I am still trying to figure out what "emotional labor" means.

Shoddy_Consequence78 · 2023-08-15T15:42:34+00:00

The original concept of emotional labor isn't a bad one. It was mostly meant for workers in service jobs--cashiers, front of house staff, reception, counter agents, etc.--who have to look happy and be pleasant the entire time to customers and the public regardless of how they may be personally feeling. It got picked up and twisted (like a lot of concepts) into basically having to spend any time thinking about or keeping track of things. How a wife with a husband and children performs a bunch of "emotional labor" but a single person having to do the same things isn't is somehow never explained.

Uncle_Touchy1987 · 2023-08-15T16:03:29+00:00

Ha! Like men don’t do the same for women? That’s like 90% of the relationship when I’m not out working.

kevon87 · 2023-08-15T17:35:03+00:00

Feminists:”Men need to open up about their feelings more. But not to women, we do enough emotional labor. And not to men either, cuz that’s misogyny. You know what, don’t open up at all, because you’re supposed to be a man. God why are men so unemotional!?

FiveMagicBeans · 2023-08-15T16:00:29+00:00

What they mean is that they do all of the "planning".

But the ridiculous part about that is that most women do all of the thinking, planning, and worrying about the outcome of things because they want to be able to rigidly control everything in order to mitigate their anxiety or ensure that everything will be "perfect" according to their own personal opinion of how things should be.

They'll spend weeks meticulously planning what they're going to serve at Thanksgiving and mulling over each of their choices, comparing it to events that they've been to in the past or the tastes and preferences of all the guests that they've invited...

If you want me to plan Thanksgiving I'll be able to hammer out a list in the next hour of the various dishes I'm going to serve and the ingredients I'm going to need. Although I might forget something and have to do a bit of last minute shopping... I'm not going to worry about it because it... doesn't... fucking... matter... that... much.

I can't speak to women's lived experiences growing up. I'm not sure whether this need for strict control over everything within their household is a function of personal pride (ie - Need to be better than friend/relative/mother), wish fulfillment (ie - Spent their adolescent lives dreaming about throwing lavish parties and being a social butterfly), or anxiety about the event.

That's what they mean when they talk about "emotional labour". They seem to believe that everything in their lives needs to be meticulously scheduled, planned, and itemized instead of just dealing with situations as they arise. Sometimes it can be helpful to have someone who's "keeping track" of what needs to get done, but it often ends up going completely out of control in a desperate need for control that ends up tiring them out... annnnd then they complain that they're doing "all the emotional labour" when in reality, they're doing work that didn't need to get done in the first place.

doctor_bobolas · 2023-08-15T16:19:48+00:00

men also do an emotional labour, where is our pay?

granjero_jose · 2023-08-15T17:12:27+00:00

When I've seen the term emotional labor used on reddit, it's usually referring to the woman in a relationship feeling a bunch of emotions when the man isn't. Example: my girlfriends are coming over this weekend but our apartment is messy. I am really stressed about this, but my bf doesn't care and just sits and plays video games. I'm doing all the emotional labor in this household because he is not as worried as me!

In reality, this isn't emotional labor, this is just self-entitled neuroticism. In the end, the apartment will be cleaned by the bf on Friday or Saturday morning after 3 days of nagging by the gf. The real emotional labor is the bf having to tolerate and deescalate the tantrum the gf throws, while being the person ultimately responsible for solving all their problems.

Fuzzy_Department2799 · 2023-08-15T16:12:08+00:00

Another term someone in the media hijacked to try and use as a cudgel against men. Like someone else pointed out it was original about service industry folks always having to put on a facade and act nice. Its exhausting to do that, Women started using it as another manipulation tool.

CrowMagpie · 2023-08-15T20:20:48+00:00

Feminists (not women) try to make everything about women and what they do. They try to take every single thing that happens in life and make it look like a conspiracy against women. They ignore the fact that most of the time, men have the exact same issues.

In this case, they're taking common human decency, the baseline you might expect two or more people to do for each other, and trying to turn it into a commodity - when women do it.

