How do you learn how to control/manage your emotions?

2340000 · 2021-04-22T16:56:57+00:00

You'll always be emotionally vulnerable during the beginning phases of healing.

First step is giving yourself permission to be an anxious mess. You were blind to your relationship and that's betrayal. Only toxic and abusive relationships make women anxious.

Second is separating yourself from him. If you can afford it, check into an AirBnb, stay with a family member, go for a long drive. You can't recover in this relationship. So the third step is being able to leave him.

Space_Gators · 2021-04-22T22:48:54+00:00

You aren’t alone, I promise. I’m having a similarly strong reaction and have been here less than two weeks. I haven’t just had the wool removed from my eyes - my eyelids have been surgically removed and I can’t help but see how much I’ve been willfully blind to. The sub has taken away denial and repression as coping mechanisms. I know that this is beyond good for me and I love the new direction I’m headed in life, but I’ve been hurting a ton. I’ve got years of advanced, deep therapy under my belt and did a partial hospitalization program last year where I did a ton of DBT and CBT and learned how to cope with the uncopeable.

DBT has a whole subsection of Distress Tolerance Skills that are invaluable. Try to read a few handouts each day (not all at once) and practice them. I swear they work.

https://mydoctor.kaiserpermanente.org/ncal/Images/Distress%20Tolerance%20DBT%20Skills_ADA_04232020_tcm75-1598996.pdf here’s an excerpt from the same materials we used in the program. They are extremely helpful with both immediate, right now emotional pain as well as long term chronic ache type pains. I never want to hold ice or dunk my head in water when I’m mad, but it works every single time. When I’m extremely anxious I do box breathing - breathe in 4 counts, hold 4, out 4, hold 4, repeat. Visualize sniffing a flower (4), appreciating the smell (4), blowing out a candle (4), watching the smoke rise (4). The visualization will help you breathe correctly.

A breathing exercise I like even more is doubling my counts. In 4, hold, out 8, hold, in 3, hold, out 6, hold, in 6, hold, out 12, hold - you get the picture. I’ve been practicing this method for years and it saves my butt every time I go to the dentist. I’m always told I’m an especially good patient - what they don’t know is I’m freaking out internally and inducing a trance state on purpose. I’m so focused on my counting that I can’t pay attention to my fear. It’s immersive and the more you do it, the more effective it is.

I like to remember that in times of transition, we become lobsters. A lobster is one of the only animals that can essentially live forever and they never stop growing. They do this by shedding their entire tough outer shell and then allowing a new, bigger shell to harden. A lobster knows when it needs to shed its shell when it begins to feel discomfort. That’s where you and I have been recently. It gets worse and worse, triggering an automatic behavior from the lobster to find a hiding spot under a good rock. The pain gets worse and worse until their shell splits and they break out all at once - this has just happened to us. Now their whole body is soft - back, claws, everything - hence why they had to find a hiding spot to shed in. They then patiently wait in their safe little spot for the new shell to harden naturally. They can’t rush it, and they are extremely vulnerable while it’s happening. They have no choice, however, so they settle in. That’s where you and I are right now. We are vulnerable lobsters hiding under rocks. We have to be patient, and allow our new shell to harden. While here, we can rest and focus on taking care of ourselves. We can enjoy the feelings we usually can’t feel - the softness of the sand, the gentle current swirling around us. It’s not so terrible being soft. Lobsters and crabs can even regrow missing limbs in this stage.

Eventually, enough time has passed, and we emerge back out onto the ocean floor. We have shiny, beautiful new shells. The leg we lost has grown back fully, good as new. Our claws are even bigger and sharper than they used to be.

I think you catch the drift of my metaphor, lobster friend. Growth is super painful and there’s no way around it. The best thing to do is find a place where we are safe where we can feel our feelings. Allow the waves of grief to wash over you. Let yourself cry. Write the worst feelings in a journal. Take extra good care of yourself - even just a face mask or shower. Do NOT think about the future - you’re just supposed to be squishy and feeling right now. The future is a source of stress. Live in the NOW, each second. Don’t get pulled into the past - that will also distress you. The future and past don’t exist. You cannot change the past anymore than a river can reverse its course midstream. Be in the NOW. Don’t make plans until you wake up each morning.

I promise this pain will pass for us both. We have different pains, but we aren’t alone in them.

I also recently listened to Meditations on Living, Dying, and Loss by His Holiness The Dalai Lama and Graham Coleman. It’s my favorite translation of the Tibetan Book of the Dead. I’m a Tibetan Buddhist which is a way of living, not a religion. I’m not converting anyone - any denomination or lack thereof can benefit from this book. The trick is remembering it’s a book for the LIVING and it is metaphorical guidance on how to survive a painful period of transition in life. It is my dearest companion when I am grieving and keeps me from losing myself in my feelings.

