Are there any older women here who are happily single?

whycantweallgetal0ng · 2020-07-12T09:03:17+00:00

You remind me so much of myself in my early 20s. I had the same thoughts...the same fears of being alone at 40+.

They ALL came to pass.

What nobody told me was, it would happen by choice and not for lack of offers from older, younger and same-aged men.

When you stay in a relationship because you're afraid of being alone, you eventually end up having such heartbreaking experiences, that being single loses its fearsome quality.

You finally see single for what it is: the ideal state of peace, harmony and contentment.

What is another human being offering to beat that? Often not very much.

The single women I know aren't hurting because they are alone, they are hurting because it took a lot of painful relationships to finally embrace being alone.

There are other women who accepted singleness readily early on and refused to mess around with men who are not compatible to them. They look more youthful and have a lot less emotional and mental baggage than the rest of us, who clung to incompatible men in our 20s out of FOMO.

Start asking yourself what happened in your childhood to make you think that a man who "is nice to you" and appears "not to like porn" is all you need in order to invest time and effort in a relationship.

In the meanwhile you keep ignoring the need for sexual compatibility, which is the least a relationship should offer and not the most.

Start looking at you, stop looking at him. Because in 5 years, you'll be still dealing with the same fears and nothing will have changed in your life, absolutely nothing.

PS. This man is clearly struggling to make something out of himself. Your presence is not helping things, it's actually making it worse. Non-starters don't try as hard when they already have a woman who accepts them "as is".

Yes, I read all about his promises to you in previous posts. If you think he's suddenly going to turn into a go-getter because you gave him an ultimatum, you're sadly mistaken. And if he does, he'll leave you for someone else.

Neorago · 2020-07-12T10:29:29+00:00

Being single is infinitely better than being unhappy in a relationship! I live alone after a failed engagement and a failed relationship. I don't have any man children to clean up after. I cook what I want and do what I want when I want. You should get comfortable with the idea of being single even if you're in a relationship! It's still always better to put yourself first and continue to grow as an individual whilst in a relationship. Firstly, it allows the men to continue chasing which is good for both of you and secondly it helps you adjust quicker if you find yourself single again.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/may/25/women-happier-without-children-or-a-spouse-happiness-expert

LadyGrimes · 2020-07-12T10:17:18+00:00

Never be afraid of being single in fact you'll find in the long run its a preferably lifestyle since you don't have to worry about cheaters and other problematic men. The only person to worry about is you. Pets always make better companions and actually enrich your life.

But you have to decide what is right for you.

Unlikely-Marzipan · 2020-07-12T10:37:31+00:00

I don’t know what you mean by older, but I was in my early 30s when I finally decided to be single for the first time in 15 years. Not going to lie, it was hard at first. All the things you worry about, I did too. It was hard to be alone with my thoughts and I kept finding needy friends to fill the main void. So I ended up having to do a friend cleanout too.

I also left a good man. But in the end, he wasn’t who I fancied, and being 3 years out I realised he wasn’t a go-getter, and he still isn’t. He was the type that likes to save women. And honestly, he seemed like the sensible guy that if I couldn’t work it out with him, I would never with anyone (and maybe I won’t). But I came to realise he probably wouldn’t be with me on my deathbed, and yours may not either...

Not just because they may die before us. But because if he isn’t a go-getter, and he is quite shy, sometimes these men can be very insecure deep down. Mine ended up finding a new woman the week or so after we broke up... I think he would’ve cheated if I didn’t break it off with him. I know he has a good heart, but he wasn’t immune to being flattered and having to find another woman to save, as I levelled up.

I only tell you this because it sounds like deep down you’re worried about missing out on this amazing man - but you don’t really know that he will be there for you. You’re also not happy and feeling excited and sexually fulfilled. Sex is important because it’s the bond to our partner that we share with no one else!

After I got used to being single, I became addicted to it. I flourished in my career, I went on casual dates with no strings attached, I loved my alone time, I started another side career, I paid more off my mortgage, I started my hobbies again and I lost weight and looked after myself more.

