"Family"

First-Sail8421 · 2025-06-06T01:51:09+00:00

You don’t have to lie to your children. John Delony talks about this. And you don’t have to pretend that you have no hard feelings for your wife’s deception to destroy the family. Some decisions have far-reaching consequences. The data about children of divorce is stark indeed. My ex said same as yours - doesn’t matter or pretended it isn’t true, when it is well attested. Her self interest was more important than the well-being of her children. Frankly one of the most terrible things a mother can do. A mother’s highest and most important calling is to protect her children from harm, not push them into it. That our legal system encourages this result shows the depth of rot that exists within it (at least family law as it pertains to no-fault divorce).

EvalCrux · 2025-06-05T01:55:51+00:00

Uhh no? My 4 year old asks and I say mommy doesn’t want daddy to live with her anymore. No discussion of marriage. They cry wail saying they don’t want to stay wi th her at dropoffs, cheer wit excitement at pickups with me. I’ll take it.

Big_Marsupial_8142 · 2025-06-04T16:46:05+00:00

A little story here - I've been friends with this dude for 40 years.... He's been divorced from wife 2 for 30+ years and has been married to wife 3 for most of those 30+ years.

I witnessed this behavior at his ONLY son's wedding (Son happens to be from wife 2). Dad was his best man and organized much of the wedding reception - along with Wife 3. Fast forward to " picture time" during the reception. Son asks dad "Hey - can we (Bride, Groom, Father, Mother) get a picture of just us four". Dad has a colossal meltdown in front of God and everyone. "How in the fuck could you ask this?!?" "This is so disrespectful to wife 3....etc...etc." This is after the 1000th pic of every possible configuration of the wedding party.

I stood there with my mouth wide open saying to myself - "Holy shit - this is so self absorbed and will ruin this whole moment for the newly married couple". The son and dad are now estranged and talk shit about each other on social media.

Little did I know that a few years later - I would get the "i'm not happy anymore" speech from my now ex wife and have to go through these types of scenarios while her AP moved in / married her and gets to sit in on my "family" photos too. My (now adult) kids know how I feel about the situation - but they still love their mom and dad and have memories of happier times when we were raising them together. They also understand that mom and dad are happier apart and have separate lives.

Divorce sucks - bottom line. How you deal with the "family" stuff matters to the kids more than it ever will to you.

upvotersfortruth · 2025-06-04T11:03:26+00:00

A broken family is still a family, just not the kind that smiles fakely for bullshit pictures and shit like that.

dukeofthefoothills1 · 2025-06-04T04:39:29+00:00

They love to have their cake and eat it to. I refused a photo with just her and my son at my son’s wedding. Some months later I needed to explain that she ejected me and I do not wish to be part of her fake family construct. WTF?

It all seems so performative on her part as well. Like she wants her friends to think I’m friends with her.

Paddle_Pedal_Puddle · 2025-06-04T00:43:30+00:00

I wont speak negatively of my lying, cheating and remorseless STBX to or around the kids and I have forgiven her, but I also won’t be fake to her in front of them. I can be respectful and polite and also set appropriate boundaries. If I don’t draw those lines, I won’t be a healthy parent for my children.

My daughter had her elementary school graduation a couple weeks ago. The kids sat with the parents for the first half of it, so I sat with my STBX with our daughter between us. I also took a picture with all three of us and a separate one with just me and my daughter.

On the other hand, when I go to my kids’ sporting events, if I’m coaching their teams, it’s a non-issue. If not, I sit apart from her and don’t think twice about it.

BlueHarvest17 · 2025-06-04T13:37:15+00:00

To the kids, you're still a family. You're still the dad, she's still the mom, they are still the kids. You are not spouses anymore, but to the kids you're still their parents. You don't have to stand next to her, but maybe the kids will want a picture with both their parents in it when they're older.

(Side Note: Maybe look at the pre-school graduation as something fun thing for the kids. Rather than look down on it, look at it as something to make them feel special. These are little moments in time that can be special if you let them.)

