I'm SICK of browsing r/foreveralone & r/depression only to wallow in my own self pity - so I've decided to change, and need your advice guys...

sventheviking · 2011-12-28T13:08:34+00:00

1.) Go to the gym, get into a schedule. Don't burn yourself out with a schedule that's too aggressive... just get comfortable with the gym.
2.) Get a hobby, find some facet to interact with others (in person) about said hobby. A book club, flag football team, bowling team, rock band, whatever. And talk to everyone, everywhere (except the men's room)... surprisingly, being social is the key to having a social life.
3.) Not everyone is awesome. Prepare to say "fuck it" if you meet someone that you don't see eye to eye with. There are a LOT of fucking people on this planet, so you don't need to be best friends with all of them.

Kind of speaking generally, but a lot of sed applies to friendships as well. Some of this links to the right will apply.

nuckingFutz · 2011-12-28T12:53:44+00:00

A brief note about facebook: you only see the good stuff. It's 100% filtered to present only the most fun, attractive, best fronts that people can portray. People who are out having the best lives are usually the ones who post the least!

iPhoenix1 · 2011-12-28T12:19:25+00:00

By admitting to yourself that you want to change, you did a very important step already on your own! For your questions:

- I went through those times too. But once you mastered your mentality, you can handle such situations easily. See, it really is all about your mentality, as you said. The way I built my own self-esteem was by starting seeing the good sides of myself, not the bad sides. It doesn't matter what it is, but if it's something positive, be proud of it. Next thing I did was looking at myself in the mirror and telling myself things like "You're the fucking man" etc. . While this might sound funny/strange, it really helped me. And another important factor is, as you said, things like going to the gym, dressing well (/r/malefashionadvice helps you with this one!), and even rather "minor" things like making sure your clothes are fresh, you took a shower today and you smell fine (doesn't have to be a 300€-parfume!). There is no such thing as people that are inferior to you. You're the fucking man now, and noone is above you. Make sure you know and are convinced that you are the fucking man, and everything will feel easier. One in my opinion very good exercise is to just go out to some mall or something (yeah, alone, nothing wrong with that), and while you are there, seek eye-contact with strangers. Not in that creep-kind of way (repeatedly the same person over a long distance), but with those walking towards you. Put a slight smile in your face, and as the well-dressed, good-smelling fucking man you are now, don't turn down your eyes before they do. I don't have a good guide for you (sorry!), but others might be able to help you with that.
- Try picking up some sport with a team. You'll get to know them, and if you get along with some of them very well, you can go out with them etc. . And suddenly, new friends are acquired! (; There are lots of different ways to meet new people asides from going to the club. Get creative!
- From what I know, different people have to go through different things. Maybe some other Sedditor can help you with this better, but speaking of my own experience it was both extremely exciting and a bit frightening at times. But everything will fall in place eventually, so keep up your work! The thing that really made the difference for me was changing my attitude and appearance, as I mentioned in #1. People start looking at you completely different! Another thing that helped a lot was that I met new people who didn't knew my "old" self. Now I can talk to them about my "old" self open too, but when you don't know them too well yet, it's better leaving it out (and if you have to talk about it, be funny about it: "Haha, yeah, I was really strange back then!") When you feel down about some situation, just make sure you get up again and do the best possible thing. Talk about it with someone you can trust (your parents for example), I'm sure he/she has some good advice for you.

Wooh, rather long for a first post (: Hope it helps a bit, though. Wishing you the best luck, and remember, you're the fucking man now!

AegisSC · 2011-12-28T16:13:02+00:00

First thing is unsubscribe from those POS subs.

916CALLTURK · 2011-12-28T14:42:03+00:00

I hate the Socially Awkward Penguin meme and Forever Alone. Pretty much the self-pitying attitude the majority of Reddit has as a group mentality.

It's negative reinforcement. You will become what you think.

sadpuanda · 2011-12-28T12:32:53+00:00

I'm really focusing on positively reinforcing myself, building confidence and enjoying my life, for me this is about enjoying the good and brushing off the bad.

This might sound like terrible advice for now but once you start to push for friends etc, remember the ones you make you keep, the ones you dont make fade forever into insignificance.

Exercise, join a club or start a sport, especially a sport with a good social scene, eg post game drinks, positively reinforce yourself, dont worry bout picking up, bout making friends, worry about your attitude, people who have never met you have NOTHING to go off except for what YOU GIVE THEM. I have personally set myself the challenge of their being two options when i think "i should say something to him/her" either i bitch out and feel like a pussy, or i man up and say something, rejection from them hurts less than self rejection, self pity, and self loathing.

This doesnt answer your questions, but just try and see the best of everything, brush off the bad and embrace the marginal to good.

edit: spelling, and also yes screw /foreveralone its the opposite of what im mentioning here, omg i said hi, and they looked at me weird, foreveralone!!! No you said hi, that is a victory, every time you will get better, more confident, til the people ur talking to are the awkward ones, the ones going omg this guy is cool, god im lame, why is he talking to me.

n0Skillz · 2011-12-28T13:20:11+00:00

While I wasn't totally in your position OP, I recently made a change in the last couple of years. Dressing better was the first step (luckily I had a female friend who helped me out where I was unsure in this) and just started WALKING like I had confidence and was the shit. Standing up straight , meeting peoples eyes and smiling when talking to ANYONE really. At first it may feel fake as hell, but you know what? After doing it for a couple of months you start to believe it and everyone else will to, which then makes it not fake IMHO. Want a good quick confidence boost? When ordering food/coffee/whatever (especially from a female) when they give you that stock line that sometimes has that "how are you doing today.." etc etc I just smile back confidently and answer honestly and ask how their day is in a genuine way (not in a creepy, i'm hitting on the Starbucks Barista way). You'd be surprised at the boost that gives your confidence when they do something as simple as smile back when they answer.

