Waking up to the nightmare

Haunting_Profession3 · 2024-06-13T13:24:12+00:00

The mornings are by far the hardest. I feel like we can all completely relate and understand. I’m past that point, but it took a long time. When you wake up, force your self to get up when your eyes open and get in the shower. Find music that gives you good energy and a positive mindset and play that music on a speaker while you’re showering. I did this (and still do) religiously every morning, and it helped minimize the haunting feelings you are experiencing right now.

You’ll have to learn how to think about other things, and focus on the positives in your life. Career, kids, fitness, whatever. Keep your mind on the things you can control, and make them your purpose.

Also, someone else in here mentioned this as well, but it’s so true. I’m not and never have been a religious man, but I turned to praying when I was at my lowest point. It seems like adding a prayer into my day has made a massive difference as well. I use it as a way to ask for help that no one in the world could possibly help with, and I shit you not, it has worked.

One morning, you’re going to wake up and not feel this way anymore. It will happen. Until then, lean into the pain and fight your way through it with healthy habits that benefit you!

celticmoose · 2024-06-12T20:02:51+00:00

For the first two months after my wife told me she didn’t love me, every time I woke up it was like I was punched in the gut. I felt the weight and sadness of it immediately. I did therapy, worked out a ton, and hung out with friends as much as I could. One day I realized the feeling was gone. It’s still hard but I don’t have that instant panic anymore.

JamJarBlinks · 2024-06-12T14:07:26+00:00

This is hard. Worst part is this small bliss moment before all the shit you're getting through comes rushing back.

What helped me is quantifying the shit out of everything that could , and smashing clay, rocks and dough for the rest.

Good luck

Neither-Butterfly184 · 2024-06-12T13:34:55+00:00

That’s my life too. It sucks. I have not found a way out.

ADHD_247 · 2024-06-12T09:33:58+00:00

Waking up amongst this is very hard...

ADHD_247 · 2024-06-12T09:28:33+00:00

Go for a run and smash it!

upvotersfortruth · 2024-06-12T06:32:28+00:00

Write it down and breathing exercises.

Striking-Trainer8148 · 2024-06-12T05:13:30+00:00

Stress and anxiety are only caused by things left undone.

No one ever said “oh I got all my work done and now I’m so stressed out”

Get to doing

Isthisthereddits · 2024-06-12T05:06:48+00:00

It's tough, takes time, and everyone handles things differently. It killed me a little, but I was lucky enough to find out that she had broken one of my boundaries that calls for the relationship to dissolve. She wanted to be done and now if I loved or respected myself in the slightest I had to make sure it ended on my terms. The line she crossed was cheating and that's the day I went from being sad to being cold as the arctic winter. All feelings for her died in an instant. Next was anger. Getting past the rumination in anger took me finally feeling sick from the anger. I had to choose to forget it all and spend my waking hours finding happiness in my new found peace/freedom. To find happiness in myself, my friends, and what could come next in my life.

Enough_Youth_4564 · 2024-06-12T04:23:01+00:00

If thinking about it is not getting you any new ideas/plans/strategies, then stop thinking about it. Just stop thinking about it.

I delegated everything to a lawyer I trust and started seeing my divorce as a legal case I have to win. Drop all the emotions, I know it’s not easy, but you got to do it. She’s dead. You have kids/finances to deal with as a case.

WittyBeautiful7654 · 2024-06-12T04:00:38+00:00

Be honest with first 4 months fuckin sucked. I was sleeping on a couch working at a fast food job. Had lost my big house nice truck everything. I know that finding God sounds corny man. But I don't know how I would of made it. She now playing hoe with a ginah a dudes. So it's embarrassing to watch so I don't. Got a better gig just start focusing on weight loss, the gym. Getting outside more. I've starry talking to women. Much younger beautiful women. At this point just grieve man. Get all those feelers out. Let yourself heal it's not going anywhere. Day to day though it seems to get easier on average. Still gonna be days that are fuckin awful. But they are.few and far between. I'm sorry, I know you loved her. I'm sure she loved you. But she ain't going through like you. She's already sleeping with her buddy and happy as hell. I know cause they all do that.

Warriorclass1984 · 2024-06-12T03:11:38+00:00

Smoke weed and learn how to make more money. Start going to the gym or get into jujitsu. Join a group or something.

Moms_Sketti88 · 2024-06-12T02:27:24+00:00

Scared for my financial future and even that of my stbx. I think what you’re feeling is normal. I’m the one pretty much wanting divorce and I’m plagued with guilt, even though I know my marriage is unhealthy. My scared brain tells me it’s normal to have a wife who can’t control her emotions, temper, bad with finances, lazy, etc. I realized I’m comfortably miserable and scared of not seeing my kid everyday. Success for me will be freedom from drama. Not sure the reason for your divorce, but wish you the best of luck mate!

lally · 2024-06-12T02:00:20+00:00

The kids don't actually care if you two are together. They care how the two of you treat them. That's what they need. If the relationship wasn't working, it's better to so giving them a bad example.

