SHIT LIST 💩 a "get the fuck over him" strategy for breakups.

baobab77 · 2021-05-30T21:20:01+00:00

Love this. I'd also add that if you didn't block them, or if you did and they find a way to contact you, read the list before replying. Hopefully it stops you from responding at all.

whiskey_and_oreos · 2021-05-30T21:44:54+00:00

This works. The day I told my LVX the marriage was over, I started a list on my phone and added things he did/said/didn't do up until the divorce was final. All he did was validate my decision. That list has a scroll bar a mile long and I haven't glanced back once.

hokieltm · 2021-05-30T23:45:48+00:00

This is actually supported by a fair amount of research. This study suggests that people who think negatively about their exes are less upset about their breakups and get over them faster than people who think positively about their exes. This one finds that negative thoughts about an ex decreased the extent to which respondents feel love towards their exes, but increased negative emotions. In contrast, distraction made respondents feel happier but didn’t decrease their feelings of love towards exes. Both studies (and the ones they build on) suggest that your strategy of listing negative traits and experiences with an ex are effective ways of coping with a breakup.

JustBlondeAmbition · 2021-05-30T21:11:07+00:00

Yes! My ex and I had a very amicable split last year and he kept bread-crumbing his way back into my life. I made a shit list at the beginning of the year to look at when miss him and went full no contact like 2 weeks later! A lot of red flags I missed because I was too infatuated became disgustingly obvious.

TheSunDoesNotAsk · 2021-05-30T22:47:08+00:00

I'm using this strategy. I got PTSD from my last relationship and I still get flashbacks because I'm processing it still. I'll suddenly remember the implications of something he/said did and it will cause me great distress. Every time it happens, I've started writing it down.

It's helping me get over that trauma bond.

nom-de-plume_12 · 2021-05-31T00:40:36+00:00

Also, block him right away and (everyone related to him), delete his number so you do not text him when you are feeling the feels. After few months your brain should already be filtering him out. I'm at this point right now, 9 months post-breakup, that I feel such indifference towards him. No hate. No Anger. Absolutely zero love. I was so surprised the other day my friend sent me a ss of a guy who, according to her looked like ex and I told her In all honesty, I can not even recall ex’s face now with a clarity that I once had. That made me happy 😊

Interesting-Bat3992 · 2021-05-30T21:46:08+00:00

THIS. I have a very lengthy one (added redflags I recognised later.) And the times I slip up slightly and momentarily think about the scrote, I read the list and I get absolutely DISGUSTED and angry.

Undeleted_my_reddit · 2021-05-30T21:24:37+00:00

Yess to all of this, I went about a year of no contact and anytime I felt bad about the situation I made a list of reasons to not go back. Here's a few from my list:

-Got mad at me for implying wrestling was fake when I compared them to stunt artists (as a compliment), his response was I was supposed to be quiet and say nothing.

-Got an attitude because I beat him at bowling, he didn't want to lose to a girl. It reminded him of losing to his special needs brother.

-He wished feminist would say thank you to men for trying

-Told me I wounded his pride by not orgasming once in the few years we were together. Since being single and celibate, I have learned that I have no problems in that area.

3/4 these things happened right before the breakup, so I couldn't have gotten out fast enough.

Carpedictum · 2021-05-31T00:16:01+00:00

Yes, BUT

Use your notes app or Evernote instead of paper.

It won’t get lost, no one will stumble on it, and you can access it to add to or read over absolutely any time you need to.

Evernote has an extra passcode lock, so that’s my fave.

zorra666 · 2021-05-31T01:17:55+00:00

I kept a pro and con list on my ex on my phone.

The pro list was very, very short and the con list definitely helped ease my breakup with him.

It was also fun to share the list with his wife (who I obviously didn't know about while we were together). My list helped HER to breakup with him too!

ConstantNurse · 2021-05-31T01:18:57+00:00

WOO BOY TRIGGER WARNING!!!

Things he said

-Called me a stupid bitch in every argument, regardless of the subject. Would call me a cunt every now and then. Would compare me to his ex to insight insecurity and say how so and so "Would do this like you do or She did this to look good". Constantly made female friends at work but would get mad and say I was being jealous when I told him those relationships made me uncomfortable. Would gaslight me to the extreme after abusive episodes and tell me it didn't happen (Yo, the bruising and the fucking perma-lump on my hip say otherwise.)