My only other advice on this, and its not for everyone, but was just the ability to say "fuck it" and make a decision on something and sticking to it on stuff. This definitively applies to your question in #1. What did I say to myself when I found myself feeling inferior to people around me? "Fuck it" and kept doing whatever it was to the best of my ability. Worked wonders at my job, people come to me asking questions about this or that because of that attitude , which I believe shows confidence. (Common sense applies here, not talking life threatening decisions here, more "Do I look good in this hat/shirt/shoes" or "I can afford this trip overseas should I do it" or "Should I talk to the girl over there" type stuff.)

I've noticed this has had a pretty positive outlook on my life in general. I do more stuff that's fun and gets me out and just generally feel better most of the time. I notice people react to me differently just cause of this stuff. I'm nowhere near where I want to be ,but just the confidence boost from this has been amazing.

tl;dr: Dress Well. Acting confident will eventually make you confident, and breed a "fuck it" attitude where appropriate.

Question for you though. Do you have qualities about yourself you do like? Its something to think about and you might not even realize you have them, but find them and make them work for you. Talking to people I trust to be honest with me is how I found which ones they like about me as a person.

JRAlpha · 2011-12-28T13:53:54+00:00

The key really is mentality. You will for sure fail if you don't have the strength of mind. Rest of it takes a while but is easy compared to the effort required to change your mentality. Seddit can't really teach you that directly, but seddit is filled with people who have done the work of changing their mentality. Around seddit it is referred to as inner game. if you doubt yourself, everyone will doubt you. About a year ago I was where you are (not as badly, but I was at brink of some major depression). And I changed my mentality. I said I'm gonna do this no matter how it turn out. Nothing can stop me. Not ridicule, not praise, not success, not failure, not bad advice, not good advice. NOTHING. Once you are determined to move, no matter whether it is forward of backward, you have done half of the work required. The trick is, your are at rock bottom and if you employ just a little bit of common sense only direction you can go is forward.

One bit of good advice I've gotten is advice on advice itself. Destorm, a popular Youtuber, put out a motivational video on his second channel. Standard motivational stuff. But 2 bits really resonated with me. He said: take advice from people who have achieved what you are trying to achieve and secondarily cut the negative influences from your life, if you cannot then ignore them. So I did that. I reached out to an acquaintance who used to be fat and was now into bodybuilding and I asked him how he did it. He pointed me to resources he used, to websites that taught him about fitness. He even referred me to his gym. He told me what to do and I did it even when it sucked more than ever. 3 months later I had dropped 44lbs.

Another thing is: exercise is borderline magical. Take this from a fat dude. The feeling you get when you stand on scales and they show less than last time is better than any Big Mac could ever feel. It's not just that. When you exercise your body releases dopamine and you feel great. It is called runners high. What more it is addictive. First 3 weeks I considered suicide every time I had to get up from TV and go to gym. Now I'm considering it when I can't go. Getting into a gym routine is gonna improve your looks, your health, your social standing, your confidence and your self-image. It literally fixes everything.

TL:DR Cut the negative influences, exercise when you feel shit, and always work on yourself. That way you never feel you are standing still and any issues you have are either being resolved or will be resolved if you continue. There is no magic solution (except exercise) it is combination of things for me.

nuckingFutz · 2011-12-28T13:03:08+00:00

You've got a lot of work today. That's good news. It's fun. It's probably going to be the most rewarding period of your life.

If you have the insurance, I'd recommend getting a shrink. Find a good one who can help you identify what's real and what exists only in your head. Here on seddit people will suggest affirmations - but there's always this seed of self doubt with affirmations. Having a realistic perspective that yes, you have qualities that other people admire and want to associate with, that's pretty cool.

You have lots of opportunities to make friends at 24. It's less forced than school, but the age range is so much wider and you can meet so many more interesting people. If you're not into bars and clubs (yet - you'll learn), the standard non-pickup outings are volunteer days (forget the feel good part; they're basically a meet and greet with something to do so you're not focused on awkward forced social interaction), meetups around certain hobbies, dancing (salsa lessons = opportunity to flirt with 15 girls in a row), etc.

Re: bars and clubs - they are awkward at first. Take a few nights, maybe 3 for each, and just go and get a single drink and sit and don't talk to anyone (unless you suddenly feel like it). Your goal is simply to sit and absorb the environment. Once you realize that it's mostly a dingy, poorly lit room with drunk people in it, it's a lot less intimidating. The normal psychological process of acclimatization will make you more comfortable than any mindset technique. And real comfort > forced confidence. After a while, going to a club alone is not only natural, it's more fun than going with friends who will hold you back.

Have you ever heard of Tim Ferriss? He's a royal asshole shmuck douchebag, but he's also wildly successful and amazingly good at self-promotion. Yet for a period of about 6 months, right at the peak of his success, he dropped out and disappeared. Turns out he was suffering from clinical depression and despite all of his efforts, nothing he was doing made him feel any better. So don't be jealous; everyone fucks up, everyone hurts. The only trick to it is to try again. Every failure is a chance to practice again, and every time you practice (even if you fail again and again), you're getting closer to the goal. Sometimes things move slowly and steadily, sometimes you have to fail 100 times before something just clicks and all the pieces fall into place and it seems like the most natural easy thing ever.

/rant

I am very impressed with the type of questions you are asking. I wish I had better answers for you.

masterbootrecord · 2011-12-28T13:29:39+00:00

24 and still living with your parents? You should probably move to Italy, where this is totally normal (sky-high house prices and juvenile unemployment). Just kidding :).

If you believe 24 years old is too old to start living a decent life, think again. At 24 you are young and strong, you have enormous potential.

When I feel I'm not satisfied with myself, I get in front of a mirror and just think about what there is to improve. Be positive. Think about what isn't working, but don't dwell on it. Just find out what you can do to get closer to your ideal self (the person you really want to be), and start working on it.