Finances will suck. But they sucked before, and they'll suck after.

Until then, imagine a life with way more freedom and less stress than you've been having for years. You'll probably have far more control over your life than you've had in a long long time.

roshi-roshi · 2024-06-12T01:11:06+00:00

I struggle with the same thing, but usually early in the morning. I feel like our minds are so lucid in the midst of sleep that feelings can just be amplified. I always try to get back to sleep, but that never works. Getting up and doing something is the only thing that kind of helps. So sorry you’re going through this. I somehow had a good morning today. Not expecting that tomorrow. We’ll see. Hope you feel better my friend.

krazykanuck · 2024-06-11T23:05:55+00:00

Start journaling. Doesnt matter what you write, just put some shit on paper. Something about putting it out there on paper that helps you process some of it.

Psychological_Art823 · 2024-06-11T22:25:06+00:00

Yea im in the same boat. Still in legal process.

The first 6 months i would wake up and within a minute or two all the panic, anxiety, fear and grief would hit me like a truck.

Im still struggling but can offer a few tips:

Stay busy when you can. As said task lists, any little thing you can do for yourself or others is good. Dont put shit off.
Work as much as you can.
Keep off your phone, no doom scrolling and if your still on socials id recommend taking a break.
Stay off alcohol and other drugs, it doesnt help. When i was smoking weed at the start Id get a rebound effect (not good at all).
Exercise as hard as you can. If your tired or weak for a period walk or stretch.
Try figure out a sleep routine whatever works for you. Stick to it.
Cry when you need to. Get in your car and go for a drive. Dont hold back.
Understand your feelings are justified. This is a life changing event, it is serious. Many good strong men have gone down from divorce.
Therapy and a good GP.
Try meds if needed, I didnt have a good experience with them but many trusted people swear by them.
Reach out to people. Just be aware some people may not understand or know how to help. Others may surprise you. Accept it all and dont place judgement or get frustrated.
One day at a time as a spiritual practice.
Journal or scribble, cold shower, sleep, play video games.. tap into anything that can give your brain little breaks.

All these things have helped me survive extreme depression, anxiety, shame, hurt and anger. Im still in it but battling each day.

In future months I hope to be able to:

Be more social
Smile again
Get back into old hobbies
Meet new people

All the best brother, its totally fucked. I feel you your not alone.

AttemptScary4550 · 2024-06-11T22:15:22+00:00

My distracting activity when I needed it was waking up to go on a walk. Walking really helped me. I would listen to Audible books, podcast, self help, religious, fiction anf more. Whatever I felt like to help me get going in the morning and to settle me down at night. Needed that for years and was suggested by my therapist.

captainchippsixx · 2024-06-11T21:53:40+00:00

To do list. Daily, weekly, monthly tasks Put financial tasks, health tasks, workouts Everything. Some tasks you may need to break down into subtasks. Like financial moves. You want to eat better. Put on there go to store and buy your food.

Then start kicking ass and.accomplishing.

Thevinegru2 · 2024-06-11T20:40:58+00:00

You’re going to want to talk and think about your issues and that’s fine, but I would try to avoid thinking about your issues at all as much as possible. It doesn’t make you feel better and it won’t solve anything.

Try to think about positive things as much as possible.

ciscokid12345 · 2024-06-11T19:00:39+00:00

Divorce was a big eye opener for me. I figured I was a tough guy who could take on anything. Turns out divorce is one of the hardest things a man can go through. I didn’t sleep through the night for at least a year and it was a brutal divorce with all kinds of lies and restraining orders from BS that cost me $75,000 in attorney fees over the course of two years.

Here is what helped me:

Find a therapist.
Prioritize your mental health above all else.
Start practicing things that bring you peace. (yoga, meditation, going for walks, surfing, etc)
Learn about stoicism and buddhism. Non-attachment and impermanence.

My favorite philosophy comes from the third chinese patriarch of zen and I remind myself of this every time my ex is causing drama.

“The Great Way is not difficult for those who have no preferences.

When love and hate are both absent, everything becomes clear and undisguised. Make the smallest distinction, however, and heaven and earth are set infinitely apart.

If you wish to see the truth, then hold no opinions for, or against, anything. To set up what you like against what you dislike is the disease of the mind. When the deep meaning of things is not understood, the mind's essential peace is disturbed to no avail.”

Heavy_Guitar_4848 · 2024-06-11T18:43:53+00:00

Pen and paper. Make to do lists for each day. Get a planner and start simplifying your life. My whole divorce was one to do list after another. Then was a weird feeling when everything was done

deathkamaro77 · 2024-06-11T18:05:52+00:00

First: It's okay to be anxious. Your world got turned upside down and dumped its contents all over your head. Your life is scattered. Allow yourself to be scared and upset. This will go on for a while, more than likely.

