No experience = no confidence, and no confidence = no experience

WiseCentaure · 2019-10-22T13:31:43+00:00

Bro, you can't gain experience just from internet/books/videos.

You must take the first step ,it won't be perfect at first,it's gonna hurt a bit,but do not give up ,it's a part of the learning process.

Just push yourself out of your comfort zone,you will succeed one day or another and then you will have more confidence and more confidence means better experiences ...its relative.

Also if you want to boost your self confidence : Take care of yourself ,hit the gym,buy new clothes that are fitting your body shape,go to events and try to talk to everyone.

bravarado7 · 2019-10-22T14:01:19+00:00

Ok, I will tell you my personal story. My first relationship was at 16, then 21, 23, 27 till I was 31. Between all these years, I haven't done any kind of dating except going from one relationship to another. May be I am that type of a guy - you know I prefer loyalty and commitment. Now at 31, I am single and getting laid almost every week with a new girl. I used to be shit scared approaching girls. I used to avoid going into an elevator if there is a girl, which is borderline insanity if you ask me. May be I had mental health issues being in relationships but whatever. The point is I used to fear talking to girls. This year in April I said to myself "Fuck this shit, I am going to decode this whole fucking thing by just facing my fears". My first attempt was a girl standing at an elevator - I asked her which floor? She gave me a bitch look, she pressed her floor. Something similar in an Uber ride. I looked up videos and started learning tricks of the trade. I wrote my own script, I don't need it today but at that time having a set pattern meant a lot to know what to do when in doubt. Its like soccer coaching: there are players under 20 who don't know how to deal with new situations. Coaches suggest them just follow the patterns. Doesn't matter the end result. Then I met a girl who was in my same building grabbing coffee and boom, never looked back. I have failed several times but I have realized is failed experiences = builds confidence and kills fear.

After initial disappointment I looked at the bigger picture ie I am swimming a river from one end to another. I will get there but I will also have hurdles. I just need to learn how to fight these hurdles until I get to the other end. And then I started approaching girls daily - starting from 5s because I knew they wouldn't have hot girl issues. I also joined online dating apps - they helped me with my game massively. Literally doesn't matter how you meet women as long as you are gaming. It has built my confidence to a whole new level ie these days I am struggling to respond to girls wanting to meet me. I am in Sales and I travel a lot therefore I can't meet people that easily. Take small steps - master opening, then take it to closing with numbers, then meeting in person and then getting the lay. Girls will flake and thats fine, you need to build yourself an abundance of options. Start that journey dude, I am waiting to meet you on the other side. Everyone here will give you tips along the way to remove the roadblocks.

uptimex · 2019-10-22T14:11:53+00:00

I am 31 and I gained most of my experience with girls in past 2 years. And I will tell you, you already did half of job, relizing and confessing to yourself that you don't have enough experience. Remember that from now on it will go easier. Just Start from easiest steps. I personally started from eye contact. After I figured it out it became easier and easier.

TheShearerComplex · 2019-10-22T18:52:25+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Captain_of_Skene · 2019-10-22T20:15:16+00:00

The only way you get confidence is by not giving a shit

Really just don't give a fucking shit

That's the only reason I've ever had confidence my whole life

Be yourself and if they don't like it they can get to fuck

What's the worst that could happen?

PrincepsFerrous · 2019-10-22T15:06:39+00:00

,vznga zscc's z

AlexValmontDotCom · 2019-10-22T16:12:22+00:00

Brother I disagree with you. Not only is there a way to learn what is expected of you in that situation, I would even argue that it's easy to do so.

I agree that it might seem really hard to break out of the vicious cycle of lack of confidence that breeds lack of experience, especially since you're approaching 30, and it might feel like "bad habits" are becoming more engrained and harder to get out of.

But you have 2 things going for you already:

you're getting, and even recognizing the right signals,
you've understood and decided that you need change and are willing to do something about it.

There are a lot of people that will take a long time to even work through these things to get to the level you're already at.

As far as I'm concerned it's a matter of time for you. Your strategy on creating change is gonna determine how soon you will get the result you are after. Consider investing in a coach, it'll literally save you years.

