Single motherhood. No need for a man.

throwaway04357 · 2021-04-16T16:45:32+00:00

I'm an only parent. I got pregnant and was scared, my ex convinced me not to do adoption. He was all for the pregnancy but not for the parenting. He hasn't seen our child since they were 6 months old, which was years ago. He doesn't even know what they look like now and pretends they never happened.

It is hard but the joy far outweighs the hardships (at least for me). I'm so happy I don't have to co parent. All holidays are mine. All decisions are mine to make. There's not many men in my family but there's enough for my kid to have some positive male role models while being surrounded by very strong independent outspoken women. The hardest part is not having as much free time as I would have if I was co parenting. Everyone in my family has busy lives so babysitters can be hard to come by. If this is what you really want and you have the support and are financially able to have a kid then go for it!

Honestly my married friends with children don't have lives much different from mine.. They do most of the parenting, planning and housework. Sometimes their husbands will 'babysit' while we go out to brunch once in a blue moon but it's never without a phone call asking where something is or when are they going to be home and can they hurry up. In a way I have more freedom than they do because at least I don't have to ask permission to do something, I just have to plan for a sitter. I love my life and love being a mom. I was crushed when my ex didn't care but now I'm grateful that I don't have to parent a fully grown child in an adults body on top of everything.

nanofarm · 2021-04-16T16:31:01+00:00

All you need to do is start looking at married couples around you to realize that most moms are parenting alone regardless. I was married when I had mine but things were EASIER when he moved out. I’m still glad to share custody bc I don’t earn much and he does so those big child support payments help. He has her every other weekend which is perfect for a mom break. He is more of an uncle than a dad and they do fun stuff together but he also causes lots of headaches. If I made enough to do it alone that would be better. I have a few other single mom friends and we host slumber parties often to give each other the night off. I have a great daycare which feels like extended family. It’s 100% doable. The only limiting factor for me would have been income and you’ve got that covered.

Yellowsunflowerlover · 2021-04-16T18:10:30+00:00

Hi! Single mom here by choice. It was easier to do it alone than stay with a LVM. My child doesn't have his dad in the picture, but he does have uncles and my dad in the picture. While it's not ideal to a lot of people, I don't agree with that "Father" thing. I have raised my child alone since birth with amazing friends, other awesome single mom friends, parents etc. I also have an amazing daycare that has become family as well. My son is as happy as can be. He's never once asked why he doesn't have a dad and that's because he has so much love from everywhere else that he doesn't feel like there's an empty void. Maybe later on he will, but for now he's fine. We're best friends and his happiness shines more than anyone I know. Also, all holidays and special events are with me. I get two cards on Mother's and Father's Day. And he's growing up to be kind, compassionate etc. (Maybe I'm getting off track), but don't be scared. I don't have the financial resources you do, but even with the financial difficulties single motherhood has been amazing. And I'm so happy to have it that way. You can definitely find a HVM and build this life with him, but know that it can be done alone as well. So don't let it sway your thinking.<3

MLane81 · 2021-04-16T18:31:22+00:00

Aspiring single mom by choice (smbc) here!! I used a donor last year and unfortunately miscarried my son. I’m about to start IVF in a few weeks. I feel extremely confident in my choice. I’ve dated plenty, I’m in a good place career wise and financially, and I’ve always wanted to be a mom. The one thing I’d say that’s been extremely helpful has been that I have my parent’s total support for my decision. My dad is a HVM and did not want me to settle for a LVM. They have taken me to all my appointments and were there for me during my loss. My child will have my dad and my brother as their ‘male role models’. I also have several HVM colleagues and friends so I’m not worried about that aspect.

There are SMBC support groups on Facebook id encourage you to join. There’s a website too. A good friend of mine, a neighbor, did it on her own and made lots of friends through the support group. They help each other out and have lots of events.

Ignore what society says and do what works for you!!

Efflights6 · 2021-04-16T18:12:33+00:00

I think that's a great idea. It would be nice if like minded women co-parent children too.

