F Her Mentality

BigSkyHiker · 2023-11-12T23:51:04+00:00

I think that the reality of the situation is that you are going to have to accept that your brain is going to be spinning for a while. I am 5 months in, and like you had the added bonus of betrayal on top of the usual grief that comes from heartache. It's fricking brutal. Cheating is a choice they made and we and our kids have to live with the results of that. Not fair but it is what it is. It does present you with a choice - are you going to be bitter or better? And certainly it's normal tobe angry or resentful right now - totally ok and healthy in some ways. But it's an easy place to stay stuck in and that's not healthy for you or your kids. See a therapist if you can, focus on your kids, build your support network of friends and family, some form of regular physical activity, stay away from mood/mind altering substances, and remember that you will be ok.

Malaine1 · 2023-11-12T23:22:36+00:00

I’m sorry and know it sucks.

It’s part of the process sadly. So give yourself some slack and allow yourself to be frustrated/pissed or whatever. Try not to drink as your go-to or use drugs.

Coping.. coping..

Hobbies, workout, friends?

I picked up pickleball with a random dude off Reddit and he turned out to be awesome! Take care of yourself in this time.

fives_gw · 2023-11-13T00:44:04+00:00

Yeah, so many of us have been there, man. I'm not through it yet (8 months since separation), but I believe virtually everyone who has gotten through to the other side and my (and virtually every) therapist when they say: the only answer to grief is time.

Best you can do is give yourself grace, take it day at a time (and explicitly ground yourself in the present moment vs your thoughts/ruminations when you notice them coming up, after acknowledging/letting yourself feel the feeling), do the right/healthy stuff (activities, gym, hobbies, friends, support network etc), and let time pass. And trust that your thoughts/feelings will be different in the future.

Just the other day -- despite knowing and really working to live all of what I wrote above myself -- I said to my therapist that I found these negative thoughts and feelings about the divorce, my ex, the resentment, anger, sadness etc were on my mind virtually whenever I wasn't occupied thinking/doing something else. And I just "wish it would be on my mind less." And my therapist was like, "yup, that's grief."

So hopefully take some solace knowing that many of us have been / are going through similar. Then just "trust the process," do the right stuff day to day, and let the time do its healing. Sucks completely, but I really believe that the only way past it is through it. Stay strong!

BlackFire68 · 2023-11-13T00:47:10+00:00

People don’t typically do things TO you, they do them FOR themselves. Cheaters cheat because of them, not because of you. It’s about them.

Designer_Feedback279 · 2023-11-13T00:45:09+00:00

What helped me was to remember that your reality shares nothing with your ex’s, and that’s by design. How else would they live with what they have done? Also, sometimes it’s not that they’ve lied to you, or think they’ve lied to you. It’s that they’ve lied to themselves and probably still are. It doesn’t help answer your question but it helps you stop thinking you can find an answer.

Embarrassed-Safe-670 · 2023-11-13T01:09:19+00:00

In my experience people will screw you over every chance they get.

OpeScuseMe74 · 2023-11-13T01:53:23+00:00

My first time through was definitely hardest because my boys were 9½ and almost 8. Together 17 years and married 14½. Everything sucked because she wouldn't do marriage counseling and I really wanted to figure it out. She was checked out long before she let me know. But there were also online boyfriends and even the guy she married was someone she met online and also from another country. If I were to write out the whole soap opera, it would be stranger than any story I've ever seen or would have imagined. Mourning the death of your marriage is difficult, especially when she isn't actually dead.

I devoted more time to being the best dad I could be. Got more involved in a new church, same denomination but different congregation. Joined their praise band. Started going to a lot of concerts. Basically, I began doing all the things she found excuses never to do. She was very controlling. Things always had to be her way. I rediscovered who I wanted to be and my boys were better for it. I was better for it. My boys are 21 and 20 now and choose not to live with her. They're able to see with their own eyes and experiences who was the better parent.

