I think some people don’t realize they don’t love their partner until they end the relationship and experience somebody they truly desire

Downtown_Cat_1173 · 2024-07-10T12:50:41+00:00

Since when is Joseph Gordon Levitt average?

gusGus86_ · 2024-07-10T12:56:38+00:00

Love and lust are 2 very different things.

My bet, that new dude won’t be around very long.

So which is better?

nikolala · 2024-07-10T13:19:19+00:00

I think that I lot of new generation men and women doesn't know what love is and materialism suck the soul out of them.

Flightlessbirbz · 2024-07-10T13:53:35+00:00

I agree with the title, but the example is not good. There’s something called new relationship energy, so you can’t compare the two or expect the new relationship energy to last. And… since when is Joseph Gordon Levitt average looking?

I have experienced this in my own life, but in the form of a difference in personality compatibility. When I got with my first long-term serious boyfriend in college, we were all over each other, becoming official very soon, PDA, making everyone sick type stuff.lol But we were just excited to have someone, I was really shy and he wasn’t much of a talker, so we didn’t really have much in the way of conversations. The sex was frequent but not good. And it turned out we didn’t have a lot in common, so the relationship was ultimately empty, and we were more in love with the idea of being in love.

Took things a lot slower with my current partner, the spark was clearly there, but we didn’t rush into a relationship. Almost four years later, we’re still very much in love even though we’ve had our ups and downs.

So, as I said before, I agree with the premise, but it’s way too soon to tell if she’s actually in love with this guy.

Objective_Ad_6265 · 2024-07-10T14:25:06+00:00

That's true in my experience. I had relationships before but only after experiencing the love of my love I realized I never loved my previous partners, I only "loved" having a relationship, not being alone, they were replacable for that purpose. But I can't replace the last one, the true love one, I love HIM, not the idea of having a relationship and not being alone, HIM. Settling for the sake of being alone is no longer an option after experiencing the real thing.

I was contemplating the idea that I might be asexual before, I didn't really enjoy sex, I didn't mind it, it didn't cause me any pain, but it was more of just a duty, it was expected so I did it. But with the real one I turned out hypersexual. Probably demisexual (demi means you don't feel sexual attraction unless you have deep emotional connection) but hypersexual.

Yes, people who haven't actually experienced it don't realize they are settling and they genuinely mistake "love" for having a relationships and not being alone for real love.

But this is just my personal experience that fits your theory.

DietTyrone · 2024-07-10T14:22:08+00:00

Why even mention the demi sexual dribble? She found a better looking guy and decided to monkeybranch to that. Seems pretty self explanatory.

You're overcomplicated something that isn't that complicated. Some people see an opportunity to trade up and they take it.

Throwaway47294746047 · 2024-07-10T12:50:07+00:00

I mean yeah many people are only able to interpret experiences through their own frame of reference so if they had a mid relationship but it was the best they ever had at the time they would think it’s the ideal. Till they meet someone else later on who provides more, and that recontextualizes their past experiences. That’s just how growing as a person and building off interactions between past and new experiences works.

AntonioSLodico · 2024-07-10T17:52:59+00:00

Showing PDA and love/desire are two different things.
Our social media accounts are projections of what we want people to see about us. Not our full messy lives.
NRE is a thing. Almost no one stays like that for the long haul.
This might just be her trying to make her ex jealous. Or a rebound where she is trying to convince herself and others that she isn't depressed AF about her relationship ending. We don't know.
I'm a straight dude, but I have eyes. Joseph Gordon Levitt is a damn fine looking man. Your rating system for men should be recalibrated if you want to state it as objective fact.

thelajestic · 2024-07-10T12:56:36+00:00

quite average looking, kinda resembling Joseph Gordan Levitt

Um excuse me, JGL is a stone cold hottie

But yes, I do think a lot of people get in relationships because it's what they think they want (or they just feel the need to be partnered up) and don't really realise there could be someone they're better suited to, and it might actually be better to not be in a relationship at all than be with someone not very suitable. Isn't that the whole basis of why a lot of guys on here want very young and inexperienced women? In the hopes that they'll just put up with a sub par relationship because they don't know any better?

leosandlattes · 2024-07-10T13:24:14+00:00

How much of this girl’s current behavior is because the relationship is new? She could have done these things when she started dating her ex- you don’t know all the intimate details about her life and relationships.

