Ex is back. Ladies, help!

millennialpink2000 · 2021-05-19T14:32:58+00:00

Block and delete. He's manipulative and laughing behind your back. Don't give him the satisfaction

Lemon_bars_addiction · 2021-05-19T14:33:25+00:00

[deleted]

Ok_Meringue9724 · 2021-05-19T14:34:35+00:00

Detach yourself from him immediately. Block and delete his number/social media or whatever medium he is using to contact you. Remember all the disrespect, the hurt, the shame, the regret he put you through when you found out he cheated on you.

Just know that if you accept him back in your life, it will most likely be the same story. He would end up cheating again, or being distant. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Just think about this, if he really valued you as a woman in his life that he would love and take care of, why would he cheat on you? The fact that he's back in your life in the span of a few months just signals to me that he got bored and feels lonely and wants a warm body to lie next to him in bed, you're nothing but a bootycall to him. He might already know you haven't moved on yet, which isn't your fault and I don't want you to feel that I'm insulting you. If you feel mean to just block him, remember that he deserves no closure after hurting you and he most likely wouldn't care even if you gave him one. Protect your dignity and move on ❤️

LynneStone · 2021-05-19T15:20:10+00:00

As someone who has been the other woman in this scenario, if you’re questioning who to believe it’s 100% the other woman.

He is a KNOWN LIAR. Why would you think he’s lying to you and telling the other woman the truth?

The most likely scenario is that HE IS STILL LYING TO BOTH OF YOU.

He doesn’t want to know whether you two will be a couple. He wants to know if you’ll still date him despite his other girlfriend.

Interesting-Bat3992 · 2021-05-19T15:04:32+00:00

... this sounds so familiar 🤔 Oh yeah I remember, a cheating scrote manipulating, triangulating and gaslighting. You know what else sounds familiar? The woman who takes back such a scrote being cheated on yet again 🙄 and wondering what went wrong.

Block and delete, and get an adorable pet that will love you without this BS 🥰

Lemon_bars_addiction · 2021-05-19T14:30:53+00:00

He doesn’t love or respect you AT ALL!!!

Dump him and walk away, you keep granting him permission to treat you like crap.

He has cheated and keeps cheating and went no contact with you and you just accepted and now that he’s bored and crawling back you’re considering taking him back? I’m sorry but I want to shake some sense back into you 😫

True-Audience-8258 · 2021-05-19T14:31:53+00:00

Stay strong!! You deserve so much better than a liar and a cheater. The painful part of this situation is that it seems like he is trying to preserve “plausible” (putting that in quotes bc you know what’s up) deniability and play on your feelings. This is your chance to leave this pain in the past forever, and live in your own self designed peace.

GlitteringContact8 · 2021-05-19T15:03:45+00:00

Hun its very hard. You will still love and hate him for a long time but it’s time to pull the plug for good. He has crossed the point of no return, time you reciprocate. Don’t look back

_differentmentality_ · 2021-05-19T15:04:49+00:00

You are the backup at this point, the easy comfortable option. He doesn’t take your relationship (or you for that matter) seriously. He’s leaving the decision to you because he hopes you’ll be dumb enough to take him back after continuously disrespecting you. The woman he cheated on you with is telling the truth. She has no reason to lie to you, but he does. All you’ll gain by taking him back is a relationship with a man who’s laughing behind your back because he got away with everything he did. You are better than this, cut this parasite off of your life entirely.

GabbaG0ul · 2021-05-19T15:09:16+00:00

Block. Mute. Delete.

candyfox84 · 2021-05-19T15:48:02+00:00

A lot of people will tell you delete and block, but I know that is easier said than done. You wouldn't be asking if you had the strength to do that right now. Your honesty with yourself and others is a huge step! Be proud of how strong you already are.

I would enlist the help of a therapist and give yourself 3-6 months to talk through these feelings with her. 10 years is a long time and you can't just flip a switch when it comes to your feelings, and even more so, your subconscious reasoning. A therapist can help with that.

One thing I would highlight is you don't owe him an answer. Making a decision after a betrayal isn't an overnight thing. Seriously, he can wait. Put yourself first right now. You can't lose him - that would only mean you never had him in the first place. If so, good riddens! It's called a denouement, don't fight it! You can't fight life, it will play itself out.

It sounds like you are already living in different places, so at best this is an emotional bond. He's not giving you day to day support like housing, lifting boxes, pitching in with groceries and fixing things. You are already living and functioning independently.

Surround yourself with positive influences, hobbies, and work. The rest will fall into place. Hugs.

companyofwolves · 2021-05-19T14:33:51+00:00

So you need help kicking a man to the curb who repeatedly lies to you, cheats on you, and then crawls back because he likes triangulating you against another gf that he will NEVER GIVE UP?

Sis this man is a cheater through and through. He will never change. He will never stop. Is that acceptable to you in a relationship?

