How does one really change their personality?

b_berry458 · 2026-06-19T01:43:52+00:00

Maybe start with social groups that are ‘at your level’ like you are a big fish in a smaller pond maybe? Pay close attention to the ‘misbehaviours’ of others and learn from them, since people are unlikely to tell you about your own misbehaviours. Confide in someone in your group who can honestly call you out on stuff

Downtown_Cat_1745 · 2026-06-19T01:23:45+00:00

This is a good question. You don’t change it as much as you cultivate it. Get as many new experiences and read as many books as you can. Learn things. Develop passions. Be a person who can talk about things

Siukslinis_acc · 2026-06-19T02:33:31+00:00

A lot of hard work that also takes a lot of time.

A therapist could help. See them like a personal trainer in the gym who asks you questions and then creates a training (and maybe even nutritional) regime that you need to do. The trainer can't grow muscles for you. You need to put in work in order to build the muscles.

Or just look for a girl that is compatable with your personality.

LaFrescaTrumpeta · 2026-06-19T04:56:39+00:00

all i could think about as i read this was “self esteem self esteem self esteem.” that’s what gets damaged and influences personality, that’s what can heal and change a person for the better. that bit you said about facing negative feedback is very relevant here. low self esteem can make rejection devastating, high self esteem makes it tolerable and keeps you functioning rather than ruminating and/or spiraling. people often confuse self confidence with self esteem, but they’re distinct. if you think about people who lack confidence, people who fake confidence, and people who seem to have natural confidence, that last group is where you’ll find the healthiest self esteem.

according to a psych i know (primarily sport psych, really successful at what he does, supposedly we’d all recognize the names of some famous athletes he has worked with, specifically by doing this self esteem work with them bc it’s amazing how low self esteem distracts and pressurizes and negatively influences performance), the basics of healthy self esteem include self compassion, self restraint/discipline, and self awareness. he got a kick out of the time i realized his theory of self esteem parallels acceptance commitment therapy (ACT), one of the biggest therapeutic orientations out there, and then again another time when i realized it also parallels the serenity prayer (serenity to accept what we can’t change, courage to change what we can, and wisdom to know the difference).

most people struggle on at least one of those fronts, like perfectionism (as a maladaptive defense against fear of rejection) due to hating one’s human imperfections; self loathing could arguably be called self-rejection. so the healthy opposite there is self acceptance. a helpful thought experiment that helps identify those bouts of self loathing is asking yourself (general “you”) how you’d feel if a loved one experienced a failure/rejection you’ve experienced. what would you say to that loved one? would the things you say to them be compassionate and/or constructively critical? do you ever say those things to yourself? why not? what are things you say to yourself? are they overly critical or borderline abusive? would you ever say those things to your loved one? why not? understanding the difference can provide a map of things in need of healing.

odds are there are a ton of fixed mindset scripts that run through any given low SE person’s head when they feel they’ve fucked up, be it conscious or subconscious. healthy self esteem is correlated with a growth oriented mindset, give it a quick google search to see the immediate difference. self esteem growth really boils down to retraining your brain to shed the negative fixed thoughts in favor of positive growth thoughts, which in turn inform our feelings/nervous system responses. that’s the self compassion/acceptance. the self restraint/discipline piece involves not letting yourself avoid the work it takes to heal self esteem, so committing to challenging those negative thoughts with positive ones and committing to behaviors that foster it, be it social exposure or discipline against substance abuse etc. self awareness involves recognizing the problem, low self esteem, and identifying effective solutions that work for you. this really only scratches the surface but i’ll spare you the rest of the ted talk i could write on this lol

it really is amazing how many people’s issues boil down to a deficit in self awareness and/or self compassion and/or self esteem. it’s a hard pattern to un-notice once you do, especially when it comes to the topics on this sub. anyway long story short according to the one expert i know on this subject, healthy self esteem is the silver bullet people should be working towards fostering.

baller696969balls · 2026-06-19T02:36:14+00:00

For me, people I surround myself with and the interests I engage in are what have shaped my personality.