Things he did

-Tried to interfere with my driving on multiple occasions, saying that I was driving poorly (I wasn't.). tried to force us to crash on several occasions because he was mad. Had a knack of starting arguments while in the car and acting out violently in the car (would punch the door or dash and dent it). If he was driving, he would start a fight over anything and once we reached our destination, he would drive off the moment I got out of the car. He would often drive erratically when he was pissed, spouting S.I. and swerving in the road. Refused to help with food or bills, even when asked and then would get pissed at me when I would tell him I didn't have money for XYZ. My ex wasn't a hitter, he was a squeezer and a thrower i.e. he tried to suffocate me by covering my nose and mouth till I passed out. He threw me down a flight of stairs, he threw me across the room (I still have a bulge on my hip from the injury from the landing), threw me into furniture. Held a knife to my neck on two separate occasions and tried to say it was a joke. Consent was optional to him and NO meant yes...or at least in his eyes, until he was finished and if I was upset with him afterwards, he would claim "I thought you were playing around or I didn't know you were being serious."

Red flags I see now

- I had many small animals at the beginning of our relationship. ALL OF THEM died under strange circumstances. At the time, I thought it was me because I had just moved out of my parents house and was just not doing enough for them. He had a habit of "not knowing his own strength" and would shoulder check me, trip me, or accidentally hurt me when either goofing around or when he was angry. Would avoid being around me when his college friends were around...and it went the same with some of his work friends. He was always the victim in his story and anything that happened with friends/family/work was always THEIR fault. Would purposefully destroy my own personal property, like ripping pages out of my books passive aggressively or putting holes into my favorite outfits he didn't like so I would have to throw them out. (He would claim that moths got the clothes.) Had an odd fascination with guns and various shootings like Columbine, the LA Riots, and the North Hollywood Shootout. He glorified the offenders and what they did/how smart they were and where they went wrong. Refused to go to therapy because of potentially losing his guns. If any guys came on to me, it was my fault because I was "being to friendly". Had a few of his guy friends proposition me and my ex accused ME of cheating on him when I told him what his creepy friends did. Also accused me of cheating because I slept weird one time after I came home from dropping off a mutual extremely gay friend at his apartment.

Things that pissed me off

-He ran off many friends that we/I had because of how much of a jerk he was and how far I was mentally that I did not stick up for the other party. Any time we got into a friend group, he would eventually destroy the group with his passive aggressiveness and overt trolling. Managed to create a rift in my family (my family can be jerks but he also did not try at all with them) and forced me into a them/him situation.

veruscka · 2021-05-30T22:48:56+00:00

I just think about how he sounded when he ate

_laufaeson · 2021-05-31T01:29:16+00:00

I did exactly this when STBXH and I decided to get a divorce. It’s made my life so much happier and easier.

LobotomybyWasps · 2021-05-31T04:13:41+00:00

I’ve done it after I’ve broken up with my last ex last year. Writing it all out felt empowering. Rereading the list actually helped me forgive myself for putting up with it all. So, I endorse this 110%.

Impossible_Mud_7599 · 2021-05-31T05:02:18+00:00

This works, can confirm! Prevented me from texting a mega-LVM until I was over it.

SpiritualPlan5 · 2021-05-30T22:49:56+00:00

Lol I did this 20 years ago when I thought I was missing “Bad breath” or “small dick” hahahhaha

Lovekitty66 · 2021-05-30T23:17:07+00:00

Thank yiu

pinkfleurhappiness · 2021-05-31T02:06:45+00:00

I needed this for today. ❤

pickadaisy · 2021-05-31T02:34:00+00:00

I needed this today.

habibtihunni · 2021-05-31T03:51:59+00:00

Definitely! I’d say that it also helps a lot with self reflection when you get into that head/timespace and think about the person you were at the time as well.

Like it’s been 5 years since my first (and so far only) serious relationship with my ex-fiancé and I think the most hurtful part from that entire list all was that he isolated me from an friend who knew him very well and also knowing about his life situation, warned me about getting married and uprooting my life for him especially when I have college & a bright future staring right at me. Regardless, his 28 (at the time) year old ass had no business messing with 17 year old me, and although it took a minutie for things to click I did not hesitate to leave (albeit quite messily) once it did.

A part of me feels like I should’ve known better, should’ve seen the signs. But I also know that the relationship revealed a lot of blind spots in myself (low self esteem and internalizing desirability politics as a DSBW that I needed to unlearn) that I fortunately was able to discover early on and walk away to work on these issues without the additional baggage of a divorce and potential children in tow. I still haven’t found the contacts of the friend to this day, but if I do, I’d definitely want to reach out and thank her for looking out for me and ripping the rose-coloured glasses off my face lol

Moira_Spice · 2021-05-31T09:55:04+00:00

Yes to all of this. Getting stuck in daydreams about how life was sooooo good while you were together is not going to help you get over him.

