021-03-26T17:49:36+00:00

I’ve only ever been a consolation prize, a placeholder, a time killer, etc. I’ve felt this way with every single guy I’ve dated. They don’t feel lucky to be with me. They don’t have romantic notions about me. They aren’t planning our future together. They don’t think I’m special and wonderful and unique, the way I thought about them. I was just a body to have sex with and maybe show off to their friends to prove they can totally get laid if they want. At best, I was a therapist.

I know this is negative and I shouldn’t feel this way, but I’m starting to believe men are only capable of having stars in their eyes for really conventionally beautiful women. I don’t think I have the potential to make a man fall head over heels for me. I will always be “the best they could get” while they fantasize about and pine after their dream girls. Sigh.

yolosunshine · 2021-03-26T20:00:10+00:00

You cannot know what someone wants to hide.

You can know what they show you.

If he doesn’t respect you-you, it doesn’t matter if he wants an Instagram model or PickMeisha down the street for the night—he is not for you.

You don’t have to suss out who he actually wants, just if he actually wants you or not.

Takes care of both problems.

Some 🚩:

—overly concerned with how you and he appear to others, at all—-whether you’re front page news on day 2 or a secret long time, both are bad for different reasons.

— disagreements are not resolved; they’re won/lost or they’re swept under the rug

—he can’t articulate goals for him and a partner whether life (ie we will work together to save the whales) or interpersonal interaction (ie when disagree we can resolve by learning how the other views the subject)

If he’s looking for a placeholder of any caliber these will all be problematic or nonexistent.

Dating is literally a job interview but with your heart at stake too and in a field conditions environment.

_queeeen_ · 2021-03-26T19:24:38+00:00

Men should be respectfully pursuing women at their level or very nearly adjacent. If he doesn’t know that and/or abide by it, he’s a LVM.

grittex · 2021-03-26T20:49:10+00:00

I don't have any interest in wondering about whether a dude is truly into me or not - it should be totally unquestionable. If you have good self esteem, and you're not feeling validated by your partner, that's a problem with them. If the issue is your self esteem, though, work on that yourself first.

fireforestfairy · 2021-03-26T21:30:24+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Nice_Pass2393 · 2021-03-26T21:45:34+00:00

If he actually makes plans instead of texting wyd

myoklife · 2021-03-26T23:16:38+00:00

I totally feel the same way as you about my past relationships. And I admit I often feel a bit hopeless. Even the "better" guys I dated were like this. But overall I think the problem was me settling for people who would ever be with someone and treat them that way. It's LV in general to date someone yet be ready to leave if someone "hotter" comes along, or to have wandering eyes and lingering feelings for other women.

Think of it this way: think of all the long term happy couples you have ever met in your life. Maybe you have family members, neighbors, mom and pop who own the coffee shop down the road, coworkers, etc. Are all of them perfect 10s? I think you'll find that they aren't. And sure we don't know the whole story of their lives but I'm sure there is someone you know who is married to someone who is not a 10, yet is completely and utterly devoted to them.

I get down about the prevalence of shitty, shallow men a lot in my age group and my therapist always asks me to think of good men in my life to remind myself they aren't all striving for an instagram model gf. I don't know a lot of good men but I know a few or knew some in the past.

Edit: I didn't really answer your question. I just wanted to say I totally feel you and it sucks. But I think there is hope for us ;)

miss_peach94 · 2021-03-26T20:03:07+00:00

I don't believe this is true, because oftentimes the women who get treated the most like shit are the attractive ones.

iamonthereddit · 2021-03-26T17:37:52+00:00

Aren't men more visually stimulated anyway? I mean most women spend much more time on their looks than men. If he doesn't see you as a 10 for the full package then you better run. Just on looks I am no 10 either but once I am invested in a relationship I don't worry about this anymore, there should be more that makes the two of us want to see other than looks alone;)

How can I know if a guy who is chasing me does not see me as a consolation prize?

Comments

The HVM in my life openly acknowledge this.

Title	How can I know if a guy who is chasing me does not see me as a consolation prize?
Author	fireforestfairy
Upvotes	301
Comments	86
Date	March 26, 2021 3:04 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/mdqm1h/how_can_i_know_if_a_guy_who_is_chasing_me_does/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-can-i-know-if-a-guy-who-is-chasing-me-does-not.1187517 https://theredarchive.com/post/1187517