Is settling a widespread common occurence?

toasterchild · 2024-02-22T14:24:08+00:00

Do people simply not realize that of course relationships were more fun and amazing when you had no real-life adult responsibilities and shit to get in the way? That person who was amazing as a teen probably has all sorts of shit that gets in their way as an adult. If this is how it's going its not the "settling" that is the problem its comparing that is the problem.

SlothMonster9 · 2024-02-22T11:38:32+00:00

The perfect person does not exist. You marry the one closest to your ideal
Settling could merely be compromising on a few things. The key is not compromising on too many things that you ruin your chance of happiness
An ex is an ex for a reason. It doesn't matter if they found him/her more attractive, their relationship did not work, they were not a good fit together
It's weird that you think attraction alone is enough to keep the marriage happy and fulfilled. Even Chad and Stacy can grow appart, piss off each other and get divorced. A good relationship takes conscious effort from both sides.
Everybody remembers their first crush because during teenage years all feelings and emotions are dialed all the way up and this gives intensity to every emotional experience. It's not because the crush was the best, it's because teenagers are essentially wearing rose colored glasses

SmallSituation6432 · 2024-02-22T09:48:00+00:00

I just don't see the value in disregarding the concept of time or circumstance when deciding what counts as settling. So what if (with the benefit of hindsight and rose colored glasses) you feel you loved a gf from 5 years ago more. Shits done, you can't go back in time. That doesn't mean you're settling, it means you understand time exists and circumstances change.

Gravel_Roads · 2024-02-22T12:45:41+00:00

In real life, the human brain isn't static, nor is it set to only crave "the one best". You adjust to whatever is currently going on.

ie, If I eat a cake, and that cake is the most delicious cake I ever had, I don't suddenly NOT like cake for the rest of my life because it will NEVER be as good as that one cake.

ON TOP OF THAT: If the most delicious cake I ever ate was chocolate, but I'm not in the MOOD for chocolate, it doesn't matter how delicious that chocolate cake was - If I am in the mood for birthday cake, ANY birthday cake will be better than that delicious chocolate cake I had years ago.

To apply that to sex and arousal: Once you HAVE sex enough to get used to it, you want sex that you're in the mood for, which changes based on the day and your energy level. You aren't always pathetically trying to get back to that one time you had the best sex and perpetually being disapponited if you don't.

When I'm sleepy, the BEST sex is slow, lazy, groping sex with long make-out sessions and lots of breaks for snuggles and nuzzles. When I'm feeling extra pervy, I wanna do a lot of mouth and finger stuff. When I'm MANIC, I want us both wearing COSTUMES and we're gonna fuck in front of an open window!

It is extremely rare for someone to be in the middle of sex and only be filled with remourse because it's not AS GOOD as that other time you had sex 7 years ago. People would stop having sex if it was that easy to be disappointed.

wtknight · 2024-02-22T12:19:13+00:00

I believe this to be true for both men and women. I still think about my first love and what had felt magical at that time. She was unique (she objectively is one of a kind).

I don't know why people think that there first or second relationship was so great. If it was so great, then why did these people end up breaking up? Every subsequent relationship I've had was better than the last one I was in because I knew what I waned more and was therefore able to choose that.

I think most pepole are like that, which is why I don't think that settling is a common occurrence. On the other hand, I do think that people "settle" somewhat in that nobody is perfect compatible, and whomever one ends up with is going to have some faults.

Lift_and_Lurk · 2024-02-22T14:27:42+00:00

What one person calls “settling” others call “realizing realistic expectations while also learning what really important to you”

An 18 year old man might only be into “IG model hot women” and only chase them. Only to find that his options are limited, he gets rejected by the majority, and the one or two he manages to date are actually self-absorbed people that don’t really treat him like he has any value other than what she can get from him.

And so at 25 he meets a woman who isn’t “IG model hot” but she’s really pretty to him still, they have the same values, she treats him well and he can’t stop thinking about how happy she makes him feel when they are together.

Did he settle? Or did he figure out what’s really important to him?