No worries about cheating or who he’s talking to or looking at, or anything. Because there was no one else to worry about but me. I did make friends and new acquaintances, they come and go and that’s fine!

I am trying another relationship now because this guy is treating me well so far. But I’m willing to walk away if I have to, and honestly, I will be one of those happy older single women if this ends. Because I was genuinely happy being single. I felt more full of love, and less with anxiety.

I know quite a few older women than me who left their partners and became happier than ever. Is definitely possible.

The longer you stay with a man who you’re not sure of, just because he feels “safe” then the longer you miss out on getting to know single you, and making space for the right guy for you. Not mr potential.

I guess it depends what your overall life goals are though - do you desperately want kids and marriage? If so, maybe considering this guy isn’t doing it for you emotionally and sexually, you should find a man who is more well off financially who can support that lifestyle?

Or are you happy to be single, if you can be convinced that you can be happy single?

Either way, sometimes just being nice doesn’t cut it. You need more from a man. And please please please listen when I say - no man is a guarantee for life. Even if they seem smitten with you, and even when they seem safe. They all are capable of leaving or cheating. I never thought in a million years that my ex would. We had been friends for years before that too and he was always smitten with me - he still moved on within a week (so basically, he had already met her and started something before we broke it off).

Ms_Tilly · 2020-07-12T12:26:05+00:00

It really sounds like you're just settling for your boyfriend. It doesn't sound like he brings any value to your life other than being a friend. And you're not satisfied with that because you are here agonizing over whether to end it.

I'm late 30s, divorced with one kid. I've been single for two years and recently started feeling like I wouldn't mind being single forever. I already knew that I don't want to get married again, have more kids, or live with another man, so my feelings make sense. Lately I've had day dreams of devoting all of my time to a garden and making most of my food from scratch. I no longer waste daydreams on relationships. Past experience has taught me how painful it is to try to love a man, and I am just not up for it anymore. Just the thought of vetting someone for months only to have them change into something unacceptable is just not something I want to experience again.

I also live in a new area, far from family and friends. We keep up on social media, but I am on my own here. It's a half day drive to family and a full day drive to my old friends. I enjoy my coworkers, but hang out with none of them. I made some friends through a recent ex and I have fun with them, but very few of them are the type of people you call when you need someone to talk to. I made some really nice friends by getting myself into a hobby outside of home.

Just because you don't have friends now doesn't mean you won't make some later. You won't find them sitting at home though. You have to put yourself out there a little.

fancypantsdance92 · 2020-07-12T11:02:19+00:00

I'm not terribly old (I'm 28) but until this year I wasn't happy single.

I was engaged at 22 and decided not to settle. My ex and I would constantly bicker over his visa and money. We never had sex and I just wasn't in love. If I married him then I'd still be a waitress.

I have put up with a great deal of heartache since then and if I've learnt anything it's that a lot of men aren't worth it. I needed a reset - I had a lot of emotional and mental baggage that manifested itself into other parts of my life such as work. That was when I got counselling and really started to go through assertiveness training and refraining techniques with my psychologist. It's done me a world of good.

Last year I really just felt hungry to be held by a man. I'd been assaulted by a partner at the beginning of the year, I'd had a long distance relationship fail and then ended up in yet another emotionally abusive and manipulative relationship. I started dating again to spite my ex and realised how easy it was to find men who look good on paper but who don't fulfil me emotionally, spiritually or otherwise. And that's when I really got OK with being single.

Society brainwashes young women into believing ultimate feminine success comes with marrying young and marrying well. It seeks to rob us of any other pursuits which we may find equally as fulfilling such as our passions or careers. I had the opportunity to marry my ex fiancé and live in France... But I wouldn't have been able to work legally and I would have been bored. Men need us to believe that we are happiest when married so that we can raise children and be home makers. I am not a woman who'd be happy living that life, as I'm sure is the same for many others.

