Guy is concerned with how he is making his girlfriend upset and gets called "manipulative".

petrichordium · 2019-01-25T13:59:52+00:00

This behavior in a woman would be correctly identified as “being an emotionally labile psycho drama queen”. This is not the dude being concerned. It’s a weak form of narcissism that really can become manipulation the more someone has to walk around on eggshells bc they don’t want to go through the whole bullshit parade again.

neualgae · 2019-01-25T13:17:45+00:00

I'm not even sure he's being "concerned"? Shutting someone out and refusing to talk to them because they were upset is the opposite of being helpful.

Either way, what I assumed this thread was going to be about and what I think you're getting at: there is a sort of manipulative "concern" that people of both genders do. Some people go so over-the-top self-flagellating about how horrible they feel for having hurt someone, that the conversation switches from being about why the hurt person is upset in the first place, to the hurt person having to be the one to comfort their partner (ie, the one who actually screwed up). It's manipulative because it's a way to avoid responsibility for things that you did wrong. Plus if you put enough theatrics into it, the person who you upset starts being afraid to voice normal concerns, because they don't want to set you off.

belletaco · 2019-01-25T14:26:59+00:00

your post:

Translation: I snapped at him in public and he didn't handle it well.

OPs post

No one likes feeling unwell and I just felt a bit irritated. I didn't snap at him or anything, just told him to hurry up because I felt lousy and I just wanted to get home and lay down

She explained it was one "mundane" example and the overall issue is that he is too sensitive, so saying "jesus the poor guy was taking too long to pick something out to eat" is a pretty weak summary of the post.

The advice seems ok and not overly aggressive to me. If he upsets her, he should apologize (as is normally expected with partners), fix the behavior (as people do when they upset people they love and if it is a habit) and move on. Not guilt trip her and sulk around. That's annoying and unattractive.

This outrage post is kind of dramatic.

goatismycopilot · 2019-01-25T14:08:16+00:00

Personally I would not be able to handle a relationship like what she is describing and I would last about 5 to 10 minutes with somebody who finds making mundane decisions like what to get for dinner that taxing. So I would have said, end the relationship because you sound very frustrated and that is no way to conduct a romantic relationship. He sounds super high maintenance in terms of how he processes emotions and she is not built to respond in a way that does not leave her angry or frustrated she does not need to spend all of her time figuring out how to communicate with a super sensitive person and he needs somebody who is more patient. They are a bad match they are finding that out.

buartha · 2019-01-25T14:14:38+00:00

If he shows his vulnerability and sensitivity he is shamed for it and called manipulative.

You can show your 'vulnerability and sensitivity' without acting like you're made of china. I thought I was one of the most fragile snowflakes of all and I still wouldn't huff for more than half an hour if my husband was briefly snappy with me for being annoying. I agree with the commenters that it's either a manipulation tactic or he's emotionally immature, but either way it's something that needs to be worked on.

fatalcharm · 2019-01-25T13:27:43+00:00

Ok, so my guess is that you are just as overly sensitive as the guy in the post and you took personal offence to it?

Uncommon_Sensed_1234 · 2019-01-25T13:53:43+00:00

Have you ever had a migraine? They are not your pop an Advil and carry on with your day headache.

I get that you want the woman to be the bad guy here. But if you tell your partner you are in severe pain and need to get home, the most compassionate and courteous reply is to speed up or take your partner home and return to shop on your own.

sublimemongrel · 2019-01-25T14:09:54+00:00

This reads like she’s seeking advice because whenever she displays any sort of negativity he exaggerates it and further makes it all about him. Nobody is shaming anyone.

From this you conclude that “everything a man does in a relationship is wrong.” That is quite a stretch.

RightfullySqualid · 2019-01-25T16:10:57+00:00

Why couldn't she have said "honey my head feels like it's gonna explode, so I'm gonna wait in the car while you finish here, ok?"

Edit: I read the original post and I don't think your summary was very fair.

azngirl7689 · 2019-01-25T13:13:13+00:00

That wasn’t vulnerability and sensitivity- that was straight up fragility and bullshit. Did you read the post?

coratoad · 2019-01-25T16:41:48+00:00

Your post doesn't fairly represent the original. His actions were manipulative. He was punishing her for getting annoyed with him.

