Common dating advice does nothing for the average guy actually struggling

RecycledMatrix · 2026-03-18T21:56:30+00:00

Want actual advice?

Half of this subreddit should get their testosterone levels checked for falling for the trap that theorymaxxing in isolation will yield results.

what595654 · 2026-03-18T19:40:55+00:00

I think the real problem is many humans want things, but they don't want to do the work.

You want to attract a woman? Having your shit together is what matters, because it naturally breeds confidence.

Have your career in order. You don't have to be rich, but, you should be doing something you are proud of. Either the job, or they pay. Or both.
Have your physical and mental health in order? You don't need to be a gym bro. But, you should be in shape, taking care of yourself.
You should have friends. You should have above average social skills. You should be able to hold a conversation with anyone. Most humans (including women) don't know how to converse. So, if you can, you stand out.
You should have interest and hobbies that you care about. So, you are interesting, and not one dimensional. Videogames, generally speaking, are not a good hobby. Your hobbies should consist of something you have to work at. That produces something tangible, or that betters you in some way. Otherwise, it looks more like a time wasting activity, which gives the impression, you don't value your time. Which gives the impression, you don't value yourself.
You should have good values that you hold yourself accountable to. Treating everyone with respect. In control of your emotions. Knowing when to let loose, when to hold back.

Not everything needs to be perfect, but the more of these things you have at an above average level, the more confidence you will have in life, as well as meeting women.

If you sit at home playing videogames all day and watching porn. Then you go out and try to talk to women. You are going to fail. Maybe you can fake confidence by psyching yourself up, for a bit. Maybe even get lucky. But, that isn't going to last. You can lie to other people, but you can't lie to yourself. It will come out eventually.

You need to do the work.

Being really honest. If you are on reddit. You are already at a disadvantage. Social media is not the real world. It is mostly a distraction and waste of time.

ElBajitoGordito · 2026-03-18T19:38:49+00:00

The only advice for the average guy I can give is this. You are probably not as bad as you think. Are you 15-25% bf, are you over 5ft5/6, are you not objectively ugly? Do you have some masculine traits? Confidence, low neuroticism, deep voice etc. Congrats, you have enough to compete - you meet the minimum requirements. You just need to be in a high volume area and leave your house enough.

Talk to lots of women an in real life and keep things simple. Cold reads/assumptions, tease playfully (non sexually, advnaced only), touch escalation. Get a number and plan a date although you can probably get to a kiss or a make-out on the first meet. If you like dancing and are confident in your body, you can probably get occasional ONS in clubs.

Then, when you get women into bed, go down on them and get decent at it make sure she cums...read about it if you have to. Great sex is like a massive neurochemical bribe that gets her hooked emotionally.

You may not get the ideal woman that you want but you will be able to get some women, maybe one of them will be good enough or you level up until you can get what you want.

I am far from perfect and have struggled to improve beyond beginner but before all this I was on zero everything numbers, dates, lays, situationships. I thought you needed LMS to talk to women, that talking to women is borderline harassment. Its all nonsense. Soon enough you break the societal programming.

Just open your mouth say something. The next time open it some more and say something better. Repeat between 10-10,000 times. Life is short. Take action.

LawyerAdvanced6408 · 2026-03-18T19:30:59+00:00

What a lot of men fail to realize is that most women value authenticity above all else in dating. They tell you to "just be yourself" because they dislike the idea of someone presenting a calculated version of himself. That strategic, game-theory approach scares them off. Even if your true self eliminates you from dating entirely, to them that's a net benefit. There are reasons you're not dating, and presenting that version of yourself lets you be filtered out early, saving everyone time.

On a biological level it makes sense. Women are naturally cautious about deception and hidden intentions, so "be yourself" isn't just feel-good advice, it's practical. A lot of guys struggle in dating simply because inexperience makes them nervous and their mind goes blank, which actually gets in the way of showing who they really are. Sometimes it helps to chat more with strangers on social apps, or use dating simulators like chαtvisor to build experience and confidence so you can show up more naturally. That's at least working with the principle rather than against it. But at its core, "be yourself" basically means: be okay with who you are, and hopefully that's enough. If someone likes you, great. If not, to most women you're better off alone than out there deceiving people.