From ages 10-14 I used to be extremely unaware and insulting towards basically anyone as an attempt to be funny like my sister. She was, in some ways, my role model whilst growing up and I felt a lot of pressure to be like her because she had so many friends and seemed to be so happy, and also because she was mean to me (as most siblings are) and convinced me I would get bullied if I didn’t act a certain way. If you grow up feeling insecure and forcing yourself to become someone else, you often lack the ability to establish a proper identity and real self-confidence.

However, my friends have always been people who engage with multiple perspectives on things, and as my social circle expanded I found myself more interested in analysing things I don’t understand rather than making fun out of them. I’ve always gotten a kick out of silly hypotheticals and observations, and my friends made me realise that I can make people laugh with simple absurdity or needlessly descriptive commentary. Making meaningful connections provides you with feedback for certain behaviours and helps you internalise the things that make you likeable, to the point where you start unconsciously behaving in different ways.

Humour and social awareness are just a couple aspects of personality that can be drastically changed by surrounding yourself with different people and places. Social isolation, mental struggles, and trauma have made parts of my personality diminish over time. The only solution is, unfortunately, forcing yourself to socialise to gain a sense of belonging, confidence, and improved social skills. I also stated interests earlier because, as an autistic woman, I often use my interests to inspire me to become the person that I want to be.

Corbast7 · 2026-06-19T01:42:28+00:00

When I think of “good personality”, I think of it as anything that makes you more likeable, interesting, respectable, enjoyable to be around, etc. basically. All kinds of people can develop themselves in a way to cultivate more of those qualities to have a “good personality” imo independently of their more inherent personality traits. It’s more about striving to sustainably be the best version of yourself rather than trying to change who you are.

Look to people who are relatable role models to you, build self confidence by doing challenging things, get more social exposure therapy, show interest in people, cultivate your hobbies and interests, etc. are all things that help. I’ve struggled with social anxiety and these are things that have definitely helped me at least.

ouishi · 2026-06-19T01:42:52+00:00

Depends on what you want to change.

I highly recommend the book Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff to start.

Personally, I'm on the spectrum (many spectrums, but I digress) and have actually stopped forcing myself to be as social. The key is learning to recognize your own emotions and develop healthy strategies to cope with them. There are many ways to do this, but alexithymia is more common in autistic folks, so it's probably worth working on.

chamomilecloud · 2026-06-19T01:21:54+00:00

Changing personality from what to what?

Introversion doesn't mean dull, boring, or socially awkward, and a lot of people (men on this subreddit) fundamentally misunderstand this. Introverted people are defined by shorter social batteries and their preference for smaller crowds. It does not mean they are blundering social idiots, unfunny, uncharismatic, or unconfident.

Secret_Entry1840 · 2026-06-19T01:38:23+00:00

Physical attractiveness is number one. For most people. But it’s not enough for most women. The parts of us that grow are the parts that we feed. Find better coping mechanisms. Have passions. Read. Do stuff. Do things that scare you. Listen. Take personal inventory.

RelativeCondition915 · 2026-06-19T04:35:07+00:00

I've had a few big personality shifts. Most of them were in reaction to negative outward stimulus.

Here's a few scattered thoughts:

You are not going to find what you need on PPD or in the manosphere.

Journaling will help you develop self awareness, and see patterns. This is the most important if you're just starting out in making changes.

This is going to sound objectively insane, but look at Satanism. (It's just a philosophy, don't worry.) There a lot about self improvement, self esteem, and achieving goals. It's great for neurodivergents. I think Satanism has a lot of the edgelord appeal of the manosphere, but it ironically puts up far better guardrails around behavior.