It's just another means of control, and feminists (again, not women) saying that men should be slaves to women and women don't have to do anything for anyone but themselves.

mikehawk1988 · 2023-08-15T20:24:49+00:00

Emotionally (and financially) supported my ex for several months because she was depressed. I then had panic attacks and intense stress for a couple of weeks and she left me because "she doesn't want to feel like my mom or therapist". The other got angry with me being sad for my health problems that doctors have no cure for. "You're old enough to take this into your own hands". And also called me a child for not bringing suncream on vacations and asking her if she could borrow me.

XolivawX · 2023-08-15T16:50:02+00:00

Women typically think of men as intellectually/emotionally less than.

This is why you often hear about women "training" men like they're dogs. Women believe that men are not capable of processing emotions in a meaningful way.

AndyBrown65 · 2023-08-15T22:25:45+00:00

Another bullying term. It’s their way of wanting all the attention on themselves. Anyone who has been in a relationship with a woman knows men listen to all the nuances for the day and then when a man has his turn “yeah, well I had a crap day…l

“OMG…. What am I, your therapist????”

StopManaCheating · 2023-08-15T17:31:10+00:00

It’s coded language for “I can’t manipulate my man”.

PlayHardGoBroke · 2023-08-15T16:22:42+00:00

Think it steams from them overthinking everything 50x and trying to control all outside factors I struggle to understand how is this men’s fault, guess they expect us to apologise for our tendency to being generally more stoic.

Aspiengineer · 2023-08-15T17:57:46+00:00

It can't exist, because men don't have emotions and wouldn't talk about them if they had any. Especialy not to women who they despise.

/Sarcasm

ZekalMacabre · 2023-08-15T20:19:00+00:00

It's called existing and living life. These idiot women want credit just for existing.

It's pathetic as fuck.

theoracleofosiris · 2023-08-16T00:17:05+00:00

When I still bothered with relationships it was basically a nonfalsifiable way for a woman to show that she pulled equal weight in a relationship where I paid for and did everything.

Why try to define or figure out nonsense excuses? Just gyow.

Proverbs_31_2-3 · 2023-08-16T07:30:15+00:00

What about the emotional labor men perform in putting up with women's ever changing fads, trends, bandwagons, mass hysterias, and bellicose newspeak like "emotional labor", "toxic masculinity", etc.

mypreciousssssssss · 2023-08-15T16:29:27+00:00

Having to think and make a plan. For example, figuring out how to divide chores is itself a chore. Petty things like that add up over time. If one person in the relationship is the one who always figures things out and makes all the plans, that's a lot of work that goes unrecognized and people get frustrated. My husband is better at planning than I am so he mostly does that, and I find other ways to balance the workload between us.

thefamilymanhq · 2023-08-15T19:06:24+00:00

Invisible labor is probably a better term. There's a lot of things that gets done. And a lot of things that are visible that require a lot more work behind them.

For example, cooking requires a lot of planning and cleaning. Even if you hire someone to do, it requires coordination with the other party

DenimGod4lyfe · 2023-08-15T17:24:39+00:00

It's what we do when women say stuff like 'I hate men," "men are pigs," and "kill all men" online and to our faces, but we have to pretend like it's fine and not hate speech because we'll be persecuted if we speak up.

RealMadrid446 · 2023-08-15T16:38:01+00:00

Men do more emotional labour for women then women do for men

Tapis_Intermediate · 2023-08-15T22:47:26+00:00

Awesome post and comments. Anyone who has been in a relationship knows exactly what is being discussed. I’m not going to repeat what’s already been said except to add that women’s emotional needs have made the work place an absolute nightmare and a minefield.

Loud_Telephone_8924 · 2023-08-15T23:44:23+00:00

'emotional labor' doesn't exist. It was made up to 'balance' the real labour gap between men and women.

SuspiciousGrievances · 2023-08-16T02:29:15+00:00

Just more gas lighting BS.

Nihi1986 · 2023-08-16T03:20:33+00:00

Men probably do a lot more or 'emotional labor' nowadays in relationships...