To get shit done you need order. Grab a piece of paper (or open a text file) and start sorting your shit out:

Write down what isn't working with your life and possible solutions to that;
Take notes! When you watch videos or read posts about self-improvement / PUA, write down the best stuff. Write down the very basic stuff into a compact list that you can read everytime you have to go out. Practice is damn important, but you will also have to study, not just watch a video / read a FR once in a while;
Draw a map (with you in the middle) to keep track of the people in your life (even leave blank spots for positions that are not yet filled by anybody; for example: "girlfriend"), you will use this later to be sure you are not neglecting anyone;
Plan your week (I mean on paper if it is necessary) and force yourself to go out, even if you're alone.

Stop wasting your time: invest in yourself! Exercise, go to your public library and read books, join a class and learn to do something! (All these things will also provide you with opportunities to meet new people).

You only live once. You are not allowed to fail. Maybe your looks are below average. Who the fuck cares! You are posting on reddit, which means that you're probably not starving in some forsaken third world country (while many people actually are) and that you have the possibility to really take charge of your life. Self improvement becomes addictive after a while. You'll love exercising and you'll love learning new stuff. If you stop procrastinating right now and start improving your knowledge (all of it!) and your body, a year from now you'll be a much happier person.

Yes, but where do I begin? What can I do today to start my journey? My advice is: learn how to exercise properly (the internet can provide all the knowledge you'll ever need, if you need directions just PM me) and hit the gym / pick up a sport. Trust me, this will work, even if you've never done any serious physical activity. It will be tough, but both your health and your self-esteem will benefit from it.

EDIT: spelling.

lolwhatsausername · 2011-12-29T00:23:23+00:00

Don't ever compare your life or success to someone else's. The best way to improve is to constantly try and surpass yourself.

ge99 · 2011-12-28T13:46:30+00:00

Read the sidebar, read the sidebar, READ THE SIDEBAR!

productionx · 2011-12-28T10:14:07+00:00

I'm not into new age stuff at all but the one book that honest to god changed my life was "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. Totally changed my outlook on life. I read it when I was 18 (28 now) and it's still, by far, the best book I have ever read. If you don't want to buy it, check it out at your library.

Disclaimer: The opening of the book is a little "out there" but trust me, get through that and the rest is just awesome. Finished it in one sitting.

Good luck!

productionx · 2011-12-28T14:14:04+00:00

Don't worry about women quite yet, just start talking to people more often.

What will it take for you to be comfortable with you?

But to answer your questions.

1) Don't feel inferior to others, we are all the same. No better or worse than someone else(with in reason dammit!) 2) Just start talking to people, anything is a start. Your goal isn't to make friends, this will happen over time. 3) Look at every failure you make as an opportunity to learn.

Start by figuring out what you want out of life.

OHGODTHELASERS · 2011-12-28T14:36:25+00:00

The main thing is just don't give up on your journey of transformation.

comments made in this thread made me proud of this community.

2011-12-28T16:54:56+00:00

Get rid of the crutches in your life that are enabling you to keep living the way you have been. Unsubscribe to /foreveralone. Stop reading Facebook. Stop looking at porn. Try and convince your parents to kick you out of the house. Seriously.

It's actually kinda a good thing that you've thought about killing yourself. Every time you come across a challenge that you think looks too hard or intimidating, just think back to the time you considered killing yourself, and ask yourself if you'd rather face this challenge or be dead. You'll realize you have nothing to lose.

It is only after we've lost everything that we are free to do anything.

swishcheese · 2011-12-28T14:02:13+00:00

You'll find out that all the answers will flow downstream once you start looking better (from losing weight). You'll find a new fountain of self-cofidence, and that, in turn, will make you more appealing and approachable.

The mentality you should have is to STICK WITH THE GOAL. Even if you make a mistake, just get right back on the horse. Keep your eye on the prize and everything will come in time.

Derguson · 2011-12-28T14:17:00+00:00

Sounds like a pretty shitty situation to be in bro. Here's my attempt at some advice.

This video, it makes me feel better when lonely: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs
Take a course in a community college. Anything, the more random the better. Painting? Cabinet making? The more random the more likely people are keen to make friends.
(this is materially quite radical advice) Move. You should save money up and find a new job in a new town or city. Even consider moving to a new country. UK or Canada? When I moved from Florida to Scotland I found myself substantially happier. You become more unique and you'll have a clean slate with which build a happier life.
I see no shame in living with your parents, especially if your contributing. I live with my parents too and think of us as a team of sorts. Devote some of your time to making your parents happy?
Go to a church or mosque. I'm an atheist but I've been to Church more than once. Ask for their advice. Giving advice is what they do! Tell them what you've told us. But try not to join any cults!!

I've read that our brains are like plastic. They wont change immediately. But if you move, or devote time to making your family happy, or go to the gym, or volunteer for a charity, or take up a sport, or take a college course then I think your outlook of life will begin to change for the better. I believe that with a more happy you and some basic game theory in your back pocket the love of a women will follow too.

All the best, C

goose90proof · 2011-12-28T14:19:47+00:00

Hey my friend, you've already taken the biggest step by WANTING to change. As I'm sure you've heard, you can't achieve anything unless you really want it. My advice to you is to not get discourage. When you're feeling like it's all too much work and it would be easier to give up, remember: that's the old you talking. FUCK THAT GUY!!! That guy is a loser. Today, the same fat guy who has no friends is a winner. WHY!?!?! Because he wants to change. He wants it so fucking bad that he's gonna do it. I believe in you broski. Get in the gym, check out /r/malefashionadvice, read the sidebar, and above all keep a positive attitude and remember why you want to change.

intermu · 2011-12-28T14:46:29+00:00

By the way, I think /r/getmotivated would be perfect for you also. :)

Good luck!

trish00l · 2011-12-28T15:08:09+00:00

Rule 1: use facebook as a tool to find and bang mad hoes...and only for the purpose.

Rule2: Find something you are really good at and then dominate that group of people... ie if you are a good ping pong player, hang out with other ping pong players and bang all their girlfriends/sisters after whooping them in a match. Same goes for D&D, gaming or any other interest. They key is to meet them in person. I used to have a gaming/anime room in college and those nerdy girls were easy and sweet. Also be confident but not cocky

Rule3: Be nice to EVERYONE - Be nice in an alpha way. In any altercation, present a gentlemanly and affable style. Be strong as a rock and happy and you will always attract positive people.