Why do you say you "can't" shake off your feelings for him? Yes you can. You're not some sad little helpless damsel to whom life happens and everything is soooooo out of your control. Stop. You're trauma-bonded. There is nothing to save here unless you absolutely love playing relationship police and possible STI's from his wandering dick.

night_glitter · 2021-05-19T15:04:01+00:00

Ok, you’ve already gotten the obvious answer: if you can’t ignore the texts, you need to block. But as someone who experienced infidelity, let me give you more specific advice. One thing I learned from reading multiple books about infidelity is that if a cheater doesn’t address whatever flaws allowed them to justify the cheating, in therapy, then the cycle will eventually repeat itself. So think of how awful you felt when you found out he was cheating again. This is what’s waiting for you, and the more attached you get, the worse it will hurt. You said you’ve been split for a few months, so there’s not really any possible way that he could’ve addressed this in therapy in such a short amount of time. Infidelity books generally say that recovery in a relationship from infidelity can take 2-5 years.

And I’m gonna be a big ol’ generalizing bitch here and guess that he’s not even in therapy for his infidelity problem. If he’s not, then you’re kidding yourself if you think he’ll ever stop cheating. You deserve better than that. And to generalize again, I saw your pics that you’ve posted on here. You’re a knockout. Don’t think your choices are limited to this guy.

Hitflyover · 2021-05-19T15:44:31+00:00

This may sound controversial; I wonder what others may think: but have you considered momentarily attaching to someone else in order to break free? Maybe there is someone who wants to give you attention that you have brushed off? Or maybe there is a large purchase you have been putting off that you might indulge or borrow the money for? The reason you want to go back is likely low self esteem. I think you need an alternative dopamine hit.

Other ideas: Consider dressing up hot and getting some attention on OLD or a bar, but don't take anything far, just flirt. Get a tattoo or piercing? Ask someone to sleep over your house for a week? Try shrooms once if you haven't? Break your routine somehow.

I know some of these are controversial, I just think they may divert drifting into another vortex of self hate.

ETA: New attachment isn't a good solution, it's just what comes to my mind when I think about how leavig a relationship can be similar to tapering off a drug. 10 years is a long time, you might need a bridge. Reread the FDS handbook.

idiosyncraticg1 · 2021-05-19T15:55:27+00:00

You don’t mutually “decide” that you’re going NC. You go NC by blocking him everywhere. Clearly he wasn’t blocked everywhere since he messaged you.

I’ve been there. Trust me. It’s not easy. Block him, delete all messages, and hide your phone so that you won’t message him. Either cry it out or go for a walk/work out, whichever would be best. And don’t look back.

Message me if you want to talk. I’ve been in a similar trauma-bonded relationship which ultimately led me to find FDS in 2019. I haven’t spoken to him since then as he’s blocked everywhere.

dodobo18 · 2021-05-19T14:35:17+00:00

Do you want to be cheated on and manipulated for the rest of your life? Think about what the future will look like in this triangle

radsera99 · 2021-05-19T14:37:00+00:00

I cannot stress this enough : block him. Do not let him have any contact with you. If he does, he will try to weasel his way back into your life. Men are master manipulators and liars. He will wrong you again. No matter what promises he makes or if he says he’ll change. He will cheat again and probably do worse to you. Don’t waste your time with him. I know it’s so hard but if you want to protect yourself you need to cut him off completely.

hopeful_flounder93 · 2021-05-19T14:54:59+00:00

I'd like to prop up everything these other ladies have said; you're getting some excellent advice here OP.

I'd also like to add this: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/sliding-vs-deciding/201710/is-partner-who-has-cheated-likely-cheat-again

You're welcome to find the original study from the article, but essentially, if a man cheats in one relationship EVER, he is 350% more likely to cheat again (this includes future partners, I believe). I suspect it's even more grim if we're talking about a man's likelihood of cheating on the same partner twice.

I hope this helps, in case you needed scientific evidence this moron's a lost cause. Leave him & give yourself the chance to find someone better.

I was cheated on too. They don't change. He cheated on every girl before me, and tried to "get back in touch" so he could cheat on the girl after me.

Be smarter, please.

bisanti · 2021-05-19T15:43:35+00:00

You need to love yourself more than you love validation from a cheating disrespectful man. It's extremely clear he has a lot of contempt and hatred for you to be able to disrespect you so severely. That alone is scary. And on top of that he thinks you're stupid enough to stay and not believe you can do better than a cheater. Don't just sit there and swallow his disrespect, do something. Get ANGRY.

GabbaG0ul · 2021-05-19T15:13:46+00:00

Not only does he not care or value you, but he doesn’t value women. You can’t fix that, he won’t change. Women are just objects to him to use and discard to satisfy his wants and needs. The other woman is not lying to you and there are likely side chicks in addition to you two. Have self respect. No long text messages. No meeting up to discuss. These dudes love it when women get emotional. It validates them. Just ghost.

