When the Red Pill happiness formula doesn't work?

bromance946 · 2015-11-03T20:40:18+00:00

It sounds like you're using TRP to hamster your way into justifying a divorce. I feel horrible for your husband and kids because it sounds like they've done nothing wrong and are going to get hit with this life shattering event completely out of the blue. But at the end of the day, you're responsible for your own happiness, and you can only be accountable to yourself.

So.... if you really, really want a divorce, just do it. You don't have to justify yourself to anyone. Otherwise, stay and work it out somehow.

alreadyredschool · 2015-11-03T19:36:11+00:00

TRP doesn't care about women. TRP advice has men's interests in mind, remember this. Maybe red pill women (RPW) can help you.

Is there any room for intimacy or love between people?

Sure

Do people ever act outside of their best interest?

Yes all the time, and people don't even know what their best interests are.

fruitenvrac · 2015-11-03T20:19:30+00:00

Well, OP, I'm not sure you've come to the right place to ask these questions. A lot of people here are, let's say, very invested in their worldview being the correct worldview and a lot of the advice/responses you're going to get from these people is going to be more about them/their beliefs than it is about you. We don't have enough information to really advise you in a useful way anyway.

Your whole post is reinforcing my own profound doubts about marriage, btw, but I'll try to keep in mind it is one situation only.

Has your husband broken any of his marriage vows (and not just the cheating one, which apparently he hasn't?)? How old are your kids and how many (don't need to be specific here)? I've noticed that when children are infants/under 10 that a lot of parents go through a phase where it seems like their marriage/parenthood isn't what they expected, feeling unsupported, alone, worried about losing themselves in their role as 'parent' or 'spouse' etc. There is no easy answer or solution to this now. Marriage vows should, ideally, be taken seriously. And now you have kids. How do you think a divorce would affect them (and I'm not asking this to beat you over the head with it, I'm just genuinely asking). The fact of your children is probably the biggest issue, imo, especially if they're still young. Being in a home with two parents who hate each other might make divorce sound like the better option, but from what you've said it doesn't sound like you're fighting/screaming at each other all the time.

Do you think you could wait it out? Until the kids are older? My own parent's marriage got noticeably stronger/closer as soon as their last kid left home. As far as I can tell my mom felt most of the things you're describing - like she gave up something important and fundamental to have the kids my father wanted and then stay home to raise them. Her ambiguousness has, ultimately, affected her relationships with her children much more than it has her relationship with my father, which I would describe now as very solid. On the one hand I feel for my mom being pressured into a role she always had doubts about. On the other hand, what the fuck, you had kids and got married of your own free will. You can't just skip out on that, can you? See, I'm doing it. Answering in a way that's more about my past than it is about your present. We really would need so much more info to give you any meaningful advice. There are better places to ask this question. Older female relatives? Older female friends who have been through it?

Also, personally, I would strongly advise you against RPW. Just, no.

Edit: I'm most itnerested in how you feel about your kids and how this impacts them. They're the innocent parties here, I suspect you'll agree.

LamiaQueen · 2015-11-03T19:49:34+00:00

The red pill formula for happiness isn't going to work if you just blame him for your unhappiness. You agreed to quit your career, you agreed to stay at home, you agreed to move. Complaining about your needs not being met isn't approaching the problem in a neutral way, it's accusatory. How will any compromise be reached if you are always the victim to his career and his children?

wuboo · 2015-11-03T20:23:14+00:00

Your story is exactly why women put off marriage and family, and no matter what TRP says about the impeding doom of "the wall", a large portion of women will still choose to live, explore, and build an independent life in their 20's because if they don't, they'll live to regret it.

Frankly, 30 isn't old and now that your kids are a bit older, put some time aside to focus on yourself. You're lamenting lack of growth physically, intellectually, and so on as though that is unchangeable. Self improvement is for everyone.

Ultrablue1973 · 2015-11-04T01:28:20+00:00

I was right where you were a little while ago. A little better off because I'd gotten skills that are marketable, but I put them on hold for the kids.

Okay, first, are you healthy? Go get a blood test. I know after kids your body isn't the same, but if you're gaining weight and unable to take it off you may have anemia. It's very common after pregnancy. Seriously. Get your blood tested. Check for Vitamin D deficiency while you're at it. Both will make you depressed, and you sound depressed.

Second, you need to take time for yourself completely away from the husband and the kids. An hour a day AT LEAST should be your own. No being on call, no kid asking you for something every ten minutes because "daddy doesn't do it right." You need to find something that you're passionate about and you need to do it. That may involve going back to school--online if you need to--it may involve joining a club of some kind. You may have a marketable skill you can do from home if work is what you want.

Thirdly, exercise does not count as your alone time. Exercise is for your health, you get extra time for that and showering, and self-care.

