Glad I found this place

WartimeDad · 2023-12-14T12:57:12+00:00

I lost everything. And some. Make very little. Likely will never get back on my feet.

AdventurousTrash1645 · 2023-12-14T05:28:08+00:00

I make $340 k a year and between spousal support and child support she gets have my income. We were married for 20 years and she never worked. She will never work and won't get remarried. I may have to pay her alimony for the rest of her life. Her parents are rich so between what she gets from me and her parents she's loaded and I'm now in a shitty apartment. California divorce laws are brutal. And I work for her father. It's hard to believe life will get better. I feel like a money slave for my ex.

INeverSaidThat89 · 2023-12-12T21:58:57+00:00

It's not about how much money we have. As long as your basic needs are met, that's a win. For me, it's waking up every morning knowing that I won't be cussed out, antagonized, or treated like a child by someone who was supposed to love me. She sends me some random annoying posts about once a month trying to start shit and I reply, "Enjoy life."

xeskind30 · 2023-12-12T20:49:21+00:00

I don't make anywhere near that. But once my daughter graduates from High School, I am free! I intend to finish out my time and retire at my job then do whatever I want. All I want is to retire and take a vacation where I am not hounded to buy all the nick knacks for people that will throw them out or give them as presents to others.

To be able to relax and not care about anyone but me is something I look forward to. Plus not having to owe money as a stipulation of the divorce will be a big weight off my shoulders.

QuestionLater3494 · 2023-12-12T18:49:23+00:00

I make $160k in San Diego, recently voted the priciest city in the US. I'm pushing a kid through school. So it's not a lot of money.

But I'm doing okay. I'm comfortable in a rental. I'll never own again in SD. My house WAS a very hard won accomplishment for me. She definitely worked against it, spent more than she earned. My home is gone and that's a failure in my book. That hurts a lot.

She did much worse.

"treating my children like they only exist for social media posts" - YUP, sounds super familiar.

Apprehensive-Cost496 · 2023-12-12T18:39:33+00:00

I'll consider myself luck since I made it out relatively unscathed. Thankfully the exw worked professionally and I got her 401k set up early on, only had to payout some marriage equity and she bought me out of the house. I was able to buy a sweet place, small house but big yard and huge garage, almost opposite of what the marital home was (bigger home, small garage, small yard). It works great for the kids and I, I'm close to a ton of great nature and bike trails and walkable to a nice little downtown.

The cheating exw still walked away pretty good although in the end, she lost her doting hubby with a great salary and growth potential and she is no longer in a paid off house. On top of it, her AP makes less than her (I made double what she made), dude barely has anything to his name and is gonna hit retirement age in 10 years, so she can support his old arse.

As much as this stuff still makes me seethe, I have had a ton of good career luck this year, I can do whatever I want on my own time and I'm watching my accounts grow and not having to worry about millions of amazon boxes on my stoop everyday.

Careless_Payment9298 · 2023-12-12T17:41:10+00:00

I owned a business with 9 locations. She wasn't happy so I closed them all and went back to work. She said she wanted more family time and the company was hogging my time. Within 4-5 years we were broke and she left for a doctor. I lost my job and had to move into a spare bedroom at my sisters house as I fought to be more than visitation dad. I lost my house, car, and job. It took 3 years ti get back on my feet.

Now I am rebuilding. I have a better car, job, house, and girl. Don't lose hope.

Gattsama · 2023-12-12T11:09:07+00:00

In my case, no kids, so it's a lot easier. I am 100% living the dream after divorce. I owe $7.5k/mo in spousal support for 3.5 years (1 year paid so far). I still have some trouble sleeping (wake up after 4 hrs when previously I would sleep all night). I filed, which I also think makes a huge difference mentally.

Together 17 years, married 12 years. Separated Oct 2021, divorced Nov 2022.

During the separation, I went to Thailand x2 and Singapore x1. Always worked out a lot, but become more consistent. Lost 2 inches off the waist and got back in shape: calisthenics, jumping rope, running 3-5mi 4-5x/wk, swimming, etc. Oddly enough, I have done BJJ on and off for years, but I haven't done more since divorce (brown belt).