Hhjjuuy · 2021-04-16T19:54:15+00:00

As a single mother very much not by choice (rape and lack of access to abortion) who became a parent on pretty much the opposite of all you've listed here (young, broke, uneducated, lacking fulfilling personal life experience, other bullshit) I want to say that your friends' concerns are without merit. Have they specified what difficulties of single motherhood they think you don't understand?

The nuclear family as we know it is pretty much bullshit, I won't ramble on here but wide support networks (especially with involved grandparents) are much more important than having 2 parents in a home together. There has been research into multigenerational households that shows children growing up in them do as well or better than children in a "typical" 2 parent household, even if they only have one parent in their lives within these households. While I know you're not intending to live with your parents it seems like your mother will potential play a large caring role in her grandchild's life which is reasonably similar to sharing a household, even if you all sleep in different houses and have time apart. The concept and promotion of the nuclear two parent family is pretty much just a shitty attempt to prop up capitalism and distract from its inherent faults. They can say poverty isn't an issue, it's single mothers see! Trying to ignore the overwhelming amount of single mothers who live in or close to poverty for their entire lives.

I've rambled a bit but I don't think smbc is inherently wrong or selfish or most importantly any more difficult than having a child with a husband, given your circumstances (and even without some of them. I certainly don't think being married to my rapist would provide me or my daughter a better life and I'm sure your friends don't fully consider the implications of what they're saying when they tell you these concerns).

Protoetype · 2021-04-16T18:08:02+00:00

I admire women who do this, as long as that's what you want and you're ready and able, go for it. I personally think it'd be easier for a woman with resources to raise a child on her own because she won't have to "worry" about maintaining a relationship with a husband and she'll be in total control of the finances and decisions. This seems like it'll make raising a child so much more stress free and enjoyable.

anywaysheresrational · 2021-04-16T16:30:08+00:00

Yessss, decided this last year for me. Already looked up clinics to work with. I'm Western European so Spain is a good option, and I believe it is also legal in Sweden, Denmark, The Netherlands and Switzerland.

Congrats also on your awesome Level Up! I'm in a similar situation and not gonna lie - life's good. No PhD though, I salute you.

Inthefullspectrum · 2021-04-16T20:39:08+00:00

I hate the whole “kids need a mom and a dad” argument with a passion. New flash, a man (dad, stepdad, whatever) can live with a child and be zero contribution or minus to their development. You can get pregnant with a man (opposed to actual sperm donor) and the guy fucking vanishes in a heartbeat. I was raised in a two parents household too and actually my dad was pretty involved with me if he could (‘Cos he worked two jobs) when my mom couldn’t (one job) but God, I understand sometimes is easier be a single parent than deal with an annoying, unreasonable man child.

Edit: in my country, some Foster (governmental) agencies prefer single/divorced/widow mother. They think women alone are in better position that in a relationship with power struggles.

sewingmachinesavior · 2021-04-16T17:27:33+00:00

Being a single mother IS a challenge, but, it is far more simple when you aren’t dealing with custody challenges etc.

But it can also turn your life upside down, motherhood in general. You could have debilitating morning sickness, or pregnancy complications. If you are generally fit and healthy, the chances are reduced.

You’ll pay through the nose for good childcare, check the cost of a nanny, good daycare, etc. where you live. If you work many hours outside of 6:30a to 6pm, you will HAVE to have a nanny or family help.

But over all, the vast majority of troubles we single moms face have to do w the NVM we procreated with.

As long as family courts are biased against women and don’t hold abusers accountable, I think being a single mother by choice is the best way to opt out of that system, while still having children.

Get the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility to be fully informed and get a head start on understanding your cycle.

