I don't understand how people are attracted to personality

Mehitobel · 2025-01-24T12:17:22+00:00

Objectively, neither my husband or I are attractive.

I started to like him when we met the first time and he was wearing a tee-shirt of my favorite band. When we got to talking, I started to fall in love with his personality. The more I got to know him the more attractive he became to me.

creamerfam5 · 2025-01-24T13:52:28+00:00

You just seem to not like people. It's not that hard to understand if you're not so cynical. There's probably a reason you have such high walls up around liking anyone, but you're not really the norm. Most people can be sexually attracted to average looking people.

FellasImSorry · 2025-01-24T11:53:04+00:00

Other people are less shallow than you?

When you have actual relationships with human beings instead of just imagining them, you find that someone’s personality can make them physically attractive (or unattractive) to you.

It’s hard to explain this because it’s so basic to the human experience, but “attractiveness” is a holistic, subjective thing comprising your overall impression of aanother person, based on who they are not just how they look.

A nice smile, a light in someone’s eyes, how people move, present themselves, etc are all part of what makes someone physically attractive.

Fuzzy-Constant · 2025-01-24T12:53:50+00:00

Your false assumption is that people are only physically attracted to those who are objectively above average or better in appearance. Most people are attracted to their partners even if you don't think they meet some arbitrary standard of attractiveness. And yes it even happens that people can become attracted to someone physically after getting to know them when previously they would not have been. It's not like they are physically repulsed but the personality makes up for it, the personality somehow factors into them becoming physically attracted.

XhaLaLa · 2025-01-24T14:14:25+00:00

You’re making an assumption that everyone else’s attractions work the same as yours. For many people, myself included, personality modifies physical attraction. Even for those people for whom it doesn’t, looks are subjective and not everyone is into what you’re into. Those people are likely not dating people they have no physical attraction to.

daisy-duke- · 2025-01-24T15:48:38+00:00

I just want sex but am too unattractive to have casual sex and even if I improve my looks, most women my age are done with hookups and want to settle down

Projection can be a person's worst enemy.

buzluu · 2025-01-24T12:22:21+00:00

You see people like shells,getting inside of them will grant you beatiful realm that all gonna make you happy,so you know this fantasy its not real,so you tricking yourself only so beatiful shells could give u this and these guys or girls couldnt look at you so you could live in your self guarding cycle.

Thats not how it works,beeing seen,being understood,being bold person ,wanting what u want,knowing what u want,able to get that,able to fix or get out of problems,or having some kinde of unique self or aura is make people "yeah thats what i am looking for".And yeah people who look only the surface dont care them but these people are so down to earth or could standing on their feet nicely,they know their worth and they know how to take care of themselves so,thats it and they dont care "shell looking" people either.They once tasted to be seen,and to be loved,so they know,and they are allowing themselves to taste and love that thing again.

watsonyrmind · 2025-01-24T13:21:08+00:00

Simple, other people are less emotionally repressed than you. Failing to connect with other people and not desiring relationships because you are afraid of vulnerability is pathological. If you want to understand this human experience, you need psychological help to unpack why you have buried these things so deep. Not only that, I doubt you'll ever be happy without dealing with this issue.

theasianplayboy · 2025-01-24T14:54:01+00:00

Do you believe women can be attracted to a man’s wealth, lifestyle, status, etc? A nontangible, nonphysical thing?

TenaciousVillain · 2025-01-24T15:43:31+00:00

Wtf is “objectively” attractive? It seems to me that many of you never learned the lesson that beauty is very subjective. And this isn’t up for debate. Lol Literally what one man believes is beautiful, another may find hideous. So this idea that there is some objective standard is a lot of you lying to yourselves or simply buying into mainstream propaganda of beauty.

That in itself is your answer. Because you have a belief system that is dependent on a particular look to find someone sexually attractive, you can’t and will never value people beyond that “look” — whatever that is for you. Some of us simply require more than looks to be attracted. I have seen some physically gorgeous men. I mean extremely attractive and as soon as I heard them speak and watched how they navigated the world (both being highly problematic) it was like a mask fell. I was instantly disgusted and turned off. What I found beautiful became hideous, that’s how fast it was for me and that’s how it is for a lot of humans. But I believe this is directly tied to your value and belief system, not some objective rule as many of you seem to think.

