Crushed

upandatom85 · 2023-07-12T04:06:29+00:00

This is a copy pasta I share with everyone who needs it. Most of this will apply to you. If you think part of it does not apply just wait a bit... this is what is known as the list. Feel free to add to it. It will only help others.

Don't drink. It'll only hurt the situation. Trust me. You need to stay calm drinking will not help with this.

Do not lose your temper. If you do not stay calm you will lose. She wants you to get upset. She wants to be able to call the cops on you.

You can be darn sure she is going to try to get an EPO (emergency protection order) against you. All she has to say is there is escalating behavior and she is afraid for her life and boom. It'll cost you 10k minimum to fight it and have it thrown out.

Give your firearms to someone so she can't say that you threatened her. She may try to have your firearms taken away. It is difficult to get them back from the police.

Record every conversation and prepare for false domestic violence accusations (CUBE ACR records calls automatically and can also record on your phone in the background. Its free in the app store). Check your local laws regarding recording. An illegal recording proving you innocent is better than none at all.

She will try to provoke you to get you to say things to use against you. STAY CALM! RECORD EVERYTHING!

Lift heavy weights.

Walk. Daily.

Learn to meditate.

Get therapy. Honestly, it will help. No matter how tough you think you are we can all use a little help.

Change all passwords. INCLUDING YOUR PHONE! Mutual or not. Be sure she does not have access to your accounts of any sort. Get a new credit card. Fully separate finances. Figure out what you still need to pay and what is her fucking problem now.

She will try to clean out your account and will take anything she is able to. You need to prevent that. Chances are she is way ahead of you on this.

Secure important paperwork including tax information and anything she can use against you in a safe location.

She's 10 steps ahead of you. She's already told her friends/family/attorney. She's got big plans for your money and property.

She will try to get you out of the house. Do not leave your home! If she wants to end the relationship she can leave. If you are gone from the home she will claim abandonment and keep rights to the home.

Document every fucking thing. Keep a notebook in your phone(New safe password). Record interactions and important notes. Record all interactions. Women lie! Sucks, but it's true.

She will try to rewrite history. Things that happened will not have happened. What was said or done will not be the same as reality. This is called GASLIGHTING. Look it up and understand it! She will make you question your grip on reality. She will rewrite your history to make you the bad guy in her story, to justify what she is currently doing to you and what she has done to you.

If you're wondering if you need a lawyer then you needed one last month. Lawyers suck and are expensive. Get a good one.

Research GREY ROCK/180 METHOD, then implement It.

Research MONKEY BRANCHING and understand the female imperative. If she's leaving you she probably already has someone else. Sorry.

Research and understand BRIFFAULTS LAW.

Research and understand the LIGHT SWITCH EFFECT.

Research and understand DARVO TACTICS.

Look up FEMALIE SOLIPSISM.

This is a catch all list. It may or may not completely apply to you. Most of it will I'm sure. Good luck. Stay strong.

NO MORE MR NICE GUY is a book you should read.

If she cheated.... check out LEAVE A CHEATER GAIN A LIFE. And/or CHEATING IN A NUTSHELL.

If anyone has any advice or info they would like to add to "the list" please let me know.

Reflog1791 · 2023-07-12T07:00:11+00:00

You’ll be ok.

Act like a “gray rock” from here on out. No more placating her. Don’t help her with a single thing. Don’t ask permission for anything. Say and text absolutely nothing at all that can be used against you in court. Just stop texting her about pretty much everything.

Take kids to doctor appointment and dentist appointment if they are close to being due. Take them to the park, museum, and ball game. Take lots of pictures and have fun.

Get a bank account in your name only. Kill all the extra family expenses Netflix, streaming, etc.

Do not ask her about her sex life. She has been cheating. It’s very classic and I’m not projecting. She said she wants a separation and she wants to fck other people. She’s already doing it.

Hit the gym harder and get out of the house more. Start doing things that make you happy and again do not ask for permission.

You will not be staying home watching the kids while she goes out to find herself. Find boundaries and just be a lot less visible around the house.