I have so much freedom in my life without a man in it. I have no one nagging me when I wake up, no one insisting I spend all weekend engaged in his hobbies, I don't have to pretend to enjoy mediocre sex, I can do what I want and answer to no one. It's the best feeling.

I had trolls on my previous reddit account tell me that I must be ugly and can't get a man... Hell, I've had "friends" tell me I'm a failure for not having relationship success... But the truth is I have men as young as 21 still asking me out. I can still afford to be picky and I will continue to be picky until the day I die. I will not suffer another awful, heartwrenching relationship, nor will I live a bland life in a boring relationship just so that society can look at me and say "oh didn't she do well to settle down".

Give yourself a bit of a thought experiment and ask yourself if you'd truly be happy settling down at the expense of exploring yourself, the world, new passions and really sinking your teeth into a career or study. I know for me the answer was no. I don't know about you, but I need someone who can compliment my life and I'm not going to compromise for mediocrity again.

IthinkItsLipGloss · 2020-07-12T12:19:48+00:00

I’m 22. But I feel if you stay with a LVM, you have 100% chance of never meeting the one because you haven’t given yourself the chance to meet him.

goatismycopilot · 2020-07-12T12:30:20+00:00

I like being single. I was married for 14 years date a year or so prior to that. I have dated post divorce and it just felt like a job. To me time is the most valuable thing I have and I want to spend my time doing enjoyable activities, hanging out with my dog, and friends.

I have friends and aquaintances who did get married a second time and none of their relationships appeal to me. I do not want to have to make any major compromises to sustain a relationship. My ex hisband was not the kind of guy who would have tolerated a major illness so being married for me was not a guarantee of having a loving partner to care for me. I have met maybe two or three men I thought had partner potential and then after spending time with them realized my initial impression was wrong. I also do not find men my age attractive they all look and sound like grandpa. I just do not want to have sex with Santa Claus. I have never had the experience of being treated like a queen or some amazing goddess so I do not feel like I am missing out. My married friends do not seem dramatically happier than my single friends. There just is not a whole lot to sell me on wanting a long term partner right now. I have found a lot of the men I attracted at least were just okay companions but not vastly more enriching than being alone.

I think the niche market of men my age who like dogs, like doing exactly the same activities, have similar world view, and did not vote for Trump is so small it hardly seems like something I should be putting effort into. I might think differently if I had amazing relationship experiences in the past but I did not they were mostly at best okay with one or two memorable highlights and at worst emotionally distant/abusive/unreliable. I have a friend who is on her third marriage. The second one was clearly the love of her life, died unexpectedly. She is now on her third marriage to a man with a ton of health problems. The first year was fine then he started having issues plus he is anti social and does not like going out. When she can go out she just looks relieved to be away from him.

At least my life as it is now and I understand things change just would not be greatly enhanced by partner unless he was truly a one of a kind guy.

2020-07-12T11:13:40+00:00

I have posted quite a bit about this, do feel free to browse my profile. :)

edited to add: I'd forgotten you said you're not close to family and doesn't have many friends. I am sorry, part of what I wrote is going to be kinda tone deaf because I forgot about that. I said being alone is a privilege, but I meant it more in the sense of "getting to spend quality time with yourself", not in the sense of not having a support system. I'm truly sorry I forgot about that when I got carried away talking about my experience. if I may , though: I truly do hope you can still find friends who will eventually be your support system. I'm sure there's more than enough time. one of the things people always say in this sub, which I endorse, is that you cannot just rely on a guy for support, ever. not even if he's a HVM with whom you've been for many years. it's always important to build a larger support system anyway, for any of us.

ok, here's what I had written:

I thoroughly reject the "*still* single" narrative - let's just stop looking at marriage as something you *have* to achieve after a certain point. I used to see people as young as 25 posting on reddit about how they're worried about "still" being single and my chin would drop in disbelief. I mean, 25 is incredibly young. some people mature earlier, but other people, like me, for instance, only come into their own in their 30s. I spent my 20s not knowing exactly how to defend myself from predatory men - how could I get married then? the man I was with who was the more adamant about wanting to marry was an older guy who was insecure, competitive, and liked to get with intelligent younger women only to dim their light and domesticate them. I'm really really really glad I had the werewithal to escape in good time, but I might not have.