Maybe the family day may is more about her trying to show her colleagues that she's still a good mother? That one seems pretty crazy, especially if it was her idea.

No_Contact_3605 · 2025-06-04T00:04:24+00:00

Bro….have I got a story for you.

OkEmphasis5923 · 2025-06-03T23:02:54+00:00

It's not rocket science. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. She wants the freedom to bone other dudes and experience the thrill of romance while being able to pose for family pictures and attend family events.

Its up to you to decide whether she succeeds or not. You don't have to be mean or petty, just be real. Its a broken family, it is what it is. She can invite you to "Family Day" a thousand times and you can say No a thousand times.

Once you and/or her get remarried, whenever that is, the word family will mean something different than it did before the divorce.

Effective_Hornet_833 · 2025-06-03T22:54:03+00:00

Bravo! Every word of this. She wants you to perform family and she wants you to perform being OK with what she did. It’s controlling and it’s bullshit. They all do this shit.

My kids have two families, they have a family with me and with her. I’m not in a family with her, that’s I’m pretty sure about, so there has to be more than one family.

My ex knows this, because when her dad remarried he didn’t keep playing. Almost no one does. Very few bring the new wife into the picture, or the new husband, and have the full “family” photo that way. No, once someone remarries everyone acknowledges it’s not a single family. Might as well acknowledge it now.

Expert-Raccoon6097 · 2025-06-03T22:14:18+00:00

No is a complete sentence. Use it. You need to set healthy boundaries with your co-parent.

You didn't ignore the red flags back then. You had no clue what a red flag was and your dad sure as hell didn't offer any advice. You did the best with the tools you had at the time. Don't beat yourself up. Learn, and pass it along to your son(s) so they don't go in blind like you had to.

You won't be tied once your kids are 18. No reason to communicate with your ex whatsoever after that.

That1TimeN99 · 2025-06-03T21:55:31+00:00

To this day my ex, my kids mom, likes to say “we’re still a family”. No we’re not. Stop being delusional to try to make you feel better for destroying our family, I told her once.

AxeJawn · 2025-06-03T21:17:15+00:00

I love this. Thank you for the insight and feedback

burnerking · 2025-06-03T20:22:44+00:00

I don’t know about your certificate and stats being worse for kids. My kids are 100% better after the divorce. No doubts at all. It was difficult the first year, but now in year 3, absolutely. Both are excellent students, have hobbies and extracurriculars, and most importantly have friends. They’ve not isolated themselves. Granted, they both have friends that are also in divorced households, so it must help they have friends they can relate to.

fives_gw · 2025-06-03T20:06:41+00:00

I totally empathize with all of this sentiment, OP.

It still pisses the fuck out of me, internally, every time a situation arises where I face the choice of either sitting together with the ex as a show of solidarity for the kids (e.g., at a soccer game or kid play or performance or whatever), or not doing that and incurring the cost to the kids of seeing that divide.

So far, I've made the affirmative choice to just suck it up and deal with the anger/sadness/resentment etc that "pretending" to be family inspires in me, as a conscious sacrifice I'm making to mitigate divorce-harm to my kids. I just think there's compelling evidence that if it's at all possible to "make nice" like this with their mom, it does more than almost anything else you can control to lessen the negative impact of divorce on kids (which is absolutely real, and devastating). So I choose to do it, for them and for no other reason, no matter how shitty it makes me feel in the moment (and for a bit afterwards, honestly).

And I'm only a couple of years out at this point, but I will say that I've gotten better over time at handling the shitty feelings that the "family farce" acting brings up in me. That's consistent with what everyone says, and I hope (and expect) those feelings will continue to moderate as time passes.