Rule4: Never put yourself down

Rule5: When stepping out of the house, always strive to look your best and swagger slightly when you walk.

A changed mindset will follow. All you require is a tweak and not a revolution.

TheAccidentOf85 · 2011-12-28T16:02:14+00:00

Step 1: Lets work on yourself...first start with the sidebar, read mainly the stuff about inner game. Once you believe in yourself, and can enjoy yourself, others will be able to enjoy you too. Its a self-fulfilling prophecy, believe that your happy, tell yourself you are happy, tell yourself you are a great person and you will be a great person, and others want to hang out with great people. If you keep having depressed thoughts, you will continue to be depressed, and nobody wants someone bringing them down as well. Trust me, I was suicidal once, and I'm at the happiest moment of my life right now. Do things that make you feel better, go to the gym, challenge yourself to learn new things, take up hobbies that interest you. AND always finish something that you start, you feel better with a sense of accomplishment.

Step 2. Lets make some friends. I'm currently reading a book that is repeatedly recommended on here called How To Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie....its really changing my way of thinking and how I deal with everybody, friends, family, coworkers, bosses, and even complete strangers. Its making me feel really good and making others around me feel really good. If you can make others feel good about themselves, they will want to be your friend. Get involved in clubs and hobbies that interest you, bowling, book club, wine club, whatever, you are more likely to make friends and have good convo with people of similar interests. Talk to everyone, and learn how to thread a conversation, search for Threading and Conversations on Seddit.

Step 3. When you are enjoying yourself, and enjoying the others around you, and they are enjoying you. Then you can move on to the seduction stuff on here, the women will come to you when you are a happy and confident person, and you can then apply the techniques you learn on here.

Keep your head up, and never stop believing in yourself. Feel free to message me anytime on here if you are struggling.

2011-12-28T17:44:53+00:00

bro, we got your back. hang out aruond here, seduction, getmotivated and other positive communities to get started. consider going on the paleo or keto diet. hop on meetup.com and go to meetups.

you really have nothing to lose if you put yourself out there. you are not a loser, you just like to think you are. for some reason, humans like to feel sorry for themselves, i used to do this but i have changed. we believe that you can do this. YOU GOT THIS!

maxd · 2011-12-28T18:05:29+00:00

Lots of great advice from people but I've not seen this yet so let me throw it out there.

You're not a fucking loser.

The old you was, but don't hate on him for that. The new you might be fat and a virgin but so the fuck what. You sacked up and want to take charge of your life; that does not make you a loser. You're also only 24, you're still young!

Now going forward, celebrate your accomplishments, and assume that you're going to have many more. Look in the mirror, realize that while you may not be the person you want to be, you will be in the near future. If you have a negative thought, consider it, realize that it belongs to the old you, and send it back to that guy to deal with. Then put your head up and kick some ass.

meecham123 · 2011-12-28T18:11:22+00:00

-Garbage in. Garbage out. Stay off of the emo sites like foreveralone.

-Hit the gym and hit it hard. What pushed me over the edge to discovering pickup was that I had a HUGE crush on the most beautiful girl who's ever given me flirty attention. We used to do all kinds of stuff together. She liked me too, but I failed to move fast enough and got friendzoned. I then watched as a douchbag coworker (who already had a GF) moved in and started banging her. He took her out of my life and it ripped my heart out. I couldn't sleep for weeks. I hit that gym with purpose. Once I got in shape (went from 270lbs to 190lbs) the foundation was set for my awesome future.

-Prepare to have your ASS handed to you. REPEATEDLY. For all the talk online, the only way to really learn is to go out and try (and mostly fail). You're going to deal with bitchy mother hens, fat friends, AMOGs, and shit tests. But mostly you'll be facing your own inner demons like approach anxiety, motivation to soldier back to the front after a defeat, and disbelief of your own progress and success even when it's right before your eyes.

-Cut out porn. Can't speak for you specifically, but most forever aloners have porn addictions. Guilty as charged. Porn overload really fucks up your brain and badly hurts your game. Cut that shit out of your life.

-Say yes to every invite. I stole this advice from another post and it's golden. When you're starting out you need to establish a base. Say yes to ANY invite you get to do anything. Someone invites you to a movie? Go. Invite to a wine tasting? Go. Especially when you're first starting out. You can afford to be picky later down the road when you're life's rich in friends and activities. Even if the people that invite you aren't what you'd consider "cool" or "hot" people, go anyway. All people and groups are directly or indirectly connected to hot girls in some way. Could be friend, friend of a friend, coworker, sister, daughter, etc. So say yes to all activities to get into those groups.

2011-12-28T18:59:54+00:00

I've never been in a relationship (so yes, I'm a virgin),

First off congratulations, this is an amazing choice you've made and it takes a lot of work to get where I am today (well not today...today I am drinking rum, eating pizza and playing video games for like the past 3 hours...its 2pm)

It takes a lot of work, and your mind needs to change, frankly I can't tell you everything and neither can anyone,here are some tips that you should take to heart

1- When talking to people, take the good and leave the bad: everyone has something you can learn but only learn the good stuff..never the bad stuff

2- Everything takes hard work.

I am sorry, I am kind of drunk now...but you get my point.

I have never had a relationship but I have been with plenty of women...as a man a relationship is the equivalent of a girl sleeping with a guy on the first date (its huge generalization, please take it as how society views gender roles and understand the real meaning behind what I am trying to state)...so be picky when it comes to relationships.

Join a gym, stop eating shit, eat healthy..and give it time.

gabriot · 2011-12-28T22:22:55+00:00

1.) I would recommend supplementing w/ 200mg 5HTP take it at night on an empty stomach before bed. A few days of that and you'll notice subtle positive thoughts creeping more naturally than before. If you want to lose weight run as much as possible, trust me there is not a more efficient way to burn calories and if you are consistent with it it becomes just about the easiest method of working out there is (completely mindless just listen to music and zone out)

2.) Find a cool hobby like martial arts or something. I took a jiu jitsu class and met some cool people there. Basically sign up for stuff and preferably cool stuff that will build your own confidence (stuff like martial arts, working out, music, dance, etc.)