CainPrice · 2019-01-25T14:27:35+00:00

That boyfriend is the grown-up "nice guy" and there is nothing positive about him to praise and nothing negative about his girlfriend to shit on except for the fact that she hasn't dumped him which means she's enabling his shittiness.

He's the kind of guy where every time she expresses anything, instead of listening like a normal human and acting normal, he jumps to self-sacrifice and find a solution, apologizing profusely about how he didn't know or recognize the issue earlier. He makes a big ol' dramatic point about how over-the-top caring he is for every single one of her needs and seeks attention by passive-aggressively beating himself up verbally in front of her every time she's unhappy about something, hoping to manipulate her into realizing and appreciating how nice he is all the time and how much he sacrifices for her.

longacidrain · 2019-01-25T14:04:52+00:00

Wouldn't take relationship advice from Reddit, ever.

blackedoutfast · 2019-01-25T17:27:15+00:00

narcissism. he is flipping the situation around so he can feel like the "victim" and have a pity party.

this guy would have done something similar no matter what happened. if the chick got sick of his indecisiveness and said "fuck it we're eating spaghetti" then the dude would be all mopey and pick at his food like its the most disgusting thing ever. if she had said "just pick something right now!" then he would spend the rest of the evening being all mopey and feeling sorry for himself because he always has to pick or because making decisions is such a burden or some stupid bs like that.

this situation has nothing to do with the dude upsetting the woman and everything to do with his personality and the dynamics of their relationship. it's just "games people play" stuff in action.

she needs to dump this guy asap. as annoying as this behavior is now, imagine having to deal with it constantly for the next 40-50 years. the normal problems of marriage and/or kids will be amplified 1000x with someone like this

Eastuss · 2019-01-25T13:22:13+00:00

The only thing I reproach to the answer is that he doesn't seem to be transferring the blame at all.

But if he's like that most of the time, then that's terribly annoying and can indeed incentive you to be inhibited and to restrict communication, which won't work.

I won't like such behaviour in a woman too, no pussy drama thanks.

Whodunnit88 · 2019-01-25T13:32:04+00:00

This is a post from a year ago though.

larrythetomato · 2019-01-25T14:01:34+00:00

To me this sounds like she is frustrated by his lack of masculine energy but doesn't know how to express herself or articulate the feelings. Or likely she feels that expressing it would make it worse.

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atlantic68 · 2019-01-25T16:32:41+00:00

Shit happens in relationships. Whys this news?

Exile_In_Redditville · 2019-01-25T17:32:21+00:00

In that situation, the top response is correct to me but requires more context to not look overblown. I think it's pretty normal to have levels of "care" commensurate with how close you are to someone. If I was in a store picking out (whatever non emergency item) with a friend that said they felt sick or had a migraine coming on, I'd ask if they want to leave. If they need anything from the store like advil or ginger ale or something. Their declining state would take priority over the non emergency thing. If I got careless or was distracted and dragged them along and they snapped at me, it would be the gut check required to realize I was being careless and I would apologize.

Not because I need to be raked over coals or demonstrate ULTIMATE SORROW but because they're sick, I knew it, and I dragged out their suffering whether or not I meant to. For an so/spouse, I'm consistently not careless on purpose and continually check in on them if they say they're fine. If I didn't and got caught slipping, I would feel even more compelled to make it right. Not get all sensitive sally and pretend sick people aren't capable of snapping, let alone ones dragged through a store.

hshsvdhsiabs · 2019-01-25T18:05:17+00:00

I don’t think it’s a big deal at all. When other things go on in your life ( like a migraine) you don’t always say things in the nicest way because you’re stressed out. It happens to literally everybody. It doesn’t make it okay, you should apologize after. But you should also be understanding that somebody wasn’t feeling well and not take it to heart. They both messed up, but it’s not anything serious. I don’t get why anybody cares.

kandyapplez · 2019-01-25T19:05:24+00:00

he sounds like a giant soggy pussy that's why. "poor guy"?? if you're ever in the position of being referred to that way, realize your gf is probably brick dry whenever she thinks of you

MGTOWtoday · 2019-01-25T21:03:53+00:00

Guys, Jesus. Just stop catering to women. No matter what you do they’re complain about something. You might as well teach them who’s boss and keep your dignity. I would have told her to go wait in the car. If she complained I’d tell her to get out of my sight.

shoup88 · 2019-01-26T00:56:56+00:00

So it seems like everything a man does in a relationship is wrong.