You are staying married at this point because of the kids. It's better for them. There is no ifs ands or buts about that. But for your kids to really get the benefit of a two parent house hold both parents need to be reasonably stable and content and spend time interacting with dad alone. Your husband can do it. He should do it, he wanted kids too, you've given him a gift. Now stop putting your life on hold, go out and get it right where you are.

Just one final thought: it's normal to despise your significant other at some points in a relationship, and normal to stay together and fall in love with each other again.

relationshipdownvote · 2015-11-03T20:30:29+00:00

Physically, intellectually, career-wise, I feel I'm at my peak or have passed it.

The likely reason for this is because you aren't putting the work in. You can work and raise children. Many people do it. You can study, you can work out. What's stopping you?

LifterofThings · 2015-11-03T22:15:36+00:00

PS, if there are any RPW reading this....take it as a cautionary tale please! Strive for balance in your life, as much as you are comfortable taking.

As an RPW reading this, thank you for your condescension... er, concern, but I think this is a better cautionary tale for the young men of TRP.

Despite being a female who very much would like to be married to her bf at a point in the not too distant future, RP, I get it. I fucking get it. I get why you don't want to get married.

She'll head off to the altar and bear your children and let you go off to work to support her every day and when she says she feels unfulfilled, you'll pay for her to go get graduate degrees and for the childcare that is required for her to have the time to study... aaaaand she'll hate you for it. All of it.

She'll take your admission that you notice other women, an admittedly uncouth bid for recognition of your sacrifices, as evidence that you'd be better off divorced.

She'll write long rants online about what a dick you are and dress it up in superficial overtones of "but I'm really just mad at myself!" in hopes that nobody will jump down her throat, and she'll have worked out visitation arrangements in her head so you can still see your kids without having talked to you about separating.

Man, I hope your husband doesn't find this post, because I bet it would fucking eat him alive. Don't say you "tried the RPW way" and it didn't work, because you fucking haven't. RPW is about accepting your man and his nature and being grateful for the sacrifices he makes for you. This man is going to work every day to make money to support you and your children. He's not fucking other women, he's not humiliating or degrading you, he's not slapping you around for your mopey ungrateful attitude... and you are projecting the ABSOLUTE WORST interpretation you can possibly come up with for his motivations onto what are loving actions on his part.

DaThrowaway808 · 2015-11-03T19:25:54+00:00

I can't really follow you because I feel like you're jumping all over the place. It sounds like you have some sort of depression as well, which you might want to see a doctor about.

Are you telling me that you would be happy if you continued your career?

Are you telling me that would you be happy if you were the captain?

OR are you telling me that you're unhappy and you don't even know why? If that is the case, then you should be focusing on introspection and figuring out what about your current situation is causing your issues.

disposable_pants · 2015-11-03T20:02:42+00:00

There is no TRP formula for happiness. TRP tells you how to get "X" -- how to get confident, how to get fit, how to get women, how to get good relationships. If these things won't intrinsically make you happy, TRP is not for you. TRP doesn't tell you how to be happy, it tells you how to get things that make most people happy.

philomexa · 2015-11-03T20:16:25+00:00

...Hows the sex life? I've found that if the sex is on point, then all this existential yearning tends to fade away. Is he getting it done for you on a consistent basis? Are you getting it done for him?

telephototulip · 2015-11-03T21:36:56+00:00

How long have you been in therapy? Have you talked to your therapist about your thoughts you have on TRP? Have you considered the possibility that you've been so enthralled and focused on this type of lifestyle that you've stumbled into a cognitive bias which is preventing you from treating the real underlying issues of your depression?

JonnieCage · 2015-11-04T00:45:31+00:00

I'm not married, so I don't have a dog in this fight. But what exactly is the red pill formula for happiness? From what I've seen, it's just validation from women. I really wouldn't lean on them for advice since many of them aren't married. Maybe try /r/parenting

midnightvulpine · 2015-11-04T11:42:54+00:00

Love is rarely rational. Which is why people give up so much for it, I think. Though honestly? Try and not take Red Pill and it's nihilistic views too seriously. There is an element of truth to most things, but that doesn't mean the truth is all encompassing. Nor that there is no point. To me the trap of TRP is to stop caring about certain things. Growing more jaded and losing that healthy bit of idealism that I think everyone should keep.

tasha_998 · 2015-11-03T22:31:53+00:00

I only read about half the responses, but here is what I think.

First, TRP is not real. It has some minor truths couched in misogyny. It can hold more truths for both the most shallow of women, and the most shallow of men, but unless you're in that ilk, toss it out the window.

You're lonely and isolated and want to get out more. That is very understandable as being a SAHM can be a lonely business. I think you should do things to get out more. Are your kids in school or preschool? Do they have coop preschools in your area (where parents have to take turns being in the room? I loved doing that with my kids.) If they are younger, look into early childhood parenting programs to try to connect with other young parents.