HypeTekCrew · 2026-03-18T20:56:04+00:00

What if the person you are is awkward and shit, or too blunt, and people don't get you. Then you need to change who you are...

WebNew9978 · 2026-03-18T21:09:26+00:00

Because common dating advice is absolute dogshit and needs to be called out.

ChicoBrillo · 2026-03-18T19:36:56+00:00

It's bad advice if you are a hard case newbie, neurodivergent, or below average in social skill.

It's good to learn the "rules" a sub like this will direct you towards in the beginning.

However, after you've learned what for some people comes naturally, "be yourself" starts being good advice again.

Dandys3107 · 2026-03-19T04:39:00+00:00

I think it’s more about that “average guy that is actually struggling” has lots of misconceptions about seduction and women’s nature deeply ingrained and often gets a bit stubborn about changing and improving himself out of bitterness and frustration. Also, he should follow guidance from guys that are actually successful with picking up women, not common dating advice from public opinion which is usually vague or blatantly wrong.

SpaceCheeseWizard · 2026-03-19T11:20:26+00:00

For guys struggling, the advice should be; get down into the dirt and understand who you really are and what you really want in life. This is not a question to be taken lightly. When you start going out there, throwing yourself at things, talk to people, get out of your comfort zone, fail enormously, that’s the moment when you start to learn about yourself and where you need to go. It doesn’t come from sitting still and hoping some brilliant insight will come.

You need to even suffer more than you were already doing to transform yourself. And not many are willing to go through with that. But in the end it will always be better than the dread of a life long regret.

abcsofattraction · 2026-03-20T15:39:42+00:00

The “just be yourself” problem runs even deeper than you’re describing. For a lot of men, especially ones who grew up in cultures that rewarded academic achievement and deference over social confidence, “being yourself” means expressing a version of themselves that was never calibrated for attraction in the first place. It’s not fake versus authentic. It’s trained versus untrained.

The short term versus long term point is also underrated. Relationship advice assumes you’re already in one. Communication skills, emotional availability, boundary setting, all useful, but they’re solving a problem you don’t have yet if you can’t get past the first interaction.

What actually bridges the gap is understanding that attraction has a physical and emotional component that operates before logic, before personality, before any of the stuff relationship advice addresses. Posture, eye contact, vocal tone, taking up space, leading interactions. None of that is fake. It’s just most guys were never taught it and “be yourself” actively discourages learning it because it implies you shouldn’t need to.

The other thing worth adding: most guys who end up in relationships through circumstance, as you put it, develop no transferable skills from it. When that relationship ends they’re back to zero because they never understood what created attraction in the first place. They just got lucky with proximity and timing.

Understanding the mechanics is what separates guys who have options from guys who are waiting to get picked.

pumpitup365 · 2026-03-18T20:41:19+00:00

A lot of people aren't going to find someone and will have to be content alone. Same applies to women.

Matter_Still · 2026-03-19T00:41:33+00:00

I think "just be yourself" suggests, don't engage in spasms to be someone you're not. The common term in couples counselling is "accommodation". If you're not comfortable, let's say, with paragliding, please be honest about it. If you think Jesus is lord, don't sasy otherwise to curry favor.

THAT's the kind of integrity that helps any guy, whether he's had sex a hundred times or never, because the day will come when a woman finds that both admirable and brave.

Remarkable_Outside67 · 2026-03-18T20:37:31+00:00

I always thought the whole “just be yourself” idea was kind of mediocre, but honestly, I think it needs a different perspective.

You can learn seduction, social skills, techniques — all of that. But if applying those means completely changing your personality, that’s where you create inconsistency within yourself.