XRoze · 2021-04-16T21:31:15+00:00

I'm planning on doing this once I graduate med school and finish residency. I'll be in my mid-thirties, and will make enough money to be able to take care of a family on my own. I think more women with the means need to seriously consider this as an option. It was honestly such a relief to stop worrying about finding the "right guy" - who may never show up. I now feel like I can fully focus on my career right now with the knowledge that I have a plan for later, and I don't have to waste any time dating a bunch of frogs in the hope of finding a prince. I know there are some great men out there, but my standards are really high and the ones that meet them are few and far between. And honestly, I realized I wanted children more than I wanted a long term relationship with a man anyway. I'm planning on doing artificial insemination for one and adopting one. I've always wanted to adopt, but recently I've started to really want to go through pregnancy one time. So why not one of each?

I've noticed a lot of people (men AND women) get really bent out of shape when women talk about having children solo by choice. I think men are threatened by it, and women feel like they have to put it down because they didn't consider it or have the option to do so themselves. They start to cite all sorts of stats about single mothers etc. What they don't realize is that those stats fail to separate out mothers who were financially stable and single mothers BY CHOICE versus women largely living in poverty who were left with children by a deadbeat dad. Those are two very different groups, and I don't mean any shame to the women living in poverty doing it alone unexpectedly. It's just comparing apples to oranges. I think as long as you go into it with a support system in place and the awareness that if you have a son, he will need good male role models in his life, it can be a really good environment for children. Sure beats a lot of the messed up, broken families kids are raised in every day.

WornTheTshirt73 · 2021-04-16T16:36:46+00:00

[deleted]

Spittens · 2021-04-16T16:39:55+00:00

If you're ready, capable, and willing, go for it.

While being a single mom will likely be hard, it won't be nearly as hard as being a mom while married to a nvm/lvm. Also, the only male influences you should allow in your child's life should be high value. Any that aren't should be immediately removed, and used as teaching opportunities on what not to do/be.

So then you are truly making the best choice for yourself and your future child.

meat_brick · 2021-04-16T17:17:29+00:00

I'm in my late 30s. My son is 13. 13 sucks ass, but parenting him with my ex was so much harder. I've switched from doing damage control because his dad has anger problems, to mostly enjoying him and trying to raise the best man that I can. My ex was also the very stereotype of a man baby. I realized I could not parent them both and still keep me. I chose me and my child.

Solo parenting is so much better than parenting with a shitty partner.

IchBraucheVodka · 2021-04-16T18:05:08+00:00

I quite never understood why people say « kids need a male model ».

Like objectively, how many ~~fathers~~ sperm-donors are models ? With their kids or in general ?

lostmillenia · 2021-04-16T22:48:28+00:00

Totally thinking about this for the future!

I know an incredible woman who runs her own veggie farm, very successful. In her early 40s. She had been dating this man for years, but he already had children who were 20. He had already done it..

She broke it off with him, chose a doner with good genes, got pregnant, and is raising her daughter alone. They look so happy and healthy!

It's an option!

WornTheTshirt73 · 2021-04-17T06:05:35+00:00

I would never judge a single mom... the urge to have a child is one of the most all consuming natural urges a woman can have ... I married a man I hardly knew to have kids... of course I regretted it, but I don’t regret my children. We need to redevelop the matriarchy in order to support each other. It works for elephants!

ussr_ftw · 2021-04-16T18:49:01+00:00

Most married moms are only parents anyway. I cannot tell you the number of horror stories about a mom working her ass off at her job AND being a full-time carer to her kids while her husband plays video games all day and works part-time. Literally all of these women say it would be better if he moved out. You, 100%, do not need to be married or have a man in order to have babies. Don't tie yourself down with a mediocre man for kids.

idiosyncraticg1 · 2021-04-16T19:46:53+00:00

I also have a similar opinion - I don’t want to give someone else the power of having kids with me. I hear horror stories about how after a divorce you can’t leave the country with your kids unless they have the other parents signature, and sometimes the dad purposefully won’t give the signature.

If your child is just your own, you can move as much as you want, travel as much as you want with them, and do whatever without relying on another person. You can put the child in whatever school you want and sign them up for whatever extracurriculars that you and the child want. Plus you can always meet a man later.

Single motherhood is difficult but if you can afford a nanny and cleaner you should be fine. Best of luck!