Our_media_lies · 2023-08-15T17:33:08+00:00

Helping your partner or friend emotionally. Most people are happy to do it. It’s how relationships work. Men do it too. For feminists though it’s a cause of great concern - Doing something for someone else without seeing what you get in return. They hate that cause they are one of the most extreme examples of selfishness.

hudibrastic · 2023-08-15T16:11:07+00:00

It means that men should shut up and never talk about how they feel to women

RisingWolfe11 · 2023-08-15T17:59:42+00:00

For my experience;

If you are not the correct demographic and want to ask someone of the correct demographic (according to them not me 😂) you must pay in order for them to use labor (meaning talk with you and make an 'effort') to educate yiu when you yourself can do it on your own.

Example; I was trying to ask someone how what I said was racist (I think, or how the comment someone made was. Forget 😩 I get told I'm racist often even though I don't think anyone cannot be racist. 😂) and rhey said I had to pay them for them to explain. I often see it when it comes to race, but it also happens with sexism.

Drives me insane.

Ohadi_Nacnud · 2023-08-15T19:43:56+00:00

Its a bs term made up by women.

McFeely_Smackup · 2023-08-15T20:15:06+00:00

it means "not going to work"

B1G_Fan · 2023-08-15T20:17:15+00:00

Aaron Clarey had a great video on “emotional labor”

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=HDGTa1mhBh8&pp=ygUWRW1vdGlvbmFsIGxhYm9yIGNsYXJleQ%3D%3D

Fictionarious · 2023-08-15T22:29:02+00:00

neurotic narcissism

Fast-Event6379 · 2023-08-16T00:11:31+00:00

A meaningless word women invented that isn't bidirectional.

Zimi231 · 2023-08-16T04:34:07+00:00

Emotional labor is when I spend way too much time making sure my wife leaves enough damn money to pay the bills

Shdwfalcon · 2023-08-16T07:09:49+00:00

Emotional labour is a non-existant term used by females to pad their victim cards.

Get it now?

Za__guy · 2023-08-15T16:42:57+00:00

I maybe mistaken but I find it bullshit

Someone want to recognize the little things as "work" even "labor" which indicates hard work

I see it as someone been nice, heer your problem and support you (by talk not actually) it's important for the relation but calling it work is bullshit

Eakin4Change · 2023-08-15T16:39:28+00:00

In relationships it means the person who feels most responsible to make things smooth or not rock the boat for the partner ie keep their partner happy and don't make what in most cases is a normal expectation because it makes the other person do anything they don't want to do. This is a primary reason for resentment in relationships because one partner doesn't communicate and takes on the predominant amount of the emotional labor and feels they should be extra grateful when the partner does normal stuff or occasionally puts in the same amount of effort and expects a pat on the back that the partner doesn't routinely get when they do the same thing A LOT more often.

claygal2023 · 2023-08-15T17:51:37+00:00

Ever done something that wasn't physically draining but emotionally draining? That's that.

orussell03 · 2023-08-15T18:48:44+00:00

Basically, planning birthday parties, researching where to dine and selecting the right resort for the family to vacation at. You as a dumbass man get to pay for all that with your actual labor.

Oh forgot. To remind you to call your mom to wish her happy birthday. "Labor"

Wakka_Grand_Wizard · 2023-08-15T16:51:01+00:00

Lol what emotional labor? I remember being lead to tears by my second ex because I was in need of her help and she flat out refused several times. Safe to say that relationship didn't last long. Nowheredays, i feel women do jackshit and want praise for it

PrecisionGuessWerk · 2023-08-15T18:03:44+00:00

Interesting to read all the comments. Its not as unanimous as I thought it would be.

So I'll lay out my understanding of it. just like "regular" intelligence, there's also emotional intelligence right? Being able to empathize, have sympathy, connect emotionally, be mindful of yourself and of others, have patience, manage emotions, communicate feelings, etc. So doing emotional labour, is performing tasks related to emotional intelligence.

