Anyone else here not actively dating/hooking up and not planning to ?

thewetdog_ · 2020-01-17T01:01:20+00:00

Me.

This sub blessed my life during the collapse of my 1-year serious rs and even though my ex has come crawling back, the aversion on my part is too much and too real.

I’m triggered by stuff that went down between us, triggered by the immediate fallout from the break up and mostly, severely triggered by (what I feel) is highly manipulative and brazen shit he turned up with trying to reconcile.

Literally to the point where I have random flashbacks of things that happened or things that were said or written during the day and physically feel the distress/rage/indignation.

Add to that what I see on this sub and I literally backing into female spaces... away from all males. Last night I went to my all female writing collective. Today I took the bus and was thrilled when it was only like 14 women on it for half the ride.

I’m too defensive and too disappointed with men. Im starting to feel in my heart: what’s even the point?

I just want to leave it all behind and not deal with men anymore or at least any time soon :(

It’s like: it’s over. You/they won. Just leave me alone and I’ll do my best for my life but just... dont... fuck with me... when I’m here just trying to mind my own business.

At least for the time being. To summarize: a combination of my most recent experience that really ground me down to a pulp, and becoming so woke with this sub. I’d rather stay based, and get more based though. 💯 the red pill for me on this one.

Im 32f for what it’s worth.

woiashenseea · 2020-01-17T02:20:32+00:00

I'm in the same phase. Because of FDS lol

Since I feel like all that's left for me to do now on the dating front, is fucking ignore men, it forced me to realize I HAVE THE FREEDOM and skills to boss my life the fuck up, and then turn around and be generous with women children and animals. I've made a commitment to not let men distract me unless they consistently distract me with joy or something else of value, without detracting from my life. So yup, not involved rn

7_0f_9 · 2020-01-17T02:04:33+00:00

[deleted]

randomgirlimok · 2020-01-17T04:48:47+00:00

The thought of being expected to kiss a stranger after knowing them only a few hours is anxiety inducing.

Snugglyy · 2020-01-17T01:32:26+00:00

Tried it for 5 years, found out the hard way that fwb and keeping if casual is a lie being sold by 3rd wave feminism and pop culture. Men will always sabotage something they feel they can’t completely possess, even if they never wanted it in the first place.

So, been there done that. I’m good with starting the decade this dry!

ny-lady · 2020-01-17T02:34:09+00:00

Im not. Im just busy. My business has exploded.

Im also one of those... a man will come in my life when the time is right. Im good alone till then, I got me and life is good. I dont chase it, it will come.

Many times it happens when your living life not looking.

To add, I lived by FDS before I even know it existed. I was woke young.

blockhim2020 · 2020-01-17T04:04:54+00:00

I'm in the same boat. I escaped from a terrible long-term relationship last year and was really turned off by men in general after that. Then I met a guy unexpectedly and we started dating casually. I had a terrible experience and learned that casual sex is really not for me. I felt very demeaned and devalued and despite the short length of the relationship, ending it hurt more than I thought it would - I was able to end it before too much damage was done thanks to the confidence this sub gave me. None of the guys I dated were worth the emotional pain they caused and I'm just sick of it all. But because of that bad experience, I found this sub 3 months ago and I've a major mental shift for the positive. For the first time in my life, I feel like I can finally focus on only myself without trying to be a certain way for men. The philosophies of this sub have made me understand why I entertain such shitty guys and I've had so many epiphanies. I am so relieved and grateful and I am finally starting to value myself as I always should have.

I know that I need to actively work on building my self esteem and confidence and learn to enforce strong boundaries before I can have healthy relationships. I was very focused on men for many years and I need to unlearn all of those thinking patterns which could take a long time, but that's fine - I'm determined! I also just have no interest in men now because of how badly I've been treated and how I see other women being treated. I just want to strengthen and protect myself for as long as I need. Any involvement with men would hinder my progress and I need to take care of myself this time.

scaredscaredgoaway · 2020-01-17T04:44:07+00:00

This is so totally exactly where I am. I'm celibate and am tired of being ghosted and treated like crap and just cannot see the point in trying anymore.

I wish I could find more female friends in this boat. I'm 27 and most of mine are shacked up and want to do nothing but hole up (or conversely, travel) with their pets and significant others.

I'm an introvert so I don't even want to go out all the time, but it's come to a point where these women can't even be bothered to respond and are behaving like LVM, taking days to respond to a single text. And these are the ones WITHOUT children, btw.