It’ll be fine but read the top comment on this thread like 5 times.

fredatbu · 2023-07-12T10:58:40+00:00

She’s already cheating on you. Sorry. Some day soon you will not care.

Focus on your kids. Focus on yourself.

Take the above advice to heart.

Life is about doing hard things. You just won the lottery of life challenges. You will beat them. You have done hard things and you will continue to do hard things.

Take it day by day. We are here for you.

Edit: She is cheating because she doesn’t respect you. That’s on her, not you. But being nice to her only makes it worse.

ContributionUnited85 · 2023-07-12T08:10:31+00:00

Same story as yours. I'm astonished as to how common my own situation is. This is a template f**k.Everything said in this thread is valuable and insightful.

I was in your place a few months back. Took support from close friends and family. I have been the "nice" guy and my wife managed to have an emotional affair. Also ended up assaulting me multiple time in the name of depression.

We have a 2 year old in picture. It absolutely crushes me to think about her future in all this mess. But at the same time my kid is the reason for me to push forward. It is definitely better for the kid to be in a stable environment even if its with a single parent.

Took some tough decisions, initiated divorce proceedings and filed for TRO (since I had grounds for that). I'm in the midst of all the proceedings. I'm scared as hell but relieved that I don't have to deal with almost bipolar wife and crazy inlaws like before.

Taking charge is the key. I can totally understand your situation. DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT fall for her tears. Please push forward...hard and fast. She will not change, she is no more the person you loved. Put your wishful thinking aside amd get the he'll out of that marriage. Take good care of your kids, prioritize them.

Physical activity helps, workout more frequently you will be able to think clearly. It is going to get worse for sometime but I guarantee you, it will get better. Hang in there brother. Take care.

i_am_buzz_lightyear · 2023-07-12T09:47:33+00:00

My situation started in October. I didn't find out until March that it was physical. We have a 4 yr old girl and 6 yr old boy. Her "support" structure reinforced her delusional reality that justified her cheating. When that catches up to you, it'll hurt a fuck ton. I'm finally over it for myself, but it still pains me what she did to betray our kids.

She's already decided she wants out. Her choice. Sleep in the Master. I have a few notes I've copied from this sub. Here's a good one.

This is what your going to do and I'm going to lay this out to you so that even the nicest dumb fuck can understand.

1.) You're gonna STOP sleeping in the spare bedroom. FUCK THAT. You paid for that home and all of the shit in it. If she doesn't want to sleep next to you in the MASTER bedroom that's her problem. That bitch can sleep in the spare bedroom.

2.) You're gonna withdraw EVERYTHING. You no longer give a shit about any emotional or financial wants or needs she has. Your job is to not help her blow up your family. You're an OAK. She can throw the kitchen sink at you but it does not phase you. Anything short of taking care of your daughter or reconciliation you DO NOT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT. BE A MAN AND CONTROL YOUR EMOTIONS.

3.) You're going to get a gym membership immediately. You are going to lift weights 3-4 days a week. This relieves stress and increases endorphins. You're either a skinny fuck or a fat fuck. Part of your new life is lifting heavy things to exhaustion.

4.) You're going to begin updating your wardrobe to modern form fitting clothes. This may take you several months depending on your financial situation. You're going to look good and feel good because your a fucking MAN worth having.

5.) You're going to get on GOA Skin Care and pick out a facial skin care package that best suits you. You take care of yourself. You're a high value man who knows how to fucking work and you're gonna look like it too.

6.) You're going to read No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover. Then you're going to read When I Say No I Feel Guilty by Manuel Smith. Lastly you will read The Rational Male by Rollo Tomassi. By reading these they will give you the skills to handle women in your next life or handle your ex wife.

And lastly brother keep communication to logistics only for your daughter. DO NOT let her know you're hurting or sad. She will not respect you.

You do all of the things above you'll be a man worth fucking in your new life or maybe the bitch will want to reconcile.

The choice is yours.

All of us will be here along the way.

Good Luck.

