Before or After

stockingsinrainboots · 2025-09-22T15:09:04+00:00

This has happened to me a couple of times, and I respect their decision to do what's best for them. Losing a friend's sucks, but so does heartache.

One came back after a while, after processing his feelings, and now we're great friends! But I would have respected his decision to stay away, if that was what he needed. I consider him a friend after all, and I want my friends to be happy.

Clean-Luck6428 · 2025-09-22T15:36:48+00:00

Grieving a lost relationship/friendship is ok

Saying he’s a bad dude bc you don’t want to fuck him means you feel entitled to his time and friendship

TopShelfSnipes · 2025-09-22T15:29:37+00:00

What needs to be killed off is this idea of "confession." This idea that it's a good idea to hang onto this thing like a shameful secret, and then "confess" to a woman as if coming clean about his sins before God and begging for absolution in the form of a date.

If a guy starts to become infatuated (note use of terminology here), he should tell his friend immediately in a "hey, you don't need to say or do anything, just putting this out there, I'm open to it, but...just think about it" kind of way. You are infatuated. You are not "in love."

When guys "confess" - mind you, this is as told to me by guys who've done it and by women friends who've been on the receiving end - it's almost always some grand declaration of love which is wildly out of context, often with no forewarning, and it's dumped on her with an expectation that she'll just give him a shot because of that when her feelings are just friendship and likely nowhere near that.

There does seem to be a propensity towards this for men who fantasize. They write whole ass futures in their mind where they'd be perfect together. Live in the moment, stop getting ahead of yourselves. Your fantasy isn't real. The woman rejecting you doesn't see it, and if you made a movie of it and filmed it for her, she'd probably find it pretty gross and be able to tell you why that's not the life she wants.

So, "confessing" is going from 0 to 9, instead of from 0 to 1, and putting her on the spot to make a decision. Do you think most women want to say yes and crush their friend when they agree to go on a date and don't feel anything? So they reject it sooner, and view it as letting him down easy.

If you want a woman you're friends with to give you a chance, go from 0 to 1, subtly change the dynamic, and see if she reciprocates. If she does not, she isn't interested. You have to meet people where they're at. How the hell would a dude feel if some woman he never thought of as more than a friend or casual acquaintance said "omg, let's get married, and let's have 5 kids, and raise them all in a 6 bedroom house, I have the perfect one picked out, and we can even have his and hers minivans!" He'd be creeped the fuck out, is what would happen.

And let me be clear - this is not about lying to a woman, it's actually the opposite. It's about being upfront about interest when it develops and not bottling it up until it becomes this weird, possessive, all-consuming emotion (read: limerance) that the guys who complain about the "Friendzone" always make it out to be when they falsely call it "love" - often because they've never experienced love. It's about consciously trying to explore a different dynamic to see if there's anything there. Because it's not "love" at least in a romantic sense, and if it is love in a platonic sense, you'd want the best for your friend, and that includes them being happy, not believing that YOU AND ONLY YOU can give them that, despite your friend's protestations.

Men, on behalf of all of us who do not do this: STOP "confessing."

Gravel_Roads · 2025-09-22T15:12:10+00:00

If your friend randomly stops being friends with you because you won’t (or can’t) give them what they want, you’re allowed to be sad and hurt and feel betrayed.

That doesn’t mean the other person has to care, nor does it mean they should stay if they don’t want to.

But it’s a very normal reaction to be sad and upset when you lose a friend.

abaxeron · 2025-09-22T16:49:32+00:00

I guess she feels that he was just hanging around her with the hopes of one day being with her.

Can't blame them. Most women sort most men into "No" and "Maybe" boxes within a minute after meeting them. When women talk about "developing feelings [for a guy] over time", they mean like, three weeks.

What if he develops feelings somewhere down the line, months or even years later, but just decides he needs to step away after being rejected?

Since this never happens to (almost all) women, this must never happen to anyone. But remember, it's actually men who are the majority of diagnosed with clinical narcissism.