I wish you the best, Lobster Sister. You aren’t alone. This will pass. You know it will. You’ve survived far worse than this. Focus on NOW and breathe. You’ve got this.

thinktwiceorelse · 2021-04-22T20:59:31+00:00

I had the same problem. And honestly, the less I talk the better. I often found myself in the middle of another speech of mine, expressing my fears, emotions, thoughts...for free. I tried my best and even though I did, others never reacted the way I was expecting. I wanted them to try to understand me more, to ask me more questions. I opened up, and I hoped them understanding me will be my reward for that, because opening up can be very scary. Well, what they usually did was arguing with me, telling me why I shouldn't feel what I feel, or they were quiet, or even gaslighted me which often resulted in a heated argument.

Now, when I notice that I can't control my emotions, that I wanna cry, or yell at them, I treat it as a sign that something wrong is happening. Maybe my boundaries were overstepped...or I have a gut feeling that they don't wanna understand. So I remove myself from the situation. I wait. They usually act like nothing happened, which I take as a red flag. Then I act accordingly. They have to earn my trust again. But I'm ruthless lately, so if I feel that I can't express myself freely, and if they ignore me, I cut ties quickly.

c_a_t_lady · 2021-04-22T16:41:27+00:00

I recommend you google different tips on how to control your emotions. 😄

One that I would give is to recognise, name and understand your emotions.

By this I mean, that when you start to spiral out of control or when you're experiencing strong emotions, at first try to identify that emotion and what it is. Anger? Sadness? Embarrassment?

After that try to really understand the emotion. What might have caused that emotion right now, at this moment?

Was it perhaps something you heard or saw? Why did that cause you to feel this way?

You can try to ask yourself questions. ⬆ Begin to break it down.

But even more importantly, accept the emotion! 😊 Don't deny it, don't label it as "bad". Accept the emotion. I don't say you need to cherish it, but to acknowledge its existence.

Let yourself feel that way, don't suppress it. The feeling exists for a reason, and managing it is the important part.

Accepting and actually understanding an emotion can help you to control it.

Sorry if this was poorly worded, best of luck! 💕

Emergency_Leopard_14 · 2021-04-22T16:47:19+00:00

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Emergency_Leopard_14 · 2021-04-22T21:15:20+00:00

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QueenAlice3 · 2021-04-22T16:57:12+00:00

I’ve been a long term yoga and meditation teacher and I’ll just say the most you can do is waylay them for a bit. Dissociate. Distract yourself with other focuses, maybe fake sick for a while so you can lay in bed on your own. But “getting rid” of emotions is so unhealthy to do and it can make you sick.

I think the better plan might be to go stay with a family member or friend you trust. Or fake a reason to leave for a bit and maybe book an Airbnb for the week and just grieve.

Obviously the other option is the sooner you tell him the sooner you can stop hiding your emotions, but I would only do that if you feel you would be 100% safe in doing so.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I have been there too. It feels like dying and or something just as painful. I hope you find a safe place to work through your emotions so you can move forward. We’re here for you!

sleutherino · 2021-04-23T00:26:35+00:00

Bruh are you me? This literally sounds like me. I'm in a 4 year relationship too, and I was doing great before it started. Ever since then, it seems like I've become more anxious, depressed, lower self confidence, weight gain, and a harder time holding onto jobs. It just seems a little too convenient that it all started when I started dating him.

I know I need therapy too, but I can't help but feel like breaking up with him would have a similar effect. I guess my only "support" here is that I'm in the same boat, and always available to listen to/bounce rants.

In the mean time, I'm about to read through every comment n this thread because I'm right there with you, I need a fucking push.

Mella_20 · 2021-04-22T17:12:35+00:00

There's this book I'm reading on kindle called "Master Your Emotions" by Thibaut Meurisse. It comes with a workbook. So far its been helpful for me, cause I struggle in controlling my emotions as well.

Protoetype · 2021-04-22T21:43:27+00:00

The feeling of being disrespected by someone I trusted cuts me to the core. You'll miss him because you missed sharing yourself with him and feeling accepted. This is a resource he provided for you, don't get to thinking that it was HIM.