More like everything the other party in a relationships post does is wrong. That subreddit is just there to gas up the posters and reinforce their beliefs that everyone else is the asshole.

Xemnas81 · 2019-01-26T02:19:39+00:00

Default gynosympathy, what's new?

justhanging92 · 2019-01-26T10:10:57+00:00

With what you quoted from the op, I really don’t know what you are talking about. This sounds like the guy was fully aware of her condition but wasn’t concerned about it and kept doing his thing. If she was feeling fine it and didn’t have any pressing matters, then yeah it can be an exxageration

lbspredh · 2019-01-26T15:59:26+00:00

Everyone being a drama queen in that sub as usual. She was rude and snapped at him, he was rude and sulked about it, most people in a relationship would not see that as something worth comment on it's own

esiemualB · 2019-01-26T16:47:19+00:00

She explicitly stated that she didn't snap at him, she just asked him to hurry up because she had a headache. He is getting called manipulative because he made a huge deal about a relatively normal situation, and now she feels reluctant to express any sort of negative emotion or criticism. To me, that is an unhealthy dynamic, and he is the person who is making it unhealthy.

It is normal and healthy to ask your SO to be a bit considerate of your well-being. For example, it would also be normal and healthy if he asked her to turn down the volume of the TV if he had a headache. However, it would be unhealthy if she then turned off the TV alltogether and broke down crying in front of him, begging for his forgiveness for having turned on the TV in the first place. What he is doing (not speaking to her the entire rest of the day) is the "male equivalent" of breaking down in tears, begging for forgiveness.

laurensmim · 2019-01-27T17:10:50+00:00

OP obviously doesn't understand manipulation or gas lighting from any point of view. OP is actually using gas lighting by trying to make any woman who reads THE ENTIRE post, not just HIS PORTION feel like they are wrong when they spot the tactics the original boy friend was using.

Also this post is a year old, how much digging did he really have to do to come up with a post he feels makes women out to be the bad guy? He is really reaching with this post

mortsdans · 2019-01-25T14:04:54+00:00

The guys acting like a bitch and woman don't like that. Of course they spin it so his emotional behavior is "a manipulation tactic", making her the victim.

In a way, her emotional response is totally logical, although not in a thought out, intentional way. It's her primal instincts telling her to leave him before he lets a lion eat her. Don't be a bitch and this wont happen.

CommodoreQuinli · 2019-01-25T13:14:18+00:00

It's fine as long as the dude can do the same to the girl. Hey you pissed me off because you did X, lets talk. Feelings are feelings. I pissed someone off because I said something I don't even remember saying. Did I say it? Does it even fucking matter if she's bawling her eyes out? I still have to apologize, getting pissed at her because I didn't actually say anything will just makes things worse.

EmpoweredGirl · 2019-01-25T15:50:57+00:00

I know you may feel like everyone is shitting on men, but this case is a perfect example of an emotionally weak male. Honestly there are two extremes, being insensitive and overly sensitive. Neither are good and will wreak a relationship long term. You are definitely reading the worst into this situation, considering how the gf is only concerned and still loves her bf. The solution to this would be to tell the dude to 1) apologize 2) make sure not to do it again 3) most importantly of all, use the negative emotion and guilt and turn it into a positive force for making her and himself feel better so it can be swept under the rug.

I think a lot of us men are becoming weak and taking generalised criticism if even one sided way too poorly. If someone smacks you down, learn from and get stronger until you are a beast no one wants to fuck with. We need to get back to this mindset and just accept men and women are different. Men tend to thrive on perpetual criticism and self improvement, while women tend to thrive on security and protection. All this treat women and men the same bullshit is making both sides unhappy, just treat your damn partner how they want to be treated and what's good for them regardless of sex and move on.

TL:DR Women for the most part are born with their value, they just need to cultivate it. Men have to grow and cultivate their status and value, so we should criticism in our stride and be the best men we can be, works out better for everyone. So this guy should stop with the weakness and aim to improve their relationship in this aspect

Title	Guy is concerned with how he is making his girlfriend upset and gets called "manipulative".
Author	jerebko2019mvp
Upvotes	41
Comments	103
Date	January 25, 2019 1:05 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/ajotsc/guy_is_concerned_with_how_he_is_making_his/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/guy-is-concerned-with-how-he-is-making-his.257632 https://theredarchive.com/post/257632

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