3.) I wouldn't really call this "preparing" more as just "immediately changing your own mindset". People close to you might give you shit for changing yourself (I know it's happened to me) so dont' really "prepare" for that, just accept it's going to happen and don't give a shit when it does.

bangthemermaid · 2011-12-29T02:28:06+00:00

THIS, THIS a thousand times THIS

Contrapaul · 2011-12-29T14:23:08+00:00

1 Tell people you want to lose weight. Start an account on Loseit or Myfitnessplan and follow it religiously. Pick a diet and own it. There's a difference between people "trying to lose weight" and people losing weight. I lost 75 pounds from May 23 to about November 15. Been holding steady since then, and I'm going to lose another 20 or so in the next few months. See a psychiatrist if you have trouble with motivation, focus, or depression. Figure out what gives you confidence, and take that by the horns. For me if my hair looks good, my shoes look good, and my clothes look good, I'm about 50% there. If my face is clear, smile looks good, and I'm feeling 'thin', that's the other 50%. No matter what I do I try to go out looking my best, and small things feed my confidence. I may casually accept the cashier's comments about jacket yesterday, but it makes me feel great that she wanted to know where to find it and kept telling me it was cool.

2 Read "How to make friends and influence people". I hear it's good. I have it on audio, and need to get on it. Don't go to a club, go to a decent bar. If you are too shy to talk to women, talk to men first. Seriously, have a drink, and strike up a conversation. It gets you in a talking groove, loosens you up, and shows people around you that you're interesting and confident. On that note, BE INTERESTING. My god, be interesting. Talked with a social psychologist the other day about how men talk things and interests, and women talk relationships. Keep that in mind, for both parties. If you are an IT guy for a local company, play Starcraft, and browse Reddit- I want to know none of those things. Talk about drinks, the location, the town, exciting things you've done, etc. Just be confident in yourself too. I know people with "really cool" things to talk about, who are so down on themselves they can't play them up.

3 Subscribe to r/loseit, then find a plan through them. Subscribe to r/fitness, and learn to fitness. Subscribe to r/malefashionadvice, read the entire damn sidebar, browse WAYWT posts, and soak up the knowledge. Figure out a plan. If you don't want to be where you are, come up with a roadmap to not be there. Actually getting with a girl may not have anything to do with it. The knowledge that you can, however, can help tremendously. Getting in shape can and will change your life. People will be more friendly, girls who either wouldn't have talked to you- or would have instant-friendzoned you will be interested. Confidence will build along the way. The first time someone notices you've lost weight. The first time someone tells you "you look nice". The first flirty look from a girl in a store. All of these things will be reminders to keep getting where you want to be.

Addendum. 1) Create accountability. When people know what you want, they'll help you. Admitting you're fat and telling friends means when you all get pizza, they'll call you on reaching for more or grabbing a sugary coke. 2) Bring value to the table. One night my favorite bar was full of old people, groups, and couples. So I met the staff and made friends with them. The bouncers know me, the bartenders give me drinks, the servers come talk to me... Definitely cool when you're talking to someone and a member of the staff tells them how "cool" "smart" "funny" "interesting" you are. 3) I had a few "tipping points", so to speak. Brother bought motorcycle, and I decided to buy one as well. Getting one in the next couple months. I refused to be the "fat guy on a bike". Saw a picture of me passed out on the floor. Picture clearly showed a fatass, not a guy who was a few pounds heavy. Vowed to never be that fat again. Ate Taco Bell the night before kicking off my diet. Felt shitty, and still fat. Realized that the food I choose to feed myself is just making me worse. Sister told my mom that she was worried about me because I used to be her "cool older brother" and all her friend had crushes on me- and now I did nothing... So I vowed to be her cool hot brother again. And now her friends want me to come to their college and party for the weekend... So yeah.

MonkeySteriods · 2011-12-30T08:00:38+00:00

You need to move out of your parents place. That sucks, but logistics when you're not living with your parents are bad enough. With the parents, I can't imagine how bad that would be.

PASKAA · 2011-12-28T12:39:29+00:00

Get books, watch youtube and hit the gym.

Don't get a personal trainer unless he is a hard mother fucker.

renegon · 2011-12-28T23:48:27+00:00

Subscribe to r/lose it and r/fitness

I've lost 40 pounds in the last year and reading those subreddits has been very motivating.

jmsh44 · 2011-12-28T14:43:15+00:00

realize your self worth. if you look down on yourself then others will see that. You're better than you think, dont beat yourself up anymore. how do I march through times when i feel ugly, stupid, horrible etc. I do just that, I march through it. Sure we all feel down from time to time, but dont let it keep you down! If you feel you're inferior, stop. that's bullshit. nobody has any reason to have more worth than you. So if for some reason you do feel inferior, just think, they put on their pants in the morning too. they are no different than you.
Find a new hobby! do you have anything that interests you? even slightly? find some local groups for that stuff. Maybe start playing on a mens sports team. sure you're out of shape, but you'll get into shape playing and training for a sport (and you'll have fun doing so) also, talk to EVERYONE
the difference is the mentality. sure you're gonna fail. dont let minor setbacks get you down. learn from any mistakes and make sure you dont repeat them! keep your head up.

good luck

bmay · 2011-12-28T15:32:55+00:00

You need to get rid of the attitude that you are a "loser." Putting a label like that on yourself is not only counterproductive to your drive for self-improvement, but it also doesn't make any sense. By definition, a "loser" is someone who literally never does anything right. This kind of person does not exist anywhere but in your mind, when you look at yourself with shit-colored glasses and dismiss every success you had in the past and focus only on the failures.