You will learn and fundamentally understand what to do in situations like you described, if you execute the following game plan:

First thing you need is to get rid of your fear and anxiety. That's best done by gradual exposure even though there's a bunch more "tricks in the book". You need to make interactions with girls you've never met before literally a part of your daily life. And I mean DAILY. Start small and become more straight forward. You will find that you always want to interact with other humans and the main reason you're not doing it, is fear holding you back. I would start by asking a stranger for the time, then slowly as you gather evidence that nothing bad happens to you (even after rejection) introduce more intent (like asking for her name, number, taking her on a date right after meeting her).

After this is taken care of, I would start setting goals. Action goals (like I will approach X number of girls for X number of consecutive days) but also outcome goals (like I want X phone numbers tonight). And make sure you're hitting your marks.

Obviously this has to happen parallel to becoming familiar with your own preferences. You might think you know yourself well but you'd be surprised. We all are. You need to start understanding what kind of lifestyle you want to build and how to do it efficiently. The more you progress, the clearer this becomes.

And then it's a matter of "fine tuning" and deciding how much energy you wanna devote to girls. And start experiencing things you never thought possible :) But that's a little later down the line.

Bro I understand it looks like a huge problem to you now, but I guarantee you, it's solvable, keep cool :)

108113221333123111 · 2019-10-22T19:02:30+00:00

Please read this, my friend: https://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/fifteen-lessons.59150/

Joshua_forever · 2019-10-22T19:13:01+00:00

Yeha I can relate to you. Here's a technique I just used, maybe it will help.

I was really nervous to see my hot coworker, because we have a will they, won't they dynamic and I sometimes get stifled, because of it.

Two days ago I used a meditation. I laid on my bed, set a 20 minute timer and let all of the emotions come up. I just accepted all of it. "oh I notice that I want to impress this girl. I accept that. Oh I notice I am scared she might reject me. I accept that. Oh I notice actually I feel excited it might go well. I accept that. I'm scared I might get let down. I accept that. I'm hopeful for the future. I accept that. etc."

The result was that when I ran into the her at work I wasn't trying to empress her and our connection was very light and we could just have fun together.

Feeling that is worth it to me. I don't want to blast through the moment I want to feel everything. I want to feel love. I want to feel pain. I want to feel scared. I want to fuck. Most of all I want to live!

wolfy_dezire · 2019-10-22T19:19:46+00:00

My question around this though, and I guess what stresses me the most, I don't want to come off as a creep or "I expect sex from you"

I want to build a FWB situation. But based mostly on friends with no expectations of sex but have them understand that I'm open to that situation.

How do you get from 0 without coming off that way? I've read just be yourself but then everyone just turns into a friend and it goes nowhere.

rich_god · 2019-10-22T16:17:30+00:00

You don't need experience to gain confidence. Meditating, exercising, feeling good in your body, dressing well, having a job you love, investing in your hobbies, having friends, traveling, doing what you love, going to therapy / coaching, eating healthy... All of those will bring your confidence up. You can be the most confident guy in the world without having a single approach.

Also, you can definitely gain experience with no confidence. Talk to guys, talk to old ladies, talk to people you're not attracted by, try to have fun by meeting people, don't expect for a number or anything, just be present, just train yourself to say hi, to maintain eye contact, to be at ease with silences, to smile.

Both your equations are false. Stop believing in your excuse and build yourself the life you want. Nobody expect anything from you except you. So stop overthinking and start acting.

smoothmax · 2019-10-22T16:48:49+00:00

To say that experience is necessary in order to generate confidence is really saying that you have zero self-belief and that you can only be redeemed by other people's praise. All wrong. You need to work on your own, inner self esteem that is entirely separate from anyone else's judgement of you. If you don't believe me, go get the book The Six Pillars of Self Esteem. Read it and do the exercises in it.

As for your anxiety and fear: do you have warm relationships with normal people not including attractive women? Such as your family and friends. If you don't, then it's no wonder you get anxious and fearful when an attractive woman talks to you. For the purposes of flirting (light banter and chit chat) and establishing attraction and trust there is no real difference between a hot babe and your Mum, sister, or any of your male relatives and friends for that matter. If you "know what to do" when your sister shows you her new shoes, you know how to talk to babes. It's the kind of practice you need, and in any case women tend to avoid guys who don't have good relationships with their family and friends.