Your ability to sustain attraction to a shell is interesting to say the least. But to think it’s the same for everyone is naive and negates how different and complex humans are. We do not all see the world through the same lens. So the idea that there is an “objectively” beautiful person is young people desperate for validation.

starshine8316 · 2025-01-24T16:01:26+00:00

So wait, it sounds like the end game for you is to get laid. The women your age aren’t doing hookups any longer and you don’t want a relationship. So you are striking out with them becuase they won’t give you the easy sex you have been able to achieve with them in the past. So your inquiry here is to figure out how to be attractive/attracted to someone average and get laid again?

Is my assessment correct?

tomowudi · 2025-01-24T18:05:26+00:00

Imagine being 80 years old.

Why do you think couples in their 80's stay together?

OccultEcologist · 2025-01-24T15:52:38+00:00

Hi.

So I think most people have commented on the bulk of topics I would here, but I'm going to give you my thoughts as well:

See, at first I was reading your post, and I was like "Oh, this guy is just aromantic. That's got to be it, right?" But then I got to your comment about only ever liking one other person, your cousin, and... Well. That's really atypical. Don't you have friends? Folks you play video games with becuase they're fun? A coworker you shoot the shit with while taking your lunch break?

Like I don't want to imply anything is wrong or bad about you, I'm just sincerely worried about your emotional health. You might want to investigate if you have some form of neurodivergence (not necessarily a bad thing, frankly my neurodivergence is what makes me good at my job) that makes you have different/lower social needs or if you're just in a situation where your social needs cannot or are not safe to have met. I say this only becuase I think figured out which one is going on is going to make it a lot easier for you to lead a happy, fulfilling life, and well... Generally speaking I want people to be happy, I guess.

For example, if you look into it and you have some kind of condition where you just can't bond with people in the stereotypical way most people do, then that's really good information for you to know while troubleshooting your way through life. You're going to be able to confidently disregard advice that assumes social bonds that you are incapable of and focus on sources that take a more objective approach towards navigating relationships. You might even be able to find resources focusing on finding success and fulfillment with whatever condition you have, if you have one at all.

The way that my perception of life deviates from the normal human experience has a lot of different effects, but one you might be able to relate to is that I don't have the same internal recognition of my emotions that most people do. 'Feelings' are almost 100% physical sensations for me. As a result, while I am a very emotional person, it was hard for me or others to recognize that until I met someone else who was like "oh that sounds like somatization due to alexithymia" which was a big "sounds like what due to huh" for me, dawg. Looking into it led me to a bunch of resources for people like me, though, and as a result almost all my relationships improved. People don't consider me "cold and robotic" or "unpredictable and prone to fits" anymore becuase I am much more able to detect and explain my emotional states now. It's also helped me very literally improve my physical health, too, becuase actually I don't "just randomly puke pretty often" - apperently that's just something I do when I live with people who cause me constant, chronic stress.

On the other hand, if it's not a situation where you have different needs than most people do due to an innate trait, then it's likely you either need to focus on changing your environment to better support you or work on dismantling habits and attitudes you formed to protect yourself in a previous environment that are no longer serving you.

Becuase I'm going to be real, dude - most people need people. We're social animals, that's kind of our entire evolutionary history. We're pursuit predators that are mentally capable of planning ahead (bringing water on the hunt), coordinating with others (doing our pursuit hunting like a relay race), and modifying our environment around us (traps and houses and roads). Specialization of individuals within the social group (known as 'jobs' and 'careers' these days) and communal efforts (be it to hunt a mammoth or build a national government) is our entire schick as a species. So, unless something is different about you as an individual that makes you not need the same type of relationships most humans do, then not having people you like is going to have negative effects on your mental, emotional, and physical health. I know that sounds far fetched, but legitimately there are a ton of papers out there showing that social animals are less healthy and die younger when they are isolated.

But anyway, that was a long and sanctimonious rant you probably didn't want and I am sorry about that. To actually answer your question, though, the element you seem to be missing is what most people consider "Romantic Attraction". As a result, you may want to look into the Ace/Aro and queer communities as it sounds to me like you are aromantic allowsexual (wikipedia link). Now, unfortunately this is one of the shittiest versions of queer to be, becuase even within the community a lot of people who don't think it exists.