A cure for this is to examine things more realistically. Look at your ideas about yourself and the world and challenge them rationally. If you think you're a lazy, good-for-nothing person, think hard to find times in the past where you were something different. These little exercises will help you show that you cannot be a "loser" because you have both strengths and weaknesses. Like I said though, be realistic. Don't try to overemphasize your strengths because you will not believe yourself. It is possible that your weaknesses outweigh your strengths, you just need to understand that you can never be 100% bad, lazy, stupid, etc. and that you can improve.

jsorel · 2011-12-28T15:39:37+00:00

I'd say training in martial arts is a good start.

You train your body, get stronger, get confidence and make lots of friends.

Edgar_Allan_Rich · 2011-12-28T15:44:04+00:00

Delete facebook. Or create a new one for your family and all the new people you are going to meet. And get new clothes and a fresh look for yourself.

I struggle with a lot of this stuff too (mentally) but one of the things I do is to be constructive every day. It has kind of turned me into a busy-body, but I have achieved a lot over the past ten years because of it. I don't consider going to work being constructive (because my job isn't very fulfilling) so when I get home I work on bettering my life a few hours before I reward myself with a nice dinner or whatever. I either work out, practice an instrument, plan an investment, or work on a project. I even read non-fiction and watch documentaries over fiction most of the time because it is an entertaining way of being constructive. Doing this has led me to achieve a lot and people are always interested in what I am up to and wanting to collaborate with me, but mainly it makes me feel good about myself (which has always been a huge struggle) and keeps me from feeling guilty at the end of the day when nothing else positive seems to be happening in my life.

Good for you man. It may be a hard road. Stay strong. And remember, women can see confidence rising off you like a smoke bomb and they can smell a poseurs too. Be the man you want to be to the best of your ability and all will be right in your world.

AshleyUK · 2011-12-28T15:47:27+00:00

For #1 why not check out /r/GetMotivated.

PASKAA · 2011-12-28T15:54:46+00:00

First off, it's incredible that you've decided to get a better life. You sound very confident about making a change, and I know you can make it.

I believe in you. We believe in you. I won't try to answer your questions, since others are doing a great job in it, but i'll give you some subreddits you should check out.

/r/fitness /r/GetMotivated /r/loseit or /r/gainit /r/askseddit /r/SelfImprovement

Good luck in your mission. Remember to post back in a few months and tell us how things are!

2011-12-28T16:21:29+00:00

For question 1 I would say read "Feeling Good" by David Burns. Your second question is probably best dealt with by getting some sort of hobby or maybe even meeting someone at the gym that you can have a casual interaction with. Check out meetup.com for things people are doing in your area. My advice for your third question would be to expect failure and have low expectations. Expect to learn that you are a very dynamic person and you have your limitations. This is a great community and you can learn a lot here, a lot of the guesswork has been taken out of it but it is SO vital that you go out and practice talking to people.

DesignMyself · 2011-12-28T16:39:43+00:00

I upvoted before I clicked because you're making a big step.

1) Build a distance between your thoughts and your beliefs. Build a distance between your thoughts and your actions. The mind can chatter all sorts of unhelpful things. Don't identify with those thoughts. If you have to mentally repeat, "I love myself" or "I'm awesome" while doing something, do it. It will become truer. And you'll become aware of all the little times your thoughts were criticizing you and you'll see that you don't need to listen to them.

Meditate. This builds the space.

2) Join a club or class. Talk to people. If they bring up a topic you're not familiar with, AWESOME! Ask them about it. Don't pretend to know something you don't. If anyone invites you anywhere go unless it's prohibitively expensive or stupid dangerous. Afterwards, thank whoever invited you. Simple decisions can lead to a whole circle of friends.
Get to know the people who are way more social than you. You may be surprised how many of them went through similar journeys.

3) Great question. You may get angry/sad/self-critical/discouraged by the gap between where you are and where you want to be. Stay positive. you may have to change tactics at times, but don't give up on yourself. Record your efforts, praise your efforts- maybe here on reddit somewhere or in a personal journal.

If you say good things about yourself, you will more easily remember the good things about yourself, see opportunities, and take those opportunities. Know that anything that "embarrasses" you, will eventually become a funny story to you. You are not your thoughts. You are not your feelings. Stay the fuck away from r/foreveralone and any other toxic sadness circlejerk like that you may see in the real world.

I_am_the_Walrus · 2011-12-28T16:45:18+00:00

Develop a talent. Take it seriously, and pick something that is in line with your natural strengths so that you can do it well and feel good about it.

Why? Talent makes you feel accomplished. It's a conversation starter to meet people. When people compliment you it builds confidence. And more specifically to this subreddit, talent is sexy.

drumdance · 2011-12-28T16:55:09+00:00

First, I don't think you're a loser. I just think you're human.

Second, these are all great suggestions, but be wary of trying to make a bunch of changes at once. Willpower is a muscle that needs to be built up over time. Overloading it just leads to failure.

Instead, start with one and only one thing you want to change, and focus on it for at least 30 days. Follow Steve Pavlina's 30 day trial blueprint. The web site Zen Habits also has similar advice.

Getting in shape is a good place to start, but keep in mind that there are a lot of ways to do it. So if one doesn't click for you, try something else. I've been doing Crossfit for the past 18 months, but I try new things all the time. This past summer I tried Thai kickboxing, aerial yoga, Brazilian jiu jitsu. Before Crossfit I did a couple of boot camps. Before that I did an aerobics class at the Y. Before that I did running. You get the picture.

(And BTW I found group exercise to be the best for me. I push myself harder in that context and the camaraderie helps you get through the times when you don't want to go.)

Confidence comes from success. Not just with women, with anything. So set a couple of achievable, measurable goals for the year.

Make you goals things you can measure week to week instead of just at the end of the year. "Go to the gym three times per week" is much easier to measure and achieve on a weekly basis than "lose 30 lbs."

oberbernou · 2011-12-28T16:59:37+00:00

1 - start doing things. start doing anything, anything to stay off reddit. learn music, get better at your job, fix that thing that's broken in your house. take out the trash, do your laundry, but just start doing things. once you feel even the slightest bit productive, you can encourage yourself to do a little more, and a little more because you love that sense of satisfaction you get when something you were supposed to do is finished.