CreepyVictorianDolls · 2025-09-22T16:54:19+00:00

I think he is fully within his right to cut ties after rejection. Some people need that to properly move on.

I don't agree with people who get pissy when a friend does that.

Wide-Illustrator2906 · 2025-09-22T18:59:35+00:00

It's perfectly fine to leave a friendship if one person caught feelings but they were not returned. If that person truly cares about you they will understand and accept your decision to stay away.

DaddyStone13 · 2025-09-22T19:59:37+00:00

A woman who gets mad about this was just mad that she will no longer get free shit from him.

HeartEnvironmental96 · 2025-09-22T17:05:15+00:00

I think I would feel pretty annoying if a fat girl I was friends with out of nowhere confessed feelings for me. Its awkward.

That being said, I feel like there would be a lot of willfull ignorance on my part to not realize it before the fact.

Outside_Memory5703 · 2025-09-22T15:26:29+00:00

It doesn’t matter, really

All that matters is that our bodies are more important to you than our brains.

Once we’re no longer a sex option, we cease to be appealing to you

I’ve had plenty of crushes on guys. I ignored the feelings, because they weren’t wanted. And everything was fine

throwaway73737828 · 2025-09-22T15:18:08+00:00

Good decision men shouldn’t stay with a women after rejection. He did the right thing.

Findol272 · 2025-09-22T19:58:07+00:00

A lot of women (people) are just bad friends and hold contempt for the men they don't consider dateable.

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Gilmoregirlin · 2025-09-23T19:12:43+00:00

I have had this happen in my younger years with two of my very good friends. And yes I was angry at them, and I chose not to continue the friendship, not them, because I could no longer trust them and I knew that no matter what I did, even if it was just friendly would likely lead them on. Both of them were also furious with me for rejecting their advances. In one case the friendship had been six years long! The other two years. And in both cases they said the only reason they never expressed the feelings before is because I was always dating people at the time, or they were, so yes they always had the feelings. Do I think there are cases where men develop feelings all of the sudden? Sometimes. But men rarely just out of the blue want to sleep with someone they have know for six years when they never did before.

MarioWilson122 · 2025-09-22T17:58:09+00:00

Yeah it can happen because some women desire for guys to be friends before making a move. Because they want to get to know someone first and not have strangers pursue them. Which can make some guys pursue friendship before trying to see if there is romantic connection.

Since men typically want to pursue some women they like for romantic reasons. If they don't have attraction then they will likely pursue with only desiring to be friends. So he would be pursuing with no romantic attentions.

Of course another way it can happen is if it naturally happens over time but that was unattended. If a man wants to make it happen then he is doing what it takes.

He doesn't want to just have every opportunity fall to chance. That is a good way to remain alone as a man. Especially if the man isn't model tier.

So the man will be being friends first and then make their move. Which can make a woman think the man was just pretending to be a friend the whole time just to get close. Which is a unfortune side effect of women wanting men to pursue in that way.

badgersonice · 2025-09-23T11:08:41+00:00

I suspect it depends a lot on how he takes the rejection and how he communicates his need for some distance.

If he shows takes the rejection reasonably and with understanding and acceptance, and explains why he needs some distance, I’m sure it can work out fine.

If he lashes out angrily, blames her or tries to argue that she should want him or it’s not “fair”, or if he just immediately cuts contact and ghosts her… then I don’t see why she would be understanding instead of feeling just hurt and used.

Try communicating if you care about your friends. It won’t guarantee a perfect ideal result, but it might help.

starlightphoenix1 · 2025-09-22T19:03:12+00:00

If someone confesses their feelings and emotions that’s not a betrayal. What should happen in this situation she should be flattered, listen, validate and understand what he is saying. Cutting them out of your life is just a power move. Set firm boundaries…

Title	Before or After
Author	Xiggyj
Upvotes	14
Comments	115
Date	September 22, 2025 2:59 PM UTC (10 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1nnot7h/before_or_after/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/before-or-after.1562576 https://theredarchive.com/post/1562576

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