Once you have broken up you'll be free not to include him in the mental box of "things you have to worry about." You'll realize just how much stress has been cleared up not having to worry or wonder.

miphasgraceful · 2021-04-22T18:32:23+00:00

I second the therapy suggestion, but also... from the way you described your situation, it sounds like you’re neck-deep in grief, Sis. It’s so normal and something most (if not all) of us on this sub have to deal with and reckon with when we realize we’ve been settling. I’ve been where you are. Realize that you’re very much not alone in these feelings and that they are absolutely normal. Give yourself time to grieve what you thought you wanted, then get to work at making an escape plan. Knowing you deserve better is the first step. Second, and every step after, will be making moves towards the woman you want to be. And as you take these steps towards independence, your grief will ease, too. You’ve got this.

hopewings · 2021-04-22T18:50:57+00:00

Emotions are signals. Don't suppress them. Listen to your gut instincts.

Your emotions are "messed up" because HE IS MESSING YOU UP.

Believe in yourself. Remove yourself from this situation with him. Reassess your emotions.

baobab77 · 2021-04-22T19:22:56+00:00

Deborrah Cooper has a great video on mastering your emotions.

Controlling Your Emotions

princesspeach896 · 2021-04-22T17:04:39+00:00

From what you’ve written, you seem to be having a completely normal reaction to ending an unhealthy long-term relationship. I wonder if you will feel better simply by cutting contact with this person.

I would also recommend prioritizing self-care (e.g. go for a walk, eat some greens, drink more water, take a bath... anything that makes you feel good mentally and physically).

flowerpower102938 · 2021-04-22T19:41:15+00:00

Often when I'm overwhelmed, I feel something but I'm unable to understand why I think something is right or wrong. I think all of us have experienced something like this. Whether it's in an argument or we hear something and we immediately know it's wrong but can't figure out why. I've realised thay writing down my thoughts works 100%. I highly recommend you do it. You'll be amazed with how well this works.

excusemeILY · 2021-04-22T18:22:09+00:00

Therapy in a nutshell (youtube channel) has a video series about processing emotions. It’s very helpful, I recommend it !

Yogacat4 · 2021-04-22T19:42:07+00:00

Meditation is very useful in quieting the mind! I do atleast 20 mins spread throughout the day with the Peleton app ❣️

candyfox84 · 2021-04-22T17:15:48+00:00

I am so sorry. Something that really helps me is stop self-blaming. You are not responsible for another person's toxic, horrible behavior. You are actively working to improve the situation for yourself, and that's really all you can do! No one has a perfectly smooth ride in life, how else would we learn anything, grow, gain wisdom? It comes from experiences, not all of them good. Your only job is to survive, and you're doing the best you can at that. Hugs.

Crafty_Collar8183 · 2021-04-22T16:37:53+00:00

Take a deep breath
Get some distance if you're living together. Live with someone you trust and don't contact any mutual friends.
Take the time to reflect and think about your relationship, yourself and your own life. Then make the decision.

Surround yourself with love and compassion.

Only_Lime2520 · 2021-04-22T19:50:36+00:00

I feel that it would be better for you to work with your emotions, instead of "controlling" or "managing" it. I understand this is how emotions are talked about out there in society but this language is propagated by men and I found it to be not very healthy psychologically.

The more you try to "control" the more it'll backfire in the long run, and that shortcut cure you're looking for, is going to stop working every time. Right now you're feeling out of control, because you haven't worked with, or reconciled with your stronger emotions in a long time.

I'm sorry I don't mean to scare you but I was very similar to you. I was a strong girl as a teenager, then my relationship happened and it completely knocked me out. For now, I think cutting off your source of triggers can help restore your calmness, it won't make your pains go away immediately but it will give you some space to deal with the stuffs you haven't dealt with in a long time, hopefully, with the help of therapy too.

Wish you all the best!!

HappyNovel · 2021-04-22T19:59:46+00:00

DBT modules. Feel better, sister. ❤️

the-worst- · 2021-04-22T18:06:31+00:00

A few things i have learned (due to panic attacks and anxiety caused by ADHD and prevelant imposter syndrome):

Take 10 deep breaths. Slow. In through your nose, out through your mouth. All the way in and all the way out.
Identify what you are feeling and the potential cause of the feeling.
Find a healthy way to express the emotion. Write a letter about it, talk to your fiance about it, draw, make a private video, whatever you feel most comfortable with.
Keep a journal. Keep track of what you are feeling, why, and what you did to handle it. This will help you identify common triggers, possible situations to avoid/look out for, and what coping mechanisms helped and what didn't.

Of course, therapy would be best. But learning to identify and deal with triggers to intense negative emotions can be infinitely helpful and is a wonderful skill to have.