“Be yourself” shouldn’t be taken as “just relax, someone will eventually love you as you are.” It should mean becoming a better man every day — and that should naturally include learning how to relate to the opposite sex.

EmperrorNombrero · 2026-03-18T20:48:23+00:00

THANK YOU !

Like "be yourself/communicate openly" with who ? I don't even talk to women. Like, it happens maybe 4 times a year that I have an actual conversation with a girl that is longer than 5 sentences.

becomesharp · 2026-03-18T21:17:51+00:00

thats exactly why this subculture exists

Lacunaethra · 2026-03-18T22:14:32+00:00

Common dating advice and seduction don't share much except for the basics.

SettingOutrageous538 · 2026-03-20T04:21:14+00:00

you are not wrong. I also believe we need to have our own life in order first. However, we still need social reps, starting where stakes are low. A simple structure helps though: open, hold for 60-90 seconds, exit clean, repeat. Treat it like training sets instead of “this one must work.” What helped me most was drilling responses out loud daily so I stopped freezing and sounding robotic. I used RizzRise for that kind of practice and the biggest change was confidence + faster, calmer replies in real conversations. Generic, abstract advice feels useless until you have enough reps to execute it under pressure.

CharmingRejector · 2026-03-21T04:07:17+00:00

"Just be yourself" isn't dating advice. It's an excuse so they can talk about something less depressing than your inability to attract women.

There's a drop of truth in the advice however. Because you should never try to be someone you're not. That's where you run into a ton of trouble. But that doesn't mean that you shouldn't try to be your best self. Obviously, if you don't even try, then you probably don't deserve a woman at all.

With that said, there are ways you can become more attractive, or charming - like me.

It all starts by you stopping the self pity party, and that you get your ass off the sofa and go out and interact with people. And I mean that. People. Not just girls. And especially not the hottest girls. That's low value. Moreover, it screams desperation to her, which is even lower value. So you've gotta know how to make people - in general - feel good. Once you're there, then just keep doing that until you meet a nice girl who likes you just as much as that fat girl likes you. Then keep talking to her, and start a family.

StrawberryLogical341 · 2026-04-04T17:21:37+00:00

he short term vs long term thing is spot on. all the advice about communication and boundaries is useless if you cant get past the first 5 minutes of a conversation without your brain going blank. what nobody talks about is that attraction isnt some mysterious thing you either have or dont. theres actual mechanics to it, conversation flow, reading signals, knowing when to push and when to pull back, and you can practice those separately just like any other skill. the problem is most guys try to learn all of it live with real stakes every time and then wonder why they keep repeating the same mistakes. i started practicing specific things in isolation before doing them for real. stuff like keeping a conversation going past the small talk phase, or recovering when theres an awkward silence. used flagd for some of it where you practice with different AI personalities and get told exactly where the conversation died and why. sounds weird but its the same concept as the guy above talking about reps, except youre not burning through real interactions to get those reps. once the basics became automatic i stopped freezing and could actually be present instead of running a script in my head

bmcapers · 2026-03-18T20:52:48+00:00

Yeah, I agree. I tend to view things through the lens of owner and laborer. Just be yourself can sound empowering, but can also function as a core value within a system that gives the impression of control while subtly reinforcing a laborer role.

MSHUser · 2026-03-18T21:59:49+00:00

The advice is sound, the problem is usually the framing.

This advice is often framed as "just be yourself, and girls will like you and have sex with you." If this is all you need, then you'd be racking up numbers and body counts by now. But it usually isn't.

At the same time, I have enough dating experience to actually disagree with succeeding "short term" (if we're talking about casual sex that is).

The advice needed for short term success can come from the basics of holding a conversation, develop sense of humor, be relatable, focus on emotions, express interests, and actually work towards asking her out, keeping in contact, setting the date, etc. These ones I usually have no problem with.

But it actually requires more than that. You gotta develop wit, charm, showcase sense of humor, tease them, be the active one to flirt, be smooth, move to the next level at a high point, touch, be the one to manage logistics, be the leader in conversation and seduction.