It's also pretty rare, as most aromantic people I know are also asexual - they're just happy doing their own thing, essentially, hanging out with friends and doing their hobbies. Of the couple that I do know, one is in a long-term monogamous relationship and says that they veiw their marriage as a business transaction. They have someone who takes care of them when they're sick, helps pay the bills, and fucks them, so they do the same in turn and try their best to make 'dates' happen so their partner is happy. Personally? I don't get it, but hey, they and their spouse are both happy with the arrangement, so who the hell am I to judge.

With all that said, exploring if there are other aromantic allosexual people in your area might help you to find some partners. Especially if you're at all kinky, as a lot of kinksters have more room for an 3rd, casual relationships, nonmonogamy and cuckoidy (if you're at all interested in fucking a man's wife in front of him). In fact, that is something that I want to bring up as far as dating people you don't find physically attractive: from a pure sex POV, compatable tastes can make up for a lot of deficits. If you have any niche kinks, finding someone else who likes (or in some cases just tolerates) the same depraved shit you're into can be exceptionally hot even if the other person themself is not.

Legitimately, though, romantic attraction is weird as fuck. I've known my current boyfriend for seven years, but we only started dating in 2024, and I sincerely have no idea if I find him inherently physically attractive or if it's just my romantic attraction to him doing my head in. I remember when we were just friends that I thought he had nice hair, a good voice, and beautiful eyes, but I don't remember thinking he was most more than a 'decent looking dude'. These days, though? Jesus christ. Everyone else must be jealous of me, becuase I sincerely think I've landed the prettiest, handsomest, most amazing looking man on the entire planet. I don't think his physical appearance has changed much, either, so... It has to be the romance changing my perception of him. Which is weird, and makes me feel weird about myself.

...He is a snack, though. Like just the way he reads books makes me want to kiss him. I legitimately got a little hot and bothered shopping for a chest freezer with him just becuase we're both super into cooking and food preservation, and calculating the minimum number of cubic feet we needed and comparing prices just did it for me. Like, what the fuck? There is nothing sexy about shopping for chest freezers. Romantic Love is wild.

Anyway, I genuinely wish you nothing but the best! Good luck, sorry for writing a fucking book.

Your_Nipples · 2025-01-24T16:26:46+00:00

Not trying to be mean but I feel sorry for you.

You're not attractive enough to satisfy your shallow tastes.

You're not interesting/interested enough to get in a relationship or attract someone who would like your personality enough to fuck with you.

That leaves you with a hole that can only be filled with hate and resentment.

I won't try to understand what's going on with you because quite frankly, I can't understand it lmao.

Dating/talking to people is exhausting enough, I would need more than a pair of boobs to entertain that shit (I don't like people in general too).

But I guess the "system" works as everyone will get what they deserve based on who they are and what they can offer.

ErosGrandy · 2025-01-24T12:27:24+00:00

Bro uninstall reddit and ho outside , get some p***y bc this mindset is terrible

xvszero · 2025-01-24T16:19:51+00:00

First off there is no objective hotness level. There are people who are considered more or less attractive to society in general if you crunch all the numbers but individuals are attracted to all kinds of people. So you say "below average" and someone else might be like DAMNNNN.

Beyond that, attraction can have many factors. I grew up in a sort of nerdy punk / skate culture and needy girls with like, glasses and shaved heads and tattoos and such were hot to me. There is nothing objective about this, it's just a subculture that has its own thing going on.

As for dating, people tend to date based on some personal connection to someone. So if all you want is sex you are going to struggle there.

an_altar_of_plagues · 2025-01-24T17:39:13+00:00

My wife is physically hotter than sin. But what upgrades her from "hot" to "smokin hot" is precisely her personality. She is one of the gooberiest people I have ever met, and it lends a playfulness and unpredictability to our relationship that makes her immensely exciting to be with, and without ever going into the bad kind of unpredictability. She's beautiful, yeah, but the person she is makes her insanely attractive to simply be around - and I mean "attractive" in all kinds of ways, from someone I want to be friends with to someone I want to talk to about things to someone I want to ride me six ways til Sunday.

For me, it's not so much "I am attracted to the way you like Sonic Youth" so much as it's simply the person she is lights up the life around her like a bonfire at night, and that's what I want to be around for the rest of my life.