Only one lady actively hits me up, but she's 39 and I'm sorry to say, a total pickmeisha. Always trying to date dudes 10+ years younger than her (and I'm sorry, but she is not well-preserved so you can see the age difference easily) and sending me messages looking for me to validate the fact that she's still reaching out to her 26 y/o ex...who dumped her like a week ago.

I'm starting to wish everyone on this sub lived in the same area so we could all just arrange times to do this in person. It is so hard to find like-minded single women IRL who understand and can empathize.

butterflymeadowzz · 2020-01-17T01:55:40+00:00

Everything written here relates to me closely.

nartuhli · 2020-01-17T03:00:06+00:00

This girl right here! I’ve gone on exactly one date since adopting my dog 4 months ago and simply realized dating takes time away from her, and she’s literally my best friend and is number one in my life soooo... looks like I don’t have time for dating!

confused_desklamp · 2020-01-17T01:35:00+00:00

I didn't really date for three years after being a doormat for an abusive ex. Moved back home, spent the first half of last year going on dozens of first dates via Hinge. Stopped around September when I realized I wasn't meeting people I organically would meet and there was no foundation of friendship... ie, a foundation built on mutual respect.

Then I started dating one of my best friends and what started out so wonderful where I couldn't stop singing his praises to my friends and family for him respecting my boundaries has now turned into.... receiving the silent treatment because I laid down the law when he made a comment about monogamy benefitting from casual extramarital hookups every once in a while. In bed. After we'd been... more intimate (I'm saving sex for marriage, but really enjoyed the physical respect and care he showed when we spent time together), and I was in his bed, not fully clothed. I've been the dumb fox but also just supportive of him professionally, academically, emotionally, et al. He doesn't have to know exactly what he wants in life yet or what he wants from me, but I made it very clear when I forced him to ask me out on explicit dates and explicitly own the conversation around exclusivity and labels that we'd be in a committed relationship and such. So, yeah. that happened.... 20 hours ago? I told him to get back to me when he knows what the heck he wants from dating and in the mean time i've made fun plans to go out with my friends this weekend and been super productive and know I deserve so much better and not to settle. I shouldn't have to tell a grown man that decrying monogamy whilst in bed with your exclusive and waiting-for-marriage SO is inappropriate. I'm ready to walk away. I'm over it. I'm just not going to beg him to talk to me. He can man up and own his petty actions before I quickly pivot the conversation to "bye boy!"

So yeah, I'm ready to take a step back to evaluate men more and see if I can figure out the positive signs of maturity and men who will own responsibility in relationships. I've seen it, I just haven't gotten to experience it for myself.

themissdaydreamer · 2020-01-17T01:23:33+00:00

I've talked in other posts about being on a dating hiatus until further notice. this sub keeps me updated on the current events out there while I can focus on my personal improvement.

rabidmoon · 2020-01-17T04:21:35+00:00

I’m the same way. I don’t have a crush on anyone and it feels pretty great.

I did meet a nice guy in December (well I had talked to him before but I decided after that night I would give him a chance). He actually seemed like a gentleman and wanted to take me on a proper date but a close friend killed himself the same night and I told him I needed time but would go out with him on NYE. I didn’t make any other plans for NYE and I never heard from him. I, of course, went out alone and had a blast like I always do but I decided I’m not giving this dude a chance because he failed to even cancel with me. He’s been texting me this week wanting to “make it up to me” and I declined. He sent me a text the next night and said he obviously really upset me and to let him know if I want to go out sometime. I replied: “You didn’t upset me at all.” The audacity of these dudes. I had low interest in him in the first damn place but was going to give him a chance because he seemed nice and I have a few things in common with him.

I’ve kind of given up on making female friends down here too. If I haven’t made any in 4 years, it’s probably not going to happen for me. I’ve got true friends back home and that’s all I need. I have plenty of people to “hang out” with around here but it’s just for laughs. That’ll have to do I guess.

Ms_Tilly · 2020-01-17T02:47:34+00:00

I tend to browse old every 3-6 months, decide it's not worth it and stay off another 3-6 months. Been single since summer 2018. The last relationship was abusive. I didn't take any shit off of him, but a drama filled relationship is not for me. I'm sure he lived for it. I had a few dates last summer and dumped that one for not texting enough. Dated another one in the fall and he just stopped texting. He was ugly, out of shape, and had crippling ED so good riddance. I logged back on last night and I just made horrified noises looking at the guys with the AUDACITY to even message me. I figure the ones I actually find attractive will play games and act like they're too busy to text back in a timely manner. It's what I'm used to. The good thing is that now I don't give a single fuck if I ever go on another date. I just like putting myself out there just in case there is anyone decent. My life is fulfilling without a man in it. And I will never have another kid or live with another man.

