Desperation isn’t that bad.

toasterchild · 2026-06-23T14:37:48+00:00

This seems a bit like you're discussing attachment theory. Yes, i would agree that an anxiously attached person would make a better partner than an avoidant one. However neither are the optimal choice. The best choice is the person in the middle who is securely attached, they will make a more stable partner long term.

SylvarGrl · 2026-06-23T14:59:21+00:00

Desperation implies that someone is not well-balanced enough as a person to manage their emotions and is likely to make reckless choices in order to get what they want. It is “that bad”.

PuzzleheadedRow9896 · 2026-06-23T14:42:25+00:00

I think mature adults are not eager for romantic connections because they recognize this is something which takes time to cultivate, represents a huge paradigm shift for life, and that this process is hard and requires a lot of compromises. They want a romantic connection with the right person at the right time in the right way. And, they recognize finding this is unlikely and that the most likely outcome is either wasting their time or heartache. They are not like a golden retriever puppy about the concept.

I think you're just not imagining this as a fully-fleshed out person. Why are they desperate to not be single? How would that desperation shape other behavior? How would their behavior alter once they are no longer single in the most likely scenario?

Desperation does not come from good places. It does not shape good outcomes. The most likely scenario is not that he strives to be the perfect man for her. The most likely scenario is that he strives to not be single. Most people are not given to reaching towards perfection, they're given to insecurity, control, and doing the bare minimum and making up the rest in lies, bullshit, and manipulation. And none of this would not go hand in hand with having a good personality, attractiveness, and being a decent partner because the standard for decent is not very high.

Compatibility is key and when you're desperate, you fake compatibility. I know because I've dated a lot of desperate guys I didn't realize were until the mask they'd faked (striving to be the guy I wanted) slipped and the guy they actually were came through. And it was awful for all involved.

cb8585b · 2026-06-23T14:52:47+00:00

Clingy, anxious, dependent. Nope. Big ick.

ashpr0ulx · 2026-06-23T15:01:34+00:00

it can easily be bad when the desperation means he isn’t actually in love with me, isn’t interested in my hopes and dreams and goals and fears. or when the desperation means forcing things or pushing for relationship milestones too early. there’s a difference between a man who is interested and intentional and upfront about what they want and a man who just wants a relationship, not necessarily caring that it’s with me.

this is a common fear/insecurity men have that we see displayed on this sub. men don’t want to be settled for, they don’t want to be with women who aren’t really interested in their heart and soul, they worry about being in a relationship where their partner isn’t intensely attracted to them.

why would women feel differently?

Lacunaethra · 2026-06-23T14:38:45+00:00

but are desperate to not be single.

exactly. it's not that they want a relationship because they fell in love with a certain person; they want a relationship with *any* person.

This puts many people off, regardless the gender.

Gravel_Roads · 2026-06-23T15:37:09+00:00

Anyone who’s interacted with a desperate person for an extended period of time would disagree. Those are the folks who cry a lot, struggle to believe you when you say you love them, and then say they’ll probably kill themselves if you ever broke up.

They’re also more likely to cheat if the opportunity presents itself, because their desperation makes it hard to not pursue all forms of attention

pie-mart · 2026-06-23T15:14:50+00:00

I don't want a man who fights to be the perfect man for me. Or struggles. Or basically pretends to be what he thinks I want

That bypasses the whole concept of compatibility

I want the perfect man who is naturally that man, but still puts effort in being the best version of that, as much as he can

I do not want any man doing the whole "I'll figure out what type of man is your perfect man then be that man until I get tired of pretending" bit

I want the man i want who doesn't have to force it

behappyfor · 2026-06-23T14:55:18+00:00

Just NO

prettywords_ · 2026-06-23T14:36:55+00:00

I want a guy to want me specifically. I don't want to be interchangeable.

CallMyParents · 2026-06-23T14:55:22+00:00

On the female side a guy like that would probably fight to be the perfect man for you, not sure where the bad is in that

Desperate men are often insecure men and insecure men often turn into toxic abusers, believe it or not.

WknessTease · 2026-06-23T15:05:46+00:00

A desperate person needs you like a drug, they don't love you for who you are. Actually, needing something is the opposite of love. You end up being someone's drug dealer, except the drug in question is attention and affection.

This can only lead to bad things. So, no thank you.

LofiStarforge · 2026-06-23T14:56:46+00:00

You are trying to rationalize things that can’t be fully rationalized. A lot of attraction is subconscious we try to make just so stories when there is a million things going on under the hood.

Desperation is one of the biggest turn offs in the world even if rationally it doesn’t make sense. Everyone who has dealt with it though knows it.

I dated a woman once who was perfect on paper but there was an underlying desperation that I couldn’t fully explain on what was just such a turn off.

DashboardPilled · 2026-06-23T15:16:59+00:00

I don't know in which world you live but women are not desperate to date men. So the whole "if she is desperate, it's good" is more of a hypothetical. Women pretty much hold all the cards both for sex and commitment and they are mostly choosing to be alone.