I didn't get over the death of the marriage for awhile. It sucks but it's normal. Get involved with something that brings you joy. I recommend something with a social aspect to it. But still, finding something you enjoy alone isn't bad either.

I'm going through #2 right now and it sucks for completely different reasons. And even though I'm jealous of who she's going after right now, logically I know that she's not the woman I thought I was in love with. That's the hardest part to reconcile in my head. She looks like her and sounds like her but the evil twin inside her has killed the woman that I thought I knew.

This one is a habitual liar and cheater. I need to regularly remind myself of that. She's not who I thought she was. She's not worth taking up space in my head.

Agitated-Fee-6497 · 2023-11-13T00:33:43+00:00

It's hard to shut off the wondering thoughts.....it just takes time...for me it was close to 2 years before I felt somewhat normal again....stayed busy in between....worked out...surrounded myself with friends.....but nights alone were the hardest. I think it was separation anxiety that hit me the most in hind sight...but now I'm comfortable being alone.

rhett342 · 2023-11-13T01:02:19+00:00

By realizing that she wasn't who I thought she was and that she had become someone I don't want in my life at all anymore.

DivorceTA1988 · 2023-11-13T02:28:29+00:00

There’s nothing to understand because it doesn’t make any sense. All the logic in the world doesn’t matter but acceptance and moving on will come. It’s not what you wanted, but it’s what you’ve got.

Yeti_Dude · 2023-11-13T01:11:55+00:00

You can’t but it gets better with time, guaranteed.

organicwilly · 2023-11-13T01:19:08+00:00

You are valid for feeling betrayed but you do need to move on. If I were you I would have a few female friends she doesn't need to know about. Even the score

Reflog1791 · 2023-11-13T02:58:26+00:00

After a while I didn’t take it personally. Has happened and will happen to better men than you or me.

Eventually you come to the conclusion only option is to move on (let it go).

MR-Ozmidnight · 2023-11-13T03:07:18+00:00

Look don't try to get her to tell you the truth she will only trickle truth you till the end of time, find out if she has cheated on you and get proof, show your family and friends the good ones will stick with you, you may loss some but if you do they weren't friends in the first place, Look up doing the 180, Gray Rocking, and read leave a cheater gain a life, you can find them all on the web, We here have or are were you are now, so your not alone, get the best family lawyer you can afford, If she cheated then that's the worst, disrespect anyone can do to you, I wish you all the luck in the world but if you stick to what I have told you then you wont' need it

HerbEverstanks · 2023-11-13T03:44:17+00:00

I think it's easier with no children involved. She tried her damdest to have kids (to lock me in). It turns out she wasn't able to physically carry a child to term.

She did ask my sister in law to be a surrogate without my knowledge.

I told her that before we start trying (financially able to or not), that she needed to quit smoking 2 packs of cigarettes and having 10 to 15 glasses of boxed wine every day. (Not an exaggeration). She could never quit. The addiction was apparently more important (short term entitlement) than the long term.

I feel for the ones that have children which would make the situation 100x harder.

ijustdontcare74 · 2023-11-13T06:47:48+00:00

Be thankful that she showed you her true personality and that it allows you not to waste another second on such a horrible person.

upvotersfortruth · 2023-11-13T08:45:09+00:00

Screaming all the shit I wanted to say alone in my car
Therapy
Writing a lot down - how i felt, one sided conversations, questions I wanted to ask

Finally, the day you erase any expectation of accountability is the day your healing can begin.

Wassp868 · 2023-11-13T15:27:28+00:00

It takes time, but while its fresh with you, the easiest thing would be to distract yourself. I started working out at home and lost about 30lbs. Find something that drains your energy so that when you lay down your body will force your mind to fall asleep.

It takes time and realization that you are better off.

Don't beat yourself up, the only Constant is Change.