But also, love and lust are very different things. And while I suspect you are correct in that people don’t know what “xyz” feels like until they get it, I wouldn’t say there’s necessarily an absence of love there. Just an absence of deep lust.

RubyDiscus · 2024-07-10T14:28:35+00:00

I think in this case she is just more sexually attracted to the new guy. Also the brain chemicals etc from new relationships is way stronger than in the old one prob. Unless they tried deliberately to keep the spark on purpose. That requires a lot of effort. Like constant dates and romantic things.

Perhaps with the old partner she was less attracted to him or just started building resentment over unmet needs. Who knows

LevelCaterpillar1830 · 2024-07-10T12:39:22+00:00

she also suspected she was kinda demi sexual

she got together with a new guy, very tall and good looking

Lol. Lmao, even.

Disregarding this instance of hypocrisy, yes, that's simply how human relationships work.

When you like someone, but then you like someone else more, because they bring more to the table in terms of desirable traits, then naturally "the spark" is going to start pointing itself towards the better, more desirable target.

That's just life.

Bikerbats · 2024-07-10T20:55:07+00:00

You're completely misreading this. You've just discovered that infatuation is heady. That's hardly ground-breaking dude.

Ppdebatesomental · 2024-07-11T00:52:06+00:00

she also suspected she was kinda demi sexual

Here’s a theory, new guy is better in bed. First guy I ever seriously dated was 25, I was 20. He had been married, slept with tons of women, and I just assumed he was good in bed. He assumed he was good in bed too. I think that was the problem.

My ex of 7 years was a virgin and within a very short time, our sex life was light years ahead of my first bf. I went from thinking sex was nice to literally not being able to think of anything else. It wasn’t chemistry exactly or how “in love” I was. It was just so much better sex

januaryphilosopher · 2024-07-10T12:45:26+00:00

Who are you to decide the entire inner workings of this woman's brain or her true desires? Do you even know anything about her relationships beyond obvious external presentation (which may be compensating for something)? Why are you deciding for other people what they do and don't realise or who they do and don't love?

nikolala · 2024-07-10T13:29:41+00:00

It is funny how media brainwashed many people that settling is necessarily a bad thing. The grass is greener mentality is all over us. lol

SaBahRub · 2024-07-10T14:28:22+00:00

Who says she loves the sex object ?

MistyMaisel · 2024-07-10T16:00:28+00:00

I think there's probably some kind of truth to what you're saying. The complexity being that if you never find someone else who causes more for you, then you aren't settling. This complexity is compounded by the fact that on some level there's probably always someone better in some facet, but that doesn't mean they'd actually be better for you. Which is compounded even more by the complexity of love v. lust and a new relationship v an established one.

DissociativeRuin · 2024-07-10T16:20:15+00:00

I think our governments especially prey on Maslow's hiearchy and the desire for self individuation.

The whole problem is that everyone wants to become individuated but you can't do that if you have a lack of freedom to to do so.

truth-informant · 2024-07-10T19:57:35+00:00

But he loves me!

Purple_Kangaroo8549 · 2024-07-10T22:08:51+00:00

Love doesn't really exist.

Funstands4Funger · 2024-07-11T02:08:11+00:00

I imagine if you never fallen for someone it’s possible you might not realize you weren’t actually in love in hindsight

HippyWitchyVibes · 2024-07-11T13:05:25+00:00

Joseph Gordon Levitt is as hot as FUCK though. 😂

DBEternal · 2024-07-12T06:50:22+00:00

Yeah the reason most men are "bluepilled" is cause they don't understand women's actual physical desire and how blatant it is

when a woman actually legitimately physically desires a man she will be all over him physically, whereas with hubby schlubby or "BF material" they just stick with them cause they have the right major or something lol

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Comfortable-Wish-192 · 2024-07-10T13:36:00+00:00

And sometimes you know you’re settling in certain aspects ( 5’4” not attractive) for other things that are attractive about them. Stable, smart AF, over the moon for me, went to church…I could /did pull 9-10 guys but I’d chicken out sure they would cheat on me after a couple dates. We’d stay friends. Doctors are notorious cheaters. Fun to flirt with too risky to date attractive especially highly paid specialties ( I thought). You’ll get traded in at some point lol. I’m not a 10 by any means, I say 7 my guy friends say 8-9 with 9 hourglass body and full natural breasts . Body was a 10 but I’ve had three kids so boobs aren’t where they once were though still pretty amazing for my age lol. It’s more I’m smart and well read and they liked talking to me. About medicine, politics, meaning of life stuff sometimes with dying patients…and certain specialties shared values almost automatically. Pediatrics ( except surgeons and intensivists) and trauma surgeons many ex military. Just clicked ( navy brat). Super caring and highly skilled. And appreciate your skills. Great guys ( and one female bass ass). There aren’t many female surgeons it’s impossible to have kids with that lifestyle. Still friends with many 30 years later.

