Men who went to therapy during or after the divorce. What did you learn?

Slight-Drop9527 · 2025-10-22T13:13:54+00:00

How much of a waste of money it was!!

biscuts99 · 2025-08-29T12:42:05+00:00

It really helped me unfuck my world view i had gotten stuck in.

2025-08-23T16:21:36+00:00

I'm not surprised to see a mixed response here. But it's helpful to see the different results from different men at least

Schmetts · 2025-08-22T21:07:15+00:00

I'd be completely lost without my therapist, and I'm really grateful that I started seeing her a year or so before the divorce so there was already a connection there.

The fact is my wife was the person that I shared everything with, so with her gone, I needed someone else to be that person, even if I have to pay them. I also needed someone who can empathize with my side, someone I can share feelings of anger with, someone who can measure my progress, help me be kind to myself.

KendhammerJ · 2025-08-22T18:51:32+00:00

I thought therapy was useful so I had someone to talk to, but I really didn't start moving forward until I took responsibility for the actions I was taking after divorce and made the right improvements. I felt like therapy was just talking about my problems that it is ok to miss my spouse, but it didn't truly change my mindset. I got a lot more value from books like The Rational Male, No More Mr. Nice Guy, 12 Rules or Life and The Four Agreements

I am grateful as hell that I went through the divorce 8 years ago. There would be no way I am the man I am today without that pain - https://youtu.be/K_Z560cMuuk?si=13IxZn5b8KrVUAzw

upvotersfortruth · 2025-08-22T08:56:19+00:00

I learned how to talk nicely to myself.

Reflog1791 · 2025-08-22T05:15:49+00:00

Breathing exercises to curb anxiety. Letting go. Practicing gratitude. Healthy lifestyle. Building a life by design. The purpose of life. Fatherhood tips. Much more.

Sad-Present-1077 · 2025-08-21T15:50:38+00:00

I learned that the divorce was all her fault.

big_beat__manifesto · 2025-08-21T14:32:07+00:00

I learned so much. I learned that I've been carrying trauma since childhood.. How to identify it and process it. How it manifests in negative ways and how I can take agency, to prevent it from causing issues in the future. That I was trapped in fight or flight mode for a decade, probably. Unable to enjoy life. Incapable of being present for others.

I learned that I had no concept of boundaries. And that I basically had no self-esteem. And importantly, these things do not take away from the good qualities that I have as a human being. I really didn't understand how deeply I hated myself. A destructive cycle that caused so many issues not only for myself but other people. I learned how to begin to forgive myself for this. Which is when real change began to happen for me.

I stopped drinking alcohol and using Marijuana entirely. I am now on my fourth day of no nicotine vaping as well. My biggest crutch of 25 years.

I learned that her issues aren't my fault and how to understand that in no way were we meant to be together. I learned how to accept that she walked away from our marriage. A lifetime of abandonment issues made this nearly destroy me, when I should have told myself 'I needed help but at least I never gave up on her'. And frankly, that I can't blame her because I fucking sucked at times. A part of that is because we are so different in some fundamental ways that we were incapable of completely appreciating one another. Positive affirmations now that are rooted in reality.

I learned how to basically like myself again. I went from an extremely depressed person.. 60 lbs overweight.. barely grooming myself, stuck in a personal hell.. To a guy who enjoys taking care of himself again. Not only have I lost the weight, I work out 4-5 times a week. I benchpress that shit away. I get excited to deep clean my house on a Saturday afternoon. Routine is anathema of inaction.

I've written an album of music with new friends which will be on streaming platforms shortly (a life goal). I'm in a band who will start playing shows soon. Something my ex and I talked about doing (I was the only one who really ever put in effort). Instead of trying hard to make it happen with her, I do it for me. And I've learned how amazing that is.

And I've met someone who is the polar opposite of my ex. I took an entire year off intentionally from dating to heal. I wanted to make sure 1000% that I was ready to be good for someone else, and to not make the same mistake again.