Personal_Dirt3089 · 2025-01-24T19:43:19+00:00

If you are misanthropic, that's one thing. But stop assuming that everyone else is also misanthropic.

pridejoker · 2025-01-24T22:00:54+00:00

The short answer is you don't like women as people, or at least you seem highly indifferent to the things that differentiate them as individuals. You're just biologically attracted to them. Remember, it's not that they don't have personalities, it's that you have zero sensitivity or appreciation for any that do.

Passion211089 · 2025-01-24T13:55:43+00:00

I am the exact opposite of you OP. I can literally get a female-boner precisely because of someone's personality and particularly their approach towards me; as in, our history, our connection, etc etc

You can be the most handsome looking guy, with a six-pack-ab and a six-inch-dick and you could be standing stark naked in front of me..... and I'd have, literally, no reaction.

However... if you're an average looking guy but you've got right personality traits, you're an 11/10 in my eyes.

Men are the opposite of this ☝

Attraction is more psychological for me (and for most women). I'm not saying that looks don't matter but it's like the scenario above☝; even if you were good looking but lacked the right personality traits, it won't do smack for me.

Granted, i'm a woman, so it makes a difference. It's a scientific fact that men are more visual than women. It's the reason why porn is so popular with men whereas written erotica is more popular with women as the emotional buildup, context and personality of the characters within the story are completely missing in porn.

I've read that when transgender women (men who undergo surgery to become a woman) undergo transition post surgery and hormone therapy, they experience changes in the way they experience their sexuality; as in, it's more holistic rather than visual.

I know this is gonna sound crude and not-so-politically correct but men's eyes and their boners are interconnected; visual cues and sexual stimuli go hand-in-hand for most men.

twisted_egghead89 · 2025-01-24T13:25:55+00:00

Personality is a recipe of good and great sex, and also the buildup through it (the flirt, the chemistry, the communication, intimacy). The ones who are selfish and egotistical even no matter how sexy they are will not care about your need for contentment and pleasure you seek from them.

I prefer having sex with high-beat, seductive, passionate personality with so much care and empathy to me because she cares a lot about my pleasure and I would love to serve her to reciprocate even if she's unattractive physically as long as she takes care of her hygiene, instead of those who has no care for it and being narcissistic, only care for herself, don't you think it feels hollow and nothing?

Well there are those who are behaving like bad bitch and the woman on top from them can feel so great add with all of those nasty licks, like a drug. But the pleasure won't last long because she's such a pain in the ass every day and I have higher self-respect for that

yasuba21 · 2025-01-24T18:44:31+00:00

I am an above average woman and got divorced from a handsome but sadistic narcissist. And recently met a man who are not in my league but he is so clever and so funny, also caring and a great father to his own children. These were enough for me to like him. I don't know what will happen in the future but looks only important maybe for the beginning of the relationship. A handsome man or a beautiful woman can turn into a monster after a couple of months into the relationship. Also you sound like you have attachment issues. Maybe look deeper to your preferences and will find some answers there.

Kythedevourer · 2025-01-24T19:15:25+00:00

As a conventionally attractive woman who has a very out there personality, I have had multiple instances when men have been very into me based on my looks and interests only for them to really get to know me and be like... yikes.

So I figure if I can turn people off with my personality, it's entirely possible people can turn others on with theirs.

I think physical attractiveness does a lot to open the door for you, but for things to work out, personalities have to be compatible. My husband has a thing for women with my particular personality, and he has known me most of my life, but my personality unfortunately kind of repulses people sometimes.

I think when people say they are attracted a certain personality they are basically saying that they need something outside of just sexual attraction. Yes, physical attraction matters to most people initially, but personality determines long term situations.

dalen52 · 2025-01-24T21:16:47+00:00

I’ve learned once I got rid of porn, celebrity worship, and comparison shopping, I found average people attractive.

SmokingInTheAlley · 2025-01-25T01:23:22+00:00

Op, how old are you?

LolliaSabina · 2025-01-25T01:55:09+00:00

So when I first met my now ex-husband, he did nothing for me. I thought he was honestly kind of homely.