2 - start with old friends, any people you used to see occasionally at all - some friends are better no friends at all. I was in this state at one point (I was still going to school and was able to make friends through clubs and stuff), but since you're out of school, look at people where you work or join some clubs in the community or volunteer. Also, talk to strangers, get comfortable with the sound of your own voice, and be confident. Talk in a mirror if you want to practice.

3 - You will fall. You will fail. Multiple times. There will be days when you just go back to your old habits and fuck around. Its important that everytime you fail, you get up faster than you fell down. Every moment is a test, and you can never pass all of them, nobody can. But as long as you're doing something, anything, its better than doing nothing.

Best of luck, go to /r/getmotivated for more advice and stuff. Also, check out this video, I've found the ideas he talks about helpful.

gamechanger21 · 2011-12-28T17:19:58+00:00

Set goals for yourself. Once you start to see yourself attain some of those goals you will feel really happy about yourself.

Here is your first goal: This week try to have a conversation with a random male and random female.

Paramorgue · 2011-12-28T18:20:20+00:00

I came here and realized that most have really been said. All I wanted to post and make sure that you do is to fuckign read all of it and DO IT! Thats all for me.

kazagistar · 2011-12-28T20:19:36+00:00

If you fail once or twice to visit the gym or whatever, this is normal. FAILURE IS GOOD. Just try again.

Also, the best way to be confident is to pretend to be confident. Take acting classes, observe people, and try to imitate.

unlabeled · 2011-12-28T20:44:51+00:00

Find something you enjoy doing, work really freaking hard at it for years, go to the gym (or take up a sport/activity) and do it religiously, get a good nutrition plan (eating well can make a world of difference), cut out the things in your life that waste your time (depending on your personality type, you may want to remove TV, cancel Netflix, stop using Reddit if you end up wasting way too much time with those things and have trouble controlling your uptake on it).

Remember finding a GF isn't the most important thing in the world and don't obsess about it so much, if your life is full of things that make you happy and you're accomplishing something and learning then you won't feel "forever alone".

In your fantasy world where would you see yourself? For example maybe you want to be a creative director for a huge advertising firm with an awesome woman/family to support you and a fit healthy body? This might be a great fantasy, but perhaps in actuality you don't even enjoy the nitty-gritty of doing the things that this requires? Since you have to start from the bottom and work up, whatever job you "think" you might like, you have to realize there will be years of learning and "doing" to get where you fantasize (using that idea of being a high level CD, you have to enjoy design, animation, typography, photography, you could stay up through a 24 hour day just playing with a poster design because design is so fascinating to you). Anything that you think is possible, just remember that and start on the steps to achieve that, it WILL take hard work and dedication, you have to ACTUALLY enjoy whatever it is you decide to take on, you have to be willing to slog through times when you absolutely want to go back to your old routine, you'll meet huge unimaginable roadblocks, but eventually you'll get closer and closer to your goals and build confidence and happiness with where you are and the fact that you are actually doing something with your life.

productionx · 2011-12-28T20:46:50+00:00

Redditor for 11 hours, why u no respond?

generalmishap · 2011-12-29T00:19:06+00:00

I'd like to point out that if weight loss is your goal, don't rely on exercise alone. Adjusting your diet is the most effective way to lose weight. Work out, too--metabolism, energy, sleep and mood are all improved by exercise--but eating right will have the most obvious physical effects, which is encouraging when you're starting up a big life-change. I'm not qualified to give you concrete eating advice, so I won't. Other than that, be friendly to everyone, and do not settle for something shitty--poor friends, bad girlfriend/boyfriend--because you think you can't do better or don't deserve more. That will just wear your self-confidence down. Also, do you have a job? Understand that you can't really be picky when it comes to a workplace (at least in the US, that's all I can speak for). Many are great ways of meeting people and developing social skills, even if they aren't ideal. Good luck to you!

blackdown · 2011-12-29T01:26:25+00:00

As an fresh entrant to dealing with women, keep one guarding rule in place early on, because it's what fucks up everyone who's just starting out:

Do not let your guard down. Do not let yourself fall for a girl and start daydreaming about her -- if it happens, focus on her negative aspects to cool it off. Be guarded even if a relationship begins. This is all embodied by "always be willing to walk". You can only walk if you have built a solid foundation of self-respect. Women need to earn your respect enough for you to reveal anything to them, whether it be over a period of months or years.

Otherwise, you're going to let your emotions run your first interactions with females and that will make you do some stupid things. But that's okay too -- you'll learn either way, but one way is faster and is great for the hopeless romantic.

edit: I had my first kiss, first girlfriend, and lost my virginity at 23. You're by no means late to the game. What's great is you know how to perform research at your age, which makes it very easy to catch-up relationship/sexual knowledge and even exceed what others know. I kickstarted it all by moving out to live with a friend I've known on the Internet for years -- his social situation (going out every weekend) was hugely different from mine and his focus on fitness helped mold me really quickly. Change is uncomfortable, scary, and it will often-times make you depressed (like moving out, getting any old job, and splitting rent/utilities with a bro, all in a different city). Then after 2 weeks you'll come to realize how great it is.

2011-12-29T07:15:11+00:00

1) There are a lot of ways to change your thinking, you can write down or say affirmations every day, use techniques from books like psycho-cybernetics or authors like Anthony Robbins, or just become aware of when you're thinking negative thoughts. One thing that helped me is I realized beliefs, not religious beliefs mind you but beliefs like "i'm ugly, stupid", are no more than opinions, and just like other opinions aren't set in stone and can be tinkered with. Every great things starts off as a supposition, "suppose I'm better than I think I am?" and then start building refference experience based on it, celebrate the situations where you are smart, social, or feel good about your appearence, and let go of the times where you feel negative 2) I don't\can't go to clubs myself, but remember that's not an excuse to not go out. Go anywhere where there are people, parks, stores, Dennys resturants at 3 am.

hbronez · 2011-12-29T09:49:22+00:00

these are my personal tid bits of advice based off what i have done and what have helped me over the last year or two, a lot of this is coming from older r/seduction posts I have come across that have been truly beneficial, not only with women but in my life in general

first off, you've gotta get out of the mindset that you're a loser. You may be that stereotype, but you can change it. Before doing anything with pickup you have to truly like who you are as a person and be comfortable with yourself.

