Does anyone get divorced because of the little things?

roshi-roshi · 2024-11-01T02:44:37+00:00

Trust me, think this through very intentionally. Try to save your marriage. Being divorced sucks beyond belief and you don’t believe it unless you’ve been there. Don’t go there. Make your marriage your purpose in life and in 1 year you will be happy.

SuperConfused40 · 2024-10-30T04:02:17+00:00

You need to figure yourself out. I recommend two books: "No more mr nice guy" to figure yourself out, and "the seven principles for making marriage work" for your relationship.

If you both want your marriage to work, the second book will help you learn why you're resentful/ contempt and how you both can strengthen your marriage. You must both be willing to listen and change.

Good luck. If you can save your marriage, try.

ctgjerts · 2024-10-29T16:59:02+00:00

Speak to an attorney in the state you reside. Rules vary widely between states.

LashkarNaraanji123 · 2024-10-29T08:32:24+00:00

I did. Precisely because of frivolous spending and disrespectful treatment.

OctinoxateAndZinc · 2024-10-28T21:30:59+00:00

But I haven't spoken to an attorney.

Get a consult and get a idea of what you'll be expected to outlay in terms of your assets, debts, and spousal support (and for how long).

Corvettelov · 2024-10-28T20:32:26+00:00

Is she in menopause. It changes women drastically. Medication helps. Ask my then teen son who suffered along with his Dad until I found something that worked. Believe me going to work with sweat rolling down your body was only one of my many symptoms. Bottom line make sure her changes aren’t medical. Is she just a jerk? Get a lawyer.

Low-Impact-9695 · 2024-10-28T20:31:09+00:00

Has she had her hormones checked recently?

Women are getting into puberty and the menopause earlier and earlier each decade, owing to the hormones and chemicals in our diets.

Most of my friends have faced menopause around age 50.

DivorceRecoveryMen · 2024-10-28T19:35:27+00:00

Sometimes those little things add up!

heatseaking_rock · 2024-10-28T19:30:02+00:00

I guess a lot of wemen did.

Efficient-Mango7708 · 2024-10-28T17:51:45+00:00

You might be over reacting, but there is the concept of the death by 1000 cuts for both you and her. I don’t have a disability per se, but a chronic auto-immune disease and I lost my left eye. Being the full time care taker, in sickness and in health, is a tough job.

Do you have open and honest conversations about this? Have you figured out more specifics, have you tried applying more money to fix the problem, say hiring additional help? Do you go on date nights? Also this period when the kids are hiring more independent is difficult as well. You owe it your marriage to have tried these things and if you have and don’t feel like putting anymore effort in only then go do t the divorce path.

techrmd3 · 2024-10-28T17:36:57+00:00

yes from what you are describing you are overreacting

men in general value their word and vows so I mostly never see a divorce filed "just because it's not working for the man".

Which is ironic because I never see the other side pause and consider that they might be "overreacting"... no they just file and THEN have second thoughts it seems

On the surface you are describing the normal ebb and flow of a long term relationship. Sure it "might be" that your spouse is gaslighting you into filing for divorce that THEY wish... but wanted to make your life so bad you do the filing yourself.

But again in my experience spouses do not make subtle their bad feelings to a spouse they wish to divorce.

I would start to think about all the things you have to get organized in your mind before taking a divorce path very seriously. What about where you live post divorce? Why not wait until last kid is 18? What about friends and family? What do you want out of newly single life? Can you afford to be divorced?

Answer all those questions think carefully THEN decide if you want to do it.

stupididiot78 · 2024-10-28T17:36:23+00:00

I'm sorry if what I'm about to say comes across as cruel. It's not fair nor is it right and I'm not claiming thar it is.

You're disabled. An able bodied person being with a disabled person can grow resentful over time, especially if she has to do a lot to career for you. Even if she doesn't, knowing that your spouse won't be able to care for you the way you care for them cause bitterness. All of that on top of the ways that people change as they age can make a person pretty bitter. . I don't know the level of care that you require but I'd look into home heatlcare that does respite care so your wife can get out a it and get a break. I'd also encourage her to look into attending some sort of a support group for families of disabled people.

I know all this has been harder on you than it has for her. Still it has been very hard on her too and people often overlook what the families of people with serious health issues are going through.

While I'm not disabled, I am around disabled people and their families daily. I'm a nurse at a physical rehab facility that people go to so they can get help with their disabilities. I've seen situations like yours play out in front of me more times than I can count. The advise that I give is how the spoyses that stay together do.