Since the divorce, I have moved into a single family home that I'm rent renting just for me and two cats. It's 100% mine, no BS, and no useless shit. Have the home gym: mats, pull-up bar, weights. And garage with rings and heavy bag. I am closer to work (8-10 mins in traffic, 6min no traffic).

I bought a small plane. Dream of mine for years. Already had my private pilots certificate. I'm going to start flying missions for Angel flight next year (volunteer organization to transport patients). Took 6 weeks off Summer of 2024 to fly across the country and see family.

Starting skiing again after. 15-year break. Got season pass at local resort.

Got a motorcycle again after a 12 year break. Planning road trips next spring.

Having been visiting family more (I'm on the West Coast, they are east coast).

Life has never been more peaceful and stress free. Have a new g/f that is genuinely interested in me, loves having sex and bakes me food regularly. She is mature, not insane, intellectual/intelligent, and has been very healing. She introduced me to paddle boarding. We go skiing, running, play video games, etc. So far, zero drama. But more importantly, I do not have to entertain her. We don't even go out that much. She is way more fit than the eX, more workable, and works harder to take care of me. She has paid for some dates and trips!

Financially, I am paying a lot in spousal support. But because I overall downgraded, I actually have more discretionary income now than when married 🙃 Once the eX is paid off, I'm taking all of that money and directing it towards setting up passive income streams.

Have trips with the new girl to Mexico in Jan and skiing in MT in March. The year isn't over yet, but I project I'll gross ~$450k+. Cutting back next year to travel and recover more.

DivorceRecoveryMen · 2023-12-12T09:21:43+00:00

Hard to do but take all that negative thought on your ex and put it into being the best father you can be. Time to create everlasting memories with them. Mine are grown now and that's what I did to my best ability. I have no regrets doing that. I was consumed in what she was doing first then I realize what was most important here.... me and the kids.

Busy-Grapefruit-5149 · 2023-12-12T08:05:04+00:00

🤣🤣🤣 you are bitter and jealous. Would you rather she was weeping everyday. Glad she got rid of you

BudFox_LA · 2023-12-12T06:53:09+00:00

I’m making considerably more money than I was when we separated, now around $150k and she is struggling (1099/small biz). 50-50, joint custody, finished paying spousal support about six months ago, which was one of the best days ever. Still paying child support we didn’t have a house, we were renting a nice house that she is still in. The divorce cost me around 30 grand in legal fees, but she didn’t touch much of my 401(k) because I agreed to not pursue interest in her business. My Roth IRA and the kids 529 accounts remain intact, and while the legal fees took a bite out of cash, I I could live for a year on the cash I have if I lost my job tomorrow God forbid. I am going on year three of a great relationship with a beautiful 29-year-old (Im 46), The ex-wife and I are still friendly and on speaking terms, and the kids are thriving. The divorce was long, expensive and painful, but in many ways, it is the best thing that ever happened. Most importantly, I am free of her bullshit (mostly).

StuffToday · 2023-12-12T05:31:15+00:00

Salary hasn’t changed. Went from dual income with a total at 235k to single income at 130k. Had to refinance the house to give her half of the equity. That $190k check suuuuucked to write. Had to buy a new vehicle, increase my house payment by 40%, and start paying child support despite 50/50 visitation and her working part time for a $105k salary.

I went from very comfortable living to living paycheck to paycheck despite a very good salary. I kept the house so the kids don’t have to lose that too. Now I’m stuck in it because rates are so high and the house I would get would be a piece of crap that would come with the same payment I have now. She also claims the kids for taxes, so I take a big hit there as well.

The good news is that career wise I’m primed for my next step up, and that should come with a ~$30k raise.

probebeta · 2023-12-12T04:35:30+00:00

Im going to share my observation and you might agree or disagree. I think most men get blindsided when they hear 'im not happy' talk. By that point she's already 6 months in with a new prospect that she was planning to monkey branch to. Meanwhile, the guy is now scrambling how he can keep afloat, assets at risk, custody risk, adjust lifestyle with kids and caretaking, plus you gotta focus on leveling up and living a good life. It's pretty damn hard, and at this point she's got the upper hand.