2020-01-17T05:51:07+00:00

Me girl. About sex I can't see myself validating a fuckboy and encouraging them. And dating requires too much emotional labour, I don't enjoy it for the moment. So...

quietmirth · 2020-01-17T03:39:27+00:00

2 months out of a 3 month waste of my time. Going to be single, celibate and happy.

NoThisIs-Patrick · 2020-01-17T03:57:04+00:00

I'm not looking for anything right now. I tried but I just... nah. My life is almost perfect right now. I'm very content, comfortable, enjoying everything. I'm really obsessed with work right now - I love my coworkers, I love my patients. And I do a lot around my job because I'm completing my certification, so I'm trained to do a lot of things in case I can't assist with other things.

I can't say I don't believe in love. I do. I really, truly believe I had it once. Things fell apart there for outside reasons. That was my first real relationship, and it lasted five years. Then I rebounded with a douche who cheated on me. That was one year. Then I took a year off dating. Then I fell hard for the lowest of the low because I felt we could bond over our trauma. Turned out he was more broken than I was. Then I started dating this other guy who broke my heart worse because he told me he was everything that he really wasn't. I believe he was those things for other people, but not for a woman.

So... I'm quite defeated when it comes to men. I really have no interest in it right now. But I do have an appointment with a matchmaker in March, and I'm going to start my dating journey again with her. She'll help me work on the areas of my life I want to improve before I date again.

Or not. I don't really care. There's so many beautiful people in my life now... I can't complain. I have truly never been happy until recently. I feel it would be greedy to ask for more. I will just bide my time, and hope for the best.

Unlikely-Marzipan · 2020-01-17T01:09:20+00:00

You’re not alone. After 15 years of dating, and having to deal with a range of shitty men (ranging just from being immature but decent people, to addicts, to abusers, to a finally nice guy but had codependency issues) I took 18 months off dating. Not even thinking about it. Well actually I did have 6 months of me chasing an absolute loser (cringe!) but after that I was single - no intentions of dating, and it was amazing!

I achieved so much, health wise, career wise, became certified in a new hobby, challenged myself more in terms of personal growth, and honestly it was amazing.

You do have so much more energy and so much more ability to focus on the things you enjoy and people who actually care and matter.

I do have a couple of male friends who I keep at arms length- one we catch up a couple of times a year and see a band, another is the codependent guy I mentioned, who is lovely - but my assumptions were correct that he was not really in love with me. We were friends for 12 years before we dated and he helped me get out of an abusive relationship. After I broke it off he very quickly found a new woman to “save” from an bad relationship. So he is an amazing person but I think he does have issues with that.

Now I did start dating o my casually, but met someone I really liked, but unfortunately I let way too many things slip and now I’m stuck between loving him and hating him. When he’s nice, he’s so nice. But then he gets lazy, takes me for granted, and im pretty sure starts watching porn because sex dies down a bit, and when it happens it’s much more objectifying and he’s half limp. So anyway, that’s my predicament!

I’m seriously considering breaking it off and just being flat out single again - not even dating.

Also I’m so sorry to hear that guy who you chose to break your celibacy for was such an idiot. I don’t blame you for the way you feel - completely understandable. I’m pretty sure I will never get married or have kids so dating seems a bit meh too.

jg-6 · 2020-01-17T03:45:31+00:00

🙋‍♀️

I am focusing more on nurturing and growing my business and skill set - be it getting better at teaching, art, expressing myself and surround myself with more women and men, not just girls and boys now. I am blessed to have some really endearing and high quality women and men around me, so I do not miss my ex at all, but this decade, for all of us, of the decade of growth. I am grateful for that.

My therapist on the other hand has encouraged me to have an open mind wrt the guys I meet, because now I know exactly when to shut myself up from unrequited blabbering and spot a fuckboy. So far, I am actively engaging in really good conversations with the guys I have been meeting, but that's strictly platonic. I don't double text, I don't keep them waiting nor I make myself wait for their text cos I have a tonne of other things to do. I don't bring up my ex or my breakup whatever. It's irrelevant now. He chose to be selfish and he was very much aware of it. It's on him. Not me.

