Settling - something is better than nothing

noafrochamplusamurai · 2023-09-18T19:03:05+00:00

I would never settle, and wouldn't be in a relationship with someone I thought settled for me. Those relationships aren't happy, and they're doomed to fail. It's inhumane to be in a relationship with someone that you can't be happy with, or provide happiness for. Let them be with someone that can love them better.

grillopie · 2023-09-18T19:04:27+00:00

Everyone settles in some respect from some hypothetical, ideal partner. Your “first choice” likely isnt real, doesnt exist.

But your definition of settling is too much. “Something is better than nothing” is not so much settling for a few unwanted traits than straight up not liking the other person but liking loneliness even less. Thats a pretty bad idea.

towerofcheeeeza · 2023-09-18T19:07:56+00:00

I wouldn't settle and I definitely wouldn't want to be the one settled for. I would rather be single than know that the person I'm with would rather be with someone else. That would destroy my mental health and self esteem. And I would never want to subject someone else to that either.

thetruthishere_ · 2023-09-18T19:15:31+00:00

Something better than nothing, cringe.

Shasta_Soldier · 2023-09-18T19:31:58+00:00

Settling... a recipe for cheating or divorce.

The real match comes along just after the settling takes place. The person that was settled for doesn't have much reason to be enthusiastic about the relationship. When they meet someone who ...really... wants them, many times they bail.

Justwannaread3 · 2023-09-18T19:19:48+00:00

I would not settle and I don’t believe that “something is better than nothing” when it comes to romantic relationships.

I don’t believe I’ve settled and I am confident my partner would say the same. I would never want to be his “second choice.”

I believe one pertinent factor is that partners who are in love, commit to each other, and choose to develop their relationship become even more “right” for each other as time passes. There’s no one more “right” for me than my boyfriend is because of the investment we’ve made in each other, the history we share, and the way our love has grown.

onion_rings_addict · 2023-09-18T20:01:03+00:00

I can understand the initial feeling of settling.

You meet someone and they don't check all the boxes but you continue to date them because something is better than nothing.

BUT THEN I discover the person checks many other hidden boxes I didn't know I needed to be checked.

So what initially started as "settling" transforms into HVM

I would never want someone to settle with me, that's horrible.

chicdarling · 2023-09-18T22:23:30+00:00

For me, I disagree that something is better than nothing. I would much rather be alone than in an unhappy relationship or be with someone I don't really like/fancy/whatever the problem is. I enjoy my life, my own company and freedom, I won't give it up for just anything.

MrBrittle · 2023-09-18T23:23:24+00:00

I only drink clean water. However, if one day I feel extremely thirsty, and only have dirty water to drink, I will probably risk drinking it, depending on how dirty the water is. In this paragraph I'm talking about WATER.
Well... I wouldn't accept being the boyfriend of a woman who sees me as tolerable dirty water, who drinks me with a look of disgust, while dreaming of other water that she sees as cold and drinkable. In this paragraph I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT WATER.

SianOiseau · 2023-09-18T19:16:34+00:00

It can be an acceptable choice as long as you're both mature and honest enough to be open about it with each other and you can deal with resentment towards it. So...most people probably couldn't/wouldn't be able to accept it or make it work long-term.

It isn't the option I'd choose myself. My initial plan was to have a kid on my own - as that's what my mother did (although accidently) and what worked the best among our close social circle, so I guess if I haven't met the right person, I'd just go ahead with this plan when I had a good enough financial situation. If I had financial issues, I'd consider co-parenting with a gay couple, for example.

I wouldn't want to be settled for. Whether we want it or not, the way we treat our partner depends on the way we think about it, so if they didn't view me as a person they love but rather a person they have to be with, they probably wouldn't treat me that well. So...no.

Forsaken_Dragonfly66 · 2023-09-18T19:30:37+00:00

Contrary to popular belief, most people settle to some degree. I believe that this is due to a combination of loneliness and necessity.

People don't want to be alone. We are social creatures. Most of us will never meet or have the opportunity to be with our "ideal" soulmate partner, so we "settle" for someone who we enjoy and meets our needs on a basic level. Life is also really expensive to do alone, so sometimes shacking up meets a financial need. Sometimes people want children/a family.

I don't actually think there is anything wrong with "settling" for someone who you may not feel a "spark" for, but whom you still enjoy. I think it's pragmatic. Marriage is a social contract and was originally not really about romancd and sparks at all, but about....making life easier.

However, I have known people in awful relationships just because they couldn't bear to be alone which is a whole other story.

Barneysparky · 2023-09-18T21:17:49+00:00

Do you know what I won't settle for?

Being accused of thoughts I have never had or things I never did.

In every negative relationship, the common thread has been the above. One time it was being accused of flushing tampons, when I'd never worn a tampon in my life, there were no tampons in the house, we did groceries together and had never bought tampons.

Being in a relationship with someone with insecure attachment, who looks to blame others for their own mishaps is hell. It's not "settling" it's signing up to have a person in your life 18 hours a day everyday who is unpleasant to be around and eventually makes you as unpleasant and miserable as themselves.

jha_avi · 2023-09-19T13:50:00+00:00

I don't think any woman will ever truly desire me. I earn decently for my age and I think if a woman is ever gonna be with me it will be because her first or second or even third choice didn't work out. Even though I'm not okay with it, I don't have a choice. I'm 24 years old and never had a girl like me. It just crushes me sometimes. How is it that no one likes me?

Independent_Score217 · 2023-09-20T08:08:08+00:00

I've had something, and after 7 years of lonely marriage followed by divorce, I can say with certainty that nothing was much, MUCH better.

h1shman · 2023-09-18T19:21:32+00:00

Settling is ok as none of us here probably fly around in private jets. However problems arise when you settle to avoid unhappiness vs settle to gain happiness.

