Using a new account as family/friends know my main.

My ex (40) and I(41) were married for 15 years. We had an amazing relationship and marriage. We never fought or argued. Even after nearly 2 decades and 2 children together, we still had wild, toe curling sex at least 5-6 times a week, sometimes 2-3 times a day. She was never jealous or possessive. We truly did have a unicorn relationship that is so rare nowdays. She was my best friend and truly the kindest and funniest person I have ever met. I never once worried about her being unfaithful even though guys would break their neck to look at her (5’10, 145 pounds,she looks exactly like Monica belluci but has bright blue eyes and honest to god looks better at 40 than she did at 20. She used to model and had offers to go big time but turned it down to focus on academics). I knew she was my soulmate the moment I laid eyes on her and I never thought in a million years we would ever separate.

So what went wrong? In March 2020, my parents passed away unexpectedly in a car accident. I was gutted. I turned to alcohol and before I knew it, I was drinking a fifth of whiskey a day and more. I became cold and distant. I snapped at her and the kids over every little thing. Between the drinking and depression, the sex and affection completely stopped. Anytime she initiated or brought it up, I would shut down further. When she brought up getting help, I would just snap at her. (Just want to point out I was never violent or anything, just snappy). This went on for a year and all came crashing down one night. I was beyond loaded and was holding our 4 year old daughter and fell down the stairs with her. I cracked a few ribs and she suffered a broken wrist and concussion. It was the worst night of my life. My ex gave me an ultimatum, get help for the drinking and depression or she was filing for divorce. She said she was tired of her and the kids constantly being on edge and walking on eggshells around me and she wasn’t going to wait around for one of our kids to get seriously hurt because I was drunk. I would like to say this is where I realized I had a problem and changed course but instead I doubled down and insisted I didn’t have a problem and the fall had nothing to due with my drinking. She filed the next week.

Our divorce was about as good as you can get. She didn’t go after anything even though she could have gotten about 2mil from my retirement, another chunk from the equity from our investment properties, child support, alimony, etc . She gave me the properties and the only thing she asked for was to keep the house for the sake of the kids and that we split everything involving the kids 50/50. We didn’t get lawyers or anything involved. Since then, we have coparented with no issues whatsoever the last 2 years

After the divorce, I spiraled even further. The drinking got worse. I was having one night stands galore. I was angry at the world.I felt like she had given up on me when I needed her the most. I finally hit rock bottom when I got a dui and it suddenly hit me that I did have a problem and needed help. I went to rehab and got sober and got therapy to help with the grief of losing my parents. I’m one year sober and im in such better place. Looking back at my actions and how everything went down, it honestly feels like someone else. I feel like my old self again.

Words cannot describe how much I miss my family. I was such a fool and ruined everything. Every time I see her, it’s a punch to the gut and I’m reminded what I gave up. Every time we go to an activity for one of the kids and some douche breaks his neck to look at her or cat calls her, I have to hold my tongue and remember she is not my wife anymore. Even my buddy, who is a cynic after going through an ugly divorce with an absolute witch of a woman, told me I am an absolute idiot for letting her go. I’ve heard from mutual friends she hasn’t even gone out on a date since we split (and I know there no way she hasn’t had a million offers). I just want her and my family back but I know I fucked it all up. She’s always cordial with me me but is indifferent. I want to try and reconcile but I’m scared it’s too late and maybe should just leave things the way they are. I just feel so lost