men have been such little shits that I reached a point where I'm not interested in them at all. how could I be? they're a chore and my alone time is precious, it's sacred, it's when I delve deeper and get to truly know myself, it's when I evaluate my relationships with sincerity, it's when I research everything I'm interested in and learn, it's when I make plans, when I enjoy music and truly let myself be engulfed by it and all incredible, personal, intricate and aesthetic sensations it brings, it's when I know 100% I'm not defaulting to a persona, but being strictly myself, it's when I can just be. when I'm alone, I keep any stereotypical societal expectations of me to a minimum, and I bask in those moment when I know I'm not being looked at in any stereotypical way, that I'm not being pigeonholed because of my sex and my looks. being alone is a privilege and a joy. if I ever let a man interfere with my precious solitude ever again (which I doubt I'll do), he will have to not only be respectful of my need to preserve a good part of that time just to myself, but will also have to treat me as an equal human and truly connect with me, and I with him.

to be really honest, though, right now I can't even imagine being with anyone. the thought of a relationship grosses me out: the way women are seen in our society is degrading and I feel like everything is a big farcical play. I'd rather watch it than be part of it.

Howslap · 2020-07-12T14:22:06+00:00

I'm 33 and so happy right now it's insane. Not sure if I ever want to get married tbh. I've got a great job, awesome friends and family. I go on vacations regularly. I've got so much time to do whatever I want, right now I'm learning how to sew garments and it is so fun! I dont care about having kids biologically and am completely fine adopting if I don't find an HVM by the time I'm 40. I only feel this way because I am self actualized enough to realize that I AM ENOUGH. I don't need a man or kids to complete me. I am a complete unit on my own. If you havent reached this point then being 33 childless, and husbandless may seem like a dire fate 🤣. So it really all depends on your outlook on life sis. Good luck on your search sis ❤ Ps. If he is not satisfying you sexually you should talk to him about it, If he doesnt want to improve things it's a huge red flag. But if he is as great as you say then he shouldn't have a problem talking about it with you and then fixing things 🤷🏿‍♀️

Queen_247 · 2020-07-12T16:08:49+00:00

I’m in my early 40s and found FDS a few months ago.

I haven’t been in a relationship in 6+ years because I took the time to heal my wounds and work on self worth.

Now, with the help of FDS, I couldn’t imagine settling down with anyone who doesn’t meet my standards, even though I’m pressured to.

I met someone just before the COVID lockdowns and just ended it with him last week because FDS taught me how I should be seeing myself and how this should work.

There were some things that I needed to see in person with him in order to really see for myself.

I am the fucking prize. If he can’t see that at this age (he was early 50s), then I’m not going bother myself.

I will happily stay single until someone treats me like the Queen that I am.

throwaway23004345 · 2020-07-12T17:17:47+00:00

I guess it depends. I’m 27 and never had a bf (Virgin) and I feel like a failure because I haven’t even had a guy buy me a stupid flower. I am depressed with no friends so I don’t get out often. On the plus side I look young because I don’t have stress of a man. If I do encounter a good man, chances are that they want someone younger.

I am not happy but it could be worse. I guess it means the grass is always greener on the other side. I am sure their are some ladies who would love to be in my position.

CoriVanilla · 2020-07-12T15:55:11+00:00

What the question really is, is are you willing to put yourself in a box, cut yourself down, make yourself smaller and quieter forever, for a man who has never even considered what changing himself might be like?

jeanneeebeanneee · 2020-07-12T16:43:58+00:00

I'm 41, divorced, and happily single. I'm choosing not to date right now, for many reasons, but primarily because I have a young child and I have deemed having a man in my home to be too risky. When my child is older I may choose to rejoin the dating scene. We shall see. Either way, I'm not in a rush to get with another man. I like my life the way it is. I'm free to live as I choose and have very little stress (outside of the ongoing global crisis, but being in a relationship would not help with that at all).