BabyGothQ · 2020-01-17T05:20:46+00:00

Yup!

For a different reason though. I’ve been single for almost 2 years after a 10 year shit-storm (relationship lol).

I’ve dabbled in “dating”, mostly one fuckboi who I let play on my nice girl-cool girl personas for a few too many months. That ended twice with me saying you aren’t worth my time. Of course, I took him back a second time lmao

Then I found FDS. Right on the tail end of this guy.

I’m not very into dating these days. After delving into FDS I’ve noticed how painfully, cringely low maintenance I was in every aspect of dating. With crushes, casual sex, dating, relationships, friendships - I was allowing things to happen to and around me, without a single thought to whether I actually wanted or even liked it.

Unicorn threesomes, hooking up with friends I’d known for years randomly, allowing my No’s to become Yes’s, etc. etc. etc. If it came up, I did it.

Far less threatening but still no-no behaviors: Tinder hookups, Coffee dates, being nice and caring and open for no effort, etc.

Now, I’m re-evaluating how I want to move through the world, move through relationships, move through dating. And I’d rather have a grand, loving relationship with myself than give a single ounce of attention to low-value, low-effort anything else. That’s all, that’s it. No less.

Never any less.

2020-01-17T05:04:22+00:00

Yep. Me. I'm over it. Online dating and me just don't work. I honestly don't think there are men of value on these sites. I went on bumble for a minute the other day. It was so overwhelming. It felt so empty and desperate. Literally within the first 18 hours, I have hundreds of likes. It's a hookup culture for sure, and then comes:

"Oh, I guess we might as well just stay together, I like you enough, and am bored, and avoiding my own self conflict rn, but I'll prob still be talking to other girls casually. You won't know it though. I'll also sneak in a story or two about an ex in conversation, or my friend who's a girl, no big deal. You'll fall for me because it's new and exciting and I need validation, so I'll do just enough, and I can tell you'll prob do most of the work, so, hey, why not."

..... No. Thank you.

intrepidis_dux · 2020-01-17T07:03:40+00:00

I'm finally dating again, but it's a lot of first dates and quick ruling out of people who aren't going to be good for me. It took me quite awhile to start back up though after the last one.

It's ok if you don't want to date. Try to not isolate though.

shecreatedherdream · 2020-01-17T07:24:25+00:00

I’m over it. I just want to be left alone and live a content, happy, luxurious, beautiful, rested life for myself and my kids. Nobody else.

Kristeninmyskin · 2020-01-17T08:01:25+00:00

I’m not anywhere close to dating. I’m working on myself, inside and out. I’m getting back into a shape I find desirable so that I can pick up my forgotten, more active hobbies. I’m going to work hard on myself so that I will be able to attract someone I find desirable. I’m going to build an exciting life that only a very deserving man will be lucky enough to be a part of. And if I don’t meet him, I’ll still have an exciting and fulfilling life!

gursky0 · 2020-01-17T01:31:39+00:00

I'm in the same place. I got out of a relationship not too long ago and briefly jumped into dating soon after (lasted 2 weeks before I deleted the apps), which just heaped disappointment on top of disappointment. For a moment I considered finding a FWB situation because I miss physical intimacy, but decided it would not be in my best interest to share my body with someone I don't know or trust. I don't want a relationship either. I don't even want to think about a man right now. I need to be alone for a good while and focus on myself. I think it's been so hard for me in the past to walk away from relationships that weren't really working for me anymore because I always tried to build a home in other people, so to speak. I'm working on building a home within myself now.

I'm in a stage of personal growth, focusing on school and my future, and enjoying my freedom as a single woman to do whatever the hell I want to do with my time. I love it. I've already read one book this year!

I felt quite lonely after the breakup for obvious reasons, but also because nearly all my friends in my city are in relationships, and they naturally prioritized their partners over friends. So I also decided I wanted to make more single female friends - I tried Bumble BFF and have formed a new friend group of fantastic women! Friends of mine in other cities have also had success making friends with meetup.org.

I'll probably dip my toe into dating again in a few months, just for fun and for practice dating with FDS, before I graduate and move to a new city. Then maybe I'll start dating with more serious intentions.