Good luck, brother.

gnackered · 2024-10-28T17:04:16+00:00

Update: to reply to a bunch of helpful people.

no cheating, I am sure. No opportunity or desire. I am sure of this.
Maybe I am too skeptical of counseling be it on my own or joint.
No major menopause symptoms or hormonal, just mean
Part of it is her reaction to her childhood. To the extent I share any traits with her father (which is seemingly little) she is quick to react.
Finances are fine. The divorce would be expensive but we have enough to support two families.
I had a stroke and I am now rather disorganized and cannot do my former job. I have right side weakness and probably there are some gaps in my perception of myself which she constantly points out without respect.
I can't work because every penny I earn would be paid to the insurance company. Like having a high minimum wage. But its like I am still the provider to her and she asks me what I am doing each day with a degree of expectation. Even though all the money comes from me/my insurance. On the one hand, cry me river (we are blessed). On the other hand I am like WTF.
I think my son would choose to live with me if it comes to it. He too is on the short end of her respect card. Either way, both my kids would understand.
She is a good person/mother by in large. She cares about my family and me, but some of her commentary doesn't reflect it.
Most of the issues are focused around her commentary and a lack of respect. Its not as bad as so many others on the board. That said I wouldn't sign up for 20-30 years more of this. I could imagine giving her grace, but its hard when we argue. Which nearly seems constant.

Historical_Eye3756 · 2024-10-28T16:34:34+00:00

Mine was hiding 70,000 in credit card debt.

This_Train340i · 2024-10-28T16:02:12+00:00

Could be her defense mechanism to cover up cheating. It's very common because in order to cheat, she'd have to lose respect for you, which in turn manifests into disrespectful behavior at home that justifies her cheating. People don't change their personality out of the blue for no reason. You have a right to be suspicious and should be.

dasfoo · 2024-10-28T15:52:29+00:00

My stbx likes to say it’s because of “a lot of little things.” I think that’s wrong. Little things are manageable. It’s always a big thing, like not caring enough to work on the little things.

Misericordee · 2024-10-28T15:46:06+00:00

You might try therapy first. Look at Gottman therapy it is evidence based and effective. Do you think menopause could be a factor in her behavioral changes?

Mysterious_Mix_5034 · 2024-10-28T15:37:48+00:00

No overreacting but if you are jumping to divorce without seeking medical and or mental health support I would say you are a bit impulsively jumping to dissolution. This should be last resort.

Indepedence-david · 2024-10-28T15:14:45+00:00

Hormones imbalance very likely. Ask her to see her doctor

MR-Ozmidnight · 2024-10-28T14:44:03+00:00

You're not overreacting—it's a reasonable question. I would suggest starting to isolate yourself from this situation, as you mentioned that she has changed for the worse. It's often a red flag when someone starts to change negatively.

I recommend creating a secret safety fund because you don’t want to come home one day and find yourself locked out or, worse, having your bank accounts compromised. While I wouldn't typically suggest this, it's becoming clear that husbands are increasingly victimized by the courts and authorities. In light of that, I believe in taking necessary precautions.

So, first, set up a secret account that she and no one else can find out about.

Second, I suggest reading these books: "Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life" "No more, Mr. Nice Guy. " "Doing the 180" "Grey Rocking" You can find them on the Web. These are just a starting point, but they can help you understand how to deal with someone who mistreats their partner.

Additionally, consider installing security cameras around the house and ensure the footage is saved to a location she can't access. More and more people are facing false claims, such as Abuse Prevention Orders and restraining orders, so having evidence during arguments can be crucial. I spoke with a man recently who was facing 10 to 15 years in jail due to a false abuse claim—so please be careful.

If you have kids, strive to be the best dad you can be, as they will remember your actions for the rest of their lives.

Remember, there are people here who have gone through similar situations, and they can offer support.

Good luck, and I genuinely hope things do not escalate further.

Boolit_Tooth_Tony · 2024-10-28T14:37:12+00:00

Are there any medical issues like menopause or something that's causing the changes?

lifelesswriter69 · 2024-10-28T14:24:43+00:00

everyone's definition of small is different.

my boundaries were too broad and against what i would tolerate from any one person. I finally decided it was worth to pay the price. my happiness and living life is what i wanted.

I wanted a partner who would work with me, help me, tackle life with me. This process has confirmed that my STBX was a drain in every sense of the word

godspeed

Exactly65536 · 2024-10-28T13:39:41+00:00

If you don't have kids or your kids have grown up, "I don't like her/him anymore" is enough of a reason.

Consider the price though. Do you dislike them enough to pay it?

guy_n_cognito_tu · 2024-10-28T13:35:51+00:00

I can't say whether you're overreacting or not, but I would ask: have you tried marriage counseling yet?

EmotionSix · 2024-10-28T13:35:36+00:00

Marriage counseling first. Give her a chance to hear your complaints with the therapist as mediator. Also most attorney consults are free and they can explain the financial scenario quickly.

Title	Does anyone get divorced because of the little things?
Author	gnackered
Upvotes	23
Comments	47
Date	October 28, 2024 1:28 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1ge21gq/does_anyone_get_divorced_because_of_the_little/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/does-anyone-get-divorced-because-of-the-little.1534074 https://theredarchive.com/post/1534074

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