NowTruly · 2021-04-16T20:21:34+00:00

Watch out for "friends" that say a child needs a father/male role model.

What a child needs is POSITIVE and LOVING role models. Period, full stop. Acting like a child needs someone with the "right" plumbing is the most maddening bullshit I've ever heard.

Do it on your own, sis. I promise you it will be MUCH easier than the alternative.

Vegetable-Cheetah694 · 2021-04-16T17:20:37+00:00

This is totally doable, especially given your income level.

When I was with my son's father, it was actually MORE work than being a single mom. I was isolated from my family and he made sure I had zero time to myself.

As part of your plan, you can look into the costs of nannies/daycare and ask your mom if she's willing to commit x amount of days a week watching your child. This will help you better estimate your childcare costs.

You got this!

mintmint33 · 2021-04-16T20:59:32+00:00

You'll be fine as long as your have resources and time. I'm a teacher and there're plenty of good mothers like you.

liberty_5-30000 · 2021-04-17T01:30:58+00:00

Dear Laffy

My friend a high power lawyer always wanted kids. She has 4 beautiful kids: 3 boys and a girl all from the same donor. They are a great family kids a normal happy pain in the butts.

Go for it. You are smart have means to give them a nice life. Look through the books pick mr right. My friend did

Good luck. I’m happy for you.

Best

Alybank · 2021-04-16T19:08:14+00:00

Once they’re in school it’s fine but don’t let these comments fool you parenting is HARD and expensive(I’m guessing your 6 figure salary will help with that, nannies from my area start at like $18/hr base pay). Especially the 2-3yr old ages. I love kids, I am a kid person. But damn I don’t think I’d ever want to do it alone. It is the hardest job you’ll ever do, plus it’s 24/7. There are no breaks. That being said if it was 10 year down the line; and I had a similar income level, I would probably take a couple kids out of the foster care system.

level_up_always · 2021-04-16T20:56:33+00:00

If I did have kids this would be my path but I'm pretty sure I'm childfree. I wouldn't tell anyone until you're actually pregnant. People can be really negative and judgey. They won't understand. And you don't need a dad to find a role model there are plenty of ways to do that.

screamingfayejawkins · 2021-04-17T07:13:26+00:00

My closest friend did this, she’s asexual and an all round baller - great career, just generally a wonderful person. She’s 37 and had a baby by herself from a sperm donor, he was born just before Christmas and she’s a brilliant mum, so calm and loving and capable. No drama! Her mum and sister have been helping through COVID but now restrictions are easing I can’t wait to get in on the action and do more than walks in the park and cooking dinners. She’s got a village of dope women who all want in, lucky kid. Good luck!! X

imstah · 2021-04-17T08:44:06+00:00

I've been a single mom for 11 years and the only time it was difficult was before i got my masters degree and finances were poor. I was alone with a foreign country with my daughter and it was honestly not nearly as hard as people have you believe, or i got really lucky. It's incredibly fulfilling and i wholly recommend it, I'm thinking about trying for a foster baby since i don't want to go through pregnancy again

savedempath · 2021-04-16T16:52:19+00:00

Why do you want a child? I think you can obviously live your life on your own, but do you genuinely want to be married? Do you value partnership? It sounds like you don't, but I would maybe suggest really thinking deep and hard, about being a single mom. Its not easy, and you will need a very good support system because you won't have a partner. While being married isn't required to have a child, it really depends on what your goal is. I wish you luck, but willingly choosing single motherhood, can sometimes come from a place of hurt. I'm not saying thats you, but its another perspective. I hope you have a network of people you can truly rely on because raising a kid on your own can really take alot of energy, and I truly believe its why some women struggle with choosing better, because they are defeated. I know many single moms and the ones that I know that are successful, have purpose and have support. If you have that, you will do fine.

queen_beastmode · 2021-04-16T23:22:34+00:00

The hardest thing about being a single mother is lack of resources (after being a SAHM for however long) and dealing with the terrible ex. So if you have neither of those concerns it's actually not too bad.