AntiCircles · 2020-01-17T01:20:29+00:00

You're valid

RiteWriter · 2020-01-17T06:15:32+00:00

eobardsthong · 2020-01-17T04:36:53+00:00

I’m not dating right now! I’ve spent too much time not doing what I wanted to do so I’m focusing on that right now. I’m excited to date again in the future but that’s after I explore my interests and nurture myself.

7_0f_9 · 2020-01-17T07:09:11+00:00

I'm on the exact same boat. Isolation phase. Trying to get my life together. I'm lonely but men just don't seem like a good idea right now and don't seem worth it... I figure if someone comes along and asks me out then I'll use fds but I'm not actively seeking out dating right now and don't see the point. No one approaches me anyway.

even_thriller · 2020-01-17T04:38:24+00:00

I have spurts where I date and don't date. I was single for like 2 years after a horrible relationship and then was in another relationship that ended early last year. I've been casually dating again but I've definitely taken a step back to focus on me more and it'll probably continue on this path for the next few years. I have too many things going for me to even care/want a man. Joining the AF, going back to school for nursing and getting ready to do ROTC - I'm more driven and excited about my own life than to worry about getting some dick that I really don't even miss it.

Basem3nt · 2020-01-17T07:17:12+00:00

After chasing a relationship for 5 years through OLD my breaking point was after my ex boyfriend lied throughout the whole relationship by being on dating apps. After that and finding this sub I wanted to at least give up dating and guys for a full year and I feel wonderful. I feel so free and have way more time now.

Novemberinthechair · 2020-01-17T10:08:45+00:00

Me. Don't care about dudes, they're disappointing as fuck. Yes, I could always use more female friends.

cannedboelyn · 2020-01-17T04:29:12+00:00

Even if I want to I have shitty financial issues and my own mental health issues that I actively have to go to the clinic for. Also I am unemployed so that makes it even much harder for me to do things with the addition to my depression

Lakersrock111 · 2020-01-17T04:02:23+00:00

I am just being single for now.

dirtytruffle · 2020-01-17T12:38:02+00:00

Screw dating. I'm just learning and being cautious. This sub also does wonders for your self-esteem, which personally I find much more important than dating.

Sorry to hear about your misfortune. I hope you find inner peace with or without a partner.

2020-01-17T02:16:12+00:00

Me because I have a boyfriend already.

2020-01-17T03:35:32+00:00

I agree with all that is being said. I feel like I found this subreddit at the perfect time. I’ve been neglecting yellow and red flags that popped up in my relationship (which now is over), I asked for a sign to the universe yesterday and I got it. This relationship wasn’t for me, and the fact that the sign was so clear made me so thankful I didn’t ignore it and trusted my gut. I’m soo soo thankful to have found this space with uplifting women that put themselves first.

Deep-Blackberry · 2020-01-17T14:03:03+00:00

Me.

When I found this sub, I was actively involved with a guy that was going absolutely nowhere. He treated me like an emotional sponge, was a complete asshole, and very dismissive. He lost his job then he turned into an evil bastard. It had gotten to the point where I had lost interest back in the summer, then he asked not too long before the new year, what we were, at that moment I realized we were just friends. I didn't want him. This sub helped me get to that point, and get out of that situation.

This year I'm just going to focus on me get back to school for a graduate program, and start actively working out. I probably won't date anyone or actively look for anyone until next year. This decade is going to go differently.

A problem that I've had with myself is letting myself get distracted by men and not focus on my needs but theirs, which is part of the reason I'm taking care of myself first. Something, I haven't done in years.

Haltthemoon · 2020-01-17T18:56:19+00:00

I am not actively dating or using OLD anymore. The peace that I've gotten from this is life changing :)

kiyankiriam · 2020-01-22T12:47:20+00:00

Same here. I don’t want to do hookup because it adds zero value in my life, but rather brings risks with it. Dating ? Not sure but no. I’m just too tired of games that guys play and then I’m also tired at myself. I ghosts on guys a lot when he tries to use me for sex. I’m trying to put myself in higher vibration. And even if I dare, I want someone whom I can consider as best friend. Someone I can tell a lot of things and trust fully.

Title	Anyone else here not actively dating/hooking up and not planning to ?
Author	Whateverrr_345
Upvotes	163
Comments	84
Date	January 17, 2020 12:55 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/epsscc/anyone_else_here_not_actively_datinghooking_up/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/anyone-else-here-not-actively-datinghooking-up-and.684669 https://theredarchive.com/post/684669

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