I will be honest here, my ex-wife was 10 years younger than me and it's difficult to blame her too much for walking away, when she was still in her late 20s. She wanted to make mistakes and "live life". I felt that we were still in the infancy of building a foundation for all of the goals we had together.

I see now that this was a fundamental flaw in our relationship. She started dating someone a few months after she left me. Her new boss at her new job, apparently. Good luck to her with that. Lol. I have her blocked on all social media (and always will), and was told this against my wishes to know nothing about her life. But it feels good to not feel like I'm burying my head in the sand about it. I was surprised how little I cared. Therapy helps a lot.

I tried my hardest to help her get therapy herself when we were together. I was just with someone who didn't care. What a relief to no longer be investing my time and effort into someone who not only didn't give a shit, but resented me for "stealing" her youth. 😂

The person I'm seeing now is only a few years younger than me (instead of 10) and 100% on the same wavelength. It feels.. odd to be appreciated in ways that I wasn't for so long. To allow myself to be vulnerable and trust someone else with my feelings. Someone who shows up emotionally.

But it's a reminder that even I deserved better. I just needed to learn what was wrong (with myself). Through therapy, that became possible. And once it all clicked, it actually became easy to do. But I was already in a position to want to change myself - even when I was with my ex-wife. I just had no idea how.

Every day is an opportunity to be better for yourself and other people.

punkmucker · 2025-08-21T13:52:41+00:00

no amount of explaining will ever make someone with BPD understand you.

Helpful-Paramedic463 · 2025-08-21T11:13:57+00:00

Went during and after. I learned that it wasn't that valuable for me. Everything I spoke about with two different therapists I spoke to my brothers and very good friends about.

I didn't have child hood trauma, my parents were amazing. No drugs or abuse in my marriage.

I just failed lit fully understand my ex's history which was polar opposite to mine. It eventually caught up to her.

Techdude_Advanced · 2025-08-21T07:32:06+00:00

I had about 5-6 sessions. Accepted I was partially to blame but I wasn't her therapist and I also realized I showed up way too much in the relationship, forgot about me and taking care of myself. I learned to be selfish and never ever compromise in a relationship with women.

I also specifically went to a male therapist. That was a game changer.

mcjustplaininsane · 2025-08-21T06:17:00+00:00

I was always accepting of my portion of the weight of the marriage failing, but I learned that I was carrying way too much of her portion of that weight. Then I had to learn to put that weight down even though she wasn’t going to pick it up and be accountable for it.

I also learned just how much she abused the word “control” when throwing it at me, and while passively abdicating her need to make decisions for herself. That she displayed a passive posture specifically so that she couldn’t be held responsible if the decisions I made went south. Also that she probably learned this from her dad, and when he died was when things started to implode bc that dynamic then transferred to our relationship. It put me into the assertive male role which allowed her to remain the “blameless victim”.

TL;DR- she chose to not make decisions just so she could hold the decisions I made at fault.

three-cups · 2025-08-21T05:16:00+00:00

So much. Yes, it was all my fault. But not in an accusatory way, in a way that showed me why it didn’t work. And in a way that showed me my ex’s flaws as well. It has taught me to be myself. I am happier now than I ever dreamed possible.

mchop68 · 2025-08-21T02:55:00+00:00

I learned that I wasn’t a big problem in my marriage. There were things I could have done differently but who I am to my core is not a difficult person to love intensely.

Also helps to get validation from our friends and family (in-laws included) that she walked away from a good thing.

major92653 · 2025-08-21T02:24:00+00:00

I had a good experience with therapy after divorce, and I liked my therapist. Not the norm from what I have read here on Reddit, but it worked well for me.

I learned I wasn’t as bad in the marriage as my ex-wife made me out to be, she was responsible for the divorce as well, and I was also a good Dad.

Basically the therapist reversed the ex-wife’s projections of being a bad husband and a bad Dad, and that was all I needed at that time.

NotYours25 · 2025-08-21T01:39:01+00:00

Finding and building a relationship with your therapist can take time. Years in fact.