But my best friend worked for his dad, by total coincidence, and she pressured me to give him a chance. I discovered that we had a ton in common, and that he was a very intelligent and funny guy. The more I got to know him, the more attractive he grew to me. I think that this seems to happen more often with women… I have known multiple women who ended up with guys that they did not originally find super attractive but who became more appealing as they got to know them. I have rarely heard of it in reverse, although I'm sure it happens.

Ironically, our divorce was because he cheated, but that that's another story for another time!

SufficientDot4099 · 2025-01-25T02:37:36+00:00

You don't have to understand it. It's still true though. But when you see people you think are below average looking, that doesn't mean that they're partner finds them physically unattractive. Different people are attracted to different physical traits.

oldcousingreg · 2025-01-27T23:24:25+00:00

Well… are your friendships based on looks? Think about it.

GladysSchwartz23 · 2025-01-24T17:15:27+00:00

I mean, the world is full of people who like things you don't and dislike things you don't. Do you have this level of confusion over something like, you like strawberry ice cream and hate chocolate, and someone else loves chocolate and hates strawberry?

I think the reason people are invested in these kinds of questions is a desire to judge others or escape judgment. But like... we're allowed to be different, but we are allowed to be bothered if other people use those differences as an excuse to be unkind. As long as you operate with kindness and don't treat the women you find unattractive poorly, then there's no need to morally justify your preferences.

With that said: you probably wouldn't find me or my partner attractive, we're very potato-shaped, but we find each other irresistible. He's not going to be on the cover of a magazine but it doesn't matter if anyone else thinks he's hot: it matters that I do.

PutsWomenOnPedestal · 2025-01-24T17:27:36+00:00

I don’t understand it either.

ooa3603 · 2025-01-24T18:20:43+00:00

It's simple. Nothing is ever uniform in nature. There are always variations, human attraction is no exception.

A person's attraction criteria are a mix of many factors, physical appearance, personality etc. Each person has a different mix of criteria. The most common mix is usually a bit of all of them.

But there are plenty of men and women whose mix is made up of more of one than the others, or just one or two factors. Could be all physical, could be all personality, could be all something else.

Being a good person and sharing my interests and values are important, but I've never gotten an erection over a woman's personality or income or education. Only certain physical appearance does that to me.

I'm similar, though I think my mix is a little more varied in that my physical attraction to someone CAN be enhanced by their personality and more specifically their ability to engage with me in the things I like doing.

For example, take two different hypothetical people. Person A is mildly more conventionally physically attractive (whatever that means to you, the criteria isn't important) than Person B with an average personality.

I'll choose person B over person A if they like to play soccer and talk about science with me. So, we are different in that respect.

But I am similar in that I do have a baseline of criteria of physical features that I must have that no amount of personality will ever surmount. If person B did not meet those criteria, them having the ability to engage with me in wouldn't make me anymore physically attracted to them.

And that's okay as long as you're honest with your partner about it.

I think that's the key.

However attraction works for you, what's important is that you are treating your potential partners with respect and consideration.

So with all that being said, I'll address what you said here:

I should also note that I'm not really interested in relationships. I've never wanted to get married since I know I could never be happy being with one woman until death and I'm not relationship material.

This is okay, there are plenty of women that feel the same way.

I just want sex but am too unattractive to have casual sex and even if I improve my looks, most women my age are done with hookups and want to settle down.

This is also okay, though I'd caution you on the many assumptions you're making here. You are right that the more casual you want your relationships to be, the more work you will have to put in yourself to be appealing to other potential partners. But unless you are disfigured, you should just workout as much as possible, keep clean and maintain grooming and tailoring and let the women decide whether they are attracted to you or not. Don't be premature.

Most women my age are done with hookups and want to settle down.

Again, you're assuming. Not every woman wants to settle down in a conventional relationship. Also, there is a LOT of room between hooking up and committed marriage. While most women may not want a one-night stand, there are actually a great deal of women in all age brackets who would like a monogamous but uncommitted relationship as lovers, or non-monogamous relationship where they have one committed partner and many other lovers. There's a lot of room to work with.

The key is that you are honest, genuine and transparent in your intentions.