I hope this and other's tips help you. I hope you find peace and calm soon, sister.

Lost_Kale90 · 2021-04-22T18:34:33+00:00

It can be rough having intense emotions. Here are some things that have helped me:

- Take some space. I highly recommend getting away for at least three days and disconnecting from your fiance and anyone else that brings on strong emotions as much as you can so you can have a clear headspace. And notice, does having space away help? If it does, then keep taking space. If it makes things worse, then I would expedite seeing a counselor.

- Accept your emotions as they come. Write them all down, and write as much as you need. And during this time, I would figure out what is it you need. Someone to hug, to go on a run, to cry? etc. and just notice that. Focus your attention on you and how you feel. If there is any close friend or family member or therapist you trust, you can share these emotions and insights with them.

- Know you do not need to make any decisions about your fiance right now. Or next week, or next month. Focus on you. Make it easy for yourself by only making small decisions during this time.

- Find reliable support. Therapy, support group, FDS, etc. Anything that helps.

I can understand the urge to want to tell your fiance about your emotions and thoughts. If you can though, I would not. It might feel like a relief initially, as maybe you want to be understood (or something else), but I think it would be better to share with a therapist. When you are strong, you can decide if you want to share that with him. Because it might make things more confusing otherwise. If you wanted, you could tell him something high-level, e.g. you are going through something and need to process.

<3

Edit: I read your reply on why he was making you anxious. He is being dishonest and manipulative. This is probably causing your strong emotions. You need to take space away from him as soon as you can. Then make a plan for your future.

Lazy-Tax3986 · 2021-04-22T17:53:41+00:00

Can you elaborate on him making you anxious?

msromperstomper · 2021-04-23T04:32:03+00:00

Wise you knows what's up, which is why you are having these strong emotions. Some part of you already knew, now the rest of you is catching up. You have to ride the wave until it dies down and if you're at week two, you're doing good. Therapy and definitely put some space between the two of you. I understand that the urge to talk to him may be strong, but something that really helped me was - you can't go to the person who created the problem to find your way out of the problem.

janeaustenfan99 · 2021-04-22T20:28:22+00:00

Therapy

Winter-Firefly · 2021-04-23T01:39:48+00:00

I think journaling may be a good way to manage your emotions and put your feelings into the context of your relationship.

By writing everything down, you might be able to make better sense of what happened, why your bf is making you feel this way, and vent some of that energy out of you, so you don't turn that pain against yourself. I hope you get through this and find the space to heal, you're on the path to greener grass sister <3

AdmiralRando · 2021-04-23T14:33:04+00:00

Yeah, that urge to explain yourself to get “closure” can be overwhelmingly strong. But ultimately, doing so is useless. If he cared at all about your perspective, you wouldn’t be in this mess.

You can’t win this argument. There is no closure. You’re playing chess against a pigeon. Your best option is to channel that strong woman that you used to be (and still are) and just say, “I don’t accept this behavior. I’m out.”

Concernedmama16 · 2021-04-23T21:24:43+00:00

Grounding can be helpful. Pay attention and list: what you can hear, what you can see, what you can smell, what you can feel. It has helped me many times while falling into an emotional abyss.

shmarhar · 2021-04-23T23:21:46+00:00

I've always had a lot of feelings, and it's one reason I got off hormonal birth control--I didn't need extra. Now, I'm not a licensed therapist nor have I ever been to a therapist, so please take everything I say with a grain of salt. One thing I've found helpful when I'm particularly frustrated, stressed, or angry is to push the topic out of my mind or do my best not to focus on it if you feel yourself spiraling or getting too worked up, especially if it's something you have limited control over or no control over.

Instead, do something that requires extra concentration or will tire you out--going for a run, putting together Ikea furniture, trying to re-visit that musical instrument you said you'd learn, or do something creative, even if you don't think you're any good at it. Draw, paint, sing off key, make origami. Write a short story or a poem.

You could also put on a movie or show you always enjoy; I tend to go for funny ones if I'm in a negative mood. Try a new recipe. Re-organize a cupboard. It's cliché to suggest meditation, and if that works for you, great, but I have trouble getting my mind to shut up so that's why I recommend more active tasks first. Then after you've calmed down or distracted yourself sufficiently, you can try meditation or yoga.

Title	How do you learn how to control/manage your emotions?
Author	Emergency_Leopard_14
Upvotes	254
Comments	63
Date	April 22, 2021 4:05 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/mw846s/how_do_you_learn_how_to_controlmanage_your/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-do-you-learn-how-to-controlmanage-your.761815 https://theredarchive.com/post/761815

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