Funny_Wolverine_9 · 2023-07-12T12:16:27+00:00

Bro - settle with your wife ASAP. The lawyers will bleed you dry. Give her what she wants, divorce, accept every other weekend if you have to AND MOVE ON. You will save HUNDREDS of thousands of dollars and years of court battle if you are wise to follow this advice.

Go online and look at the table child support + alimony, give it to her and move on with your life.

Dangerous_Item_6879 · 2023-07-12T11:11:03+00:00

I’m just adding to what others have said. You are not alone. We are all living with the same terrible women. It’s like they are clones of each other. Such is life. Don’t beat yourself up that you should have done this or that to save the marriage. Maybe you could have dragged it out for another couple of years but you would still end up in the same place, only now with higher alimony payments.

Read “the list” on the “men’s divorce forum”

You will have to make a case for what your stbxw could make if she worked full time. Does she have special skills? Does she have a degree?

Stash cash now. Protect your credit cards and ATM cards from being improperly used. She will try to buy gift cards at the same time as groceries and target purchases to hide the transactions. She will go to the ATM and withdraw cash. She will spend extra money on clothes all of a sudden.

Speak to your lawyer about how to protect yourself from her financial overspending.

Get all your valuables, passport, jewelry, family heirlooms, out of the house. Get a storage unit or leave them with a friend. They will be difficult to retrieve later on.

There are child support calculators available online. I imagine for large income difference and two kids you are looking at $1000-$2000/month in child support.

Alimony depends on the length of the marriage and income differences.

Shut the fuck up and don’t talk to her or to anyone that might relay information to her. Mutual friends that you might have together can turn on you. If she tries to get you to sit down and talk about a parenting plan or what to do with the house, just tell you are tired and exhausted and don’t want to speak. Have her email you any of her suggestions. You need a paper trail for all the conversations. Plus it is easier not to get emotional/angry if she says something stupid like, she going to keep the house and the kids 90% of the time. Don’t waste your time or mental capacity trying to negotiate or reason with her without an attorney.

When you get to mediation and finalizing everything make sure it says “agreed upon extra curriculars/camps.” You don’t want her signing your kids up for a bunch of crap (that you will have to pay for as the breadwinner) if you don’t agree to it.

Meditate. Meditate. Meditate. Take up yoga.

Some divorces take 6 months. Some take 2 years plus. This is a marathon and mostly one of mental toughness. Fight until the end and don’t give up any more money than you need to.

The sooner that you accept that the woman you loved no longer exists then the easier this will be.

EnvironmentalAd3558 · 2023-07-12T04:49:52+00:00

Consult with the attorneys and come up with a game plan as soon as you can. Try to be the one to file first and have her served. This gives you more control and may shake her out of her fog. Push for an early trial date and don’t be generous in settlement offers when it is time to negotiate.

SaulBrewster · 2023-07-12T06:36:31+00:00

Yeah, sorry brother you’re fucked. Welcome to the walkaway wives club. As far as being the primary breadwinner in a no fault state (sorry again, welcome to an even shittier club), take solace in that there’s a formula, and nothing you can do is gonna move that more than 25% in either direction. Stay strong. You’re not alone

Apprehensive-Cost496 · 2023-07-12T12:08:51+00:00

OP, lots of awesome advice here, no need for me to rehash.

Here is my nugget of gold. Research a lawyer on avvo.com and look for a highly rated family law lawyer. Some may disagree, but I didn't go for the absolute shark but the lawyer that had a track record of getting things done fast. I actually cancelled my retainer on one and went to another based upon the comments and she got me divorced in 4 months, minimal CS, no alimony and assets divided no more than the law allowed. Sure, it sucks to get divorced but the main thing is I can rebuild and am not getting graped because of it, that is ALL that matters plus 50/50 custody of your kids.

Good luck OP, your situation is not unique and your just likely a good dude working hard to provide for your family. Don't think this is all on you man, realize that and it will help you heal tremendously.

Flashy_Yam967 · 2023-07-12T09:34:41+00:00

You asked about alimony. How long were you married?