Do you have your own hobbies and interests? Developing them will not only help give you things to do, they'll make you a more interesting person.

If what you really want is a career--go back to school and do it! Hopefully your husband doesn't buy into this red pill stuff and you can talk to him about ways to make your life more fulfilling. You made sacrifices for him to go to school; it seems like he could support you in some personal goals now. I would NOT bring up divorce unless you are dead serious about it--it's hard to put that dragon back into its cage once you bring it up. Good luck to you. Parenting doesn't really get easier in all ways, but as far as intensity and stress, it gets a little better every year. And it goes fast--I was in your position years ago. Now I have 2 college graduates and a high school senior . . . (so even if it's trite, treasure them now--they grow up fast.)

wtknight · 2015-11-03T19:58:32+00:00

Do you feel like your husband is a best friend? From my experience, marriages where the couple doesn't seem like they are friends don't seem to work out. My advice is to cultivate a better friendship with your husband and the romance will grow from that. If you don't think that you can do that, I'm not sure what hope there is for a happy marriage. My advice is to not read the Red Pill stuff and try something that has a more egalitarian friendship basis.

truthuncensored · 2015-11-03T22:57:40+00:00

You don't even know what you're looking for. Independence?? A career??? A lifting of the weight that kids and a hubby puts on you??

What will a career do for you? Enrich your pockets? To what end? What would you do by yourself with a bunch of money piled up around you?

You have to figure out exactly what you want first before you start making massive and abrupt changes to your life (and the lives of people you claim to care about).

It sounds like you're having a mid-life crisis where you don't feel as sexy or attractive as you used to. How much you want to bet that you'll find a new man after you separate and he'll rekindle your passion for life's adventures?

"Conscious uncoupling", "personal freedom", etc sound like code words for you wanting one last go on the cock carousel before your date with The Wall.

innergametrumpsall · 2015-11-03T20:34:57+00:00

The fact this post is about you and not "our family" means you are most certainly not rpw.

Family goes above you two as individuals. You exist to work as a family and to please each other next.

Him as your man, you as his woman. I can't see one complaint except that your husband is a man and admitted to being one.

What exactly are you unhappy about? That you didn't become a career woman and whore around?

What needs aren't being met?

tintedlipbalm · 2015-11-03T20:09:59+00:00

I don't think that the happiness lies in the formula. I think the formula is just an equilibrium of compromise, and whether you are happy in that dynamic depends entirely on the traits of the people in it. Also, you won't always be happy.

Some women do all of the traditional female roles and then become bitter and resentful, because they feel they sacrificed themselves in the process. I think many people know the stereotype of the mother who guilt trips their family because they sacrificed everything for them. It's a martyr mindset.

It seems to me that you begrudgingly shaped your life following his lead without truly believing in this being the best course of action. I think there's a lot of resentment in the way you write, and not enough accountability.

I also am really feeling disillusioned with being at home with young children, living somewhere I don't love because it is best for his career, etc.

IMO this is the core of your unhappiness now. I don't think this is an easy stage. It is, however, a stage, and your children will grow up and you will have more time to pursue other interests as well.

I do think you might be exhausted and this is clouding your perception of your marriage. I think you're giving him too little credit for the roles he is fulfilling. It sounds like you think he is not sacrificing enough, and that's what you're resenting.

and despite my complaining, very little has changed.

Can you elaborate? How are you complaining?

PemBayliss · 2015-11-03T20:23:48+00:00

As we're getting down into this, OP, we're now getting away from debate and into helping you find a solution to your individual problem.

it's not my place to shut the whole thing down because I'm not a moderator. But it seems to me that's not really the purpose of the sub is to get down to the nitty gritty on one individual's issues. that's more suited to r/asktrp or r/askmrp or r/redpillwomen.

TheGreasyPole · 2015-11-03T23:34:55+00:00

Ok. To be honest. What I want to say is for gods sake don't listen to any men on this thread. Men and women are shit at understanding each other's situations. So listen to the girls. We're horrible at advising on your game.

Best of luck. I would say more but I fear I'd look like a bloody idiot.

smokingmonkey420 · 2015-11-04T05:23:55+00:00

Have you tried lifting? You're not really RP if you don't lift.

Plugawy_Nedznik · 2015-11-04T07:04:35+00:00

I did this because I did, and still do, love my husband very much. And I know he loves me, but still...the scales in our relationship feel so very much weighed in his favor, and despite my complaining, very little has changed. I sometimes fear that divorce is the only option for me to get my needs met, because we are so intertwined that only a full extrication could solve issues.