Here's my problem with this. Only a few certain guys naturally have this type of personality and it comes easy for them. Personality is a part of temperament, which is what just comes to us on instinct. For guys who don't have this instinct, sure they can engage in self-help to develop them as skills, but they require cognitive engagement. Even if you master them and it becomes second nature, it's still cognitive. In this situation, you got guys putting on a social mask and we call that "being your best self". To me, short term success is pretty much pointless if it's too much pressure for me to develop these traits and put them into practice. I'm not a maximizer like I used to be, too much pressure just to get sex that may or may not be even good.

In this case, I will make a good case in being yourself. This is assuming that you know how to make conversation, you know how to gauge interest, and you put in the necessary effort in getting her attention and talking to her. In being yourself, you get to be the person and exhibit traits that comes naturally to you, even if it's introversion, reservedness, maybe even shy. You put your natural self out there, and observe how she acts when around that. Does she light up and engage easily in conversation with you, or does she look like she needs more game, more attraction building? The first situation I'll engage with, the latter I'll always walk away from.

What the "be yourself" advice often do is they talk about the positives: you get to find someone that likes you for you, you get to relax and spend time with them, you can be vulnerable and have them like you for this, and 'you'll just know'. What they don't often talk about is the tradeoffs you're making. If you are being yourself, that means missing out on developing traits that you lack that would help you in seduction. Maybe you feel comfortable when she shows reciprocation early on (which most girls don't do), maybe you don't want to initiate flirting all the time and want it to naturally build up this way, maybe you don't want to lead the seduction just to get the sex (you want this person to actually show you why they're worth pursuing, otherwise imo the sex is not worth it even if you get it). One might say you might risk getting thrown in the friend category. But me personally, that's okay. I don't mind being friendzoned by a mismatch.

Maybe you're the kind of guy that finds fulfilment in hanging back, going with the flow, and mutual reciprocation, yet the woman you're dealing with wants you to lead the interaction, be the one to read her signals and initiate, and get reciprocation in the form of her receptivity. This is a situation where the pairing is a mismatch.

The JBY advice often suffers from a lack of managing expectations and keeping them realistic.

morphinetango · 2026-03-19T00:36:01+00:00

My advice: don't expect that you're gonna fix your life, or someone body else's, in under 100 words.

ToxicRocketry · 2026-03-19T12:41:51+00:00

Which for a lot of guys, is never the starting point.

No, they just don't see the women that are interested. Or if they do and they mess up, whether from hesitation or saying something blatantly stupid to offend her, they will often make excuses as to why it would never have worked out anyway or that she wasn't interested because she wasn't throwing herself at them.

I speak from personal experience as someone who messed up many, many opportunities, even after I first started having success with women. And yet it took me a very long time to admit to myself that I could've gotten laid/gotten a girlfriend long before I actually did and there was nothing stopping me aside from myself.

Also "be yourself" always came with the implicit understanding that it was referring to the "best version of yourself". Having a weird sense of humor and rolling with it anyway is "being yourself". Being unable to open your mouth and say "Hi" to an attractive girl is just having shitty social skills and can and should be fixed.

bigolboooom · 2026-03-19T16:32:06+00:00

Yeah, Jeffrey Dahmer and the BTK killer were just being themselves. Sometimes you need to change things about yourself. OMG CRAZY RIGHT?!?!?

Kgb725 · 2026-03-19T17:29:22+00:00

The problem is a lot of them are either not approaching or fucking it up completely.

Title	Common dating advice does nothing for the average guy actually struggling
Author	Comfortable-Hat1761
Upvotes	107
Comments	75
Date	March 18, 2026 7:24 PM UTC (4 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/1rxdisx/common_dating_advice_does_nothing_for_the_average/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/common-dating-advice-does-nothing-for-the-average.1575836 https://theredarchive.com/post/1575836

Comments