So, what stuck out to me about your post is your statement that you can't be happy alone, when you clearly aren't that happy now. Your man is broke, hasn't committed to marrying you after 4 years, and isn't satisfying you sexually. How is being single a worse prospect than that? This is something you really need to think deeply on. Otherwise you aren't even close to ready for FDS. You need to level up by strengthening your friendships and self-love before you can address your relationship issues. Read the handbook. There's a lot of gold in there. Best of luck sis.

EclecticBarbarella · 2020-07-12T17:03:21+00:00

I’m early thirties so I hopefully don’t qualify as “old” but I’ve watched both of my best friends stay in relationships because they didn’t think they’d find better and were scared of being alone and they’re both miserable and having to put in so much effort just to make the relationship tolerable. No joke, I was talking to one of them last night and gave them the mini-FDS spiel about how they deserve so much better (really just basic good treatment) and she started crying. Just from being told that she was important and deserved someone who treats her well.

I stay single because I can’t find anyone that I like enough to not be single for and I’ve never been happier. I make me a priority, and my life is flourishing because of it. If I do ever meet someone I want to try with, I’ll be a in a great position to do so. But that wouldn’t be the case if I had stayed with my last BF who was “good” but not what I ultimately wanted long term.

I like to think of it in terms of purses. The Hermès Kelly is a gorgeous purse. Well made, worth tons of money, highly desired and valued, much like a HVM. But I’d never carry it. It’s not my style. If I did carry it because I spent money on it, I wouldn’t be 100% happy while using it. It’s still a fabulous purse (for someone else), but why would I invest a ton of money in something good if it’s not the good that I want? Makes more sense to hang on to my money and wait for the perfect vintage Celine or Chanel that I will use all the time, that I’ll always want in my closet because it’s just so me. The one that I make permanent room for because it’s never getting sold. And even if I don’t find that perfect one, at least I don’t have a dusty Kelly hanging in my closet taking up space unnecessarily

enemy0freality · 2020-07-12T08:53:52+00:00

Don't let the fear of being alone force you to settle. You are already having doubts - I would recommend to listen to your gut.

And if you don't mind me asking: What exactly is wonderful about your boyfriend? I can't help but translate "financial issues" to "he is broke".

Beside this, four years is an awful long time to be dating without an engagement even. And if there isn't sexual compatibility after four years, I'm afraid the chances of it improving after marriage are slim.

Use the freedom of not being married, not living together (as in: it won't be so hard and messy to disengage from this relationship) to your advantage.

If you're staying out of fear of being alone (romantically and socially) - there you have a goal for leveling up when you're single. Build meaningful friendships with people in your area. Discover new interests, hobbies. Do whatever this relationship was holding you back from. And don't ever, ever let the fear of being alone force you to settle.

huytaree · 2020-07-12T23:17:00+00:00

Some good advice I heard a while back: “If it’s not a Hell Yeah, it’s a no”

tumbleweed71 · 2020-07-12T08:52:48+00:00

Short answer, yes, you can be happily single as an older woman. But I've done marriage and kids so I'm pretty sure we're not coming from the same place.

curlygirl507 · 2020-07-12T13:52:20+00:00

I can't imagine being happy alone.

This is a problem. Can you elaborate?

spin_the_globe · 2020-07-12T15:58:28+00:00

Yes, and browse r/wgtow for more inspo!

sour_strawberry_ · 2020-07-13T01:34:02+00:00

I've broken up with my loving and loyal boyfriend of 3 years whom I live with (not for much longer). It was a very hard decision but I know I'm doing the right thing because I need to focus on being comfortable with myself, and leveling up right now. I knew I needed to work on myself before I even found the FDS. Now I'm very confident with my decision... he is a LVM as much as I hate to admit it there is more than honesty and kindness that goes into a good relationship. We also have trouble with sexual incompatibility. You're not alone.

bbch2019 · 2020-07-13T05:04:30+00:00

Very happy single. I have dated very,very little in the last 10 years, every now and then I get a wild hair and think I want to date. Every time I do go out with someone or get slightly involved I am like "Oh, I remember why I don't want this".