But do be aware that gestating a kid can really throw some serious curveballs when it comes to your health. You absolutely need a fallback plan if you find yourself unable to go back to work on the timeline that you were originally expecting. Like, I dunno, being a doctor is pretty active and it's entirely possible to end up with a mobility issue after you have a child.

eatchickpeas · 2021-04-16T22:49:28+00:00

in a way i guess alot of women are already doing this, the only difference is the fathers are sort of in their lives but dont contribute financially/emotionally/practically and the women were in love but then their partner changes/leaves/becomes abusive. its suprisingly common how abusive men will lovebomb their partners then change the instant they get married or have a child

in terms of IVF i would try joining a lesbian fertility group and ask for their experiences when it comes to aftercare and choosing the sperm donor if you are going to have a child through that. im a lesbian, i want kids one day and will plan to do IVF

DreamlikeNile · 2021-04-17T05:58:07+00:00

On a practical note - first thing I would do right now (and have done myself) is pick up the phone for a fertility clinic and get an initial fertility test booked in. It isn't widely known but female fertility varies widely between individuals and isn't solely about age. You might have a bit more time up your sleeve, or you might need to work faster. A test usually involves a scan and a blood test (it measures your ovarian reserve). It will help empower you with this knowledge and you can have a chat to the doctor about your options.

Good on you for being so proactive and taking control! I wish more women would do this! 😊👍

yoursultana · 2021-04-16T20:06:49+00:00

Have you considered adopting a newborn instead? Idk it just seems sad to get donor sperm from a random scrote and not adopt an actual living human who has been abandoned.

darkhorse8419 · 2021-04-16T21:01:18+00:00

Just make sure that if you are debilitated or die you have someone who’d be willing to take the child. I don’t enjoy being a single mother, but that’s me. Good luck to you

Heather619 · 2021-04-16T22:07:12+00:00

Statistically, there are a lot of negative outcomes for kids that are correlated with fatherlessness, especially if the child is a boy. But one way to offset that is by the child still having an older, positive, adult male role model. A grandpa, an uncle, an older cousin, etc.

_queeeen_ · 2021-04-16T22:01:20+00:00

Your friends’ counter argument about a child needing a two parent household probably comes from a good place. But the thing is, you have zero guarantee that your child will have that. Even if you were married to a HVM, he could die, leave, turn out to be abusive (worse than dying or leaving).

If you desire children and think you’d be a good mom you should do it.

yfunk3 · 2021-04-17T04:24:22+00:00

This is what my rich sis is doing and even though I never wanted kids, I support her 100% and can't wait until I get a niece or newphew to spoil and teach to become either a radical feminist or an ally. 😁

RecordingImportant94 · 2021-04-17T11:38:05+00:00

I am a single mother, though I wasn’t on paper at the beginning, and it is so so much better than doing it “with” a man. My workload has been reduced massively by leaving my ex, I resent how much time I spent essentially mothering him when I could have focused 100% on my daughter. The only negative of single parenthood is having to share custody with my ex. I am undecided on having any more children currently, as being in/leaving the abusive relationship with my child’s father has set me back significantly and I need to focus on healing and supporting my daughter, but if I do want another child in the future it will 100% be by sperm donor.

I honestly think SMBC have the right idea, and you are certainly in the perfect position to pursue single motherhood. Research doulas, as having a doula to advocate for you during childbirth and support you postpartum will be invaluable even if you have supportive family members.

I wish you luck on your journey

Suspicious-Leg-1407 · 2021-04-17T12:05:26+00:00

Good for you.

I know a few women who went this route.

Do it!

Honestly_th0 · 2021-04-20T00:07:15+00:00

You don’t need a man, but you might want to consider a nanny—if only part time.

Title	Single motherhood. No need for a man.
Author	laffytaggy
Upvotes	272
Comments	66
Date	April 16, 2021 1:37 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/ms3aza/single_motherhood_no_need_for_a_man/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/single-motherhood-no-need-for-a-man.763217 https://theredarchive.com/post/763217

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