I wish I could understand

Equivalent_Stop_9160 · 2023-04-26T19:58:13+00:00

You will never understand. Trying to understand her logic will drive you insane, or worse. You made all of the mistakes most people on this sub made, which was trying to make her life as easy and stress free as possible. See how that makes zero sense? Yet we see the same story 10 times a day.

All you can do is try to be the man best possible for yourself and for your kids. Completely disregard what she thinks or wants or is doing, it isn’t your problem now. I know it’s hard but you will get to where you need to be.

Spiritual-Turnip2581 · 2023-04-26T21:28:26+00:00

I find that there’s always a woman (or women) surrounding the wife who are like little devils on her shoulder, they don’t call out bad behaviour they actually encourage it. When a wife shares problems in her relationship they don’t encourage reconciliation or inward reflection, they cheer for the break up. They call them besties without realizing these woman in their lives literally just want to see her alone.

They also have major influences on the marriage in ways you don’t expect. They can influence the bedroom too.

Female relationships are just so odd to me. There’s this unspoken animosity that’s very obvious if you actually look at it closely.

Xan-Diesel · 2023-04-26T20:04:29+00:00

Your story is very similar to many of ours. There are legions of us who did what we thought we were supposed to and what was sold to us by popular culture, media, our parents, friends and our wives themselves. We believed women were operating under the same rules as we were and that if we handled things, took care of business, provided and were present partners and Father's that everything would work out for us.

Unfortunately it turns out what we thought we were supposed to do isn't effective and we need to completely recondition ourselves if we want long term relationships. Don't focus on what women are telling you - pay attention to what they're doing. Actions have meaning and words have none. Looking into suggested reading from u/dday_throwaway3 like "No More Mr. Nice Guy" is the path you should take from here on out.

Being "emotionally available", practicing ridiculous "chore play" (women will advise: "ooooh just do the dishes and laundry and clean up if you want her to be sexually charged!), engaging in any of their shit-tests and generally compromising who you are and what your role should be in the relationship are just some of the things that slowly erode the relationship.

Like you: I sought understanding. I thought if I could understand what made my ex-wife bail that I'd somehow cathartically dispel all the horrible feelings I was experiencing. The truth is that most of it stemmed from my inability to understand female nature as well as observe the effect my reluctance to embrace my natural dominant lead role was having on the dwindling spark. Making concessions on certain things occasionally is one thing but I had lost nearly my entire frame by trying to tow the line.

These days I miss the emotional and romantic intimacy of a long term relationship but I'm 100% me. When I start getting the whittling effect of women I'm talking to (it starts with small things like "wear this" or "lets change this decoration" or "I don't want to do that") I just remember that they should enhance my life. Pretty quickly I'll move onto one of the millions of others out there. It feels cheap and temporary and plastic but I get to be 100% me all of the time and if they aren't on board (most of the time they don't even seem to know what they want and then it seems to change anyway) then one of the others will.

BabyYoda55 · 2023-04-26T20:00:48+00:00

Happens to a lot of us unfortunately. ☹️. Once women start getting dissatisfied it is tough to get it back on track.

1Cobbler · 2023-04-27T01:57:03+00:00

It's because feminism has taught women to expect much different life outcomes now than they were up until about the 1980s.

Before that it was basically desirable to get a good husband, have kids, raise them and just live a simple life. All the women in their circles would encourage this and basically having a solid family, security, a home was basically all that we required. Ironically, men are still taught this, which is why we seem to have polar opposite feelings about happiness and fulfilment during the "nappy changing" phase.

Women now want to be worldly. If you look at dating profiles like 80% of them are just desperate to spend every cent they earn travelling and having new experiences. Most men can't think of anything worse and just want to have a solid base.... and maybe a boat.

Early relationships are fun for both men and women. Plenty of sex, you can travel, have fun, build careers. Then families happen and there's this seismic shift in women's lives that is basically a necessity. Pregnancy and breastfeeding removes luxuries like alcohol, fermented foods (blue cheeze), smoked foods from their diets. You know, basically adult wine bar culture. The money dries up because you have 1 income (for a while) and the house and kids are expensive and time sinks so there's very little room left for going out or travelling, which seems to be basically what modern women define their lives by.

Men are ok with this shift. It's what we want. It's what society tells us we should want "Be a man, have a family, work hard". I think it's also in our nature to not be as socially minded. Almost every guy I know only goes out or travels to keep his partner/wife happy. Sure, they can enjoy it, but would they have enjoyed a new computer/boat/car more? Almost certainly.

Ever had one of those conversations with a mate:

"Yeah, we're taking the family to Europe this summer."

"Wow, that sounds great. How much that going to set you back?"

Guy takes a swig of his beer "A lot. Would have been nice to put that money into the house, but it's what Mary really wants. What are you gonna do?" Looks down at his feet.

"Yeah. Mate it will be fun. You'll enjoy yourself"

"Yeah. The kids will get a good experience out of it"

You know that guy is dying inside just a little bit.

There seems to be a push back now because the data actually says that women are less happy now than they were in the 1960s and those that forgo families in lieu of fun/careers are also less happy in the long run. It's definitely too late for anyone over 18 at this stage. The damage is done. But I have hope that my kids generation will have a more realistic expectation of life.

YesterdayFormal4359 · 2023-04-26T21:31:52+00:00

That completely different person after the kids is exactly what I experienced. We only have the one, but your story resonates with me 100%. I am in the midst of the fallout trying to see where all the pieces have landed. If this is truly the end or there is a chance of us working through it.