Women want a wedding but ignore the commitment of marriage. They then preach and applaud eachother of how to justify leaving. " I will have love for a woman, but I will not fall in love with a woman"

Leather_Phone4720 · 2023-11-13T15:41:09+00:00

I'm 6 weeks in to a very similar situation - and have to cohabitate with her to boot.

What has helped more than anything else in the times when I'm not with my kids is reading posts like yours, and the replies of men who are further away from the initial shock of discovering the truth.

She almost ropes me back in with her sad story - maybe I am to blame? Maybe I'm overreacting and painting her as the 'bad guy?'

Then I come on here and see people relaying their experiences and I remember:

I didn't do this. I didn't betray my partner. I didn't put my kids in this situation. I didn't thoughtlessly wreck my family. I didn't cultivate a double life and start fucking random people because I was feeling 'unfulfilled.'

And she sure as hell isn't losing sleep over my being shattered by this experience.

She's selfish and I'm not. That helps.

thesportster · 2023-11-13T16:02:27+00:00

I haven't shut it off, but I have slowed it to the occasional drip. But you have to feel it and sit in it for a bit. Staving off the reaction is the worst thing you can do. Get a journal, find some creative ways to channel that energy into something beneficial for you (working on legal documents, going to the gym, etc). Much like my sobriety was, acceptance of the betrayal is a journey taken a day at a time.

keencone · 2023-11-13T03:34:00+00:00

I wasn’t able to shut it off, dude…

I had to build a serious amount of scar-tissue over a period of time and every bit of it sucks.
It will get better though, and also amazing… just gotta slog through the misery, you got this!

SecondManAsleep · 2023-11-13T06:13:46+00:00

I was taken aback. She underwent a metamorphosis. By the time she betrayed me, I couldn't even recognize the woman in front of me. I've spent months pondering the events that led up to our separation. I've concluded that the change in her personality was more chemical than psychosocial.

She had gone off birth control, was drinking and smoking heavily and eventually became pregnant with another man's child.

The real tragedy here is that the story she has been forced to narrate will forever ensure we are separate. Not only are we no longer together, we cannot possibly be together. She saw to that.

OkEmphasis5923 · 2023-11-13T20:09:34+00:00

Don't shut it off. Let it have the space it demands. I know its tiring but if you shut it down its going to pop up in some other weird way.

Workout till exhaustion, therapy, journaling, let our your rage in legal way, cry, listen to sad songs, repeat. It takes a year or two before you get to a good place. You got this.

I'm sure you know by reading the posts on this sub but your story is as old as time itself. Pro athletes go through it. Celebrities go through it. Look what Jason Sudeikis endured a few years ago. Look at what Andrew Shue went through last year. At least your situation isn't in the public eye. No one is immune, no one.

techrmd3 · 2023-11-13T23:07:03+00:00

>How could someone have such little integrity?

ack Women right? I don't get it either. I think it has something to do with their instinctive knowledge that if they want a man out of their thoughts they need to find a new man to bed them. (maybe?)

In many many ways I am confused by women's behavior around modern divorce.

It's literally like watching a child play with dynamite and occasionally throwing a stick in my face while laughing maniacally.

probebeta · 2023-11-13T03:30:13+00:00

This might not be the best advice but what helped me was consuming some Rolo Tomassi material and the likes. Unplugging from the bs that we've been spoonfed this whole time is key to becoming a better version of yourself.

You will come out much better than her in all this. Women aren't exact the most rational long term thinkers but that's really not your concern. Keep looking forward and focus on you now.

mubacalypse23 · 2023-11-13T20:57:19+00:00

You’re going through red pill rage it’s going to get even worse imagine her bent over getting her cheeks clapped by another guy now so get ready for more pain ahead

AbroadDelicious4931 · 2023-11-13T23:32:31+00:00

Bro go to Thailand

Title	F Her Mentality
Author	SummerRound
Upvotes	44
Comments	45
Date	November 12, 2023 11:13 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/17twngg/f_her_mentality/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/f-her-mentality.1238254 https://theredarchive.com/post/1238254

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