Bruno Mars has a new song out called “Leave the Door Open”. At first listen it sounds like a breath of fresh air, so different from the other jams blowing up the radio lately like Justin Bieber’s gaslight fest, “Forever”, and the pick-me theme song by Arianna Grande, “Positions. It feels like a classic throwback to an era where men knew their love’s worth and serenaded her accordingly. You feel like you are listening to The Temptations singing your virtues or Otis Redding telling you how strong his love is for you, but, it’s just a facade. This song is the gold garbage bag meme.

What is Bruno Mars offering his lover in this song? A last minute booty call with weed, potato chips, and a pool. He’s annoyed that she already made plans because he shaved and threw some rose petals in his bath tub for her. Don’t you know how much work that was? He’s not even going to get his ass up to answer the door if she takes him up on coming over after, what one hopes, is an actual date with a HVM. He’s just going to “leave the door open” so she can find him rolling around in weed and chip crumbs waiting for her door dash sex service. Hell no. Fuck off, Bruno Mars. We don’t want what you’re selling.