Rewriting the past

RonJ103 · 2024-10-05T18:15:39+00:00

I see two possibilities. I believe both have been mentioned already.

She never liked the video games, but tolerated it and silently resented it all these years. Now that she's thinking about exiting the marriage, she no longer silently resents it, but openly regrets it is a significant force in her leaving. If this was never argued about all these years, it's highly unlikely it's the reason she wants to leave, but it's the reason that makes her look the best when stated out loud and publicly.

She never had an issue with the video games, but wants to leave for her own reasons that are possibly selfish and maybe for reasons that she is ashamed about. Well, that certainly will not do, so an acceptable reason needs to be found that doesn't make her feel bad.

apatrol · 2024-10-05T04:51:58+00:00

Any hobby should change a lot after a child. The household chores go up, parenting takes time, playing with kiddo takes time, work takes time, and taking care and loving your spouse takes time.

Something that could easily be an hour a day before a child could go to two hours on the weekend. Keep in mind though your spouse is following the baby around while you do that. She sees you do and after time will resent it.

OP take a long hard look at the amount of time you play vs available family time. It def could be you that's the problem.

You have a chance to avoid divorce which is something many of us wish we had avoided. Sit her down and ask what's going on. Does she resent the amount you play the times you play or even the lack of attention she could be getting when you play.

probebeta · 2024-10-05T03:11:36+00:00

I have an opinion but it's just an opinion. Before the kid her biological clock said yes to a baby with someone who can provide and has his stuff together more or less. Maybe her options were not that great then, needed some saving perhaps, so she was willing to overlook some things. Now she's done with babies, you may have lifted her status, and shes bored and looking for the next thing and she doesn't see it happening.

I think giving up stuff like videogames isn't a solution. That just tells her you're going to be a pushover, and she'll continue demanding more things, possibly losing respect for you as she gets them. I would lose some fat and look good, explore other hobbies, a purpose, things that are interesting to you, and invite her to join if we she wants to. If you're on your purpose I think she'll be less motivated to find Chad who's mountain biking all weekend and gives her no validation but would gladly bang her. If she doesn't respond to positive changes on you it might be a lost cause, but I think thats still the best way to get things on track.

Ni_koli · 2024-10-05T02:07:12+00:00

My ex wife went from saying oh baby I hope you never change, to our relationship was never healthy all within 12 months.

Once they pull.the divorce trigger, they basically retcon in an entirely different reality and overwrite the past to justify their shitty actions and lack of accountability/communication skills, both things I called her out on on so many occasions.

She wanted to me to just assume everything and get it right the first time instead of actually talking to me like an adult.

We can only control our own actions, I'd hate to ever have a female mind as it absolutely doesn't seem to have any logic in it at all

mercedeszzzz · 2024-10-04T19:54:51+00:00

Maybe she doesn’t man in his mid 40’s still playing video games. She’s already told you she doesn’t like it

THX1138-22 · 2024-10-04T19:35:55+00:00

You should see a marriage counselor while you still have a chance to save your marriage, at least for the sake of your 5 year old. She is laying the mental groundwork for divorce: “he never really…” I have low confidence in marriage counseling, but at least you can say you tried. Also, read some books so you can learn therapy-speak and learn to identify key patterns/tricks

EstablishmentHot4889 · 2024-10-04T19:26:55+00:00

Playing video games is a hobby that basically blocks out the people you're with. You dont "meet other people's needs" while you're doing it.

At the beginning of a relationship, when you have no kids, people have time and energy and can get what they need elsewhere. Which she may well have done without either of you registering it.

As life becomes more complicated following children, there is less time for everything, including getting our needs met externally to the relationship . Our partner becomes more central to our lives , we are more tied to them via this or these children.

If we do not notice this and continuously adapt their behaviour (eg by playing fewer video games) to the changing circumstances, our or our partners needs will not get met, which over time will eat away at them or us.