OP, just know that those of us also going through this hear you and I, for one, am completely with you on almost every dimension of this. It fucking sucks (for you and the kids) to be faced with this situation at all because of someone else's shitty, probably selfish choices. I'm 100% with you that the "we're still a family, just different!!!" is, in my view, total bullshit. I absolutely still pay it lip service (or at least act as if it's true, without saying anything), but that's entirely for the kids' benefit and not remotely something I actually believe. We're not "a family" in any sense that matters to either me, or the kids' wellbeing. I'm a single dude + his kids now, doing life on our own 50% of the time. It doesn't alter anything I do to try to be the best dad I can, of course, but we're sure as shit not "a family" just because I'm still doing all I can to parent well on my own. A "family" has two parents of the kids in it, both supporting them and both equally invested (as you'll almost never get, quite reasonably, with any "blended" bullshit) in those kids as only those kids' two parents really are likely (quite understandably/naturally) to be. And, for the parents, a real "family" has the important benefit of both parents, who are present together, being able to enjoy the shared experience between the two of them of raising those kids, who both mean more to each of them than they do to any other person in the world, together. Whatever "single dude + his kids" is, it's sure as hell not the same thing as what I just described as a unit of basic social organization. Just factually, it's not the same damn thing, and it's devastating to lose that if it was (as it is for many actually good parents) one of the most important things you valued, foundationally, about the "married, with kids" life that you used to have. It's a real, painful loss, and anyone who tries to minimize that either just doesn't get it (maybe because they really didn't value it as much as you or I did?), or is being disingenuous to try to rush along "healing"/acceptance (or, more perniciously, because they're the selfish fuck who blew the family up for their own selfish reasons, and they're struggling mightily to convince themselves and anyone who will listen that it's really not that bad, to assuage their own [quite appropriate] guilt over the harm they did to their own family and their own innocent children). In my view, though, not calling a spade a spade here -- recognizing that you did really lose something profoundly important to you and your kids, just does the opposite and works against or delays real healing.

But the way I see it, after so much selfishness from my ex to put us all in this position at all, it would be more selfish of me than I'm comfortable with to prioritize lessening my own emotional pain by doing things (sitting alone, cold shoulder to their mom at events, etc) that ultimately (as borne out by tons of research) harm the kids even more. So I tolerate the bullshit for them, and I'd bet you're strong enough to as well. Remind yourself that it's a noble sacrifice that you're making explicitly for their benefit to help get yourself through the emotions it brings up as you play along with it for them.

AxeJawn · 2025-06-03T20:06:26+00:00

Almost verbatim the same situation here. The STBXW wants all the same marital arrangements except for the MAN who got it all done.

You are not alone, Brother. I stand with you in that this behavior is unacceptable and will not be tolerated.

You and I will forever carry the guilt of loving someone with more than we ever knew we could while they planned their exit. I have no words to describe this feeling.

Wishing you peace and true happiness for the rest of days.

NotYours25 · 2025-06-03T18:32:49+00:00

Damn this hits home. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.

Feel free to keep venting. It’s helped me.

Koldfacejillah · 2025-06-03T19:58:04+00:00

Hear hear brother

warwww · 2025-06-03T19:47:15+00:00

You can politely decline. Do it without a tinge of bitterness or malice.

Unfortunately for men, we are looked down upon for saying the word “no”. We are bashed and demonized. We are supposed to “just take it.”

Your response, if you feel that way: “I’m ok thank you though.”

Make that day exciting and supportive for your kid!

Our sons pre k graduation is in a few days, I’m showing up to support him, when it’s over I’m going to embrace him, tell him that I love him to the moon and back, how proud I am of him and keep things moving. When he’s with me again, we’ll go out to dinner and celebrate. No need to complicate things.

“No, thank you”. Three very powerful words that can bring you peace.

Pretending will only delay healing. I don’t buy into the hippie talk of we’ll always be a family, absolutely not. We are co-parents but not a family.

Family doesn’t do what was done to our kids. Yes, divorce by all means if it brings happiness - absolutely, but to alienate kids, feign false abuse allegations, etc…. those are the acts of a terrible human, who would want to be around that? That’s not family like.