Settling with someone to avoid being lonely isn’t the same as settling with someone who brings you happiness even though you might think their smile is a little goofy and they have a flat ass.

purplish_possum · 2023-09-18T19:34:03+00:00

Everyone settles. People who say they don't are deluding themselves.

crushmynutsplz · 2023-09-18T22:00:01+00:00

I think "settling" is the wrong way to frame it. Instead, it's about learning to be happy with what you have (or rather, what you can get). The bottom line with the current dating marketplace is this: men and women have a huge mismatch in terms of the options available to them, so you should find the best thing you can get for yourself, but don't expect to date someone who ticks all the boxes on your stupid checklist.

The reality is that nobody is perfect, no one will make you happy if you can't figure out how to just appreciate what you've got, and a little gratitude goes a long way.

One-Introduction-566 · 2023-09-18T19:55:06+00:00

Imo everyone settles. Maybe not consciously but you obviously aren’t going to get some perfect partner. Someone is going to be hotter or richer or funnier or xyz. Relationships require compromise and sacrifice. I don’t expect whoever marries me to see me as perfect or the most amazing/beautiful woman ever. Just cause you love someone doesn’t mean there isn’t some settling involved. It’s not that something is better than nothing but that something is good enough to choose to settle for. Shared goals, attraction, etc.

However, if you both foster your relationship and choose to love each other through thick and thin, you can become soulmates and have your relationship blossom into something amazing you wouldn’t trade for anything.

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anonymous375555 · 2023-09-18T21:32:01+00:00

I don’t think setting is bad. I think settling is coming to terms with your own mortality and other people mortality. Truly understanding that there are no gods on that damned land.

baiser_vole · 2023-09-18T22:43:19+00:00

Is the partner a good partner when we leave out the superficial qualities? If so, I may agree. If not, no way.

Operatesinreality · 2023-09-19T02:36:23+00:00

I am not the type of person that people settle for. So, I cannot even imagine.

I would also not settle, don't date people who settle and in my view it would be unfair to the person.

Unhappy-Yak-8648 · 2023-09-19T03:44:02+00:00

Wouldn't want anyone settling for me. Ready to go it all alone.

InjectAdrenochrome · 2023-09-19T05:05:35+00:00

Idk I treat my dating life like improv/jazz. I just kind of end up in relationships with people I meet naturally and get a feel for. I don't think of ppl as "upgrades" or "downgrades". In fact even if I'm single in my late 20s, post wall I'll still prefer to play it by ear.

If there ever comes a point where I can't meet someone serendipitously I will probably just stop dating all together.

Ppl apparently go around with a checklist to fill out and find someone who "ticks enough boxes" I think those ppl are more likely to settle. "OH he only makes 80k not 6 figures but I'm getting old" or whatever.

I mostly date bum guys though who are insane and have issues so my advice only works for me.

sweetbrown89 · 2023-09-19T09:10:01+00:00

I don’t have a lot of demands when it comes to a guy…most guys just aren’t it

So I don’t settle, because I don’t need a relationship with someone I’m not into

MrQuiteLimited9 · 2023-09-19T13:58:03+00:00

Settling has taken on a new meaning with the invention of social media and dating apps. You have access to so many people these days that, even though most are not realistic options, you can think you are settling when it actuality that’s the best you can get.

shmupsy · 2023-09-19T14:31:19+00:00

Mutual settling is a thing and it's the way to go

CryptoThroway8205 · 2023-09-19T15:49:30+00:00

Everyone settles. You can't go to build a boyfriend workshop. Maybe there's some celeb fanatics that are so obsessed with a celeb they marry a cardboard cutout of that celeb that wouldn't be settling.

throwaway316stunner · 2023-09-19T19:36:49+00:00

I’m 32m, straight, autistic, never been on a date.

Yeah, I’ll take settling. Something IS really better than nothing.

MarjieJ98354 · 2023-09-20T19:19:10+00:00

I think for most people, the term settling is equivalent to "coming to your senses". Let say a woman has a threshold of not dating a man without job. If he has a job, he must make over 100k or at least more than her. It's unrealistic for most women to get and keep a man like that. So she meets a man that checks all her attraction boxes, but he only makes 40k. Is that going to be a deal breaker? What about all the short men are discriminated against maniacs? If he's 5'4" but meet all a women attraction boxes, will a 5'7" woman pass him over? I think in the case of short men, there is something else keeping them from dating than shortness. But whatever.

One-Store2972 · 2023-09-20T22:18:38+00:00

I don’t have high standards but if a women settles for my height or some of my trait, I would feel fucking hurt. I know there will always be someone better than me, but to know that person “settled” for me, like I’m a half decent plate of dinner, I’d rather stay single. I am probably going to stay single knowing that a chick will probably settle for my height

63daddy · 2023-09-21T00:51:21+00:00

I disagree. If a relationship is mostly compromising what you want rather than expanding opportunities, then why do it?

Related, one can not marry and have meaningful relationships, but end them without cost when and if they become a negative.

Uglypostwall · 2023-09-21T04:01:30+00:00

I thought of settling due to my lower value in the dating marketplace, but I couldn't. I just can't.It wouldn't be fair for guys too

Title	Settling - something is better than nothing
Author	Objective_Ad_6265
Upvotes	9
Comments	61
Date	September 18, 2023 6:51 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/16m3szu/settling_something_is_better_than_nothing/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/settling-something-is-better-than-nothing.1232249 https://theredarchive.com/post/1232249

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