I just remember how my ex tried to stay friends with me and then during our re-hashings of the relationship would whine that "you made me feel inadequate". Like, dude, you were still in love with your old ex, your dick was maybe four inches, you drove bad on purpose to scare me, when I fell and crunched my ankle you didn't help me up, you wouldn't hold my hand in public because you were too busy looking at your phone, for two weeks you stored our used condoms in a Gatorade bottle, and you were too cheap to do laundry on a regular basis so you just turned your boxers inside-out. Nobody made you FEEEEEL inadequate, you did that to yourself.

Don't stay friends with your ex.

Kuanzhaixiangzi · 2021-05-31T08:35:20+00:00

I would like to add that the shit list is helpful also if you know that you want to break up, but you're finding it difficult for whatever reason. It's what I did. I wrote, read, reread and kept adding to mine until one day I went to secretly rent my own place and then moved all my stuff out while he was away on business.

Asbelowsoaboveme · 2021-05-31T16:12:05+00:00

This is exactly what I’m doing right now to get over my ex! Such a great, cathartic idea. Put down all the low value traits on paper, imagine it’s describing a stranger, and then ask yourself “would I want to date this man?”

Here’s my shit list:

-Borderline personality disorder

-Emotionally abusive when under stress

-ADHD

-Workaholic

-Alcoholic

-Annoying cutesy pet names and nonsense words

-Annoying, immature, repetitive fart jokes

-He still let his ex list his address as her’s, the whole time we dated, and kept this a secret. He kept his ex’s bra in a drawer and a bunch of his ex’s stuff around his apartment

-Egomaniac, overly self important

-Anger and impulse control issues

-Bad kisser

-Small weird hands

-Nasally voice

-Weird back hair

-He claims he’s a “musician”, but doesn’t want to play music or see musicians play because he’s jealous and bitter that he never became a rockstar

-He makes stupid rap songs, even though he can’t rap

-He’s an adult man who likes cartoons and gross out humor

-He uses Reddit

🤢

hikurangi2019 · 2021-05-31T04:12:44+00:00

Niiiice.

haunted_vcr · 2021-05-31T08:04:09+00:00

This is great.

Here's a similar strategy that has always worked for me when I'm waffling - write two lists side by side, "what I like/don't like about him".

Stare that "what I like" list down very carefully and be honest about which items you realize are not true, then cross them out. It's so easy to get caught up in a fantasy.

Look at it again and decide how valuable the remaining items are - often pretty frivolous. Then look at the "don't like" list and ask yourself how it will feel to put with with it for several years. I guarantee you'll be horrified enough to stay away.

namasdating · 2021-05-31T10:31:03+00:00

GOLD! Saving this

Callanovo · 2021-05-31T17:27:28+00:00

I had a long-term situationship with a narcissist who would occasionally send me really vicious, toxic, haughty emails if I ever exhibited a sign of independent behavior. It was an on and off relationship for far longer than it needed to be - I took him back many times after I knew better. One of the last breakups, he sent me one of his windbaggy emails and I just saw how small and nasty he was, how desperately he was trying to pull me down to his level. I forwarded the email to a friend and said “Show me this if I ever talk to NVX again.” Of course I eventually did, and she did... it was a great tactic!

ennu_i_sao · 2021-05-31T07:11:12+00:00

This helped me. But what I did first was made first a more general list of qualities or things I liked. I purposely kept the phrasing general so it would be easy to find in other people or heavily analyze it. Then, I made my shit list second and it really did it really outnumber the first list and it was much more personal and specific. I have a good memory so I ritually burned the lists to symbolize the end, forever

ConnectBlueberry9276 · 2021-05-31T18:22:53+00:00

You are a genius!!!! Thank you!!!

honeybeeroll · 2021-06-01T19:26:05+00:00

Great list! Bookmarking in the event I ever date again . Shit lists should be kept for guys in your scrotation to help keep you grounded by smashing any of those false warm & fuzzy feelings. I won't say "hopefully the list is empty." What I will say is I hope any shit list a woman keeps for a man is always brutally honest. Life is always better when we are brutally honest about our relationships with others and ourselves!

GretaTheBeeotch · 2021-06-03T00:54:06+00:00

All of these are awesome, one addition:

Ways he let his family disrespect/abuse/gaslight you & never stood up for you

Iupvoteanimals · 2021-05-31T14:59:25+00:00

This is the best advice. I was wondering, though, how is it dangerous to not hide it? You mean if your ex found it?

Title	SHIT LIST 💩 a "get the fuck over him" strategy for breakups.
Author	Moira_Spice
Upvotes	577
Comments	47
Date	May 30, 2021 8:55 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/nokdhr/shit_list_a_get_the_fuck_over_him_strategy_for/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/shit-list-a-get-the-fuck-over-him-strategy-for.774152 https://theredarchive.com/post/774152

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