Find what works for you and do the work.

Basically you get what you put into it.

I learned:

-Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, nor hell a fury like a woman scorned

-Less is more

-Healing takes time

-Grief is not linear

-I’m still standing

Kind-Number-419 · 2025-08-21T01:10:16+00:00

I learned if both parties are willing it's important to get therapy prior to divorce papers. Also, our therapist laid a ground rule that neither party was allowed to threaten divorce while going through the therapy process. Any divorce talk should be handled in couples therapy. I also learned that therapy is not necessarily going to save your marriage. In my case, it was a catalyst to moving us towards divorce. It's also essential that each person have their own therapist. And when you do couples therapy, its important that you do therapy sessions with your therapist, and with their therapist so each person feels they have someone in their corner. And if you don't like your therapist, keep looking. I had to go through 4 before I found one I connected with.

nonotmeporfavor · 2025-08-21T00:57:18+00:00

I learned that voicing my opinion and thoughts was better than offloading on my friends.

Then I realized learning in between sessions helped a lot. Then realizing if I create an informed ChatGPT prompt filled the gaps better than any therapist.

So, I went from three sessions to one a week with a real therapist on more of an on track check in.

TimelyResearch1702 · 2025-08-21T00:44:51+00:00

I am surprised that so many commenting her had negative experiences with therapy. I went through several therapists over years (as they retired or moved to different states), and all of them were great and helped a lot.

But you have to know what therapy is and what to expect. Therapy is not going to solve a problem of cheating wife or unfair custody order. Therapy is to identify problematic thought patterns in your head and teach you to break them using evidence based tools and techniques. If you come with that expectation to a CBT or DBT expert therapist, you'll get what you are looking for and life will improve a lot.

TimelyResearch1702 · 2025-08-21T00:16:19+00:00

The therapist is not your friend.

The therapist cannot relate to your situation and therefore lacks empathy foe what you are experiencing.

The therapist will not give advice or solve your problem.

Pristine-Public4860 · 2025-08-21T00:11:35+00:00

I'm going through therapy. During the marriage, I learned not to trust the therapist. She was so biased towards my ex, it was ridiculous. I called her out a couple times, but at the last session I just ended it.

You have to be able to advocate for yourself, therapists have biases just like the rest of us.

Ok-Reward-7731 · 2025-08-20T23:58:43+00:00

I went through AA recovery, one-on-one talk therapy, and worked with a psychiatrist.

I found limitations to each but that they worked together comprehensively.

TBH 12 step recovery was the most impactful, not just because I stopped drinking, but because the steps helped me confront resentments and dishonesty.

Highly recommend

Impossible_Tour411 · 2025-08-20T23:52:14+00:00

I think it helps. Therapy isn’t a magic pill and it does require effort on your part. They can help you sort your thoughts make the venting you do about your ex more constructive and they can give some idea about issues with your ex just by hearing your side of things. But, they will not call it a diagnosis by any means. I have found it useful just to be able to talk about it. I was in therapy for about a year before I felt like I didn’t need to go anymore.

Ok_Business5507 · 2025-08-20T23:48:31+00:00

Recently identified that I am a codependent. A huge factor, believe, in my part of the end of my marriage. If I’d determined this soon I might have made changes that could have helped.

ApprehensiveSpare925 · 2025-08-20T23:46:27+00:00

Yes. It helped me work thru my PTSD which was the result of narcissistic abuse. Helped me thru my depression. Helped to hold myself accountable. Helped me see red flags in a woman who was interested in me.

Vollen595 · 2025-08-20T23:17:22+00:00

I learned my ex was a narcissistic psychopath.

Title	Men who went to therapy during or after the divorce. What did you learn?
Author	kainwolf
Upvotes	28
Comments	63
Date	August 20, 2025 11:14 PM UTC (11 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1mvul41/men_who_went_to_therapy_during_or_after_the/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/men-who-went-to-therapy-during-or-after-the.1560074 https://theredarchive.com/post/1560074

Comments