I am not afraid of intimacy, I have very deep intimate convos with friends all the time. I do have a thought in my head of "If I could find a guy that would be confident enough with himself to embrace my independent nature, that could be cool." I don't think that guy exists. I find men have extremely high expectations for women but the moment you want something that is as simple as a curiosity text to tell you they are running late you're suddenly asking too much.

Society teaches women to be subservient to men so most of them expect just that. Birth their babies, don't tie them down, don't share your feelings, men HATE feelings, if they need space give it to them, if they need sex give it to them or they will cheat, take care of the house, take care of meals and they might throw you a disingenuous gift every now and then but don't be fooled by that gift, sex is expected in return... and on and on and on and don't forget you will ALWAYS be the psycho one in the end now matter how well you take care of them before you got fed-up. Women have evolved since 1950, most men have not.

Don't misinterprete what I mean. I am not a man hater by any means, I just don't want to sacrifice so much of myself to receive very little if nothing in return. There are very, very few men out there that are not completely selfish. Most of the bad behavior comes from childhood trauma or a bad relationship that they will never get over. It's all so old and tired.

I have evaluated my choices and asked other women questions. Something I find interesting, all the married women I know, they tell me "I love my husband but if we split for any reason I won't do this again" I ask why the answer is always the same but with different words, it's more work for me than it is for him. I have several women older than me that I talk to, either divorced or husband has died. They have all told me, no way I won't date again. Relationships are not 50/50, that's a dream, if they were more would work out. Woman are expected to do more, there isn't anything that anyone can tell me that says otherwise.

So ye, at this point in my life, I love being single. I missed out on doing really awesome things in the past because I spent time taking care of a man, I am focusing on myself. I will never 100% discount the idea of a good partnership but I am not putting my efforts into it I don't see it as being as personal rewarding as doing something like volunteering for a homeless shelter or building my own business.

Kitty015 · 2020-07-13T04:27:05+00:00

Is 32 old?

herp_derp_hag · 2020-07-13T05:50:00+00:00

You don't say how old you are but I am probably twice your age, and I've been single for a few years now. Don't get me wrong, I'd be delighted to find a good man but my standards are now astronomical and it is actually better that way. It's definitely way MORE lonely being in a bad relationship with someone who doesn't meet your needs. Being lonely while IN a relationship is the absolute worst kind of loneliness.

So I'm pretty resigned to being single forever and not too torn up about it anymore. There is a big world out there full of interesting things to do, see, eat, read. I notice that you are bothered by negative thoughts when you are alone, I used to be too. That does go away eventually as you get older and especially if you remind yourself every day just how far you have already come and how much you've achieved. Sending hugs, I think you know what you need to do.

SorryNotSorry58 · 2020-07-13T18:46:32+00:00

I’m in my early 40s and have been very happily single for 6 years. Only recently discovered FDS but I’ve found that my extensive personal development has led to me being the Queen I know I am. I have followed the majority of the FDS understanding without even knowing that’s what it was. I do have children (need me less and less now) but a very small family (none really close by) and only two people whom I would call friends. Using my new found Queen status and the principles of FDS, I am now looking for my HVM with more purpose and strategy... I have no doubt that I’ll find him, but until I do, I shall continue to be incredibly happy :) living in fear is a life half lived...

high_on_chai · 2020-07-15T06:36:30+00:00

36 and crazy happy. Absolutely love myself!

Title	Are there any older women here who are happily single?
Author	Maleficent_Youth_175
Upvotes	119
Comments	88
Date	July 12, 2020 8:03 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/hpqsfm/are_there_any_older_women_here_who_are_happily/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/are-there-any-older-women-here-who-are-happily.717986 https://theredarchive.com/post/717986

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