On the men's side, desperation creates a race to the bottom. When 7s are so desperate not to end up alone that they start poaching 5s, that automatically forces 5s to date down and poach 3s. This is not healthy for the overall market. At some point, being single becomes the more rational choice because you are better off doing hobbies alone then being a dancing monkey in a market where your looksmatch can easily get someone way higher than her league.

lesliecarbone · 2026-06-23T14:39:42+00:00

Desperation leads to clingy-ness.
No, thank you.

NiaMiaBia · 2026-06-23T14:36:38+00:00

Hm. The way I see it, desperation comes from a place of “lack” - it’s “anxious” energy, which can be a turnoff.

TBF, I date women and there was one in particular that had desperate “I’ll do anything to be with you” energy. It was a bit annoying.

Secret_Entry1840 · 2026-06-23T16:34:17+00:00

My friend just got out of a 17 year relationship. It’s been toxic for a really long time. Hasn’t had sex in 12 years. They were both miserable. Both were afraid of being alone. Both fell for the sunk loss fallacy. He’s angry and lost and depressed and doesn’t know who he is. He’s jaded/bitter about the idea of sex.

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Novadina · 2026-06-23T17:35:45+00:00

I can’t see it on a certain level. I’m talking more about the type of desperation where they have a good personality and are reasonably physically attractive and are genuinely a good partner based on their specs but are desperate to not be single.

If they are attractive and fun, why would they be desperate? Desperate people have a reason for being so, an insecurity, a history of rejection, trauma, etc.

On the female side a guy like that would probably fight to be the perfect man for you, not sure where the bad is in that, because mostly women will just trade for the opposite flaw. Wouldn’t it be great to pick a man that shows his hand rather than a guy that can keep the cards to his chest and run you for a fool?

Because that’s not how it plays out with desperate men. They aren’t making themselves be a perfect man - they are constantly worrying the woman will leave. They will harass her to not wear clothing or makeup they think other men might like as they think if a man hits her, she will dump him. They don’t want her to go to work, as male coworkers might talk to her. They don’t want her to hang out with friends as men might exist and hit on her. They will ask for all the details of her past they don’t actually want to know and obsess about the dick size of her previous partners for no reason. It gets exhausting dealing with a partner like that. Every woman I know that has tried eventually gave up in exhaustion and had to dump the guy.

Male side a reasonably attractive woman with a good personality but is just a bit desperate it really just goes the same way.

What reason would a reasonably attractive woman with a good personality have to be desperate? Like how would that occur? The “just a bit desperate” women I’ve known had mental illness that men would be okay with in the beginning, but lose tolerance for. Or they were just really annoying, which is not really a good personality. There’s a reason she’s desperate, and if previous men tired of it, future men might too, resulting in the desperation.

There is a level where it’s crazy, that’s not what I’m talking about.

Then why would she be desperate?

EugeneCezanne · 2026-06-23T18:34:08+00:00

Desperation is unappealing for several reasons. One is that is evinces a lack of confidence and self-reliance. That may seem abstract, until you actually date the person and find their behavior insecure and clingy.

Another is that it feels depersonalized. A desperate person wants a relationship. A chill person wants an individual. Most people want to be wanted for who they are, not what role they can fill.

Lastly, desperation can create undue pressure. I see this a lot: guys get a chance and then want to escalate the relationship or express feelings that the woman isn't ready for yet. Had things slowed down, they might have been fine; but now she feels like she has to make a firm decision in the moment, which is usually "this isn't working out."

emmarie1023 · 2026-06-24T01:23:50+00:00

A desperate man is a scary man. I know it’s a small percentage, but a man who is desperate for sex may push your boundaries, not listen to your nos and force himself on you. A guy who has a lot of options, if you’re not complying, will just go find someone else who will.

RelativeCondition915 · 2026-06-24T03:02:41+00:00

I want someone to like me, not like being not single.

You'll never know if someone genuinely likes you unless they're comfortable being alone.

Chill_Pill4Real · 2026-06-24T04:36:11+00:00

Desperate people tend to get what they want through any means necessary, it’s a massive red flag for why they’re desperate, but it’s also a red flag since they’d be much more likely to try and obtain you through insidious means

bettercallsalty · 2026-06-24T14:36:19+00:00

Ever been hungry to the point where food you normally hate looks good? Imagine that but a potential girlfriend.

Emotional_Meal748 · 2026-06-23T20:53:14+00:00

Honestly pity sex gets a bad rep too. There are periods that a man is really down and in a dark place and pity sex can really help the man leave that place.

But women don’t wanna help men. They only accept you if you crawl out of that dark place on your own. Unfortunately, many men don’t make it (suicide, dead inside, checked out, etc.)

I’m starting to think they also get a sadistic pleasure from seeing a man down and in a dark place. I just wish they knew themselves and their sadism and narcissism and instead of avoiding it, at least lean into it and own it.

Title	Desperation isn’t that bad.
Author	RiceApprehensive483
Upvotes	5
Comments	111
Date	June 23, 2026 2:29 PM UTC (1 month ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1udiq8u/desperation_isnt_that_bad/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/desperation-isnt-that-bad.1583458 https://theredarchive.com/post/1583458

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