Second: The good news is, there is help. You need to first realize and ACCEPT you can only control the things you can. Put out one fire at a time. There is no shame in getting on medication or taking the therapy route. I had to. It helped a lot once I got over the stupid stigma of it all.

Third: Keep busy. Exercise your ass off. Rekindle old hobbies you might have allowed to fall by the wayside. Try things outside of your comfort zone. Look up divorce recovery groups and dig in. Start living FOR YOU, because you are your best friend right now. YOU will save yourself from sinking.

And you have us, of course.

NewDay0110 · 2024-06-11T17:47:58+00:00

Yes, its years later and I still get that icky feeling sometimes because of the fear that my ex will find a way to take me back into court.

Independent_Owlz · 2024-06-11T17:39:57+00:00

Yes, and it’s okay to seek help. Talk to a professional. Make your mental health a priority. Therapy and exercise is a proven method to get through this hellscape.

This sub has helped me so much. Come back, update us, vent, rant, comment.

You’re not alone.

coffee_powered · 2024-06-11T17:33:34+00:00

Don’t be afraid of going to your doctor and asking for some medicinal help, getting outside is good and all, but there’s plenty of lovely anti-anxiety options available which helped me significantly. And which I no longer need.

Propranolol is legit.

OctinoxateAndZinc · 2024-06-11T17:32:37+00:00

You're in disaster mode. This is normal. You're basically trying to re-figure out every aspect of your life ALL AT ONCE. Just know that you're not expected to do that at the drop of a hat and you'll have time to figure ALL this out. No one will make you suddenly give answers to all of this and you're allowed to tell everyone on anything "i need some time I will get back to you"

The legal process part of this moves slowly so you will have time. In fact once things calm down you'll start to think its going TOO SLOW.

Best advice for mental well being:

No drinking/drugs. At all. You need a clear head and its also good physically. If you have stuff at home dump it/get it out of the house. No one ever drank their way OUT of a bad situation. Also I found telling people I was not drinking made them very happy to listen knowing "I was taking control of this shit show."
Get a therapist/support system. They charge way less than a lawyer.
If the spouse is asking for this THEY can move out. Kids will remember which parent "left" the home.
Time apart from the other person is absolutely the best thing for mental stability, even avoiding them in the home is good if they are still both in there until this is done.
If they try to get chummy he can them you'll be pleasant but 'please do not engage me as if we're still together.' and do not be surprised if they start acting overly happy or weirdly angry.
Give ones self some grace. No one is perfect.
You should be around Family/friends. Get out of the house when you can. Tell friends/family you need to get out and be distracted.
Everyone will be willing to listen to this bs for about a year at that point they need to know they sound like a broken record and people will, frankly, get sick of it (family will listen longer).
Take care of ones health. I FORCED myself to eat well - healthy meals at least once a day. No junk food/sugar/fast food. Even if you just buy a pre-made salad or fruit or something. Get all the crap food out of your house. If its not there you will not eat it. I went lax at the start and ended up in the ER from exhaustion. And ease of on coffee, you'll just get panic attacks.

grimxluna4ever · 2024-06-11T16:55:57+00:00

I've been using this magnesium supplement called Calm. It really helps the all day anxiety. Gym helps me sleep.

Reflog1791 · 2024-06-11T16:15:17+00:00

It’s called anxiety. The good news is it is an acute case related to the stress and trauma of divorce. I had depression and anxiety for about two years and now both are completely gone.

Counselors deal with this all the time and they teach “mindfulness” exercises. They are breathing exercises; look it up online. It’s fairly simple but it takes practice to control your breath, heart rate, and emotions.

I found these work best as a preventative measure (ie just do them everyday to keep anxiety at bay).

When you’re having an anxiety attack (what you’re describing), try doing a shit ton of push-ups or going for a run. That at least worked better for me when breathing exercises just wouldn’t cut it. However, if you do your breathing exercises often, you avoid anxiety attacks or they are much smaller and easier to manage.

Knightrider319 · 2024-06-11T15:59:53+00:00

I know the feeling, and it’s awful. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. Find a healthy escape, go for a walk and put on some calming music. Find a project or task that you’ve been wanting to do and just take your mind off it just even for a little bit. It goes in waves but it does get better. I have a hard time trying to stop my mind from racing too worrying about the same stuff. Just focus and be there for your kids always. Everything will work out. I’m a month in and I’m still a fucking mess, but just take things one day at a time. You don’t need to do it all or figure it all out in one day. Sometimes you just need to curl up and stay in bed and there’s nothing wrong with that, it’s a grieving process and it takes a lot of time. Lean on friends and family if possible, take help when you can. If you don’t feel like you have anyone, reach out to me, sometimes it just feels good to vent and talk to someone.

Title	Waking up to the nightmare
Author	Remarkable_Egg492
Upvotes	23
Comments	41
Date	June 11, 2024 3:45 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1ddhc6k/waking_up_to_the_nightmare/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/waking-up-to-the-nightmare.1521248 https://theredarchive.com/post/1521248

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