In my state, there is a presumption of no alimony for marriages under 10 years. After 10 years, presumption of alimony for half the length of the marriage and there is no alimony table, meaning it's up to the judge. Most states have a child support table where you can figure out what the child support expectation is.

My ex was a cheater, I was the breadwinner. On top of giving her half of everything. I offered her a 15k lump sum for alimony, which she took. That and buying her out of my pension were financial homeurns for me.

CrazySanta7 · 2023-07-12T12:12:22+00:00

Unfortunately, cheaters will never tell you the full truth or apologize, even with full evidence. Assume she cheated physically. This story is like thousands of others. My advice is to stop trying to 'save the marriage'. When a woman is done, she is done. It is a waste of time. You want someone who cheated and clearly did not honor their vows?. What does that show your kids? Yes, it suck. Yes, it hurts. But you've got to master the art of not giving a f%$$. Part of being a disciplined man is doing things you don't want to do in life I went and filed. She was hoping to keep me for support while she's out banging dudes. I don't FN think so.

Basic_Advance7627 · 2023-07-12T13:18:21+00:00

I call BS on “emotional affairs”. If they meet up and they are close enough for an emotional affair then I’ll put 99 to 1 odds it’s physical.

ronin2722 · 2023-07-12T14:15:11+00:00

My guy this place has made me feel so much better even while going through hell. I left a 4600sqft house in Colorado and am sleeping on an air mattress at my best friend and his families house...embarrassing as can be, but what I learned going through this is you need to take care or you, I dont have kids but I am working on my mental health. So don't worry about child support money is just money, THOUGH I do think when you pay child support they should have to provide recipients to prove it was spent on the kids. Also if she won't commit to not hooking up she is 100% hooking up so don't sell yourself short, and don't bother with her cheap ass...you show me the hottest girl I'll show you someone tired of fing her...you say your not interested now but my guy you are going to get some pink stink on your hang low and its going to be epic q

Brontaphilia · 2023-07-12T04:05:25+00:00

Hang in there. You can make it through this separation and divorce

Either_Evidence_1986 · 2023-07-12T05:14:46+00:00

I'm so sorry for you. You've got a rough road ahead. I can't imagine how hard it must be with kids.

SelectionNo3078 · 2023-07-12T14:22:02+00:00

Tonight I confronted her on suspicions of cheating. It has come out that there is at a minimum an emotional affair taking place. She says nothing physical, and I have no proof of otherwise, but have a severely hard time believing that. She suggested separation and while I entertained it for a moment I stated their must be boundaries to it including no cheating. To which she could not promise that. I said I have no desire to fuck other people and will give her space to sort out her decision and I expect the same. Her response was that she does have a desire to fuck other people.

she has given you a very serious gift. the gift of honesty. i still don't have it with my wife and it is making it so hard to detach and give up on her and our marriage even though it is obviously over

take her gift

lawyer up and do not do anything for her beyond the minimum required by law

ronin2722 · 2023-07-12T14:35:23+00:00

You are in a better spot then me. I have zero family. But some very close friends. I Always told myself I'd rather have 4 quarters then 100 pennies. My stbx left me financially ruined, and last night my guy who is not wealthy by any means said he will pay for my lawyer.. now by law I am entitled to ask for legal and lawyer fees, but that might take time. The fact he did this made me cry like a baby. I'm done being embarrassed we have all been abused and treated like garbage no matter our sacrifice and then when it ends they turn to monsters

Acrobatic_Access_905 · 2023-07-12T14:49:01+00:00

You were only having a rough patch. She decided to turn that rough patch into scorched Earth.

Long-Review-1861 · 2023-07-12T08:30:41+00:00

I'll never understand why american men get married. Thankfully it's not like this in my country but I still refuse to allow a woman that much control over me.

AudriWrath · 2024-01-15T23:49:36+00:00

Thank you very much for this

Title	Crushed
Author	Either_Evidence_1986
Upvotes	35
Comments	108
Date	July 12, 2023 3:57 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/14xd9w0/crushed/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/crushed.1225019 https://theredarchive.com/post/1225019

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