But... Don't think for a second that this fun time she's having is going to last long. There is plenty of time for things to even out, and if you put in the work you will come out way ahead of this. A broke single mom who's all of the sudden not so hot will be a pretty rough reality, it just hasn't sunk in yet. I have no ill will towards her I just don't think grass will be greener.

I'm not that concerned about whether I will be able to do as good as her. Now it's a battle of how to make sure she's a good mom and pulls in the weight so I don't one day snap and retaliate. Kids get hurt in the process. Pretty sad...

XingTianMain · 2023-12-12T04:12:46+00:00

The peace, is truly enough.

RevolutionaryLaw8854 · 2023-12-12T03:50:26+00:00

Love your life not theirs. Comparison is the thief of joy. I could go all day with these platitudes 🤪

What she does or doesn’t do is no longer your concern. You just be consistent and present in the lives of your children. Nothing else matters.

PossibilityOk2592 · 2023-12-12T02:31:04+00:00

I had the big house. 5 bedrooms for two people. What a waste. All of that money, and furniture and shit for what? To say we lived in such and such neighborhood. I’m 2 weeks from getting a 35 foot travel trailer. My best life is ahead of me.

sbarrowski · 2023-12-12T02:26:20+00:00

When your kids are grown up it’s way better.

Mopstick86 · 2023-12-12T02:17:15+00:00

Not 200. But I went from around 70k to 130k. Plus I’m able to do so much without the financial black hole that my ex wife was. My biggest regret is we sold the house. I’ll never get a brand new home for 330k with a 2.4% interest rate. In a one bedroom apartment now smh. But I’m happy and free. No kids so she doesn’t exist to me anymore.

tyyyy110 · 2023-12-12T02:16:44+00:00

I can say it took me a while but I bounced back better than before. Im maintaining and making more money than I did while I was with her. I don't want for anything. If I want something I go get it period! And and it also helps that I no longer pay her cs. My daughter is 20yrs old now so yea it gets better trust me.

justme4556 · 2023-12-12T02:08:02+00:00

Not 200k. yet. That being said I am in for a difficult couple of years. She gets the house and I rebuild from scratch. But even if I end up sleeping in my car I wont regret it.

Blue_wafflestomp · 2023-12-12T01:52:04+00:00

I lost everything. Even when I thought the dust of splitting up assets was settled and all the paperwork was signed, everything left in my life kept turning to ash. Ended up homeless for several weeks, the emotional effects had the bonus effect of making me a cancer to my business and it failed. It's a story I wouldn't even believe myself if I hadn't lived it. I can't even talk about it all at once.

I'm currently clawing out a survival and have a roof over my head, but materially, things are very not good haha. Good times, bad times, it's all temporary in life. Everything ends. For now I'm enjoying the ride and just happy to see the sun with my dog every morning.

She however, is living a charmed life. New job, new guys, new friends. More money than she knows what to do with. I'm not worried though. Her charmed life only exists at the surface. My troubles only exist at the surface.

I think a lot of us are feeling the same or similar experience as you are. It's just extremely shameful to talk about the material aspects because we are supposed to be the providers. So we see a lot of talk about the emotional loss here, but not as much about the effects into the material world.

techrmd3 · 2023-12-12T01:33:58+00:00

I'm doing well. My ex says and posts she's doing well with her new fiancee so I guess she's ok too.

I am paying a significant amount of money via child support and spousal support. While she is shacked up with a dude.

But even me paying out I am noticing I have MORE left over every month than when I was with her. And now I don't have to fund HER retirement!

So yeah I'm doing well. :)

Title	Glad I found this place
Author	Bretweir_jerky
Upvotes	37
Comments	81
Date	December 12, 2023 1:19 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/18g9wus/glad_i_found_this_place/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/glad-i-found-this-place.1240525 https://theredarchive.com/post/1240525

Comments