The first step in changing yourself is loving yourself. for me it was getting back in shape and loving my body after I had graduated HS and letting myself go for a little while. Get a gym membership and start working out and eating better (not dieting just generally eating healthier, no soda, extra sweets, etc). There are multiple subreddits about nutrition if you want to go hardcore but just making general changes such as cutting out soda, eating a salad a day, cutting out fried food, etc. will start you on the right path. You will begin to not only look better but feel better, more energy, more alertness, better sex drive and more overall confidence. You don't have to become a gym rat but a regular schedule of working out, even lightly, will do a ton for both your self confidence and overall outward appearance. Nutrition and exercise go hand in hand though, which took me a long time to realize. You can't out exercise a bad diet or eat healthily to make up for a lax life style, however if you honestly try to improve both (even just slightly) you will begin to see results overtime.

To meet people, take a little while to really think about what you like to do in your free time and what you actually do in your free time (ie. do you really like to cook, but come home after work and spend hours on reddit?) Identify your time wasters (reddit? 3 hours of TV shows every night?) and what you really like to do in your free time, then look for ways you can branch out or leave the house and socialize while pursuing your interests and replacing your time wasters. There are clubs, classes and meetings for every single interest out there, you just have to take a couple minutes to find out when and where they are, you will also be able to meet new people in these situations that have some similar interests to yourself and help make some friends.

A major part of pickup and life in general is your mindset. You have to start valuing yourself before others value you. Get rid of the negativity in your own mind and start focussing on what you are good at rather than what struggle at. If you are good at something, take pride in it and admit to yourself that you excel in that area. If you are struggling in some aspect of your life, find someone who is better than you who you strive to be like and ask them for help. Forget the old stigma about men never asking for directions, nut up and ask for help from someone who knows what they're doing. It'll save you a lot of time and effort.

Before you even start to get into seduction or pick up I would focus on improving yourself and molding your life into what you really want yourself to be. Become comfortable with you are and what you like to do. You won't be able to just buy a couple game books and suddenly change your entire life and get laid every weekend. Think about who you are now, focus on who you want to be and then set specific goals on how to become that person. Once you get to the point when you are happy and comfortable with yourself then start studying game and pick up (if that is really what you are interested in)

check out r/fitness for tips about getting in shape r/malefashionadvice for clothing and styling advice to help with your image. Reading up on internal game might help some, but any pickup stuff your read will mostly be useless until you are comfortable and confident in yourself.

Most importantly set specific goals for yourself in order to track changes and stick with them. Nothing changes over time, it takes commitment and hard work. But if you really focus on specific aspects of your life and put in the time and effort you will start seeing results.

tl:dr set goals for yourself for improving specific aspects of your life that you want to improve on. Work on becoming comfortable and confident in who you are before getting into pickup. Nothing changes overnight but if you really spend the time and effort to change things in your life you will begin to see the changes (and so will others).

2011-12-29T22:37:33+00:00

Sign up for the seddit locator. If you're near me, I'll hang out with you.

2011-12-30T08:36:12+00:00

How do YOU guys march through times when you feel ugly, feel stupid, feel horrible, or whatever?

It isn't easy. Sorry to sound cliche but "everybody hurts sometimes". Since you wrote the post it seems you found a way. The only secret is to keep on keepin' on.

What would you do to meet people?

I read somewhere that the most popular people are the ones who make themselves most vulnerable. Shy people are very sensitive and they put up a strong defence to prevent themselves from getting hurt. That defence turns into a shell of sorts; it keeps them from getting close to other people. In order to have a friend at some point you have to put away that shield and expose yourself to the possibility of pain. That is why people say relationships are built on trust. If someone puts their trust in you then realize they are exposing the most sensitive parts of themselves to you - treat them as delicately as possible.

what should I prepare for when going through these stages?

There is no light at the end of the tunnel. This is a battle you will fight every day for the rest of your life. Once you open yourself up to others and expose the most sensitive parts of your psyche you will get hurt worse than you ever thought possible.

In other words, it is probably going to get worse before it gets better. The mistakes you should have made at 13 and 14 you are going to make at 24. It's like an adult who didn't get chicken pox as a child and now has to suffer through it as an adult. There will be days when you wonder if it is worth it and you will be tempted to quit and withdraw to a solitary existence.

I'm painting a bleak picture because you need to realize what you are getting yourself into. Nothing worth having comes easy. I don't think you realize that what appears to you to come easy to people with a lot of friends is actually something they have worked hard for.

Uptonogood · 2011-12-28T20:27:39+00:00

Why the fuck would you go to r/depression if you're feeling down? That stuff is like a giant self-pity party where everyone just agrees with you on how horrible life is.

I was once feeling depressed and went to see if they had something usefull to say, left in no time.

decapitate · 2011-12-28T21:08:51+00:00

If one exists, you may consider checking out your local PUA lair for friends and motivation.

2011-12-29T06:19:59+00:00

dumbest subreddits ever.....

hbronez · 2011-12-29T09:57:19+00:00

and for shits sake stop browsing r/foreveralone and r/depression. Its not going anything to help you, unsubscribe from those and follow other subreddits like r/getmotivated

Title	I'm SICK of browsing r/foreveralone & r/depression only to wallow in my own self pity - so I've decided to change, and need your advice guys...
Author	Ainder1
Upvotes	146
Comments	96
Date	December 28, 2011 10:08 AM UTC (14 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/ntgl6/im_sick_of_browsing_rforeveralone_rdepression/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/im-sick-of-browsing-rforeveralone-rdepression-only.1326274 https://theredarchive.com/post/1326274

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