Help me out of this spiral

arnezuara · 2021-11-28T04:40:31+00:00

First and foremost, you need to help yourself calm down. If you have some chamomile tea, brew and drink it. Get some warm blankets. Put something as a background noise — the sound of rain, for example.

Then, once you feel ready, take the letter and, for each ‘good’ memory he mentioned, write a bad one above. He was abusive, manipulative, and downright awful to you — no ‘good’ memory can heal the damage he consciously chose to inflict on you.

Make sure you take the envelope with the sender’s address to your local mail facility and ask them to blacklist it. Hopefully you will never hear from him again.

SweetRazzleDazzle · 2021-11-28T04:46:45+00:00

One of my exes did that too and I never responded to it or even acknowledged receipt of it. That hurts their ego more than anything.

I understand your pain because I was in the same position once. Tbh he probably wrote it to make himself feel better about all the shit he did to you. Please stay strong, you will get through this and cringe at the letter one day.

MissouriBlue · 2021-11-28T05:02:19+00:00

I have written a “Sobriety List”… a bulleted list of every abuse and use I can remember.

Any time I am feeling “weak”, I go read that list to remind myself of the cruel things he did to me.

One example:

My Ex sat there while I cried and told him that his silent treatment and refusal to make eye contact or touch me (even hold my hand!) was killing me. I’m in a state where I know NOBODY, I am working am completely isolated work shift where I cannot socialize at all, and I’m gone 11 hours a day to afford this place, and the home is so remote I don’t have neighbors to even wave to on my way to work… and he coldly replied that none of that was his problem. (Gaslighting, Isolation, Silent Treatment)

Start that List!

lansburysoda · 2021-11-28T05:20:36+00:00

Narcissists thrive on your reactions. It’s called “narcissistic supply”— don’t give him that satisfaction. He knows he’s a manipulative piece of shit and he knows (or guesses) the effect his letter will have on you. He’s using your kindness and empathy as weapons against you.

He cheated on you. That doesn’t happen accidentally. It takes thousands of micro-decisions CHOSEN over time. He CHOSE to treat you like shit and now he has the SCROTACITY to expect you to come back to him crying and sucking his dick. Inside he’s feeling quite proud of himself right now.

These are the absolute worst kind of men but you must stay away or you’ll be on an emotional roller coaster for the rest of your life. Your self-esteem will be non-existent and you’ll shatter yourself into pieces walking on eggshells to make a disgusting person happy. Is that what you want for yourself? Because I don’t even know you but I know you deserve so much more

herbivorouscarnivore · 2021-11-28T05:53:31+00:00

Let’s look at it from another perspective: he disregarded your perfectly reasonable boundaries - being blocked on social media - and sent you a letter, not for your sake, but because of his needs. HE needed to tell you. HE needed to get under your skin. HE wants to communicate. Any pretty words he wrote are instantly negates by the fact that he doesn’t care about what you need. This is all about him.

Sis, burn that letter, then pretend it never existed. You are leveling up and heading towards awesome things! Don’t let his selfishness oppress you any longer.

Equal-Ear2312 · 2021-11-28T07:07:43+00:00

what your ex did is called hoovering. he has this effect on you because you had very good reason to block him on SM.

you are crying because with that letter, he broke one of your boundaries. even this hoover is an abuse to the limits you set post-breakup.

usually, narcissistic types do this. they make themselves present or known and come to ruin your day. some do it on birthdays, some do it on anniversaries, some do it on major holidays and some, like your ex, do it when it suits them because they're jealous you're healing and doing good. the message is the same: "I can still manage to upset you". and he did.

remember those posts about exes who always come back? but the timing is all fucked up? they come back to hoover not when you are crying your eyes out because of them but when you are finally starting to forget about them and having a good life. why? they want to ruin that for you and destroy your progress in healing because they are jealous of your good life.

they think of other people as appliances, as things. they do not care if you were healing and progressing. if they can, they want to ruin that.

this should only function as another example of what a lowly human being he is.

do not give him an answer but if the letter has an address, talk to the post office to stop sending these to you. keep the letter as evidence. if it's a letter he slid under your door, it's even worse. get a camera in front of your doorbell. if he continues doing this, it's harassment. get the police on him.

sleutherino · 2021-11-28T05:14:12+00:00

Don't dive into the good memories, that's what he wants. He wants you to remember his good side, not the reality of the relationship. He wants to unsettle you, and to shake up your head.

Don't even let him know you read it. Do whatever with it, and then destroy it, don't hold onto it. I like what somebody else said about writing out all the bad memories too. That list will be longer I'm sure.

perkypancakes · 2021-11-28T04:35:40+00:00

Burn it.

GabbaG0ul · 2021-11-28T06:47:41+00:00

You didn’t even give us personal details and I already know this was a cycle-of-abuse relationship! Only a narcissist or sociopath would write a letter about “tHe gOod tImEs” 10 years later. Sis, be mindful. Meditate. Realize and accept how he was/is trying to manipulate you. Keep said letter as evidence incase you need legal help. 😬

extragouda · 2021-11-28T07:00:16+00:00

He sounds manipulative.