If the only goal is to “have the hot girl on his arm that make everyone jealous” then those who think that will say he “settled”

If the goal is to find someone that makes him happy and his life better. Then he didn’t settle at all

Gitsumrestmf · 2024-02-22T10:27:00+00:00

We expect our next to be better than our previous ones. When we commit, we feel like we are settling.

I think this alone proves there's no such thing as "settling", unless you want to call literally every committed relationship "settling".

If you try to find "the best", no one will EVER be good enough for you. Even if you think that way at the beginning, you'll begin doubting the relationship as soon as the novelty wears off, or you get into your first real argument.

And yeah, I do know that many people (mainly in the west) actually date like that. And it's basically everything that's wrong with modern dating. Why? Because it shows you don't give a single F about the person you are dating. After all, you are looking for your "best". You never really commit. You treat everyone as expendable.

Planthoe30 · 2024-02-22T09:58:34+00:00

If settling is not marrying the person you are most attracted too wouldn’t 90% of people have to settle? I mean growing up the man I found most attractive doesn’t and will never exist. Most men growing up (in my generation at least) were obsessed with Megan Fox pre-lip injections. I don’t understand the purpose of comparing ourselves to an ideal and pretending this is a healthy way of thinking.

Also you don’t really sound over your ex. Like I can appreciate having some good times with them sure but that was not even close to my best relationship.

literaryhogwartian · 2024-02-22T10:52:12+00:00

Not in my experience. My friends who are married ( as I am) wed the person they really loved.

That__EST · 2024-02-22T11:34:41+00:00

I think the lack of commitment is having dated too much. We expect our next to be better than our previous ones. When we commit, we feel like we are settling.

I disagree. I have had a lot of dating experience and I am married now and have been for over a decade. There are good and bad times in my marriage. But I am under no false illusion that the world is just teeming with amazing partners who could be better for me.

On the other hand, I know women friends in real life who married their first love and are seriously considering bailing on the relationship when they encounter a situation that IMO is workable with communication and realistic expectations. But they're under the impression that these lows in their marriage to totally decent men are the worst it can get. And lol no, they're definitely not. But they have no bad relationships to compare anything to. So in their minds, they could totally leave their decent husbands and quickly find a man who is even better!

As of now, I encourage people to date and get a low N count and then marry absolutely no later than 27, but between 23-27, and engaged by 25. I also believe that having met your future spouse by the age of 21 is best. Not necessarily having dated them that long, but having a history with them by that point seems to be best. FOMO is real.

scottmtb · 2024-02-22T15:58:26+00:00

Everyone settles

Green-Quantity1032 · 2024-02-22T19:12:08+00:00

Do drive the car you most want?

Do you live in the best house you can imagine?

Do you even live in the best city you think there is?

You do what you can, and most don't even feel the need to optimize very much, and a lot are still pretty content with their choices.

If by settling you mean actually marrying someone you feel isn't a good choice, then I guess that's more rare (but I'd guess more common for women than men unfortunately).

If OTOH you mean, "not the best" - then yeah, everyone settles.

TermAggravating8043 · 2024-02-22T10:36:34+00:00

I don’t mean to be rude mate, but that’s a rather immature view of relationships and I suggest your not over your ex either.

Attraction is a surface level emotion and it’s not enough to maintain a relationship past a few conversations. relationships that last go past attraction to deeper emotions and both parties are more likely to work to maintain them.

Most people aren’t with their “firsts” because they lost attraction to them, it’s usually cause you find out your not compatible as a couple or you have different goals or you just outgrow each other.

You need to remember while we are mammals we’re not animals, attraction helps us in mating but we require deeper connections in anything serious

vimsoparafazerraiva · 2024-02-22T12:45:49+00:00

99.9% of people won't marry the person they are most attracted to. Even if you do, you won't be physically attracted to them forever. We get older. We age. It happens to everyone. Usually after you go through a few relationships, you learn more about yourself and about what you want more from your partner and a relationship. Maturity, stability, and emotional intelligence goes a long way when you are get with some long term.

dabbydab · 2024-02-22T16:41:08+00:00

I feel like this is a symptom of FOMO mentality. Like "how can I possibly be happy with what I have when something better could be just a swipe away"

waffleznstuff30 · 2024-02-22T17:37:40+00:00

I don't think of it as settling.