You guys are now tasked with raising a kid together.

reapersritehand · 2025-06-03T19:03:23+00:00

Hate to be the one to tell you, but it gets worse, like her posting stuff like "can you believe our kid is graduating " then post pictures of her the kid and her newest husband, or asking for family photos of her the kids you and the new husband

reapersritehand · 2025-06-03T19:03:16+00:00

Hate to be the one to tell you, but it gets worse, like her posting stuff like "can you believe our kid is graduating " then post pictures of her the kid and her newest husband, or asking for family photos of her the kids you and the new husband

jasoncb123 · 2025-06-03T18:47:37+00:00

Don’t go

EnvironmentalAd3558 · 2025-06-03T18:43:07+00:00

Tell her it is too soon for you.

Maybe in 5 to 10 years.

suspicious_bag_1000 · 2025-06-03T18:39:24+00:00

Bro- I get you’re angry. I’ve been exactly where you are. BUT- to your kid you’re a family no matter what. Say cheese and take the picture. Trust me. You’ll feel worse if you don’t and think back on it. And honestly, a preschool graduation is important to the preschooler who is really the most important person at this event.

suspicious_bag_1000 · 2025-06-03T18:39:17+00:00

Bro- I get you’re angry. I’ve been exactly where you are. BUT- to your kid you’re a family no matter what. Say cheese and take the picture. Trust me. You’ll feel force if you don’t and think back on it. And honestly, a preschool graduation is important to the preschooler who is really the most important person at this event.

AvacodoCartwheeler · 2025-06-03T18:37:48+00:00

Well, first, your attitude is the reason divorced kids don't do well. Before you get offended, hear me out:

It's OK to say "no." If you keep doing things she wants you to do and resenting her for it that WILL affect your kids in ways that are harder to simply state. If you don't want to do it, just say no.

That said, Preschool graduation is a big deal for your kid man. They probably practiced the graduation in class for days and have been talking about it for weeks. It actually made me a bit sad for you kid that you didn't care about going. Let me reframe your whole outlook: The most important thing you do in your whole life will probably be the kids you raise.

As for the cheating ex wife, set some boundaries. She's going to continue to treat you and act exactly the way you allow yourself to be treated and acted on/around. Stop blaming her for your failure to set boundaries. Her thinking you'd show up to the company event just screams to me that you put on a show in front of her "for the kids" while resenting her and wishing she'd stop, yet, you yourself are the reason it continues.

I realize how harsh this sounds, and I really hope it's not all how it seems, but you need to take a long, long look in the mirror and take accountability for the reason she's doing these things: YOU.

TheLoneHander · 2025-06-03T19:05:22+00:00

Was she in limerence for the boss? Very common in bipolar. Is he married? Does his wife know...

The best way to deal with a bipolar human who makes no effort to manage it, it's to live your own life and find your own success and happiness. No is a full sentence. Turn and walk away. She's trying to be the aggressor and victim. It will backfire at some point, but she's a narc. She'll just keep on keeping on.

Family day. Divorced for her boss. Any reason HR wasn't notified?

Start planning your own family activities, never invite her unless it's a birthday/etc. Never give her a choice or input in your activities. She either attends on your terms or she doesn't.

Family members of mine are bipolar, unmedicated, their children adored them...until the preteen+ years. Then the green curtain was pulled back and mom was seen for who she is. And once that curtain is pulled, there's no undoing it.

suspicious_bag_1000 · 2025-06-03T18:39:12+00:00

Bro- I get you’re angry. I’ve been exactly where you are. BUT- to your kid you’re a family no matter what. Say cheese and take the picture. Trust me. You’ll feel force if you don’t and think back on it. And honestly, a preschool graduation is important to the preschooler who is really the most important person at this event.

LearnGrowExist · 2025-06-03T18:31:04+00:00

Bitch. There. Finished it for you.

For your sake, I hope you can come to hate her at least half as much as you hate yourself. They are awful.

0neMinute · 2025-06-03T18:29:08+00:00

Yea def dont pretend, its worse for the kids when they can tell mom and dad hate each other but stay near each other. Put her in the corner and let her sit with her choices, if you don’t it will be worse when the replacement comes in and now you’re mad you were pushed out of things you already hated.

Title	"Family"
Author	chase_the_wolf
Upvotes	97
Comments	47
Date	June 3, 2025 6:16 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1l2j880/family/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/family.1553821 https://theredarchive.com/post/1553821

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