If you blocked him, that's a clear indication that you want no contact. If he tries to contact you after this, he does not respect your boundaries.

Write a list of reasons why you don't want to be with him. Those are the things you need to hold on to at this stage.

souredskittles · 2021-11-28T05:50:05+00:00

Omg what a scumbag. First of all, everything he wrote is such a dramatization of his feelings for you. All it is is him begging you to get back in his rotation, don’t fall for it. Next time, don’t even open the letter just toss it

overthinker4444 · 2021-11-28T07:19:59+00:00

Don't respond. He thinks he can have access to you. An ego boost. It is an ex for a reason. Remember the reasons why you left him. It gets better on the end. Don't worry❤️

Constant-Wanderer · 2021-11-28T12:11:56+00:00

The letter is pure manipulation, it’s not an actual expression of true sentiment.

That alone should be enough motivation to not be moved by it; the entire intent is to make you feel something that you wouldn’t feel without manipulation.

If you think that he’s not trying to manipulate you, and that he genuinely has fond memories of your relationship, the one that made you miserable, then he’s delusional or enjoys your misery.

Same result; the letter is a Trojan horse, don’t accept it as something you need to respond to, not to him, and not even to yourself.

You aren’t obligated to process the emotions it brings up. You’re allowed to discard it or file it away, and not have a second thought about it.

Ok-Appearance5982 · 2021-11-28T11:44:40+00:00

It’s that time of the year when ex’s come out of the woodwork. You chose a better life for yourself by leaving him. Cry and then throwaway the letter.

JadeBaby2211 · 2021-11-28T13:27:06+00:00

After my last relationship ended, I went even deeper into my trauma recovery. I have cptsd from a crappy childhood, so it's an ongoing thing. A lot of my grief from my relationship comes from me not having access to a source of love, even if it was crappy at times. My family isn't loving and it's been hard to make good friends because of it, and despite my efforts to stay single I kind of go on autopilot sometimes when someone love bombs me (it's a trauma response).

Its honestly a really difficult grief to experience, letting go of this source of "love," because I also got hurt in the process, and I try to make sure I'm safe and well, so it also feels like self betrayal.

I'd encourage you to feel and explore this grief, journal, talk it out in therapy, just give yourself time to understand WHY you're feeling this way. It becomes a lot easier to outsmart the trauma response of going back, when you understand and accept the grief you feel. You're then able to hold space for your pain, instead of going back to try and stop the pain.

AmeliaEmiliaEmma · 2021-11-28T11:42:41+00:00

Don’t let him confuse you. The reason many women stay in bad/abusive relationships is because they are holding on to GOOD times and ignore the BAD ones. That’s what he is trying to do here, manipulate you to focus on good moments only. You don’t need that crap!

I will use this to give shoutout to book Educated I read. It was a true story, written by a woman who grew up in an insane, abusive family. It shows the struggle she had to walk away when she constantly was going back to “good times” they had. Amazing read.

katiekat0214 · 2021-11-28T14:10:04+00:00

He's an ex not just for one reason but for many. Any good, HVM would not leave you a sobbing, shaking mess! You blocked him for many reasons on social media. You were doing good for months AFTER YOU LEFT HIM for many reasons, such as lying, cheating, and gaslighting. What percentage was actually good vs what percentage was so bad that you left, blocked him, and now you're crying?

kansascitydream · 2021-11-28T15:00:30+00:00

I strongly believe that lying, cheating and gaslighting all are classified as emotional/psychological abuse. I have been in your position. The best thing you can do is call an emergency line for domestic violence. Tell them your story. They will validate you. Tell them about how he is trying to Hoover you back. They will help. When I have been in bad places, those hotlines have been my saving grace. They are a third party, and they will tell you. Your ex is a cheating emotional abuser. You deserve better. Do not fall for his tricks.

GlitteryMoss · 2021-11-28T09:40:54+00:00

It is all bullshit.

Burn that letter. And next time an evelope comes from him don't open it, just burn it.

Repulsive-Ad1092 · 2021-11-28T11:49:45+00:00

He is a scrote and he doesn’t deserve your beautiful energy. You will feel better son. You are loved🥰🥰🥰

Wchijafm · 2021-11-28T15:45:21+00:00

"If you ignore the blinding pain and severe health complications the knife sticking out of you is kind of pretty."- this guy's letter.

Seriously. He cheated and fucked with you head. What you need to do is write a letter about all the horrible things he did. Put the two letters together and burn them. Don't invite that craptastic circus back into your life.

ABQ_COgirl · 2021-11-28T16:02:44+00:00

Write a list of all the bad memories and look at it when you’re feeling nostalgic about him.

ladylabrys · 2021-11-28T22:16:32+00:00

All abusive relationships have good times mixed in. After all, you wouldn't have been with him if it was always bad! But the good times come with a price that isn't worth it! You deserve to be treated well with no bad trade offs.

He is trying to manipulate you. This is because he has everything to gain by coercing you back. You, however, have everything to lose if you go back to him. Now that you escaped, don't re-enter his web!!

