The New York Times is running a whole series on the crisis facing mothers during this pandemic. That and being all over parenting parts of Reddit just breaks my souls because when you become a mother, LVM and NVM expose themselves in ways you cannot deny. But by then it’s too late. Look around the mom subreddits if you don’t believe me. But this far into the pandemic, the crazed balancing act of working moms, the deteriorating mental health of stay at home moms and the high cost of having and maintaining a family should be pretty obvious of all of us here.

So I write this missive to my FDS sisters who feel deep in their soul a calling to motherhood. Obviously, FDS shows us marriage and family need not be the be-all-end-all for every woman and there are certainly many ways to have a loving family. But if you feel deeply that you want to be give birth to a biological child and have a traditional family then I beg of you to take the FDS principles to heart and start advocating for your best interests. Here’s why:

Vulnerability: You are so vulnerable during pregnancy and postpartum. I don’t care you’re swearing up and down how you’re going to have a fit pregnancy and eat right and nothing is going to slow you down. The fact of the matter is you don’t know how pregnancy is going to be for you. Maybe it will be a breeze but don’t be so arrogant to expect it. You don’t know. You have to roll with the punches and live in the moment of a biological roller coaster that unfortunately can be different with each pregnancy.

Then of course there is the birth and recovery. You can want a zero intervention water birth and end up with an emergency c-section. That is abdominal surgery ladies and you need to either roll yourself out of bed for 4 weeks or use a pully system. If you have a partner that can’t confidently say “I’ve got this. I can figure this out” then you wake up to your mother in law living with you, fucking up your shit or worse, your in surgical recovery and still having to do everything. What a brutal way to discover you’ve been lying to yourself about the man you’re with.

A Whole New Life Stage: Matrescence is a real phenomenon. The transition into motherhood is considered a hormonal, social, physical, potentially existential shift. The United States especially has zero respect for it. You get more time off when you get your wisdom teeth removed. You have the potential to really shift on the inside. Maybe not overnight but suddenly that 5 plan that seemed so solid pre-baby just isn’t working for you or your family. Or you want to go back to school and pivot into a new career. There are women who just can’t stomach their previous careers since becoming a mother, especially if they were working with sick/mistreated children. If you are with a shitty partner who sees this life change as no big deal, it is like waking up as a single parent, shackled to someone living in a different reality.

Vetting and Red Flags: Men have the capacity to absolutely collapse in the face a pregnancy they vocally advocating for and you feel was mutually wanted. Watch out for men with daddy issues. Either daddy abandoned them, was emotionally absent or they have vocal ideas about “continuing a legacy”. Does he complain about friends who are settled down and having families? Is he annoyed by kids in public spaces? Does he idolize being an Instagram dad and all the fun things he gets to do but brushes off brainstorming ideas for how to manage a colic-y baby. Does he insist on what school/activities/teams this kid will join before they are even born? These can sound innocent and even sweet before you have kids but they can translate in to really toxic behavior in the face of a real live baby.

Vetting and Green Flags: In addition the plethora of previously written HVM traits here are some things to consider about vetting specifically geared towards impending fatherhood. Does he have respect for the effort his mother put into the family? If his dad never lifted a finger to change a diaper, does he vocally disdain it even in recollection? The more casual the better because it means that behavior is seen as inappropriate. Is he committed to providing for you and your family even if you have a kickass career? When he interacts with other peoples children when they misbehave, how does he behave? Have he babysat nieces and nephews?

Finances and Family: You need to always have your own money. Period. Even if you decide to be a stay at home parent then some of the family budget goes to you for your own shit. Any money from your parents stays yours. Your name is on all the shared accounts and there are no secrets. Lots of families do yours-mine-ours when you’re both working and pre-children but after children and especially when you take time out to put energy into your kids there is mine-ours. This should not be a problem. If a man is working to provide for you, he doesn’t need a secret bank account and then depositing money into a shared account. It all hits the shared and then goes into retirement savings, investments, whatever. You should never be “given” some bullshit allowance or grilled about why you purchased a new pair of shoes. So many stay at home moms feel disenfranchised because of some dumb belief that they need to earn their keep. It’s tragic. While you can’t know necessarily how a man will be if you had to or wanted to become a stay at home parent, you can observe how he treats you when you’re in between jobs or need to take time off for illness or to care of a family member. Or how he reacts at the mere prospect of it.

Look, I don’t want to scare anyone away from being a mother if they feel it is their calling. It’s truly a wonderful thing. But it challenges you as it can feel like never ending effort because there is no finish line or gold stars or someone to tell you “no really you’re doing a good job”.

Except your partner. Maybe you’re mom.

When I read about women in this pandemic who can’t get time to shower or read a book or grocery shop because they have to do everything else, it’s painful because the calling to be a mother and have a family is real. So real that it will blind you to red flags and have you convinced you’ve married Prince Charming right up until you’re completely adrift in a life you wanted (?) but are somehow the only one responsible for.

So please, put yourself first now. Don’t tolerate LVM and NVM for a single day. Know that having a family with a high value partner is worth it. Motherhood will still bring a shift to your life but when you have a HV partner you’re not sacrificing yourself, you’re building something and it’s safe to do so. Settle for nothing less.