OkGrow · 2019-10-22T20:11:21+00:00

What I’d recommend is that you try talking to girls you absolutely aren’t attracted in. Just casual conversation, no flirting or anything needed. You get some experience seeing what works and hopefully find your step.

DAOcomment2 · 2019-10-22T20:22:25+00:00

How's the rest of your life? Have you ever mastered a skill? Because that's the biggest obstacle. If you play an instrument, if you taught yourself to program, built a business, achieved rank in a martial art, built a great body, won a championship at something--then you have the requisite practice and dedication to fix your social skills. Because social skills are just skills, skill with girls is just a skill, and all skills get better through the same process: consistent, regular, long-term practice.

If you've never applied yourself this way to anything, it's going to be nearly impossible to learn pickup. In which case you need to focus on this fundamental area of your life, or you'll get nowhere. If you have applied yourself this way to other things, then improving at social skills is more of the same. Set aside regular time every week to go out and practice, approach an average of 3-5 people a day, graduating to 3-5 girls a day, and in a year or two, you'll be competent. Go further than that, you'll be good. Even further, you'll be great.

Aidernz · 2019-10-22T20:45:47+00:00

Go learn a partner dance.

You don't even need a partner to do so. Usually after a brief warm up, the instructors will say "ok girls grab a guy, guys grab a lady" and you all stay I'm a circle around the instructors. They will then show you a number of moves they are going to teach and you will focus on likely half of one the move with that partner. Then, the instructors will say "follows, rotate one" and then you do it all again with a new partner.

Repeat until all moves have been taught X before you know it, you're dancing the moves they taught! By the time the class finishes, you would have danced with every lady at least twice (depending on the size of the class and frequency of partner changes).

And that is how you meet people, talk to other girls and more importantly, grow confidence in doing it. It worked for me. Just my 2c tip

Rymasq · 2019-10-22T22:03:50+00:00

As men get older it generally gets easier - they have a ton more world experience which makes it easier for them to talk about stuff. Literally 90% of the action required is to just talk about anything halfway decently, from there it’s about escalation

SmokingBeneathStars · 2019-10-22T23:23:44+00:00

Catch 22

swaglordobama · 2019-10-25T03:10:18+00:00

Your entire life is baking a cake. The process is messy but without the right process the end result isn't a very tasty cake. You have the recipe so follow it, stop baking a shitty cake.

DarthCatch22 · 2019-10-22T18:02:09+00:00

Haha I grew up in a household full of women. I observed them watching dating shows, and discuss relationships the same way I would watch and discuss sports. So my assumption was all girls are experts at relationships. So when I first got into dating I had no idea what to expect but it was ok because I could just follow the girls lead, cause they study this shit right? Lol wrong... My first girlfriend was more nervous and more unsure than I was.

Until this day I still don't know why the expectation is on us, because the average guy is dumb as fuck when it comes to courtship rituals. We really are, I 100% winged it, and made some dumb mistakes along the way.

But the good news is at least you have knowledge and advice from this sub. Don't be worried about making mistakes because women themselves are not professionals at courtship, trust me. So there's no point in stressing over saying the wrong thing. Just have fun and learn along the way.

Todddixon420 · 2019-10-22T19:27:24+00:00

Get a hooker, practice on fatties, something like that.

Man_Frame_YouTube · 2019-10-22T17:05:40+00:00

"there is no way to learn what is expected from me in such a situation" - Are you saying that you won't learn anything if you go outside, talk to women and start this personal journey to become successful with women?

petriomelony · 2019-10-22T20:00:01+00:00

Befriend girls and flirt with them
Reduce anxiety
???
Profit

PinballWizrd · 2019-10-22T23:44:32+00:00

You can't expect to be good at basketball by just watching the NBA and you can't expect to be good with women by just watching YouTube videos.

To get good you've gotta pick up the ball and start playing. You'll miss a lot, but with enough practice you'll get better.