You can do this, you're going to be okay!!

thinksimasparetire · 2021-11-28T22:35:39+00:00

Remember that despite there being good times, he did a lot to destroy your trust. In the long term all this will lead to is contempt and resentment. A lot of people would disagree with me but you don’t need a reason to leave. Since you have quite a few you’ve got more than enough reason to leave. You don’t owe him anything. Considering this was sent to you months after you left, I would think you weren’t his first priority, regardless of how he was trying to play it off.

Honestly, he had his chance and messed up big time. You’re better off crying by yourself than in his arms at any capacity. Don’t go back to that. You’re just gonna get sucked in and spit out again.

thatshadywitch · 2021-11-29T11:03:33+00:00

Hey OP, I've had the same experience! My ex sent me a handwritten letter a few months ago. If you analyse the letter closely, I can bet everything I have that you'll find all the red flags which led to the end of the relationship. For instance, my ex basically vomited on paper all his narcissism, since he only talked about himself and how miserable he is (he's the one who dumped me!!). He even had the nerve to say that he feels stupid for not realising earlier how beautiful our relationship was (translation: he admitted he was a dead weight who didn't cherish me, aka the reason I will never go back with him). It's okay to feel sad about the past, but please remember this: he's written that letter to get access to you and lure you back into being his mommy bangmaid, cause he's lonely and no one wants to deal with his bullshit! If you need some comfort feel free to message me. Stay strong 💜

FlappyMcBeakbag · 2021-11-28T22:20:12+00:00

Their “memories” are often twisted reworking of reality to gaslight you into believing their version of the truth. When I had an ex do this to me, I had to work hard to maintain my version of events. His joyous occasion was my hurt, embarrassment, and pain. Don’t give this guy any attention. That’s what they want from you because attention is a type of control.

BananaSlugGhost · 2021-11-28T23:59:21+00:00

He wrote you a letter after you made it clear you wanted no contact by blocking him on social media? Doesn’t that strike you as someone who STILL does not respect you?

SupremeDearLeader · 2021-11-29T14:41:31+00:00

It's called love bombing , resist and overcome , cheaters belong in the dumpster.

Optimal_Grapefruit_5 · 2021-11-29T18:34:33+00:00

All that letter proves is how much he's convinced he's never going to find anyone like you, that's why he keeps focusing on the good times you two supposedly had.

Don't see what he's doing as a power move, because it's not. If he had the power, you'd be the one writing him a letter.

You didn't even need to abuse him to live rent-free in his mind, he's the one who needed to go down that road because without it he'd be utterly forgettable. Whenever a guy sends you something reminding you of the "good times', it's because he knows just how replaceable he is. Guys like him shouldn't get to be called men.

samedinuitmort · 2021-11-28T08:20:44+00:00

Hey OP, if you’re still struggling to heal from this relationship’s abuse and betrayal, you could try Betrayal Trauma Recovery (btr.org) - it’s kind of like group therapy for women healing from betrayal (though the women who run the groups call themselves “coach”, most likely so they can run it internationally without regulatory issues. Their qualifications are on the site). For like 150 dollars you have a month of access, and there are group meetings at least 4 times a day, so you have this support every day including weekends. A month of it could be super helpful. Their website also has a lot of free stuff like excellent articles about abuse, narcissism, betrayal, trauma, healing, etc. It’s an awesome resource. And there’s a podcast too.

Edit: I’m confused about the downvotes, as I’m in no way affiliated with the website (you can see in my post history I’ve never once mentioned it before, but I have made many contributions to FDS) and this is a straight-up genuine suggestion (as FDS is about dating strategy, not necessarily a full-time support group for the heartbroken) 🤨 And to add, I did mention a lot of free content and resources available on the website, so she in no way needs to spend a cent to benefit from it. Moreover, that site is in line with FDS - they’re 100% anti porn, for example.

Aik2 · 2021-11-28T19:30:50+00:00

HE'S MANIPULATING AND LYING TO YOU. SHRED THE LETTER and do something nice for yourself. :)

extraodi · 2021-11-28T04:41:12+00:00

Seriously? So all it took was a letter to get back into your good graces? Come on. Really? He’s blocked for a reason, and you know why.

JulyParade · 2021-11-28T04:36:10+00:00

Write him a letter back detailing all the lying, cheating, and gaslighting. Are you saying you were his girlfriend for 10 years? Start the letter with "If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it."

Novemberinthechair · 2021-12-05T14:55:11+00:00

Okay. Your ex is a demented fuck. What the hell does he think he's doing? He's making you cry. He's not even in your physical presence and he's making you fucking cry. What the hell was he like when you were actually dating? He sounds like a mindfucker to me.

Drink a glass of champagne later. You're the winner. You're rid of him.

Title	Help me out of this spiral
Author	laurencetrishburn
Upvotes	496
Comments	65
Date	November 28, 2021 4:31 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/r3vu6c/help_me_out_of_this_spiral/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/help-me-out-of-this-spiral.1086157 https://theredarchive.com/post/1086157

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