CliffordKoDR · 2025-01-24T20:54:36+00:00

Oh weird, I def find personality makes or breaks whether or not I find someone attractive. Some of the hottest looking women I've met had personalities that made them look like roadkill to me. Emotional attraction ups physical attraction, the same way how revealing an ugly personality makes them look unattractive to you. Sure they are objectively good looking but separating the two is weird. We are all gonna melt, get shorted, sag, get wrinkly and old and shrivelled and then we'll decompose and be eaten by worms. Find a partner who makes you feel alive, going for the shallow attraction will create a shallow relationship, don't do yourself a disservice by living a life of shallow relationships.

ReynartTheFox · 2025-01-24T21:50:10+00:00

How I perceive someone determines how attractive they look to me. I have had instances where I thought someone was hot, but the more I got to know them, the less I liked them due to their behaviour and how they treated others. It made them seem less physically attractive to me. Other people who I didn't particularly think much of initially I grew to see as super hot and attractive based on how they treated me and others.

DenverKim · 2025-01-24T23:08:38+00:00

First of all, everyone is attracted differently. We obviously have a baseline standard when it comes to attractiveness as a culture, but there’s still a lot of variation. I have dated incredibly attractive men before as well as men who were well below average. When it comes to the below average men, there was always something I found attractive about them… For example, maybe they were a little bit overweight, but as long as they weren’t incredibly obese, there was something about their eyes or their smile that I liked.

For people looking for love and relationships, personality is crucial because you spend a very small percentage of your time actually having sex… You have to be able to get along and enjoy their company for the rest of the time. You’re supposed to actually love the other person and it’s really hard to love somebody who has a shit personality.

I think this is far more common with men, but women definitely do it too. I believe this is why so many people end up in incredibly unhappy relationships and marriages… They get together with someone they find physically attractive and that attraction always wears off or at least fades. Then they are left living with someone with a personality they don’t even like.

I think you are going to have a really hard time if you can’t learn to view people based on what’s inside and outside. If you are only looking for people to hook up with and no kind of relationship at all, then you are definitely going to have a hard time because the majority of people looking for that are also only going to only be interested in your looks… if you’re not attractive and expecting to only sleep with attractive women, then it’s going to be tough for you.

When it comes to actually getting intimate with a person, men and women can be very different. As a woman who has to wear glasses to pretty much see anything, once we get started and my glasses come off, I can’t even see anything 😆 I’m actually far more concerned with how they feel than how they look. Some of the best sex I’ve ever had in my life was with some of the more unattractive men I’ve been with. I know it’s weird, but that’s just me.

Electrical-Bat-1330 · 2025-01-25T02:19:34+00:00

It's pretty simple really, a concept deeply embedded in the human psyche and the object of our myths, stories, religions, and greatest works of art since the dawn of mankind. I do feel sorry for you, if you'll never know it.

True love.

Temporaryphase24 · 2025-01-28T17:14:01+00:00

Well I was in love with a man based on his voice amd persona and I never saw his face.

I don't think ny attraction was 100% spiritual pr anything but more like I have an arousal for certain tomes in mens voices and the exact way they speak as well as how they emot towards me.

starbraid · 2025-02-03T17:09:02+00:00

Honestly, it just sounds like you lack any character yourself so you don’t see the value in someone other than what they can give you physically.

You are shallow, at least you admit it I guess?

If you don’t have a personality, then it makes sense why you would be confused at the thought of it being attractive. You find value in people who look good but are as interesting as a turnip.

That’s okay, just recognize it for what it is, accept your loneliness is self inflicted, and all will make much more sense from here forward. 👍🏽

TemporaryGrowth7 · 2025-01-24T14:55:07+00:00

You answered this yourself: you’re not interested in marriage.

Don’t break your head about other people’s choices, just go bang those good looking gals and enjoy yourself.

Soft-Neat8117 · 2025-01-24T16:55:40+00:00

No. I don't have friends except my cousin and I don't like anyone else in my family or my coworkers.

As far as the neurodivergence thing, I have an appointment in April to get tested for any behavioral/personality disorders. I suspect that I'm either on the autism spectrum, a narcissist or a sociopath.

Title	I don't understand how people are attracted to personality
Author	Soft-Neat8117
Upvotes	0
Comments	177
Date	January 24, 2025 11:37 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/ExRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/1i8tfz2/i_dont_understand_how_people_are_attracted_to/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/ExRedPill/i-dont-understand-how-people-are-attracted-to.1542016 https://theredarchive.com/post/1542016

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