HeavenPiercingMan · 2019-10-23T00:39:59+00:00

Let me guess, you're scared of being discriminated over your lack of experience? I'm trying to make your insecurity easier to understand here, so that we can try to psych you up.

hey-bail · 2019-10-23T00:49:42+00:00

Women aren't attracted to men who are confident; they are attracted to men who appear confident. Fake it until you make it.

And really, confidence is not being certain that she likes you; it's being certain that you like you, a much lower bar.

trailblazr30 · 2019-10-23T01:19:36+00:00

You need to understand and step in to tension and relax in to it, DON'T USE YOUR BRAIN use your gut and feel

MentalRoutine · 2019-10-23T02:46:15+00:00

In response, you show interest back. That builds tension, and you touch her and talk to her in increasingly more intimate ways.. Do you not know how that's done?

manonpoint_com · 2019-10-23T05:12:42+00:00

Have you tried online dating? That is one of the easiest ways to build up experience. You can focus on the one on one interaction with the woman without worrying about competition, friends, or distraction.

Edulad · 2019-10-23T05:22:28+00:00

Ok, to start first go to a park or public Open place where you see a lot of people just hanging out and going on about their business. Parks are the best Place.

Now, just compliment them as they pass by (You should be maybe sitting on a bench or something). Compliment on their sweater or shoes and then tell them have a nice day. and move on to the next one .

Talk to both genders (Very important). and little by little you will start making small talk to actual Value Talk.

Ofc, this will take time but,It is well worth it. The whole experience here is for you to not get chicks or get dates, Which you will once your social awareness and confidence builds up, but to be More Social and not be afraid to strike up random conversations with strangers.

SageWithTheSauce · 2019-10-23T05:56:47+00:00

Love all the positivity in this thread

Sweetdreams18 · 2019-10-23T07:14:37+00:00

Get on benzos and hit clubs and bars

sendintheclownz74 · 2019-10-23T20:36:12+00:00

All of this talk amounts to one thing, fear. Look to the origin of fear and you will find a lack of self love. You can not find/be/love anyone without first loving yourself. Stop saying I’ll be happy when, and get happy, the relationships will follow.

Dorsun · 2019-10-24T07:38:45+00:00

Dude I know what you mean, something that helped me is the phrase 'Fuck it' Basically, if you're thinking whether you should or shouldn't do it just say 'fuck it' to yourself and go for it The best way to get experience is by doing

I would also recommend doing things that will give you stuff to talk about, sign up to some classes (dancing, acting, drawing, marital arts), things that will give you experiences, not necessarily to improve your conversation skills but to have things you would like to share with someone

Also a good thing is to improve your self image, if it's working out, boxing classes, martial arts, dress up more nicely Those things give you the confidence boost you never knew about

Good luck ;)

secretagentD9 · 2019-10-22T13:38:40+00:00

Confidence is just belief in yourself, live in the moment and let go of the past. Just take action towards what you want and things will fall into place

woooshifbiggayy · 2019-10-22T21:17:39+00:00

Many men experience this all the time. In fact the amount of available players in the “game” is cut down a lot because lots of guys are running around like chicken with their heads cut off. You know the worst thing about it? Girls won’t wait for you or walk you through anything they’ll just look for another guy. They’re not losing anything no sweat for them. A hot guy with looks is great and all but they can quickly drop them at a moments notice since guys are too straightforward woman have way more options. You gotta man up or die wondering. Don’t ever act broken either they feel it like a sense and it’s repulsive

jablesman2k2 · 2019-10-22T13:48:54+00:00

Sounds like you want a secret formula for picking up thots. There's no secret formula. It's called be a man and take responsibility for your life. Expecting change without doing anything about it is like expecting a shitstain on your shorts to smell good

Title	No experience = no confidence, and no confidence = no experience
Author	MentalRoutine
Upvotes	498
Comments	127
Date	October 22, 2019 1:07 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/dlhot5/no_experience_no_confidence_and_no_confidence_no/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/no-experience-no-confidence-and-no-confidence-no.1481855 https://theredarchive.com/post/1481855

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