They are often not able to put it into words but feel it

After a certain amount of time, they see us as superfluous. They regret that they didn't take action and become aware of what had happened. It has happened gradually, and they have repressed the feelings of discontent until they become unbearable.

They they propose to leave.

Still-Average9690 · 2024-10-04T19:18:12+00:00

Because a scorned woman is brutal to deal with. They're brain ninjas who apply debuffs like no other lol

dkblue1 · 2024-10-04T18:51:45+00:00

Just shows how conditional a woman's love is.

I honestly don't think it's the video games. She doesn't love you anymore and is looking for any reason to detach.

My ex wife said all sorts of mean things as reasons for us divorcing. Within a year or two after our divorce she apologized for many of those things she said because they weren't real.

5 years after divorce and living happy 🫰

celticmoose · 2024-10-04T14:18:06+00:00

As someone who was a big gamer and slowly stopped playing due to marriage and children, I can tell you I should have kept playing. I slowly changed who I was to try and be the man I thought she wanted me to be. But in reality not only did I fail at the goal of pleasing her, but I made myself miserable in the process.

Don’t lose yourself or your hobbies for a woman. They are important in maintaining a healthy relationship.

Still-Average9690 · 2024-10-04T14:14:02+00:00

You are about to fight the final boss and her HP is basically unlimited. I hope you maxed out your stats. Your stamina, attack, and defense specifically. If you don't have S tier gear, you're going to have a bad time. God speed brother 👊🏼

This_Train340i · 2024-10-04T13:28:00+00:00

Not rewriting the past, she's always felt that way. Women get married thinking they will change a man whereas a man gets married hoping his wife won't change.

Bretweir_jerky · 2024-10-04T13:12:40+00:00

And yet another example of a woman using the marriage wheel script and playing herself (more importantly her kids) out of a family. Talk to lawyer quick and see if you can catch up

Glittering-Spell-446 · 2024-10-04T13:08:16+00:00

You must have and addiction with videogames…

Substantial-Slip2686 · 2024-10-04T12:59:11+00:00

The hard part of being a parent is about done. The child is easier to care for now. She wants to tap the walking ATM now.

Lumptbuttcat · 2024-10-04T12:46:01+00:00

Well, the old sayings still apply…….women divorce because their husbands never change, men divorce because their wives change.

Add to this, you are supposed to read her mind. Her not saying anything should have been a clear indication you should spend more time with her and less gaming. (joking, of course).

Finally, accountability is a woman’s kryptonite. Notice she regrets she put up with my playing video games. That’s very different than her taking accountability for communicating needs and most importantly, her feelings.

treshsocket · 2024-10-04T12:36:33+00:00

She may be rewritting the past because she's not ok with the present.

Old-Macaroon8148 · 2024-10-04T12:27:34+00:00

She thought she could change you and since that didn’t work it’s your fault.

leaving4me · 2024-10-04T12:15:33+00:00

She likely made choices under the assumption that your priorities would evolve with life and her needs and desires. In my experience the issue is probably more that she did not communicate it well enough or you didn't hear her along the way and it manifested itself with this. Whether or not you divorce or try to work through this it will take sacrifice. The question is not about the past but rather what is important to you moving forward.

CulturedGentleman921 · 2024-10-04T11:50:14+00:00

My advice is to get couples therapy ASAP.

Sacrifice your gaming time a little bit.

Do whatever it takes.

Divorce is a flaming hellscape that you crawl through alone

You want to avoid it all costs.

There are good reasons to get a divorce.

Video games isn't one of them.

Good luck.

SomeoneInQld · 2024-10-04T11:47:53+00:00

Just a guess.

She thought she could lure you away from video games.

Now she realises that she has lost and that you will still play video games.

Title	Rewriting the past
Author	Exactly65536
Upvotes	8
Comments	95
Date	October 4, 2024 11:41 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1fvx2ya/rewriting_the_past/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/rewriting-the-past.1532037 https://theredarchive.com/post/1532037

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