Zeniite · 2021-05-19T14:56:39+00:00

The feelings you have for him might linger a bit, but they WILL fade. His behavior, as you know, will NOT change. You’ve known him 10 full years and the fact that another woman is/has been involved (whether you’re unsure to believe her or him doesn’t matter) is in itself an indication that he will do it again. It sucks to hear it, but men like this never change. They just get better at not being caught. Ask yourself if you want to be in this relationship where you’ll always be wondering, “Is he cheating and just hiding it again really well?”

azula8 · 2021-05-19T18:18:34+00:00

Sunken cost fallacy. You need to heal queen. You deserve peace in your heart.

LonelyWineAunt · 2021-05-19T14:53:11+00:00

Cut him off. Block and delete him on your phone and on every social media platform.

Avoiding him and time will rid you of your feelings for him. It will come gradually and eventually you’ll find yourself feeling nothing but hints of nostalgia—if that—when you think of him.

You won’t gain anything by having any discussions with him. Closure is a myth. It doesn’t happen. Your question of “why did he do this to me?” “Why did this happen” will never be answered to your satisfaction.

Know there is nothing wrong with you. He took you for granted, he cheated, he lied, he deceived you and another woman. Never forget that. He doesn’t deserve another chance and he’d respect you less even if you gave him another chance.

He’s only back in your life because he’s scared of being alone. He didn’t find his dream girl during the time you’ve been apart so he’s come back to you to “settle” expecting you’ll be there waiting for him like a loyal puppy.

If he wanted to married you, he would have asked you a long time ago. If he believed you were the one he wouldn’t have cheated on you.

Have faith in yourself. Keep working on levelling-up and remind yourself daily that you deserve more than what he can give you.

He will always have one foot out the door. Stay strong.

EclecticBarbarella · 2021-05-19T16:01:15+00:00

If you block and delete, then you decide what is going on and you can go back to being ok with it leading to the end of the relationship. He has controlled this entire scenario, and as the cheating asshole that is not what he should get to do. He does not get to decide when you go NC and when you start talking.

My advice, get MAD. Seriously, write out a list of every single thing he’s ever done, with CHEATED FOR THE LAST 6 YEARS in like bright red all caps at the top. You can’t shake off feelings because you are still involved, and he is doing everything in his power to keep you from shaking them. If this was your best friend, what would you tell her to do? If this was your daughter, would you tell her to stay with someone who uses her? You need to look out for yourself like you are someone you care about, this asswipe only has his dicks best interests at heart. He put you at risk for STDs. He wasted ten years of your life. You deserve better than that but only you can give yourself that.

pathalienation · 2021-05-19T16:27:44+00:00

The healing is in the pain. My therapist said that to me over and over again.

I hear your pain and your desire to heal. If you can get through the pain of remaining no contact, you will find healing. If you can get through the pain of existing without him, you will find healing. If you can get through the pain of your fear of not being picked by him, you will find healing. Heal, Sister, heal.

AcademicMobile1 · 2021-05-19T17:26:20+00:00

To add to the other excellent advice...

You two have been NC for a few months?

What exactly do you think he spent that time doing? Believe me, it sure wasn't self reflection, celibacy or therapy.

You don't owe him a conversation or an explanation. He either won't listen or will use it to abuse and manipulate other women.

You want closure, but he will NEVER give it to you. Only you can bring yourself closure.

Every time you speak to this cheating scrote, you are re-traumatizing yourself and digging yourself deeper into the Pit that is Scrote Abuse. Block and delete him. Get a new phone number and find a therapist.

Write a list of ways he wronged you. Keep that list near. When you feel weak, read the list. Add to it as you remember more abominable crap he did.

Nothing this scrote has to say or do will help you heal and move on.

missgelassenheit · 2021-05-19T17:13:08+00:00

Trauma bonds are hard to break, we are here for you and I know that you can do it. Your future is brighter without a soul sucker in it

MACMUA · 2021-05-19T17:25:36+00:00

He isn’t worth you typing this post

Block and delete. Keep it moving ladies nothing to see..

UnstrirringCoffee · 2021-05-19T18:01:43+00:00

You probably built up an idealized version of him in your head to deal with the betrayals. That's who you are in love with, not the person he really is. It's fine to feel the way you feel. You have some healing to do. However, that won't happen if he is still in your life.

Block & Delete.

Lazy-Design1979 · 2021-05-19T18:09:50+00:00

Try to go back to the day you found out he was cheating on you in your mind. Remember how you felt when you found out. Remember the hurt, the feelings of betrayal, the anger...all of it. And then block him on everything and delete him.

haunted_vcr · 2021-05-19T18:47:52+00:00

Block and delete. This guy doesn't respect you or the other woman. He has zero interest in being a boyfriend, he just wants narcissistic supply.

Gouda8995 · 2021-05-19T19:09:26+00:00

How would you feel if you knew about this other woman, on or just before your first date with him? How repulsed would old-you feel?

I bet you wouldn't feel hurt or questioning yourself just wtf lmao blocked groddy scrotey go away

Title	Ex is back. Ladies, help!
Author	laurencetrishburn
Upvotes	44
Comments	50
Date	May 19, 2021 2:26 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/ng7aj1/ex_is_back_ladies_help/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/ex-is-back-ladies-help.754260 https://theredarchive.com/post/754260

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