But to me security mattered more than money or sex appeal. And shared values. Especially about faith. That was important as I wanted kids. Love my kids but since my ex no Christian men. Spiritual yes! Misogynistic no! Part religion part his culture ( Asian).

My partner now treats me with respect and leans on me; such a juxtaposition. His ego is in check ( mostly he is a dude lol). He’s 6’2” with beautiful blue eyes and thinks I’m the bees knees. He’s not insecure. He WANTS to provide for me (and does we live in a beautiful home and he’s been bugging me to get a new car for three years, no thank you it works), but LOVES that I love my work. He’s in no way threatened if I get male attention. Opposite actually he’s like “ yep and she’s mine”.

My ugly ex cheated and abused me. Turned out he was very jealous and insecure. Flying with pro athletes gave him access to women…Threw a fit when I “ defied” him to go back to work after I weaned my daughter. Cheating wasn’t the hard part it was on trips. It was sex. It was the control and abuse. And stuck at home 24/7 with no help or relief.

PS The 10 reproductive endocrinologist who I set my close friend up with…didn’t cheat and is still happily married. And we are all still friends lol. And he teases me about it. She’s much prettier than I am.

Fear based decisions ( go for safe guy) don’t always turn out like you think. 😂🤷‍♀️Thought he’d feel “ lucky to have me” instead he was afraid of losing me which …in the end he did. So my motto now is date who you want no guarantees. If anything happens to him I’m going younger next time lol.

Gravel_Roads · 2024-07-10T13:41:21+00:00

I don't disagree, but this is definitely the sort of thing that happens more often when someone is just starting off dating.

It's not very polite, but in my social circle, just about every man I know has had what we call "the Starter Girlfriend". Which is a girl usually defined as generally any woman that's marginally attractive and willing to try dating (because at that age, not everyone is every ready to date yet.)

Mine was a cute nerd I met at a tabletop game in college. She had a good sense of humor and HUGE boobs, and we got along during the game, so I asked her out. She'd never had a partner and neither had I, and it definitely showed - we acted like kids, mostly went out and did things together but neither of us knew how to actually be "supportive" so we just kind of existed around each other and practiced making out and all the other fun stuff we'd never tried before.

But we were simply incompatible as people, and neither of us understood this because we were able to get along, we never fought. But very simply, she wanted a simple, stable life where she stayed in the same place and worked in the same stable job, while I wanted to TRAVEL and see new things and face challenges and have to fly by the seat of my pants and use my creativity.

So we broke up, I left Philly the same way I arrived: With everything I owned in the back of my car, and no plan but "DRIVE!"

Meanwhile, as far as I know, she's had the same desk job at a consulting company for the past 15 years, while I've traveled all over the country. Both of us win. Neither of us were in love.

Since then, I don't date people that have these sort of glaring inconsistencies because now I know that they're a waste of time and don't produce results that satisfy me.

volleyballbeach · 2024-07-10T15:45:28+00:00

Sounds like she was in love with dude 1 and in lust with dude 2

izzzy12k · 2024-07-10T17:46:58+00:00

That new fling or whatever, brings excitement to the idea of what the possibilities could be.. which in itself creates more desire.

People sometimes feel their current relationship has become stale cause life sets in and what not.

Not realizing they felt that same thing when them too.. and that's why they stayed with them.

It's a sad and vicious cycle to end up in, in my opinion. Too many people get hurt, and in many cases, that includes the person who thought the grass was greener with that new person.

Title	I think some people don’t realize they don’t love their partner until they end the relationship and experience somebody they truly desire
Author	Cjaylyle
Upvotes	19
Comments	95
Date	July 10, 2024 12:31 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1dzulta/i_think_some_people_dont_realize_they_dont_love/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/i-think-some-people-dont-realize-they-dont-love.1523829 https://theredarchive.com/post/1523829

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