Dating is a not one size fits all universal approach to it. Relationships and people are varying. You may meet someone who you would not notice typically but due to proximity or something you are like whoa they are cool I kinda dig it. It's not this rigid this is it and anything that isn't this is just not going to work.

You can't control another person and materialize a perfect partner. No one even the most idealistic version of what a perfect person is doesn't exist there will be settling in some way. As long as they have at least the trifecta (you are physically into them, mentally into them, emotionally safe with them). It's not settling if someone at least meets that criteria. They may not have the same interests as you but it's cool because they encourage you to go do your hobbies.

OmoshiroiKudamono · 2024-02-22T10:02:22+00:00

By the definition you gave, it would be very widespread. If it is simply by someone they were the most attracted to, then of course they are settling. If they "dated" a 9, then every other "relationship" will be less than.

My definition is that setting is getting significantly less, let's say -2 points of one's SMV. If someone gets with someone of equal status, it is NOT "setting." It is getting what you can afford. Just because someone rented a Ferrari for a day doesn't make them Ferrari worthy. The person above their level found better.

The problem with the definition is that it fails to account for people "punching UP." Of course that 9/10 Chad-Rone or that 10/10 e-girl or college cheerleader is the best they had. But we don't measure dates, hookups, situationships, or whatever relationship type.

For women, did the man marry you? For men, does she TRULY find you s3ggually attractive? Duty s3ggs and/or pitu s3ggs doesn't count.

A lot of times, people think they are better than they are. Just because Chad-Rone slept with her does NOT make a 4 a 9. Just because the e-girl "foodie-called" a Basic Bob doesn't make him a 9/10 Chad-Rone.

januaryphilosopher · 2024-02-22T11:21:09+00:00

Someone being memorable or unique doesn't mean they have to be your first choice. Absolutely terrible relationships can be very unique and memorable. Our first relationships are often both memorable and terrible as they're exciting and we don't have a clue what we're doing or what we want. There's a reason why they end.

spanglesandbambi · 2024-02-22T11:21:47+00:00

Could some of what's seen as settling also be a change in what we are looking for.

I might get shit for this, so bear with me. My husband is not the most attractive man I've been with (he has said this himself). However, he is the man I love the most and is still very attractive. What you want from a long-term relationship is very different from a quick fumble.

My husband has a bunch of qualities that in my eyes make him far more attractive than his face, which is going to change as we age anyway.

Silver_Past2313 · 2024-02-22T16:44:05+00:00

Everyone settles. I want the perfect girl. Can't get the perfect girl, so I settle.

TRTGymBro · 2024-02-22T17:40:52+00:00

I dare you to find a person who married the love of their life. People usually marry the runner up.

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jverveslayer · 2024-02-22T11:01:11+00:00

I have talked to a number of girls and it seems a lot of times their most memorable person is their first/second even if she had 8+ relationships at this point.

I felt emotions more strongly in general when I was younger. The first time you fall in love just hits harder than the next. But I date "better" women now and have higher standards. I like my current gf better than any other one I've had before her (and will still feel that way long after we've broken up)

In a way, most people have to settle. If you don't have the genetics to be exceptionally beautiful, then you probably won't have an exceptionally beautiful partner. If you're poor, you probably won't marry a multi-millionaire. So you just search for the best attainable person according to your values

Objective_Ad_6265 · 2024-02-22T12:27:55+00:00

I'm afraid it's common. I will never forget my magical ONE, he wasn't first, it's not about "first love". And I'm alone ever since rather than settle for someone who doesn't compare.

Safinated · 2024-02-22T12:30:21+00:00

Yes, obviously

obviousredflag · 2024-02-22T13:22:07+00:00

If you think you could do better, DO BETTER or STFU.