My male brain just cannot comprehend how you can "love your husband very much" but then decide on a divorce because "the scales of our relationship are weighted in his favour".

prodigy2throw · 2015-11-03T19:31:10+00:00

Sounds like you don't have a solid tangible reason to be unhappy or upset. Until you can better articulate your concerns or source for your unhappiness, I'm inclined to say you are suffering from depression.

PemBayliss · 2015-11-03T19:46:36+00:00

I think this is a question better posed to r/redpillwomen.

If you were looking to me to give you advice, I'll tell you to suck it up, buttercup. You picked him. You selected him. You chose your life with him. You chose to make kids with him.

You made your bed; you lie in it. You made promises to that man. He kept his; now you keep yours.

holyjesusitsahorse · 2015-11-03T23:37:24+00:00

The question here seems to be what, exactly, you want? Do you want to be single? Do you want to suck strange dick in truckstop bathrooms? Do you want to be an astronaut? Do you want to write a thrilling biography of Napoleon Bonaparte? Do you just want an excuse to go lie down in the dirt and not have anyone bother you any more? It's very hard for the internet to solve your problems if your problems aren't particularly defined beyond a vague sense of ennui. What needs do you have here that aren't being met?

There seems to be an awful lot of rationalization, or hamstering, or whatever you want to call it, that somehow your husband will be better off without you so that you don't have to feel any guilt about it. Unless he's specifically said that to you, I very much doubt that's true, or that he'll be hugely grateful for you running off with his money and children. If you're actually that concerned about whether or not he gets to dump a load in a teenager, hire a call girl for his birthday, but otherwise recognize that he's an adult and he can make his own decisions.

RacialRealism · 2015-11-04T01:12:17+00:00

I think your husband isn't that alpha.

If you want him to sleep with other women so you have more freedom, that is telling. You're not attached like a women should be to an alpha.

I don't think your actions where wrong but I think you married the wrong guy. The women should feel totally attached to her man, and at the some time the man should feel solely responsible for the women. Sounds like you guys just get married 'because' and if you're calling yourself a feminist I'm guessing this guy has soft palms.

You should stand up for yourself and ask, no demand what you want. If he's beta he will bitch and moan and then you can kick yourself for marrying a beta. If he's alpha he will either leave or fuck you, but don't expect anything to change.

Just take solice in the fact that if you ran off by yourself to chase your career you'd just be as miserable now, with your only companion being a tiny dog.

kick6 · 2015-11-04T04:01:36+00:00

The red pill take on this is that media has sold you "career growth" as some kind of supermagicawesome thing that's worth pursuing. The truth of the matter is: 99% of jobs are a fucking grind, and people wouldn't do them unless they got paid. There's no satisfaction in "career growth," you're chasing bullshit feminist ideals that won't bring you happiness now, or in your old age.

You know what will? Your family. Kids AND husband. Just think about it: your kids are going to grow up, and one day they'll know you detonated your family for "career growth." You think they're going to love you unconditionally? Or are they going to stick you in an old folks home, and chase their own "career growth" because you've imparted to them through your choices how much more important it is than family?

hentaipolice · 2015-11-03T21:37:57+00:00

I've read this thread and to sum it up, it sounds like you're bored with life and you feel like your husband and kids are preventing you from living life. That blame is misplaced. If you lead a boring life, it's your fault and not anyone else's. There are plenty of married couples who aren't bored with their lives.

You also seem to be in some weird mental state where you can't progress. If you want to be more physically attractive, go to the gym and work out. If you want to be more knowledgeable, take some classes either at a university or online. If you want a hobby, go out and find one. If you want work, find a skillset that allows you to work flexible hours. If you're somehow in a place where there's none of this, there's still the internet. Online classes, video games, and learning how to program and make websites or becoming a freelance web designer are all possibilities.

We live in the internet age, and you could spend so much time online learning, talking, building, that you'd never be bored again. But if you do require human contact outside of that and where you are right now doesn't allow that, have you talked to your husband about moving? If he doesn't want to move, then you'll have to tell him exactly what you're thinking and how you feel. A divorce in this instance seems bad for everyone, and just remember that the grass is always greener on the other side. To me, it sounds like you have a nice stable life going.

Some people such as myself will never find someone that loves them and what you have is something I really envy. Don't throw it away.

wonderingwhether54 · 2015-11-04T15:43:59+00:00

Exhibit A: WHY RPW does not work and will destroy your happiness and life.

Yep, yep yep.

Thanks for the advice whatgives31, I will defintiively be taking it into account when looking/dating for a partner/husband.

Title	When the Red Pill happiness formula doesn't work?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	4
Comments	353
Date	November 3, 2015 7:19 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/3re2q2/when_the_red_pill_happiness_formula_doesnt_work/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/when-the-red-pill-happiness-formula-doesnt-work.278664 https://theredarchive.com/post/278664

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