Let’s start with an anecdote as a point of reference.

I know a woman who has been “struggling” to date for some time. They were using dating apps to meet men. They’d find dates quite easily and go on many but none would turn into a LTR. (This woman is in her late 30s - early 40s) She was almost always the one stopping the interactions after the dates. She would mention that all the men were jerks, they treated her poorly, and that online dating was terrible. (I’ll circle back to this) She meets a man at a week long festival. This festival has a lot of forced social interaction because it’s a couple hundred people and everyone is staying in shared housing. (It’s at a local college) This man by most standards is not traditionally attractive - he’s balding, middle eastern and from a middle eastern country (he himself having a Muslim culture/background), short, somewhat socially awkward (definitely not socially adept), average face and not good looking, and isn’t working at all (so, no $$$) but is pursuing a PhD in physics. He lives a few hours away from where she does. Needless to say - she chats with him at the festival where there’s no spark or any discussion of him at all. A couple months pass and they have kept talking (as I have to her but as a platonic friend) and they go on a date and decide to be in a relationship. (A long distance one)

This kind of story I hear about a decent amount. Here’s the thing - the men she met online weren’t jerks. I pressed her about it because I called bullshit and she admittedly she lied (to herself more than to me) and said they were all really nice except maybe one or two. They just weren’t very exciting to her from the get go and she would label them all as boring. What’s funny is that she felt the same way about the guy she ended up - there was no spark at all over that first week. It only came later as they hung out more and more in person and he pushed forward. It took months.

I think often that many women have this issue of moving standards. There’s a certain level of cognitive disconnect and unwillingness to examine why they themselves as a woman are where they are. This woman - like many I know - would rather watch Netflix, take Prozac, and drown their sorrows with alcohol than do any kind of self-reflection about why their endless dates aren’t leading to an immediate marriage.

I find often that many women will ”settle” when given enough time and exposure to some men. Whereas I think most men have lower standards but are more fixed. If a woman doesn’t meet the bar - almost no amount of hanging out will change it. For women - this isn’t the case. There’s multiple bars and they’re tied to the amount of exposure they have to you. The more exposure - the lower the bar. That said - some women still have a really high bar. For many men - the bar stays where it stays regardless of time exposure.

Due to online dating and the individualization and atomization of our society - this leads to many women not giving most men anywhere near enough time for men to meet the lower bars that would show up over time. I don’t see this with men when it comes to long term relationships. Sex will be whatever but long term? Pretty consistent.

I think the constant mental churn of online dating in the background for women has made many of them adopt this nearly impossible to overcome standard because they keep getting dates with men who seem to meet their initial bar (of physical attraction) until they get “the ick” or feel no spark (a separate emotional bar - one that lowers over time in conjunction with the physical bar) or whatever. When sustained forced interaction occurs - a more reasonable baseline comes forth but having that happen across the entire country seems nigh on impossible. Maybe this is why (like in bowling alone and other Robert Putnam books) we see the social fabric deteriorating at the same time as we see online dating rise, loneliness escalating, sexual partners falling, and delayed marriage (to the point of beyond good child bearing years in some countries!) rising dramatically.

What are your thoughts? What are men and women to do about this? It hurts both, clearly. (Maybe not equally but it does hurt both)