Alatornio · 2023-04-26T21:45:46+00:00

You will never make sense of it. The best way to explain it to you is that women operate on feelings and men operate on facts.

Its a fact you provided income and a nice family home. Its how her life felt to her in the moment was not right.

You say 2+2 is 4 but for her 2+2 can feel like less.

Nothing you could do unless you could read her mind. This woman will never be happy. Thats a damn fact.

Big_Calendar_4170 · 2023-04-26T23:43:22+00:00

I’ll reiterate what others have said here. My story is similar. You’ll see many comparable iterations of it on Reddit. My ex rewrote our entire history to try to justify her behaviors after 11 years of marriage, 14 years together.

Funny_Wolverine_9 · 2023-04-26T23:17:38+00:00

You answered your own question as to why you're here: You gave her everything and she got bored. As they say, "Show a woman heaven and she'll complain about the view. Show her hell and she'll offer to pay rent".

Many of us on this forum are same as you. We provided our ex's with everything, had a good life, but they got bored and decided to cheat and burn the house down.

Hope you realize that the concept of marriage is doomed in western civilization and you learn your lesson as 90% of divorces are initiated by women.

Dangerous_Item_6879 · 2023-04-26T23:47:16+00:00

Dude. What you are going through is normal. You have to immediately stop wondering “what if…”

There is nothing you could have done to stop this from happening. Most women (some would argue all) are wired the same way.

To summarize what others have said.

1) postpartum depression is real and affects women in different ways. Mine turned into a cheater. Others get depressed. Some go crazy. Some become intolerable.

“Everything was fine until the 1st (or 2nd or 3rd) kid was born, then she changed….”

2) Being a stay at home mom sucks. Imagine caring for an infant all the time. Our mothers and grandmothers didn’t have tik tok, insta-whore, or Facebook to distract them from being good parents. They were determined to get things done and take care of their husbands. There was no Uber eats, laundry service, or maid service. They knew their role and did their job.

The new age of entitlement has taken over. Thanks social media and smartphone.

3) We were all fed the “happy wife, happy life” mantra so instead of putting our foot down and establishing rules and boundaries we figured ‘well if I help do the dishes, laundry, clean the house, feed the baby in the middle of the night then she will be more relaxed and happy and will leave me alone’.

4) It is way easier and less damaging to their ego to just say “my husband is so annoying, he doesn’t do this or that and all he wants to do when he comes home is eat dinner and watch tv”. In reality they should be looking in the mirror and realizing that they suck, their attitude is horrible, they are unappreciative, they are spoiled and their life is too easy.

5) Happiness comes from within. If you can’t love yourself and be content on your own time with your own doings then you will make your partner miserable no matter what changes they try and make.

RockandRollGuitars · 2023-04-26T21:47:54+00:00

This is my story as it is with so many on here.

Bottom line, I compromised who I was to keep the peace and did “all the right things” you’re told a good husband does and this enabled her entitlement. In hindsight I should have held up my boundaries and called her out more often on her shit and demanded more equal sharing in the household load.

If I had done that, I would have been happier, she would have had more respect for me and we’d probably have had a lasting partnership in the end. That, or we would have divorced before having kids and it becoming more disruptive to life.

Hang in there, focus on you and your kids. Don’t take any direction from her, stay stoic and grey rock. Let her be the crazy one.

Nobody-941 · 2023-04-26T22:41:37+00:00

I am wondering...for motif of this thread where the ex-wives were never satisfied no matter how little they had to be responsible for during marriage...how did they do after? Once they had to get off their ass and fend for themselves, how did they fare?

Ok-Cat1446 · 2023-04-27T00:31:54+00:00

Cut your losses and focus on you and the kids. There is no logic here and many of us find ourselves in similar spots. Protect yourself and your assets. The situation will not change. It is sad. You deserve better.

goodlowdee · 2023-04-27T00:32:30+00:00

The only thing you need to understand is that it’s over and time to move forward. Easier said than done.

Certain-Line-6351 · 2023-04-27T03:55:17+00:00

You put her on a pedestal. She gets bored because you were wrapped around her finger. You’re able to do everything for her and you need to remember “you’re” the prize she’s not. We need to be on board with you that in the driver seat. You lost control when you’re idolized her.

awesomelybearded · 2023-04-26T21:55:18+00:00

It changes everything.

Brovehoe77 · 2023-04-26T22:03:55+00:00

I think it’s the pregnancy. Literally the same issue.

10 years together, 2 years trying finally have baby and not happy. “I wasn’t there for her” when I’ve literally been here trying listening to her requests and dealing with her painting me as a terrible partner because I work from home and want to be involved in my sons life.

I did learn through therapy it’s not my fault though. Look up narcissist as well.

Mind boggling I agree. These women act like life is so hard with their first world problems so caught up in their own selfish needs. Sorry you are also seeing this, fucking soul crushing imo

upvotersfortruth · 2023-04-27T04:04:12+00:00

Do yourself a favor and drop the “forever adversary” mindset. She may bring that to the table, but you don’t have to.

Ecstatic-Eye-5766 · 2023-04-27T04:16:42+00:00

Maybe that was the problem, too nice. ( I don’t get it either but sounds like this is a problem)

I wish I could understand

Comments

3 is the absolute truth, this is what I did for 5 years. I was wrong for doing it

Title	I wish I could understand
Author	steaksauce872
Upvotes	38
Comments	79
Date	April 26, 2023 7:31 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/12zwlmw/i_wish_i_could_understand/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/i-wish-i-could-understand.1216862 https://theredarchive.com/post/1216862