This would mean that generally speaking she is more aware, considerate, and supportive of his emotional state than he is of hers. She is patiently dealing with the fallout of his emotions. She is the one who expresses more empathy. She supports him in his emotions and feels like he doesn't support her. She is mindful of his emotions when choosing what to say (which can often require patience, as emotions can be unreasonable). And then we can take this and expand it: She's the only one who provides emotional support to children, who makes them feel seen and heard, who has patients for their unreasonable emotional outbursts. She's the one who takes into consideration the extended family too, things like managing supporting a grandparent emotionally.

somebullshitorother · 2023-08-15T22:10:24+00:00

The emotional labor men are socialized to do is mostly self neglect by handling it without actually attending to it or asking for support. This is exhausting, and more so when a female partner is expecting you to field hers, particularly if she takes for granted that you aren’t asking the same from her and she is unable to tend to her own. There’s something either sex can teach each other there to get in balance. Good books on this are “running on empty” and “crazy for you”

HotRaise4194 · 2023-08-15T16:36:32+00:00

Have you ever been told you’d be prettier if you smiled more? It’s that kind of stuff.

1837-1980 · 2023-08-15T18:26:23+00:00

Pretty sure it means your taking the toll of somebody else’s emotions. Usually psychologist are considered emotional labor because it is very draining and exhausting. Those women are using it wrong.

Ronniebbb · 2023-08-15T19:47:50+00:00

I usually find emotional labour goes along with being around emotional vampires. But basically it's when you put everything you have emotionally into a person or people. Where you do everything to make them happy and okay and take on their emotional needs until you're basically completely fried and a broken mess. It's like burn out from work, school etc. But on the emotional level of caring for another.

Now men and women both take on this role, nd it isn't just romantic relationships

excess_inquisitivity · 2023-08-15T23:15:13+00:00

Women have ways of knowing this.

Men have no ways of knowing this.

And so it is.

soulure · 2023-08-15T23:33:11+00:00

It means listening; it's despised. And now you know why stoicism is attractive.

OldTrapper87 · 2023-08-15T23:36:18+00:00

Loving someone one on the good days and the bad days can be hard and considered "emotional labor" along with things like cheering them up when they are having a bad day, ignoring a few rude remarks you know someone doesn't mean or putting up with a partners crazy family.

In my experience woman have less emotional control then men and have monthly ups and downs we men have to be understanding about but of course putting up with a emotional woman is called being a husband but putting up with a man's imperfections is emotional labor.

That sounds like something a woman would say who struggling keep her first serious relationship going.

Yes people real committed relationship are hard work but you don't get good at it by talking on Reddit it done by trial and error.

ChickenGyro420 · 2023-08-16T00:07:06+00:00

its another made up term to make women out to be poor little victims

MusicFinal · 2023-08-16T00:26:03+00:00

Women are more open to personal therapy than men. So they feel weighed down with carrying their man past/present burdens.

Best i can explain from convos ive had.

THEpassionOFchrist · 2023-08-16T03:43:17+00:00

There are certain things that are important for those women. Those same things are not important to the men in their lives. Those things are emotional labor because she has to do them because they don't matter to him.

danielnogo · 2023-08-16T05:10:58+00:00

Ugh I hate these kinds of terms, they're basically terms narcissist use to justify not lending an empathetic ear to the people around them. Same as complaining about "trauma dumping." Like sorry j thought you were someone I could lean on for support, I'll remember next time that you're a frigid bitch that only wants to think about herself.

IceCSundae · 2023-08-16T22:36:43+00:00

You could probably figure it out on your own with a simple google search.

local_meme_dealer45 · 2023-08-16T23:44:11+00:00

wtf does that even mean?

As far as I can tell, it means actually putting in time and effort into a relationship.

Title	I am still trying to figure out what "emotional labor" means.
Author	asf666
Upvotes	260
Comments	142
Date	August 15, 2023 3:25 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/15rvsea/i_am_still_trying_to_figure_out_what_emotional/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/i-am-still-trying-to-figure-out-what-emotional.1228562 https://theredarchive.com/post/1228562

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