Extroversion is related to social energy and I don't think there's an easy fix. It helps to be curious about people instead of trying to win them over (and curiosity usually wins people over much more regardless.) Think of yourself as a journalist and not a failing introvert.

edit: It also helps to change habits or do little things that aren't directly related to what you're attempting to change. Give yourself a physical reminder of what you're attempting. Do habits that your ideal self would do. Embrace the fake it till you make it, manifesting bullshit.

Present-Afternoon-70 · 2026-06-19T10:10:46+00:00

THERAPY

How can a group be so desperate to do anything to have sex continue to fail to do the one thing that is shown to help?

-nymphobrainiac- · 2026-06-19T01:53:21+00:00

God, would it be super crunchy crazy lady to say that I think the best way is meditation?

I think of personality as at least 2 sections, your emotional side and your logical side. Both of those are shaped by all the things you've listed.

The emotional side is what I consider the more difficult part to change. That's the anxieties you feel, the sadness, the stress, the rejection. With meditation you can slowly reshape what emotions pop up during new and old circumstances.

Personally, I was really fucking stressed meeting new people. It wasn't even that I needed them to like me or I was worried they'd think I was weird. My body just decided new people were scary. I kept shoving myself out of my comfort zone and managing my emotions though. Eventually, I completely stopped feeling anxious about meeting people. I assumed that I'd need to repeat the same thing for public speaking, but the process has become so well ingrained that my body largely knew what to do.

So yeah. Meditation.

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DMmeClownPics · 2026-06-19T01:46:33+00:00

You can. It’s hard but possible. I used to have crippling social anxiety but I forced myself to confront that by working in jobs that were public facing, and proactively cultivating friendships with people I click with. It still scares me sometimes. But I can make myself be social in situations where it’s warranted. It has helped a lot. I’m still fundamentally myself, of course, but I’m not the person who withdraws and stays home and never talks to anyone.

I met my boyfriend because we were friends on a Discord server that I hosted a weekly voice chat on. We would always banter back and forth and I thought he was funny and pretty cool. So he was in town staying nearby, so I asked him if he wanted to meet up and it turned out that we have a lot in common and are intensely attracted to one another. If i didn’t force myself to be outgoing and make friends, we never would have met like that.

Mission-Pie-7192 · 2026-06-19T03:19:43+00:00

If you want to change your personality then you need to change what you focus on and do every day.

If you want to be charismatic then find someone charismatic and start by copying one thing about them.

If you just want to be more confident, get good at something. Learn a dance, play an instrument, pursue a hobby.

If you lack humor then take an improv class. Find funny people and pay attention to what makes people laugh.

lesliecarbone · 2026-06-19T11:32:13+00:00

First things first: Start with confidence. And the way to build confidence is by becoming really good at something that matters.

toad-wrangler · 2026-06-19T14:31:01+00:00

A lot of what makes a personality is malleable and will change over time reguardless of whether you intentionally develop your personality or not. Might as well be intentional about developing your personality in a way that you like and benefits you.

ResponsibilityAny217 · 2026-06-19T15:37:36+00:00

Idk if it's really changing personality so much so as just adopting new stuff and adding that on to ur personality.

Like I wanted to be nurturing so I made a bunch of nurturing friends and hung out with them and did what they did. Till I could think of it on my own. Watch and learn.

Same with kind, studious, athletic etc.

Commercial_Border190 · 2026-06-19T02:56:26+00:00

socially stunted men will be creepy to them even if that man tries to be as respectful as possible.

Can you give an example? Because usually awkward isn’t viewed as creepy unless awareness of boundaries is lacking.

prettywords_ · 2026-06-19T01:24:56+00:00

Not being an asshole shouldn't be a hard fix but you'd be surprised how many unattractive guys are just absolute assholes.

Like I've had guys start conversations with me with racism?? Or insulting me, or just being mean about other people. I don't get it. Then they are surprised I want nothing to do with them.

You gotta have something going for you, you can't be unattractive and miserable to be around.

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