It's highly unlikely that the first partner is the best you could do or the one who leads to the best, most satisfying relationship. Marrying your first love is a rookie mistake and generally considered to be a bad move.

"most memorable" is not "most attracted to". Why would you ask a question that doesn't even fit your own definition of settling?

Nobody marries their first choice, as those people do not exist or are not interested in marrying them.

kochIndustriesRussia · 2024-02-22T13:30:18+00:00

It is the standard practice. Most people will argue that they didn't settle...that they married the love of their life....but they know the truth and it comes out in how they talk to their partner... how little sex they have...the resentment they feel toward their partner at times. It's all because they never genuinely "loved" the person they married. That person was a means to an end...that end usually being getting a baby for women. And for men it's usually when the woman has a house or other material possessions that make it very attractive to marry into and co-own.

Few-Laugh-6508 · 2024-02-22T13:51:19+00:00

If you aren't marrying your first choice and instead settling, you shouldn't get married. No one deserves to be a consolation prize.

bluestjuice · 2024-02-22T16:14:51+00:00

I think this question highlights a huge semantic problem with the very concept of settling, which is that people use the word in very different ways.

If the definition of settling is “enters a committed relationship that is great and satisfying and fits your needs and desires now, while simultaneously holding nostalgic memories for a past relationship that was remarkable for its intensity,” then I think you’re just describing something that is part of the human condition. I continue to be wistful about friendships that existed at certain periods of my life, apartments I used to live in, hell, versions of my past self. I’m pretty sure everybody experiences this to some degree. This can be healthy (if you have a sense of the overall goodness of your current life as well as acceptance of the transitory nature of parts of life) or very unhealthy (if you are preoccupied on a fantasy of the past and it hinders your engagement and appreciation of the present).

If your definition of settling is “has a strong current preference for a particular person but can’t be with them so instead commits to someone else who doesn’t really satisfy you but meets some of your needs,” then I think that probably happens relatively infrequently and is more likely to show up as a rebound relationship than a marriage.

cromulent_weasel · 2024-02-22T18:09:50+00:00

By settling I mean marrying the person you are not most attracted to.

I mean, I'm not married to Natalie Dormer.......

8won6 · 2024-02-22T18:53:13+00:00

It's amazing how much people flipflop and pick-&-choose when physical attraction matters. If men talk about physical attraction it's shallow and/or misogynistic, when women talk about physical attraction it's "we shouldn't be forced to settle".

Life isn't fair, you don't just get everything you want. You are going have to ~~settle~~ compromise. Marriage and kids are supposed to be about picking the partner that matches up with your values and will be a good person to co-parent with. Not this selfish ass "what i'm attracted to" bullshit I see on this sub all the time from women.

MiddleZealousideal89 · 2024-02-22T19:03:54+00:00

Settling in terms of realizing that the perfect man/woman you made up in your head doesn't exist, and you end up with a human being who is overall pretty great but also has flaws because they're human, and we all have flaws? I'm sure it happens a lot.

Settling in terms of begrudgingly dating/marrying a man/woman you think is beneath you but they're better than nothing? I'm sure it happens but I don't think most people would want to stay in a relationship like that for a long time. Or, at the very least, their partners won't want to stay in a relationship with someone who barely tolerates them.

Conservative_Persona · 2024-02-23T15:31:30+00:00

My husband is not perfect of course, but it doesn’t matter because we have been together 20+ years and we now are so interconnected and have so much history and bonds that it would be just as inconceivable to not be together as go no contact with my kids. My kids are not perfect either and I love them with all my heart, just like my not perfect husband. I think nobody is perfect, but some relationships gets better and better, you grow together and some relationships gets worse. And you should know what type of relationship before you have kids.

Title	Is settling a widespread common occurence?
Author	DFVSoldHisOptions
Upvotes	8
Comments	123
Date	February 22, 2024 9:43 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1ax2lbl/is_settling_a_widespread_common_occurence/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/is-settling-a-widespread-common-occurence.1246095 https://theredarchive.com/post/1246095

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